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Mr. Right Reality or a Myth?


Starshine

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Hi there all

Well I've been trying to look for the Mr. Right in my life and so far the results gave been oh-so-not successful. You see I am a person with strong morals and values. I have gotten to where I am with all my hard work and efforts. I respect people and ... . Now when I look for a person I want him to have the same or almost the same qualities as me. But unfortunately up until now I haven't been able to find any such person. I've only seen people self-obsessed or too shallow to comprehend others feelings. I feel like I want to give up on this whole thing as if the Mr. right is just a myth... How can I find A guy whose qualities and interests match mine and does the one perfect person really exist of is it just not true?

 

(I have high expectation of people in general and I don't befriend people easily as well, not until I know they are worthy)

Any advice is appreciated!

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I have high expectation of people in general and I don't befriend people easily as well, not until I know they are worthy

 

From the way you describe yourself in your post, you come off as a person who sounds perfectionist, self-righteous, rigid and judgmental. These are not attractive qualities in a partner. In fact, they can be as unattractive and harmful to a relationship as laziness and whatever other traits you are judgmental about in other people. Life is hard as it is so kindness and empathy in a partner is more important than perfection. Most quality people do not want negativity in their lives. As another forum member has said in the past, in order to find the right person, you need to become the right person. It sounds like you need to reconsider your attitude towards people and become more flexible and empathetic. In a relationship empathy is as important as strong morals and values. A more positive attitude such as giving people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning instead of testing them until you "know they are worthy" may help shift things for you.

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A more positive attitude such as giving people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning instead of testing them until you "know they are worthy" may help shift things for you.

 

 

 

I'm not saying you need to find a perfect person . No one is perfect. I'm not bit I strive to be the best me that I can. And iv always gone with the give ppl the benefit and see how it goes route. ...but by doing just this I just got burned hard by a man and didn't see it coming. He has ruined it for me and all the next. And now I know yo only trust if ppl earn it and it something seems off look into it because it probably is .

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Mr. Right is a reality he just may not be perfect . He just has to be perfect for you . And it doesn't mean he's going to be perfect for you all the time.

 

Mr (and also Miss) Right is a nice theory that has become impossible to obtain due to over saturation of the belief that we deserve better. Romantic comedies don't help either. Fact is, we are all human and Mr or Miss Right is simply the person who's faults you can accept, while at the same time is the person who is able to accept your faults as well.

 

If someone isn't the perfect partner, its hard to accept that they are entitled to the perfect partner. No one is perfect.

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Mr (and also Miss) Right is a nice theory that has become impossible to obtain due to over saturation of the belief that we deserve better. Romantic comedies don't help either. Fact is, we are all human and Mr or Miss Right is simply the person who's faults you can accept, while at the same time is the person who is able to accept your faults as well.

 

If someone isn't the perfect partner, its hard to accept that they are entitled to the perfect partner. No one is perfect.

Exactly, perfect does not exist.

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Mr. Right is a myth. There is no one perfect soulmate. Perhaps look in your own sphere with regard to religion, values, goals education,etc. and join some groups clubs etc. Also try volunteering.

 

Having must have's and deal breakers is a good thing but building walls so high no one can get over them will be lonely existence.

I have high expectation of people in general and I don't befriend people easily as well, not until I know they are worthy
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I just got burned hard by a man and didn't see it coming. He has ruined it for me and all the next. And now I know yo only trust if ppl earn it and it something seems off look into it because it probably is .

 

 

Sorry that you got burned. However, YOU are the one ruining it for you and all the next NOT him. You DO have a choice on how you react with regards to future men. Not all men are the same as that man that hurt you. I understand fully well why you feel the way you feel, however, in my experience having a "guilty until proven innocent" approach trying to find what's wrong with the men you meet means that you have fallen to the opposite extreme. Extremes are bad. There needs to be a balance. I am not saying have no boundaries. But they need to be healthy boundaries. Trusting blindly is bad but so is being distrusting and on the defense all the time. A distrusting/defensive person can be exhausting to get to know and this may be making potentially compatible people to steer clear of you. People should not feel that they need to prove themselves to you. If that is in fact the vibe that you send, then you are doing yourself a disservice. I know fully well how hard it is to change this but recognizing what is wrong with that approach is the first step. Good luck!

