I think he's considering a break up... I want to turn things around

Hi guys,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years. I've always struggled with the issue of being supportive of him. I think he's considering a break up with me just based on him being extra reflective of our relationship lately. He hasn't really let me into this thought process other than to say things like "sometimes you can be so wonderful but other times so bad, I've spent a lot of time thinking about that this week." when I let him know something I appreciate about him randomly.

He also said, "I wonder when you're acting out if you realize that you're acting ridiculous." in response to an apology for my poor behavior over the course of the week.

He also said, "You can be so up and down. It can be exhausting" when trying to make me feel better after I was upset about not getting enough of his attention. For the record, I was being unreasonable here.

I have gotten better about being supportive of him, in the sense that I don't act as a hindrance, but I could alway be more supportive (ie more positive than neutral). I'm working on that too. Basically, now that I am getting the sense that he's considering a break up but hasn't made a decision yet (or perhaps he has and is waiting on me to finish with an important project at work this week to tell me, but I don't think that's the case) I want to turn things around. It's hard to do this credibly because I don't want him to think I am acting a certain way only to stop the break up.

This forum often says you can't get back together with someone by begging and saying you'll change. I am hoping since I am before the break up, now is the time to turn things around. But how?

Please help. This man meets my needs in the relationship so thing on my end are great. Things probably don't feel that way on his end. I want to turn it around but he's felt this way for a while I think so I'd imagine its hard to get him to stop considering a break up by just saying I will change.

I'm sorry if this is too vague. Hopefully I can clear things up in follow up posts.

Quick background: we are recently in a LDR. I visited him because I was in town but he was very busy at work. He tried to spend a lot of time with me by having dinner with me every night, taking me on nice dates, etc. However, I was frustrated at a lack of physical attention for the first time ever. I wanted both his time and physical attention. He told me that he's been stressed at work a lot lately. But this was only after I'd thrown a bit of a fit over his wanting to go on a run. I felt rejected and took it out on him doing other things even though I was invited on the run. He told me he's stressed at work, but he's always stressed at work and its never been an issue before. This probably fed into his idea that I am not supportive

Have you asked him straight out? It sounds like you are admittedly high maintenance both rationally and emotionally. Have you tried speaking to him about that?

A last minute "I'll change, I promise" isnt going to do any good. You need to approach him and tell him straight out, and unsolicited "Hey, I been thinking about what you said about me acting out and being up and down, and I value your feelings and how hard that must be so I'd like to to change it. I would like to make it better and I need your input on how."

Start there.

How old are you? Have you broken up before? What are the fights about? Have you considered he may be seeing someone locally if he would rather sneak out for "a run" than have sex with you when you visit?

It sounds like you are incompatible on many levels and you don't need to fix or change yourself, LDRs take their toll. It may be best to get to the heart of the matter rather than be at the receiving end of his dismissive, indifferent attitude.

Does he want a relationship with you? Why is it long distance? Who moved and why?

He also said, "I wonder when you're acting out if you realize that you're acting ridiculous." He also said, "You can be so up and down. It can be exhausting". This man meets my needs in the relationship so thing on my end are great

I don't think I am very high maintenance in a way that makes him uncomfortable. He likes spending his free time with me, etc. However, I freak out when there are changes in routine because I feel like there is something wrong. Generally, I come around once I realize I am being silly. But this leads to an up and down especially when we are at a point when there are many changes being made in our personal lives.

For example, he started a new job and has been going out with coworkers/bosses a lot. Its his first time doing things like this and it made me feel like he was going to bars to get laid. I've never really gone out much before myself so I thought that's all that happened lol. I realized I was being silly only after telling him/getting sad/getting angry that his going out until 2 am was disrespectful to the relationship because single people don't do that. Once I had a moment to actually think about it, I came to my senses. So now if he were to go out, I'd say "Have fun!" but its obviously caused an up/down. He probably also thought I wasn't being supportive again because I didn't really understand him when he said it'd be weird to always say no to going out with my superiors. He also invited me to come with them and that made things better too.

I don't think I am very high maintenance in a way that makes him uncomfortable.

Well, the things he told you that you shared here say otherwise.

Freakin out over a change in plans is indeed high maintenance. Even if you eventually do come around. It is indeed exhausting for him. And you are obviously very insecure to the point that you tell yourself stories of what he may be doing that are in no way reflective of reality. Honestly, Im surprised he is still around.

We are 23. No break ups before.

He's not seeing anyone else Wiseman2. He's always at work. Its only a temporary location (he'll travel a lot) he's in so he hasn't had time to meet any one else. I trust him (and I also verify). He invited me on the run. Also, we had sex twice that week, it just wasn't as great as usual and he didn't really initiate as much/wasn't as receptive, so it could just be a lull in the relationship compared to our usual.

