Is it wrong of me to want to dump 37 year old jobless, hypochondriac bf?

I love my boyfriend. I really do. I connect with him more than anyone and I know we are soulmates. I think he is a talented person when it comes to many things but all of that aside.... he just isn't doing anything. He talks about doing things and the things he will accomplish but I never see him trying to do any of it. The reality is he is 37 years old, not working, and not doing anything. I have tried to push this aside for as long as I can. I am only 21. I am not a shallow person, it never mattered to me that he didn't have money. I take care of myself. So that's not the issue. The issue is he is not doing anything to look for a job. He was living with his mom for three years basically and during that whole time he did nothing but live there. HE DID go to school, and almost finished his degree. Other than that nothing. Now he is moved out of his moms, and his mom is paying all his bills, besides food because he gets food stamps. He doesn't even have a car..... He is back in school getting certified... but I feel like if he cant hold down a job right now then what would make me believe he would be able to do so after getting a certificate from a trade school?

I am conflicted about this. On one hand I love him for who he is and this stuff doesn't matter. On another hand its starting to bug me. I am not sure how to motivate him to do anything.

ANOTHER thing is the excuses..... I think he makes excuses for everything. He has been convinced that has something he hasn't been diagnosed with. He goes to the doctors SO MUCH. They haven't found anything serious but he is always self diagnosing himself online, and telling me that he is dying. I am supportive as I can possibly be but its stressful. I have never met anybody so dramatic about their health. I'm convinced he is a hypochondriac.... I'm not sure if he really has anything or not. I just think its all bull and he is paranoid.

Of course I don't tell him that because I don't want to come across as an insensitive . But i'm starting to get FED UP with all of this. At this rate he will never get a job, and will always be ill with mysterious, undiagnosed illnesses.

The last month it has been pissing me off and irritating me more than usual. He said once he moved out of his moms he would get a job. But he puts forth no effort.

I want to break up with him. I feel like a bad person for wanting that but I fear he is never going to change. Would I be wrong to breakup with him? I just don't know how much more I can take. I am trying my hardest to get all of my stuff together in life and dealing with mental health issues of my own.

I feel shallow for wanting to leave him, but he just isnt trying...

I love him dearly but I honestly don't see how him and I WILL WORK if he is always going to be this way. Does anyone think its even possible that he will change?

It would be so different if he was just down on his luck right now and was making a genuine effort to be different. But that's really not the case with him. I know that he says he wants a job but every action he does says otherwise.

TO JUST throw this out there, he has gone clubbing, to bars, to movies, out with friends, to a halloween party. It's not like his illnesses are an issue then. They become an issue when he is at home in his room, sleeping all day, staying up all night and basically just watching movies/watching porn/ and fu**ing off. IF I HAD ANY REASON to believe that he was undiagnosed with something serious and genuinely suffering I would be much more understanding, But I KNOW ITS all a farce. I am not stupid. I am sick of his crap and his drama about dying yet he can go out with his friends on random occassions and be fine??? I dont think so. What should I do?

HE IS MY SOULMATE so the love I Have for him is unconditional, and I know our connection will always be there. But as far as dating him goes..... is it just a mistake to even try until he gets his life together?

YES I have asked numerous questions about him on here.

It's hard to cut the ties because him and I talked for three years before we dated. I've known him a long time.

Is he addicted to prescriptions?

I love my boyfriend. I really do. I connect with him more than anyone and I know we are soulmates. The reality is he is 37 years old, not working, and not doing anything. I am only 21. He goes to the doctors SO MUCH.

You soulmate is an unemployed 37 year old manchild who is living off mommy???? Is this a joke?

You soulmate is an unemployed 37 year old manchild who is living off mommy???? Is this a joke?

Lmfao. I wish it was.

Is he addicted to prescriptions?

Not that I'm aware of. But he is most certainly wallowing in self Pity and his "health problems" daily.

Lmfao. I wish it was.

My point was that perhaps you want to reconsider who you call a soulmate, dump this loser and raise your standards.....a lot.....

