Stuck on hurt after cheating ex

Hi

My relationship of 18 months came to an end In May. I was deeply in love and I thought he was too, until the last few months when he started making less time for me and blaming the pressures of work. I was there for him when his Dad died, helped him flat hunting, met his friends and kids, and was supportive through all his stress though he never really let me in and put up emotional walls, acting stoic.

At the end of May he casually let me down over an important commitment and I ended the relationship because I realised he had made a conscious choice to avoid being with me. He didn't argue, just watched me leave and just texted "sorry". I asked if there was anyone else and he said no. We made up for a week then split up again.,

We continued texting, talking, seeing each other, sleeping together until the end of July, with him blowing hot and cold on what he wanted. Sometimes he called day after day and treated me as if we were still together, other times he went silent. On our last meeting he was cold and distant and said he was overwhelmed. He still wanted us to see each other casually, but I refused to be a fallback girl. I asked him did he still think of me and miss me.. he said "I miss sex with you". I was angry and cut all contact then as I was so upset and I saw it was over.

I went for counselling and tried to recover. I was getting to acceptance, but was worried about him because I thought he he was still hurting and depressed. In fact he has now made his FB profile public and plastered it with romantic pictures of him on holidays and at events with his new girl (a colleague) from March onwards. One of these events was 4days after we split. I saw these for the first time last week. His FB profile had always been locked down before.. in fact I had never thought to check until then. I'm not a stalker and have now blocked both him and her so I don't see anything else that can hurt me.

Finding out his bond with me was so shallow was horrid, but finding out that he cheated, lied, overlapped and moved on as if I were garbage is beyond hurtful. It was a total shock and felt like I had been punched. It destroys any happy memories I had. Even my birthday and our day out together with our respective kids was a lie.

I'm so low. I've cried myself raw. I feel rejected. worthless, ugly, gullible, and unloveable. I can't get over the fact that someone who said he loved me would have hurt me so deeply and be so insensitive in the aftermath.

I've read a lot now on narcissists and realise I was played... intense early love bombing and idealisation, followed by manipulation and then discard. He never abused me, just lied all the time as to where he was and what he felt. I think back now to how I ignored numerous red flags about how he looked down on others, describing them as limited or telling me how he had manipulated them. Stupid me.. thought he would never do it to me.

I need to let go of the image of the lovely man that I knew..,I don't think he ever existed. I'm left feeling very empty and untrusting. I still miss him, or at least the absence of love in my life. And I need to stop seeking validation from others, and find it in myself. I built my self esteem around the way he complimented me.. and now it is over I feel so low. It's a slow process.. trying not to obsess, compare myself to her. I'm trying to remember that I was someone before we met, am deserving of love and can survive this.

Plenty of days and nights still in tears though. Sometimes as a single mum I feel I will never meet anyone. He left me for a child free single colleague, ten years younger. That hurts too. I know he doesnt want more kids. He said he loved the fact that he was dating a parent.

Sorry for rambling on. I'm in pain right now.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was not invested and perhaps on the rebound then cheating at the end. How did you meet ?

The only silver lining is that you found out after 18 mos and cut your losses. Good you went no contact and blocked him.

I asked him did he still think of me and miss me.. he said "I miss sex with you". I was angry and cut all contact Finding out his bond with me was so shallow was horrid, but finding out that he cheated, lied, overlapped and moved on

We met online. At the time he had recently split from his marriage but they were still living together sharing custody. Turns out that I was the excellent transition woman.. totally disposable once he bought a flat of his own. He used to tell me he couldn't wait till we could spend more time together and I could leave stuff at his flat in the week... turns out that me helping him choose a flat equated to him putting himself back in the dating game..

I cringe now at the love songs I sent him when we were breaking up. How he must have laughed at me.

It also hurts to know that we were still seeing each other in July and he told me his kids adored me, but he took her away on a family holiday with him and his kids in August. It's like I meant nothing to him and an totally replaceable.,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Considering all that transpired, I think you handled it very well.

However this self pity that you are expressing needs to end. Stop looking at his actions as a reflection on you (making you feel ugly, unloveable, replaceable), and more of a reflection of who he is as a person, which is not great to say the least. I can see that you feel this whole relationship was a lie, but it wasn't to you. His callousness and total lack of empathy had nothing to do with you. And quite frankly I feel sorry for this new girl he is with. She has no idea who she is dating. Now that you see him for the a$$hole that he is, you can move on and find someone who will truly love you.

