Learn to be myself in my marriage

Hi all - I'm looking for new tools / perspectives to keep my marriage (12 years) alive.

My wife is fairly dominant and outspoken and has the need to vocalise all her thoughts and emotions. I internalise more and don't have the same need to share. It's come to the point where I withdraw largely during discussions and exchanges and look at ways to 'manage' her rather than a loving, accepting relationship. Often I feel as if it's 90% her and 10% me. This causes conflict to the extent that I'm thinking of leaving her so that I can be myself. We have very different approaches to life - I feel that we could complement each other (I'm analytical, she is not, so we could collaborate if each were given enough room) - but often it feels more like a power struggle.

To illustrate, a thought that frequently crosses my mind: When our son is old enough, I will leave so that I can finally be who I really am.

Clearly not a constructive thought but I think it explains quite well what is going through my head.

So: I'm looking for ways to be able to be myself in this relationship, with the goal of building a stronger marriage that can thrive, where each partner is happy being themselves and feels supported. Too much to ask?

We have a young boy + I've grown up with difficult emotional issues + self-harm, so don't fully trust myself around relationships. My instinct is generally to leave but I would prefer to learn how to make this work, as the same issues will likely haunt me in future relationships. I think in the past I largely enabled my wife to be the dominant person, especially as she was in more need of support and the roles have stuck. Perhaps I'm overthinking it, but there you go...

Ok, let rip, all suggestions appreciated.

Consider whether you seek her approval

Learn to reframe conversations as an exchange of opposing perspectives that coexist

When making decisions picture both of you on one side and the challenge on the other side. Don't let the challenge divide you. Rather, find solutions that respect both perspectives.

Accept yourself.

If your marriage started with you wearing the pants, and as you say, you gave them up, it's time to tell her you want a leg back.

Perception is everything. When you perceive your partner as "dominant" and I put it in quotes because we don't know if your perception is accurate or not, you are setting up yourself to view your relationship as a power struggle and an unhealthy dynamic of me v. her, rather than us. From there stems everything else.

In addition, every relationship is a dynamic of actions and reactions by two people. So, given your background, you are 100% correct that you need to work on yourself first because this relationship or another relationship, you will take your problems with you and just introduce them to the new relationships, thus keep winding up in the same situation in the long run. So, first solution is find a really good therapist who specializes in cbt specifically and work hard with them on changing your perceptions and thought patterns. Understand that it will be hard work to change what is deeply ingrained.

Once you fix yourself, you will either see your marriage differently and it will in a way fix itself as with the new you, a new dynamic develops or you might need to work together to tweak some things between you and again, lean on marital counseling for help. Look at it as having an experienced coach helping you two work as a team.

If your marriage started with you wearing the pants, and as you say, you gave them up, it's time to tell her you want a leg back.

She likely misses having a peer. Anyway, it isn't up to her. People who lead earn it by taking responsibility. Extroverts and introverts both have power potential.

If i were her and he told me this i would say Well, fine! Man up then!

Thinking of your power in relation to your wife sets up a framework that divides you, and that makes your power relational to hers. She has all the power, if you see yourself in comparison to her. That is not fair to either one of you.

Instead, recognize your power is within you. Become more effective with your time and energy. Have an impact on your lives. Fix something. Make something easier. Cook on Sunday so you have meals through Wednesday. Finally make that closet door work properly. Call friends to arrange tentative plans then check with your respective spouses to confirm.

For your own understanding, please read:

Myers Briggs Personality Types

CoDependent relationships

Your initiative tells me you can make this work, because you have written to talk about and change yourself. Get to it.

Wow sorry to hear that. Marriage therapy may help with communication and getting out of passive and overbearing roles.

It sounds like you are introverted and retreat from unnecessary conflict which in turn makes her pick and pry and squeeze emotion out of you. Very irritating for both parties, right?

As far as her talking, all you can do is listen. However also step up and make yourself heard in a concise diplomatic way. Feeling miserable ans stewing about planning your escape unfortunately is no way to live.

Do you argue about sex or money or in-laws or child rearing or household responsibilities? Or are the fights about your personalities?

My wife is fairly dominant and outspoken and has the need to vocalise all her thoughts and emotions. This causes conflict to the extent that I'm thinking of leaving her so that I can be myself. I'm looking for ways to be able to be myself in this relationship, with the goal of building a stronger marriage that can thrive, where each partner is happy being themselves and feels supported. I think in the past I largely enabled my wife to be the dominant person, especially as she was in more need of support

Just a quick note (I'm the OP) to say thank you. I'm going to need a bit of time to digest a lot of this information + will reply properly then. It's been really good to hear other perspectives on this as well!