You soulmate is an unemployed 37 year old manchild who is living off mommy???? Is this a joke?

I am FULLY AWARE OF how pathetic it is. But I still love him. Which is not going to get me anywhere.

My point was that perhaps you want to reconsider who you call a soulmate, dump this loser and raise your standards.....a lot.....

The hard part is we connect in a lot of ways and I just haven't found that with anyone else..... but I know he's a loser based off the fact that he is jobless, no car and using his mom. If he WASN'T like this, I think he would be perfect for me. But I don't see how he is going to change. But ya I see your point. It's more of a reflection on his character than anything else that is a cause for concern... if he can't hold a job then how can he be in a serious relationship. I get your point. I do need to raise my standards... drastically.

When "health problems" are used for gain it's called malingering. Since he's lives a parasitic lifestyle it's working for him.

Read up on sociopaths. They often live parasitic lifestyles and malingering is often an art-form for them to facilitate that.

But he is most certainly wallowing in self Pity and his "health problems" daily.

I cant judge this person just yet, you mentioned health problems and that he is going to school. Thats at least better than not doing anything at all but still not good enough.

What exactly is his health problem, is it psychological?

When "health problems" are used for gain it's called malingering. Since he's lives a parasitic lifestyle it's working for him.

 

Read up on sociopaths. They often live parasitic lifestyles and malingering is often an art-form for them to facilitate that.

I will look it up. I mean... he definitely tries to put on an act of wanting to stay positive and not wanting people to worry. Yet he will send me messages like "I'm dying. Something is eating my brain." LOL. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous and complete bull****. It is very possible that he may be a sociopath or have a personality disorder of some kind. I'll do some research.

I am FULLY AWARE OF how pathetic it is. But I still love him. Which is not going to get me anywhere.

So then you know what you need to do, right?

I think you are also lying to yourself just a little bit when you say that you love him so much. Sounds like you love parts of him plus....if only he would be normal, not a hypochondriac, not unemployed, not living off mom, etc., etc., etc. So in effect you love a man which he is not. Have the courage to actually get out there and find the man that you truly love unconditionally, who has what you need without the...if only he would do this and change that... You can't fix or change people like you can a fixer upper house.

Are you sure that when you say you "love" him, you don't really mean "Chemically addicted to and have a sentimental attachment for?".

Are you "in love" with him?

I guess if you did really love him, his situation wouldn't really matter that much to you. Maybe love isn't enough.

Unfortunately, some people havie trouble conforming to what the rest of us deem as the "right" way of living, which seems a little unfair. I feel sorry for him really, but that doesn't help with your situation.

truly love unconditionally

Just to be completely fair, I don't think there is such a thing, although it's a sweet thought. I think unconditional love is just a kind of sentimental myth.

he will send me messages like "I'm dying. Something is eating my brain." LOL.

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Order me some of what he's smoking, please mate

So then you know what you need to do, right?

 

I think you are also lying to yourself just a little bit when you say that you love him so much. Sounds like you love parts of him plus....if only he would be normal, not a hypochondriac, not unemployed, not living off mom, etc., etc., etc. So in effect you love a man which he is not. Have the courage to actually get out there and find the man that you truly love unconditionally, who has what you need without the...if only he would do this and change that... You can't fix or change people like you can a fixer upper house.

I think you're right. Honestly I got caught up in it all and yes, it's true that we can't fix people like that.

Are you sure that when you say you "love" him, you don't really mean "Chemically addicted to and have a sentimental attachment for?".

 

Are you "in love" with him?

 

I guess if you did really love him, his situation wouldn't really matter that much to you. Maybe love isn't enough.

 

Unfortunately, some people havie trouble conforming to what the rest of us deem as the "right" way of living, which seems a little unfair. I feel sorry for him really, but that doesn't help with your situation.

 

 

 

Just to be completely fair, I don't think there is such a thing, although it's a sweet thought. I think unconditional love is just a kind of sentimental myth.

