Being Wealthy...

I hope that it's not a problem that I'm just going to jump in here (I just finished activating my acct.). I know some forums prefer you to write some replies before posting a thread yourself, but I didn't come here to give advice, actually I came seeking it. I'm feeling really low tonight and would like others' opinions on whether my grievances are justifiable or not.

I'm currently 23 years old, male, from the United States.

I grew up in a great family, as an only child but with a loving mom and dad who raised me well (at least according to those who talk to me). Growing up, I had three major concerns: my parents dying, my parents getting divorced and our house burning down!

As a child I was skeptical about almost everything I heard, always comparing and contrasting facts, experiences, etc. Long story short, one of the biggest "fallacies" I laughed about as a teen was this idea that being wealthy was some sort of terrible chore (or stressor). I thought, "you idiots, the opposite is true, it's a terrible chore to be poor, not rich!" I couldn't fathom what it would be like to not even be able to afford the necessities of life.

I had the good fortune of being born into a financially successful family (fifth generation family business). We are certainly no Gates or Buffett family, but by comparison to where we live, I know we appear that way. While we are relatively modest, we have a nice home, nice cars, a vacation home, boats, etc. My parents and grandparents put a big emphasis on charitable giving, and as much as things are done discreetly, word spreads around...

If I weren't in such an emotionally dark place right now I could probably laugh about my earlier opinion that having money is not stressful. It is a terrible burden that you simply can't understand until you are actually in the thick of it. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong about something, and this I was quite wrong about.

While I couldn't begin to explain the intricacies of the thoughts and feelings I experience on a daily basis, I will try to lay out the basic ideas:

1. "Poor" extended family (mom's side) always asking for "help." We want to help, but where to draw the line (with alcohol purchase, for instance).

2. Many are envious of our financial success and treat us poorly out of that jealousy (I've been stereotyped as everything under the sun).

3. It is unbelievably awkward in front of working class friends who want to talk about their financial struggles - but I want to listen as a friend.

4. I want to give it all away (guilt), but feel a responsibility to my family, who have worked so hard to cultivate a successful business / I enjoy the financial freedom.

5. The future: Do I want a family and how will said family be impacted by my wealth (pre-nup? kids bullied like I was, etc.).

6. As older family members pass away, wealth grows = guilt grows (?).

7. Guilt because virtually all money is inherited at this point... I haven't worked a day in my life.

One of my mom's friends (who is at least somewhat aware of my feelings) suggested that I come down to the grocery store where she works and take a job as a shelf-stocker to get my mind off of things for a while (maybe meet a girlfriend). Well in the process of seriously contemplating the offer, the local grocery store announced that it is closing (who does that right at the holidays?). Luckily, my mom's friend Deb has found work in the local high school cafeteria.

Seeing the wide-spread inequality around the world and right here in the US makes me wonder if running a business is a just thing to do. A big part of me says yes, and a big part of me says no.

But the biggest grief on my mind at the moment: Is my concern about all of this really justified? On the one hand, I really feel like it is, but on the other hand, I feel like I should count my blessings, F the world and go out and have some fun. BTW, I'm a very private person, so this feels pretty weird laying it all out like this. but any opinions would be appreciated, I'm okay with criticisms too, don't feel like you need to hold back. ~ Doug

It sounds like you're just trying to figure out your place in the world you were born into. I think a lot of people would say you're crazy to think wealth is a burden, but even though I'm not wealthy I can see where you're coming from and I empathize with you. Everyone has "money stuff" to figure out. It's funny (in a sad way) how little wallet-sized pictures of presidents can make us so crazy!

As you work through this stuff, keep a few things in mind:

1) It's not how much money you have -- it's what you DO with it that defines you.

2) Money is amoral -- it's just a tool. We're the ones who decide if we'll use it for good or evil.

3) I would avoid extremes -- hoarding it all or giving it all away. Your family's company is a cash-generating machine, and you'll do more good in the long run by keeping the company going and donating the excess money to charity vs. shutting down the company or refusing your inheritance.