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You may have very similar interests & qualities.. BUT..... they may have issue's in some other way.

 

I have met a few.. over the last 4 yrs (dating sites. locally) and it may be MORE of an issue for me, re: my age. because nowdays, the men in my age range have much baggage and are already into 'their own groove'... like 'This is MY Life- can you handle it?'. Often, it's.. No.

We just don't click..or too many issue's ( mentally & emotionally unavailable, etc).

 

So.... it can be a good challenge to find 'the one' out there.. in the billions of people on this Earth!

 

As mentioned.. maybe you're expectations are too high? Maybe lowering some standards might help you along? But... maybe this is just how you are.... and will be.

 

There's always going to be challenges and this... 'Mr. Right'.. is far fetched, IMO.

 

This is why we may go thru a few.. in order to find one who is actually at our own level... where we are 'compatible'.

And this might be noticed over time.. not a few weeks.. or months.

Often things fall apart, as a couple may realize they're not so compatible within 1-6 months. ( that first year.. is critical).

 

All takes time.

 

Who knows.. you might come across a nice guy at a sporting event... movie theatre.. party with friends. You might find each other attractive ( often comes first).. then the interest may blossom ( a bit more). But, doesn't mean they're going to stick around for another year.. or 10. You have NO idea at that time. ( I often say.. in the end, looks have nothing to do with it.. it's are you compatible?).

 

No high expectations.. and either you'll find someone to your liking, which seems to go well for YOU.. or it doesn't.

 

Life is an experience. Life it and learn. Give it time... and just live.

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There is no "one destined one". There is a Mr Right in the sense that its the opposite of Mr Wrong. I think there are a lot of Mr Rights - as in they have the qualities that give a green light as far as dating them and giving them a chance, but not "one and only one possible"

 

You talk a lot about morals and standards. Are you looking for a "baseline" set of standards - guy has a job that pays enough to put food on the table at the very basic, he has a reasonably healthy relationship with his family, he has a similar faith outlook that doesn't majorly conflict with yours, he isn't into drugs - and you are just aren't finding it - or are you really drilling down your requirements as far as he has to be identical to you - where there is no room to agree to disagree on certain points such as who you vote for for city council, he has to make as much or more than you, etc. has to be within a narrow height range, has to have the identical hobbies, etc... If its the baseline standards you can't find, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. But if its really drilled down - maybe its time to decide no one is going to be identical to you and sometimes there is growth and strength when two people are not cookie cutters of eachother.

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I have high expectation of people in general and I don't befriend people easily as well, not until I know they are worthy

 

Mr. Right is a subjective thing.

 

But from what you say here, it sounds like you are Ms. Difficult looking for Mr. Difficult. And you may have a hard time finding someone you don't butt heads with.

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From the way you describe yourself in your post, you come off as a person who sounds perfectionist, self-righteous, rigid and judgmental.

 

Hi There Clio,

You're correct in all that you have said and I'd agree with justshine1, too

 

..but by doing just this I just got burned hard by a man and didn't see it coming.

 

I guess you are right I can't live behind a wall. I know life is not all black and white there's the grey too... but I have to be careful as well, so as not to get hurt. And I don't want perfect but whatever is the next best and closest to it. Is it wrong to have a hope?

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I don't believe in "one destined one" either, and acknowledge no one is "perfect", but I do believe in "Mr. or Ms. Right" in that we will meet many people throughout our lives who are "right for us" or "perfect for us" at that particular point in time.

 

That doesn't mean they have no flaws, only that when they're "right for us" or "perfect for us" we accept those flaws because we love each other (in the true sense of the word and feeling), understand each other, and are compatible (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.)

 

We may have relationships with many Mr. or Ms. Rights throughout our lives.

 

So no I don't believe it's a myth.

 

One true "soulmate"? THAT is a myth imo.

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If you are a highly value-oriented person or an idealist, this may have a sociological aspect as well as a psychological one and depending on where you are and where you are searching for Mr.Right, you may indeed be correct in what you are seeing.

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I dunno. I do believe in a destined one . My husband and I don't think we will have other " rights" in our life. But everyone's reality is different.

 

I hate to even think this, let alone say it, but God forbid something were to happen to your husband, and he passed, are you saying that that's it?