Well, it really didn't bug me for a long time and I attributed it to him just being "too smart" for this world and an odd ball like me. I understand what it's like to have a hard time conforming to the world around me, trust me I have a lot of experience with that. It's not easy. But that still isn't enough of an excuse to just lay around and not do anything. For a long time I thought love was bs. But then he came along and I truly have never felt this way about another human being. BUT Perhaps I REALLY only AM IN LOVE WITH Parts Of him. I think I've just been putting off leaving him because I genuinely do care about him and I don't want to break his heart. Which is immature on my part because staying longer will make it worse.

Order me some of what he's smoking, please mate

LMFAO. Yeah I was thinking the same thing when he told me that. I felt bad but I honestly don't know how to respond. He is quite comical but still lolol

It sounds like you are in love with the myth of the misunderstood tortured genius.

I attributed it to him just being "too smart" for this world.

It sounds like you are in love with the myth of the misunderstood tortured genius.

Probably lol. I have always been drawn to that sort of thing.

HE IS MY SOULMATE so the love I Have for him is uncondition. He might not be. You will forever love him but doesn't sound like he wants to be a man.

If you don't want to be married, have a family or equal partner. Continue this relationship.

You can't force somebody to change. He is 37 and taking advantage of a young girl IMO. A girl his own age would of kicked him to the curb along time ago.

Move on before it's too late.

Take care.

First I just want to make sure, is he diagnosed with any mental illness? The reason I'm asking is because I was once diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I lost all motivation for anything. It's not that I didn't want to do it, it's the lack of motivation and depression that made it hard. My husband never gave up on me and married me anyways.

I don't want to judge your boyfriend before knowing the facts. No one will ever understand what it's like to have a mental illness and can't work because of it unless they have it. It's very quick to judge and say the person is a loser, but it's not always the case.

With that being said, if he is not diagnosed or have anything, than yes, it's called malingering! Before you jump the gun and assume that, I would talk to him. See if his doctor or a therapist of some sort thinks he has a mental illness.

I just can't imagine when I was at my worst stage of my depression that husband would give up on me and thinks I'm a loser because of it. It was because of his support that helped me get through it. All the best to you.

Here's what he may actually have: . Yeah I was thinking the same thing when he told me that. I felt bad but I honestly don't know how to respond. He is quite comical but still lolol

It sounds like you are in love with the myth of the misunderstood tortured genius.

Probably lol. I have always been drawn to that sort of thing.

First I just want to make sure, is he diagnosed with any mental illness? The reason I'm asking is because I was once diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I lost all motivation for anything. It's not that I didn't want to do it, it's the lack of motivation and depression that made it hard. My husband never gave up on me and married me anyways.

 

I don't want to judge your boyfriend before knowing the facts. No one will ever understand what it's like to have a mental illness and can't work because of it unless they have it. It's very quick to judge and say the person is a loser, but it's not always the case.

 

With that being said, if he is not diagnosed or have anything, than yes, it's called malingering! Before you jump the gun and assume that, I would talk to him. See if his doctor or a therapist of some sort thinks he has a mental illness.

 

I just can't imagine when I was at my worst stage of my depression that husband would give up on me and thinks I'm a loser because of it. It was because of his support that helped me get through it. All the best to you.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Believe me when I say I can STRONGLY relate to what you went through. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, also anxiety disorders and I have had bouts throughout my entire life filled with no motivation to do anything and wanting to die. That being said, my bf doesnt have depression, he wants to live and he does enjoy going out with friends. I work and push myself to do the things, even if I lack all the motivation to do them. I do them anyways. I feel like my bf has nothing major and he is definitely a hypochondriac. I know it's not depression. But you made a good point. Sometimes when people are like that it's because of a mental Illness. I know that's not the case when it comes to him. He is a much happier and positive person than I am, he is just lazy unfortunately. Your husband sounds like a very great man to stick by your side like that. And if it were the case that my bf was suffering from depression then I would 100% stay with him and help him through it.

Here's what he may actually have: ]

OH GOD. I'd send that article to him but I really don't wanna freak him out.