4) It's okay to feel the way you feel. Not a lot of people can understand where you are coming from, perhaps, but I think it's cool that you're really wanting to figure out for yourself what money means to you.

5) Poor or rich, we all face challenges. Let yours make you better.

Thank you Gebaird, I really appreciate the positive advice. ~ Doug

It's very important to not think or act like a nouveau riche snob. Class is how you treat other people, compassion and deportment, not cars, vacations and dad's cash.

So true Wiseman. I know of some people who could probably be placed in that "nouveau riche" category. In fact, back in high school, one of my peers (the son a of successful lawyer) really enjoyed ripping on me for my choice not to attend college. He'd already been accepted to a really nice university and seemed to take pleasure in letting me know that I wasn't intelligent enough to get into the same school (though in actuality I have an inkling that my GPA and extracurricular activities list would have fared me well in admission to many nice colleges).

That kind of "elitist" behavior is indeed a turnoff to many people. But what still befuddles me to this day is how when I was in high school, these faux preppies got all the friends, dates, awards, recognition, etc. while all of us nice kids who would actually treat each other with kindness and respect were largely ignored or dismissed. So sad... Doug

I'm from a wealthy family and I raised my eye when you said "I haven't worked a day in my life". Uhm, wow. Tbh, I could probably get away with not working a day in my life from a financial standpoint - but my parents have strong work ethics, they would never let me, nor would I want to!

I went to a good college and ended up coming back home (well, home as in my home city, I moved out on my own!), taking a not-well-paid job in the healthcare field to get more experience, and now I'm planning to go back to school in an accelerated program so I can further my healthcare goals. I should make good money in my area - NOT a ton, but enough that I could save up a lot and live a pretty decent life by myself and maybe a partner (but no kids, never cared for them).

Right now, I am very financially frugal and yes, my money is tight. I make $12/hr and live with $800 rent and I ask for NO money. I've had car trouble and then ate beans and peanut butter for a week. I COULD ask my parents for money, but I don't, I want to do this on my own, I want to struggle a little, I want to learn these skills. My father was a "rags to riches" classic story. He grew up poor and hit it big later in life. I find that trait attractive so most of my boyfriends were poor or are doing okay but have a poor background. I never could date the "rich boys" that I went to private school and college with because I found them to be lacking.

It sounds like your wealth makes it feel like there is a big barrier between you and others when really, there doesn't have to be. Why do so many people know of your wealth? Most people in certain fields know of my family/family name but it's nothing that I like to flaunt around. You don't have to bring it up. You don't have to hide it from others or feel bad over it (it's not a bad thing!) but it doesn't have to be the centerpiece of what makes you, well, you.

I have to wonder if your guilt also stems from not really having anything to work towards, or goals, or a purpose in your life. You're 23 and you've never worked a day in your life AND you didn't go to college? All I can say is, I don't envy your position. I am a very different person, a better person, than the fresh 18 year old who hadn't worked or gone to college yet. I've learned so much and I feel more confident in myself and my ability to thrive and provide.

I'm not saying that everyone must have a job, but I do believe that everyone must have a purpose, something that fulfills them, that gives them some meaning in their life. I know many people who don't work (many poor, some well-off) but still devote time to passions, hobbies, and volunteerism and they are happy because of it. It's part of the human condition. You seem to be missing that in your life.

I wonder how you'd feel if you took some time to really understand your own passions and devoted yourself to them. I'm thinking the guilt would be lessened.

doug, since you are socially conscious, this is easier.

you needn't donate away the family's hard earned money to alleviate the guilt you feel for being fortunate. dumping it all even on the noblest of causes isn't nearly as good a contribution socially as adopting certain tropoethics and making it a habit to behave like a socially conscious person daily. i don't just mean being involved with good causes (although why not volunteer somewhere for example?), but being socially conscious in all your interactions with people. supporting and empowering them and generally following the stance that "equal treatment" or empowerment starts with "me".

choosing to not enable a harmful habit with your wealth is certainly wise, and i would not be guilt tripped into choosing otherwise.

inherited wealth does not make you bad. having a better start at life does not make you bad. really find a purpose you can sincerely devote yourself to, that way the fact that you have all these dynastic resources at hand to use will feel like honoring the inheritance, rather than simply "living off it".

i would see an expert. a career or finance advisor, someone to explore the possible causes worthy of your investment, financial and otherwise.

i haven't noticed your field of study. whatever it is, are you passionate about it, do you feel it gives you chances to make a worthy contribution?