We don't really fight much. He just thinks I am unsupportive. At his new job now, he is constantly having to be on his phone from home. At first, I took this new change to mean he was less interested in me. What kind of job requires that? It was only once I understood whats going on that I became supportive/understanding. But my negative attitude made him think I wasn't being supportive. He thinks I should trust that he's not lying to him when there are these kinds of changes and act supportive even if I haven't had the time to fully understand, which admittedly, is true.

It's not a change in plans I freak out about. Its a change in his routine. For example, if you were dating someone and they would always call you every day for two years and then all of a sudden it went to once or twice a week, wouldn't that change make you a little uncomfortable if you didnt know what was going on? Well its the same with me here, except I react first and understand later.

I think you're being a little negative by saying "Im surprised he is still around." Like what stories do I tell myself?

Wiseman2, he wants a relationship with me. Recently said he's thankful for me being in his life every day. I don't think he's generally dismissive or indifferent. Our long distance relationship hasn't taken a toll on us in that way. We were long distnace three months out of the year every year. Our relationship is based on a strong friendship and talking to each other is one of his favorite things to do. We dated throughout college. We are both pursuing different things in different cities for the year then will be together once in May.

It's not a change in plans I freak out about. Its a change in his routine. For example, if you were dating someone and they would always call you every day for two years and then all of a sudden it went to once or twice a week, wouldn't that change make you a little uncomfortable if you didnt know what was going on? Well its the same with me here, except I react first and understand later.

 

I think you're being a little negative by saying "Im surprised he is still around." Like what stories do I tell myself?

It seems you have some very serious trust and insecuity issues that need to be dealt with. Has he cheated in the past? Has he given you reason to feel he would?

You told yourself a story that he was out getting laid. Did you have any evidence that he would do something like that? If not, its the story you told yourself in your head.

And I am surprised he is still around, and you should be thankful. A lot of guys wouldn't put up with these things, and you are here because you yourself are fearing he is about to be gone, so am I really being negative or am I just not saying what you want to hear?

Edmund, I didn't tell myself a story that he was getting laid. I just thought that a guy at a bar was only there for the sex and thats the impression he'd give off to other people. I'm not worried about him actually doing it. Then I realized this is normal behavior for guys in their 20s.

No he hasn't cheated. He hasn't given me a reason to feel he would.

What things would guys not put up with? I think you're being negative because we could have had a very strong relationship and have hit a rough patch. I've only told you about whats going on now and you are assuming the past.

Anyway, the name of this website is enotalone. Hopefully, I can get some advice on what I can do now that I've seen the error of my ways and before a break up.

I don't think I am very high maintenance in a way that makes him uncomfortable. He likes spending his free time with me, etc. However, I freak out when there are changes in routine because I feel like there is something wrong. Generally, I come around once I realize I am being silly. But this leads to an up and down especially when we are at a point when there are many changes being made in our personal lives.

 

For example, he started a new job and has been going out with coworkers/bosses a lot. Its his first time doing things like this and it made me feel like he was going to bars to get laid. I've never really gone out much before myself so I thought that's all that happened lol. I realized I was being silly only after telling him/getting sad/getting angry that his going out until 2 am was disrespectful to the relationship because single people don't do that. Once I had a moment to actually think about it, I came to my senses. So now if he were to go out, I'd say "Have fun!" but its obviously caused an up/down. He probably also thought I wasn't being supportive again because I didn't really understand him when he said it'd be weird to always say no to going out with my superiors. He also invited me to come with them and that made things better too.

You have stated here that when you think realistically about the situation, you come "to your senses". From now on, do that thinking process BEFORE you create a big drama about it. He is having all the stresses of a new job, new colleagues etc - it doesn't take a lot of imagination to realise that he needs you by his side, emotionally speaking, rather than making unreasonable demands of him. Frankly, it's very disrespectful of you to assume that he was going out to bars to get laid. All the negative stuff is happening inside your own head, but you're blaming him for it.

It seems that you are very insecure in this relationship, but your imagination would probably run riot no matter who you were with. I hope you manage to work things out OK with your boyfriend, but it might be useful to have someone else to share your fears with - someone outside the relationship, so it won't cause problems within it. Therapy would help you build up a more secure base from which to have a relationship, which would make both of you happier, but if that's not possible, do you have a trusted friend you could share your fears with?

Nutbrownhare, I actually have a close friend who I have started t tell things that I am upset about before I act on them. And she stops me from doing crazy things. Before, she would just find out afterwards. So yes, I am working on it.

For context, I have never had a job before (student) so the fact that this is his fifth week on the job I thought would mean things are less stressful lol.

Any ideas on what I can do so things can be OK now that there is such a negative environment. We've been dating for 4.5 years so I'd hate to throw it away for something like this.