 

There will never be anyone else? There will never be another "Mr. Right" for you"?

 

Maybe not "right" in the same way your husband is *right* for you, but still right nevertheless.

 

If no, then okay I respect that!

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I hate to even think this, let alone say it, but God forbid something were to happen to your husband, and he passed, are you saying that that's it?

 

There will never be anyone else? There will never be another "Mr. Right" for you"?

 

Maybe not "right" in the same way your husband is *right* for you, but still right nevertheless.

 

If no, then okay I respect that!

No. I would never look for another man. First , I would not want to. I love my husband right down to my soul. I have been with him more than half my life. So I don't know what it is to date and search. And frankly all the talk of dating on here and how atrocious it is scares the sh.t out of me. Second, finding one would accept my adult son with a disability , not too likely. Unless they accept my son wholeheartedly I could never be with them not even just as dating.

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No. I would never look for another man. First , I would not want to. I love my husband right down to my soul. I have been with him more than half my life. So I don't know what it is to date and search. And frankly all the talk of dating on here and how atrocious it is scares the sh.t out of me. Second, finding one would accept my adult son with a disability , not too likely. Unless they accept my son wholeheartedly I could never be with them not even just as dating.

 

Fair enough, but sometimes the most important people come into our lives when we're not even looking.

 

This may sound hokey but if we're open to it, sometimes the universe brings people to our lives when we need them most, to love and to teach us valuable lessons. Often when we least expect it.

 

But I respect the love you feel for your husband, and him you, and respect that he truly is the *only* one for you.

 

I am certainly not in any position to disagree with you about that!

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Fair enough, but sometimes the most important people come into our lives when we're not even looking.

 

This may sound hokey but if we're open to it, sometimes the universe brings people to our lives when we need them most, to love and to teach us valuable lessons. Often when we least expect it.

 

But I respect the love you feel for your husband, and him you, and respect that he truly is the *only* one for you.

 

I am certainly not in any position to disagree with you about that!

 

Oh absolutely , my husband came to me when I wasn't looking.

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Mr Right, in the sense that someone who is right for me, who has compatible values and personality fit, is reality for me.

 

It's important to have values that you require a partner to possess (must haves) and qualities that you absolutely cannot accept in a partner (deal breakers), and most likely, the right person indeed possess the must-haves and don't have any deal breakers. But anything outside of these are negotiable, and these are things where you can be more flexible about and allows you to not narrow your pool of people so small that you just can't find anyone.

 

It is also important to do a reality check as to whether your must-haves and deal-breakers are realistic. For example you might want someone family oriented, but then you will have to realise they likely won't be too ambitious career wise.

 

Perhaps you can share your required values and qualities?

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I believe that if a woman wants to have biological children and is over 30 she should be proactive in looking for a partner -but of course not desperate. I do believe in Mr. Right to a point and then I also know that there must be more than one Mr. Rights for most people. My Mr. Right ended up being someone who was Mr. Wrong 8 years earlier. I could spin my story as "when I wasn't looking" - but there's another side to it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I believe that if a woman wants to have biological children and is over 30 she should be proactive in looking for a partner -but of course not desperate. I do believe in Mr. Right to a point and then I also know that there must be more than one Mr. Rights for most people. My Mr. Right ended up being someone who was Mr. Wrong 8 years earlier. I could spin my story as "when I wasn't looking" - but there's another side to it.

 

Mind if I ask How he was Mr. wrong and then how did he become Mr. Right. Was it him that changed or your perspective of looking into things, the situation changed...

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Mind if I ask How he was Mr. wrong and then how did he become Mr. Right. Was it him that changed or your perspective of looking into things, the situation changed...

 

The first two. We both changed -he grew in confidence and followed his dream career (which helped with the confidence part). I got over my habit of wanting to be challenged more by unavailability and that kind of "excitement" -I had become the right person to find the right person. I had ended an on again/off again 7 year relationship 6 months earlier and had a great "a ha" moment about why it didn't work and what I needed in a partner (and that moment happened over a month before we actually were in touch). Perhaps being involved with others while we were apart changed our perspective too.

The situation did not change and in fact got more challenging because when we got back together we no longer worked in the same city and his career required geographic flexibility. The first time we dated we actually worked for the same company and lived walking distance from each other for most of that time.

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