Fudgie and RainyCoast, thanks for the responses and suggestions.

I didn't want to go on forever in my original post, so I will include a few things about my interests, as per your queries. Up to this point, my interests have been rather self-serving. I have a passion for woodworking and enjoy making little gifts for friends and family when I've got the time (I'm far from a true craftsman - I've apprenticed with one who's a master), but most of my shop effort is going into the construction of a homebuilt airplane (a Corby Starlet).

I was exceptionally close with my grandma on my mom's side (a widow from the time I was born - never knew my grandpa on that side). We have several dogs in our family and all through my teens, my grandma suggested that I take our most people-friendly pup, Oreo, into the local old folks homes to visit with the residents. I would baulk at the idea every time she would mention it, but always kept it in the back of my head. Well a couple of years back she passed away (after a tough last few months) and it was very difficult for me. She'd been one of my closest friends growing up and was always there for me when I needed support, so her death hit me very hard. After a couple of months though, I started to think of ways I could honor my dear grandma and came to the conclusion that visiting our local convalescent homes with Oreo was actually a pretty good idea. The last 18 months or so have been wonderful, just making our rounds about once a month. Many of the residents don't even remember us from visit to visit, but almost every one of them lights up like a bulb when we come into their rooms. It's a great feeling that reminds me so much of my grandma's desire to spread happiness.

So I feel that I actually do lead a fairly fulfilling life as it is (with plenty of room for improvement of course, especially with my own health [couch potato, lol] and with relationships, no doubt). I guess the real dilemma I face is that of true employment. When I said that I've never worked a day in my life, I was referring to outside of the family business (which I guess I should have specified, but I count that as one-in-the-same with the family wealth - it's like paying yourself from your bank account to your bank account!). I've never gone to school for a vocation or sought a degree to pursue a career of my own. One of my biggest fears in doing so is that of obligation (or commitment). I really enjoy having a flexible schedule and the money to do what I please... But I'm concerned that this might actually hurt me in the end. Perhaps what I lack is discipline...? ~ Doug

well if your life is fulfilling and you enjoy your interests, there's no need for guilt simply because you're not adopting cambodian children. a life loved, enjoyed, appreciated is well-lived. be harmless and kind in your everyday life and there's no reason why you shouldn't calmly enjoy your leisurly lifestyle.

employment is good because of yes, the habit of self-discipline and the sense of self-reliance and skills and the pride from contributing to a common goal. however, if you work at the family business, i would expect that you already have some responsibility and skill put to use. building a plane too requires quite the patience, creativity and attention to detail, which are all career enhancing qualities. perhaps you don't feel like you "work" because the family business isn't a goal of your choice. if there is a creative aspect to the business, perhaps you'd want to ask to be involved with that to learn the tricks and perhaps it'd be something that would feel more "yours". advertising, p.r., customer relations, logistics, maybe there's a side to the business that hasn't been put to it's full potential and that you'd feel more fulfilled at, so the commitment would come more naturally.

if you really appreciate your current schedule, why not leave it that way? working in a well-established business isn't "not working" and plenty of sucessfull businessmen worked with their family. enjoy the schedule, enjoy the material security and be grateful. honestly, i don't know if i'd have the ballz to work for successful parents. i'd constantly fear scre*ing up their carefully created success. so there's definitely responsibility required, maybe you've just grown with it so it's less obvious to you.

if your guilt stems from lack of discipline, get one of those tyrannical personal trainers who wants you about and sweating at 4 am! i'm not even joking.