Edmund, I didn't tell myself a story that he was getting laid. I just thought that a guy at a bar was only there for the sex and thats the impression he'd give off to other people. I'm not worried about him actually doing it. Then I realized this is normal behavior for guys in their 20s.

 

No he hasn't cheated. He hasn't given me a reason to feel he would.

 

What things would guys not put up with? I think you're being negative because we could have had a very strong relationship and have hit a rough patch. I've only told you about whats going on now and you are assuming the past.

 

Anyway, the name of this website is enotalone. Hopefully, I can get some advice on what I can do now that I've seen the error of my ways and before a break up.

Actually, I gave you some in my first post which was to have an open and honest conversation with him.

Edmund, I didn't tell myself a story that he was getting laid. I just thought that a guy at a bar was only there for the sex and thats the impression he'd give off to other people. I'm not worried about him actually doing it. Then I realized this is normal behavior for guys in their 20s.

 

No he hasn't cheated. He hasn't given me a reason to feel he would.

 

What things would guys not put up with? I think you're being negative because we could have had a very strong relationship and have hit a rough patch. I've only told you about whats going on now and you are assuming the past.

 

Anyway, the name of this website is enotalone. Hopefully, I can get some advice on what I can do now that I've seen the error of my ways and before a break up.

Sweetie, think about it. Sure, there will be some people who go to bars to get laid. I'd bet, though, that the vast majority of people go there to have a drink and socialise, with no other agenda - especially if he's with his co-workers!

It's not just guys who will get weary of a partner who needs constant reassurance that they're not cheating. I know I would; in its own way, it's as insulting as suspecting the other person of thieving - even if you don't intend it like that.

The really positive thing about this whole situation is that you realise that it's you that has the problem. This means you're halfway to solving it, unlike many people who are determined that it's the OTHER person who has to change.

Firstly, stop telling yourself that he's considering a breakup. He might well not be. But thinking he is might turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let yourself know that you are utterly lovable, gorgeous and wonderful - he's told you so in many ways already. I said in my last post that sharing your fears might help, but equally important is building up your self esteem. There are many, many online resources to help you do this; it would be a good idea to have a look and see which fits for you.

Good luck!

For context, I have never had a job before (student) so the fact that this is his fifth week on the job I thought would mean things are less stressful lol.

 

Any ideas on what I can do so things can be OK now that there is such a negative environment. We've been dating for 4.5 years so I'd hate to throw it away for something like this.

Lordy - I feel for you! When I was in my second year at university, my boyfriend had already left and started working. We broke up shortly after that, because I was expecting the relationship to be the same, only long distance.

When I left university and started working, I realised that the two situations are in different universes! There's no way the relationship could have been the same... just as yours will change, too. However, after 4.5 years you have a very firm grounding together and there's no reason why you shouldn't get through this patch - as long as you get the appropriate support.

Edmund, he and I have already had this conversation before. That's why I am preplexed as to what to do now. Clearly, I need to be more supportive. My only fear is that he breaks up with me before I can show him I am taking it seriously. I need more time and I don't know how to get that. Asking for it isn't fair because I've asked before.

This is something I've struggled with throughout our time together. It might just be nearing a breaking point now.

Should I just tell him that I don't want to talk the issue to death. The negativity in our relationship doesn't just pop up when we are together and provide him examples as to why this is the case. Then tell him, I've realized that I shouldnt expect him to be understanding of my bad behavior while I come to my senses, and I'll fix it. Before I used to tell him, well I'm not perfect!! I come to my senses eventually. I really just need more time with him to fix this now that I know whats wrong

Edmund, he and I have already had this conversation before. That's why I am preplexed as to what to do now. Clearly, I need to be more supportive. My only fear is that he breaks up with me before I can show him I am taking it seriously. I need more time and I don't know how to get that. Asking for it isn't fair because I've asked before.

 

This is something I've struggled with throughout our time together. It might just be nearing a breaking point now.

 

Should I just tell him that I don't want to talk the issue to death. The negativity in our relationship doesn't just pop up when we are together and provide him examples as to why this is the case. Then tell him, I've realized that I shouldnt expect him to be understanding of my bad behavior while I come to my senses, and I'll fix it. Before I used to tell him, well I'm not perfect!! I come to my senses eventually. I really just need more time with him to fix this now that I know whats wrong

 

Well if I was him, the first thing I would ask is how you plan to fix it. Can you answer that? If you've had the conversation before what would he be hearing that he hasn't heard before?

Nutbrownhare, I am pretty sure he is considering a break up because he asked me if this is a good idea given my inability to be understanding of his work. I said yes. Then I said do I need to tell you why? He said no. I don't really see if its relevant though because isn't this something I should work on regardless? I just need time to show him I will work on it

Is taking ownership of this really something I need to do in a way where I tell him if I am taking ownership if I want more time or do I just change my actions but worry about not having enough time? I am worried if I confirm to him that I am in the wrong he will take it as justification for the break up rather than acknowledgement that I am fixing an issue. Perhaps I'll need to remind him that I have fixed my ways with other rough patches before when he's given me time.