I'm sorry, you could have been Angelina Jolie and you still would have ended up where you are now. Why? Because he wasn't fully free and clear when he started something with you, and I"m betting his ex-wife was left feeling about you, the way you now feel about him with the new woman.

This is a guy who isn't able to be alone, he has to have someone there, and he seems to already be developing a really bad pattern of "monkeybranching" from woman to woman. It's also very likely his cheating is what ended his marriage to begin with.

Rather than feeling down on yourself or like you did something wrong, please please realize that any time you get with someone who is either fresh out of a relationship or still not fully out of one, this will be the normal outcome. Not because of anything you do, but because it's a sign that the other person is pretty screwed up emotionally. And frankly, you don't know why their marriage or relationship was ending, many will lie about that, but more importantly they need time to spend alone to process everything and hopefully learn something from the experience.

Those who don't are usually not the kind of people who will be a good long-term partner and I don't really see that this guy ever was. For all you know, they weren't even getting a divorce until you came along. You only have his word and I bet if you talked to the ex-wife you'd likely get a whole other story out of the deal, although I'm not condoning you go talk to her.

Just realize he's the larger problem, and you just ignored the red flags of him not fully out of one relationship and healed before he was off to cheating. Again. I'm pretty sure that's why his marriage ended even if he would deny it to his last breath, and he was probably cheating on her with you. How they treat their former partners is often how they will treat you.

So right now take the time to heal, enjoy time with your kids, focus on your friends, realize he is the one with serious loyalty and emotional issues. And grieve the end of what you thought the relationship was, but also move forward and force yourself to flip the script from it's your issue and you are the reason to one of "Well, I'm glad to be shed of that guy. Thank heavens I found out about him before I became ex-wife number two!"

In time you will heal and hopefully having learned about this, the next time you go on a date with someone who is "separated" or "gettign a divorce" or even "just ended things" you'll smile, say "Thanks for telling me that" then get up and walk away and never look back. Not because you can't trust them, but because you will have given yourself enough time and space to learn to trust yourself again first. And I would say that's the biggest thing here, learn to trust yourself again first before you even think of dating again.

When we trust ourselves we are less vulnerable to what others do or don't do, because we respect our own boundaries and what we know and what is okay with us. And we're willing to shed people out of our lives if they don't match our own boundaries. And yes, it is really what you want to do. Learn to trust yourself, work out your own boundaries, read up on and study what red flags are and apply the information you use instead of banking on your being the exception to the rule. I've been there, and it will help you be much happier in all of your life choices including that of a partner.

 

At the end of May he casually let me down over an important commitment and I ended the relationship because I realised he had made a conscious choice to avoid being with me. He didn't argue, just watched me leave and just texted "sorry". I asked if there was anyone else and he said no. We made up for a week then split up again.,

 

We continued texting, talking, seeing each other, sleeping together until the end of July, with him blowing hot and cold on what he wanted.

 

Hopefully you see why this was a terrible decision and will learn from it. If you break up with someone, don't keep sleeping with them. Obviously your initial instincts to break up with him were the right one.

Hopefully you see why this was a terrible decision and will learn from it. If you break up with someone, don't keep sleeping with them. Obviously your initial instincts to break up with him were the right one.

I agree. Walking away from someone who isn't invested and doesn't give you the relationship you want is smart. Sticking around to nibble around their edges won't buy you anything but heartbreak.

You clearly saw the guy's limits back in May. Those are not a reflection on you. While it would have been much easier to have gained that clarity back then with a clean break, you can decide to see that now, and stop harming yourself.

We each get to decide whether our experiences will add value and confidence through what they teach us and make us stronger, or whether we will cast ourselves as victimized and damage ourselves. Once choice builds us up and helps us to make better choices going forward, while the other makes us fragile and brittle and makes us live smaller.

It's a decision. Choose wisely.