I think my guilt stems from observing the tremendous wealth disparity that is abundantly obvious in the current age. It makes me feel very sad (for myself, believe it or not) to see everyone around me suffering. I try to appreciate what I have, but eventually you build up an "immunity" to the appreciation med.

Even if our family gave everything away, we could only lift so many people out of poverty before our money would be gone and there would still be millions of poor people (in our country alone). So... it's a difficult situation.

Thanks for your reflections RainyCoast. A tyrannical personal trainer may not help me, but sure couldn't hurt either! No doubt that would help me with my discipline issue. ~ Doug

Life is full of suffering. I consider myself lucky for being born into a better situation. I do not feel guilty over that. It's not your fault that you were born into more than other people. The key is what you do with it. I don't think just mindlessly giving away money is the right idea. Smart philanthropy is always an option. You can also concentrate your own efforts and talents into helping others.

Overall though, you do need to come to acceptance someday that life is full of suffering and the vast majority of it is out of your control. You will never end it. Even Bill Gates, the richest man, can't end it, even though he donates so much. The most you can do is maybe make life easier or more enjoyable for some people and how you do that is up to you.

Thanks Fudgie, you are right in that there will probably always be some kind of suffering in the world. I suppose if we can all just do "our part" (i.e. what we are able) to help out our neighbor, it is enough to keep the world spinning. ~ Douglas

Hey Doug, I have heard that before, that being rich can be quite of a burden. You never know who is your real friend, and who is it because he/she thinks you are rich. I don't think you should make any quick judgements and give it away. I also don't think you should feel guilty. Just keep in mind, even if people tell you otherwise, almost nobody would give everything away, if they would be in your situation. Actually most people would show-off with pricey stuff.

I think that you are on the right track, you want to help others and are aware of the injustices in the world. Maybe what you should do is to try to get active and do something so that the world changes. This does not require you to give everything away, but you could use some funds and contacts you might have to support/spread ideas/movements. For example the idea of a basic income, that I'm a huge fan of. Don't worry too much and don't try to please everybody, that will never be possible, no matter if you are rich or poor.

It sounds like you have a good heart....which regardless of your social status, IS an important quality.

Having compassion and empathy for those less fortunate will go a long way.

I come from a working class blue collar family. We didn't have a whole lot growing up. I wore second hand clothes. My mom never drove a new car. You know what though? I wasn't suffering, because in my eyes, I had what I needed. It's all I knew, so I never worried about losing anything. As I grew up and saw how my friends lived, sometimes I would feel envious and wonder why we didn't have 'nicer' things. It didn't matter because as a child you have zero control over your lifestyle. I decided that once I was able to make my own way, that I wouldn't want to struggle or just 'get by'. So I learned to work hard, and focus on things I wanted.

I think wealth is a very relative thing. I feel rich because Im happy, healthy. I have a job I enjoy..( Hair stylist and makeup). No, my lifestyle isn't lavish but that's ok.

I think you just sound bored and need something to feel passionate about. Volunteer work is definetely a good way to go.

Especially if you have the time to invest. Starting a charity for something meaningful like in your grandmothers name .

Not a lot of people will empathize with your issue....sorry to say. Lol...but I hope tis helps and I Wish you the best.

Doug, I'm new to this forum and read what you wrote. What matters is not your THOUGHTS about other people, poor, etc. but your PASSION(S). I imagine from what you have described that your family has somehow isolated you such that you haven't had the sort of developmental milestones that lead to increasing feelings of self-worth and power in your choices in doing and being in the world. I bet what anyone says in reply to your post won't make a big difference in your life. There is a malaise or something which is preventing you from feeling empowered in life. You yourself said perhaps you lack discipline (couch potato). Make something of your life, travel to new places, meet new people, and definitely, I would NOT mention the money issue since people just judge around it. There was an interesting article in Psychology Today last month where an author wrote about circumstances similar to yours, it opened my mind to the mental burden wealth can have. