I am broken, but I can't even be. Survival pushes me not to be. So I have to keep nourishing the dopamine, otherwise..it would be the opposite, and I just couldn't be here. It's like an almost frantic need to keep surviving and moving..because the alternative of a collapse, I just couldn't survive that, really and truly.

You have no idea what I am up against within..or maybe you do. You might. Its a private thing, not something most people want to hear about, or if they do, sometimes it ends up violating an emotional barrier to share it, because of the need for privacy.

Anyway, there's so much in here, I am afraid to touch it..for fear of collapse. It really is about a loneliness that has yet to be solved. I haven't found the right romantic relationship to help that without harming me in the process.

I really do want to survive. I don't want to collapse from all the stuff inside that's an undertoad. It's like I literally can't afford it and I'm also bored of it. That "this again?" feeling is so intolerable at this point. BEYOND intolerable.

I'd rather make a cup of cocoa, take my dopamine nourishing supplements, and dance around the grand canyon of what is a black hole within. Which is what I feel like I am doing. I can't go there too near that hole. But in it lies trust that has been broken so many times and a hope that has been crushed just as much. I know that if I give myself some months to just meditate on trust and hope, to nourish that again in myself, I'll be able to throw out the line again at some point and open myself to someone new. But NOT NOW. That is such a ways off for me. Which presents quite a problem, because its pretty impossible for me to be alone. I collapse. I need to be able to not do that.

I was with a man for five years who I still love and am attracted to, and we will remain friends,but he just pulled the rug out from under me so many times, I just had enough last summer. He still wants to be involved like we were, and I cannot, although I love him very much. I fell in love with another man last summer who had been a friend. No cheating involved. I feel guilt and self loathing so easily if I don't live with integrity, so I let my man friend of five years that I wanted to explore a relationship with a different man.

Well, I got that much out. My brain is tired. Time for some cocoa and a rest.