Dont worry dear!this is a part of a process you are going through.this gets solved soon.time heals everything,just think of what he did bad to you.infact make a list of what all he did bad to you,dont think of any pleasant memories with him , whenever u feel bad just think what he has cheated you and feel that thank god he left you atleast now ,,without knowing he has been cheating you,that would have hurted you more!! i know its tough to go through this time,bt still go on and dont sit alone anywhr move on n force yourself into conversations with frnds,

all the best come out of this soon!

As an anonymous user my full support is thr for you through this thread!wish yu a speedy comeback

I'm sorry, you could have been Angelina Jolie and you still would have ended up where you are now. Why? Because he wasn't fully free and clear when he started something with you, and I"m betting his ex-wife was left feeling about you, the way you now feel about him with the new woman.

 

This is a guy who isn't able to be alone, he has to have someone there, and he seems to already be developing a really bad pattern of "monkeybranching" from woman to woman. It's also very likely his cheating is what ended his marriage to begin with.

 

Rather than feeling down on yourself or like you did something wrong, please please realize that any time you get with someone who is either fresh out of a relationship or still not fully out of one, this will be the normal outcome. Not because of anything you do, but because it's a sign that the other person is pretty screwed up emotionally. And frankly, you don't know why their marriage or relationship was ending, many will lie about that, but more importantly they need time to spend alone to process everything and hopefully learn something from the experience.

 

Those who don't are usually not the kind of people who will be a good long-term partner and I don't really see that this guy ever was. For all you know, they weren't even getting a divorce until you came along. You only have his word and I bet if you talked to the ex-wife you'd likely get a whole other story out of the deal, although I'm not condoning you go talk to her.

 

Just realize he's the larger problem, and you just ignored the red flags of him not fully out of one relationship and healed before he was off to cheating. Again. I'm pretty sure that's why his marriage ended even if he would deny it to his last breath, and he was probably cheating on her with you. How they treat their former partners is often how they will treat you.

 

So right now take the time to heal, enjoy time with your kids, focus on your friends, realize he is the one with serious loyalty and emotional issues. And grieve the end of what you thought the relationship was, but also move forward and force yourself to flip the script from it's your issue and you are the reason to one of "Well, I'm glad to be shed of that guy. Thank heavens I found out about him before I became ex-wife number two!"

 

In time you will heal and hopefully having learned about this, the next time you go on a date with someone who is "separated" or "gettign a divorce" or even "just ended things" you'll smile, say "Thanks for telling me that" then get up and walk away and never look back. Not because you can't trust them, but because you will have given yourself enough time and space to learn to trust yourself again first. And I would say that's the biggest thing here, learn to trust yourself again first before you even think of dating again.

 

When we trust ourselves we are less vulnerable to what others do or don't do, because we respect our own boundaries and what we know and what is okay with us. And we're willing to shed people out of our lives if they don't match our own boundaries. And yes, it is really what you want to do. Learn to trust yourself, work out your own boundaries, read up on and study what red flags are and apply the information you use instead of banking on your being the exception to the rule. I've been there, and it will help you be much happier in all of your life choices including that of a partner.

Great advice and 100% true.

Have you ever thought about talking to him about how much his mother does for both of you, and she needs to be thanked for that. And then you tell your boyfriend, "Let's do the laundry together for her," or "Let's surprise her with a meal that we make for her and us," and then you engage him in helping with that?

You can start out small and subtle, but make sure he contributes to so it's not just now you switching from mom doing everything to you. I would try that tactic first, and see where it gets you.

With more information I am now of the mind that the mom isn't really overbearing or causing this on purpose. It's just become a pattern of behaviors they both accept. So maybe it's time to take small steps to break the behaviors by reinforcing with positive actions and words?

And yes, I fully agree that renting. Plus be very open and communicate fully what chores each of you will do and enforce he does those things. Do not let him slide on that or use the "I'm tired, because of work" and calmly explain to him you are as well, but house chores such as cooking and cleaning still need to get done. And you will not be the only one doing them.

I still stand on the point of not buying property until there's a ring on your finger or a very good contract in place on what happens if one of you wants to leave, either by choice or just through life circumstances really. And that's just because it's legal common sense. I'm married and my husband and I have prenups and contracts in place detailing everything that happens to our property and possessions and the people we're taking care of ranging from we divorce to one of us dies unexpectedly to some distant relative pops up on the horizon and comes after us for everything and more.