Jump to content

Venting - Advice...?


follsy

Recommended Posts

Hello,

Im a 36 year old male, married with 3 kids. My wife and I are pretty much like roommates. There is zero sex life and its from both ends meaning that we just both don't have the desire with each other anymore, but that is the least of my concerns considering everything else. She is very verbally abusive toward me. Always yellng and fighting with everyone. I know her childhood wasn't the greatest and she witnessed her mom being abused by some family members, so I do acknowledge this and so I do understand possibly why she is like this. However, I also believe that as an adult, and the fact that she's been through it and she acknowledges how bad it was that she should also be accountable for her own actions. She is ALWAYS yelling and has no clue how to just talk normally about something. Its gotten harder as the kids are getting a bit older now and can hear and understand the things being said. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. They are my world, and they love love love being with me and doing different activities. My Wife will often get annoyed at little things and resort to calling me stupid or saying that im the dumbest person in the world etc.. Also when she gets mad she will also call me ugly. Now, I do understand that by someone saying these things they do not mean they are true, and I do have a good job and an education and so the comments used to roll right off of me. I have to admit though that when these comments are made constantly you start to almost believe these things to a degree. If something happens at work where I make a mistake on something the first thought that will enter my mind are those comments of "you're stupid", or "you're dumb".. Or if someone even jokes at work about something about appearance even though I know they are a friend and just joking, the first thought is that I am ugly. Even just typing this post is causing me to tear up a little and I don't exactly know why. I used to by confident in my work and my looks, but lately a lot of this is creeping up on me and my confidence is dropping fast. When I bring this up to my wife and tell her that the insults aren't necessary her response is well then don't do things to piss me off. I don't fight in front of my kids and I know that I can only control my own actions, but I feel like she knows that she can say these things and I wont do anything about it because I put the kids feelings first and so I wont say anything back to her that is mean. Im scared because when we do get in fights she's quick to just tell me to leave and she knows im so attached to the kids that I cant and wont. Ive told her we should go to counseling but her response is that she doesn't need to go and that everyone else has the problems and not her. Not really sure what im looking for with this post, I guess just venting... Anyhow, thanks for listening..

Link to comment

I'm sorry you're going through that. I was literally about to mention about counseling until I got to the last part of your post, and well, the only advice I can offer you is maybe you and your wife should go through a brief break. You need some time whether to think if the relationship is worth staying or not. I know divorce might be the last thing you want to do, but sometimes it is the only option you have.

 

Staying in a toxic marriage for the sake of your children only causes more harm than anything, and more to yourself.

 

No person has the right to be verbally abusive, no matter what gender and how terrible their childhood was. Each person has a choice on how to behave, and your wife is choosing to behave very rudely and inconsiderate.

Link to comment
Hello,

Im a 36 year old male, married with 3 kids. My wife and I are pretty much like roommates. There is zero sex life and its from both ends meaning that we just both don't have the desire with each other anymore, but that is the least of my concerns considering everything else. She is very verbally abusive toward me. Always yellng and fighting with everyone. I know her childhood wasn't the greatest and she witnessed her mom being abused by some family members, so I do acknowledge this and so I do understand possibly why she is like this. However, I also believe that as an adult, and the fact that she's been through it and she acknowledges how bad it was that she should also be accountable for her own actions. She is ALWAYS yelling and has no clue how to just talk normally about something. Its gotten harder as the kids are getting a bit older now and can hear and understand the things being said. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. They are my world, and they love love love being with me and doing different activities. My Wife will often get annoyed at little things and resort to calling me stupid or saying that im the dumbest person in the world etc.. Also when she gets mad she will also call me ugly. Now, I do understand that by someone saying these things they do not mean they are true, and I do have a good job and an education and so the comments used to roll right off of me. I have to admit though that when these comments are made constantly you start to almost believe these things to a degree. If something happens at work where I make a mistake on something the first thought that will enter my mind are those comments of "you're stupid", or "you're dumb".. Or if someone even jokes at work about something about appearance even though I know they are a friend and just joking, the first thought is that I am ugly. Even just typing this post is causing me to tear up a little and I don't exactly know why. I used to by confident in my work and my looks, but lately a lot of this is creeping up on me and my confidence is dropping fast. When I bring this up to my wife and tell her that the insults aren't necessary her response is well then don't do things to piss me off. I don't fight in front of my kids and I know that I can only control my own actions, but I feel like she knows that she can say these things and I wont do anything about it because I put the kids feelings first and so I wont say anything back to her that is mean. Im scared because when we do get in fights she's quick to just tell me to leave and she knows im so attached to the kids that I cant and wont. Ive told her we should go to counseling but her response is that she doesn't need to go and that everyone else has the problems and not her. Not really sure what im looking for with this post, I guess just venting... Anyhow, thanks for listening..

 

When your spouse disrespects you in front of other people it shows that they have contempt for you--not just that they are upset or don't love you, but contempt. It's pretty hard to get them to change when it's that serious. I can understand why there's no intimacy when it sounds like a combat zone.

Link to comment

She sounds like a bully and is calling your bluff about wanting to go to counseling.

My suggestion. . Go to counseling by yourself.

 

I was in a similar situation and when I went by myself it threatened my husband at the time.

He didn't like the changes he saw in me because he preferred that I didn't have a back bone or a voice.

At that point he insisted on going to couples counseling with me. Not for the right reasons, mind you.

 

Ultimately it all helped show me the door.

I wish the outcome was different. It may be for you.

You have young children at home and you owe it to them to see if it can be salvageable.

At the very least, you'll know you did everything you could on your end.

 

But doing the same thing you are doing now and expecting a different result is pointless.

It's time to do something. . something different to change the dynamic.

Link to comment

When did you get married? Is this an affair gf? This post is from 11-25-2016 ] I posted yesterday about my GF breaking up with me. I put on about 10 lbs and lost some muscle etc.. Ive already lost 10 lbs and am on a mission (for myself), but i'm not gonna lie I cant wait for her to see a pic of me in a couple months and possibly regret treating me how she did

Link to comment

Female on male abuse is extremely complicated when you've got children in the picture. Obviously it's in the children's best interests to not be with the verbally abusive mother, but without some compelling evidence and a good chunk of money on court costs, you stand a good chance of losing them to her, especially so if she's been the caretaker.

 

By all means, try to amend your marriage, see if counseling can ever pan out, but also start documenting. I don't know what kind of means you've got, but if you can afford to sit down with a family lawyer, not necessarily to file anything, but to see what you can do to avoid losing them to an abusive parental figure. If she's at the point of not caring about yelling in front of them, you've seriously gotta start thinking about how to provide for their developmental needs.

Link to comment
His long distance gf broke up with him because he gained 10 lbs... that's pretty rich. And apparently another kid popped out between today and this past Monday.

 

Are you potentially getting yelled at because you cheat on your wife and have a habit of forgetting you have a third kid?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...