Edmund, thats probably a reasonable first question he'd have. I would tell him a few things.

First, is that this is the first time that I am acknowledging that my initial reaction is bad and he doesn't need to be understanding of it like I've expected or thought he should be. I don't really know what else to say. When I realize that something is bad I generally try to fix it but he might not see if that way?

The word "supportive" seems to come up way too much and it's very confusing because it means nothing. Why not identify the real issues if they are lack of communication or jealousy or trust issues or difficulty with distance and expectations and finally be honest with yourselves and each other rather than tiptoe around with nonsense notions of 'supportive'.

Be "supportive" when you have a commitment, not as just gf.. To be honest you shouldn't be "supportive" because you are not his wife, not even fiance and why is he expecting that from a college girl? You merely need to be more independent and more trusting as well as honest about feeling sidelined if that's the case. Why isn't he "supportive" of your doing more studying and enjoying college and campus life?

It would be best to get much more involved in your studies, campus life, events, activities, etc. the only future you know at this point is your own since he's made no indication of wanting to get engaged or have a future. You are over-investing and laser-focusing and that's what's causing all your anxiety.

Clearly, I need to be more supportive. My only fear is that he breaks up with me before I can show him I am taking it seriously

Nutbrownhare, I am pretty sure he is considering a break up because he asked me if this is a good idea given my inability to be understanding of his work. I said yes. Then I said do I need to tell you why? He said no. I don't really see if its relevant though because isn't this something I should work on regardless? I just need time to show him I will work on it

 

Is taking ownership of this really something I need to do in a way where I tell him if I am taking ownership if I want more time or do I just change my actions but worry about not having enough time? I am worried if I confirm to him that I am in the wrong he will take it as justification for the break up rather than acknowledgement that I am fixing an issue. Perhaps I'll need to remind him that I have fixed my ways with other rough patches before when he's given me time.

Don't tell him you're taking ownership, or (if you can resist!) start any conversations about the relationship. When you're with him, be as cheerful and pleasant as you can. Take time to listen to him, rather than telling him you're going to work on being understanding of his work. In other words, don't tell him that you're going to act in a certain way - just DO it!

Don't remind him about the times you've fixed your ways, or anything else about the relationship. It'll only make him feel tired. Being a pleasure to be around - which I'm sure you are when you're feeling OK about yourself - is far more likely to convince him that he wants to be with you! Start on this NOW. Feeling better about yourself, without needing him to reassure you constantly.

P.S. Years ago I had a partner whose neediness eventually drove me away. By the end, some of the scenarios were almost laughable; I recall him interrupting me and talking over me repeatedly when I was trying to tell him something... he was telling me that from now on, he would be mindful and start listening to me! It would have been very different if he had actually tried listening....

I'm not in college? And he's the most supportive person I know. When I have a goal, he lets me focus in on it without taking it as a personal attack.

Supportive means that he has a goal and I try to hinder it by feeling like I am less important even when he treats me the same. He has talked about wanting to get engaged or having a future. We have set a timeline for it too, after graduate school when we are financially strong enough to have kids. Its a 3 year timeline. But conditioned upon us getting there.

The real issue is jealousy/insecurity I guess. Though less about other woman and more about me. But this has always been the case so again, how do I fix it now and stop a break up from occurring?

Edmund, thats probably a reasonable first question he'd have. I would tell him a few things.

 

First, is that this is the first time that I am acknowledging that my initial reaction is bad and he doesn't need to be understanding of it like I've expected or thought he should be. I don't really know what else to say. When I realize that something is bad I generally try to fix it but he might not see if that way?

Understanding is the first step, but as Nutbrown pointed out, you also need to work on self control as far as not letting your first reaction get the best of you and taking time to process and talk yourself out of the things you are jumping to conclusions to. I can see just in our interaction that you react first, rationalize second.

I'm not in college? And he's the most supportive person I know. When I have a goal, he lets me focus in on it without taking it as a personal attack.

 

Supportive means that he has a goal and I try to hinder it by feeling like I am less important even when he treats me the same. He has talked about wanting to get engaged or having a future. We have set a timeline for it too, after graduate school when we are financially strong enough to have kids. Its a 3 year timeline. But conditioned upon us getting there.

 

The real issue is jealousy/insecurity I guess. Though less about other woman and more about me. But this has always been the case so again, how do I fix it now and stop a break up from occurring?

Do you have access to therapy? A good therapist can help you with why you are insecure and help you build on your confidence as well as to learn to not react to quickly. Insecurity is often a form of anxiety. Are you having issues with anxiety in other parts of your life?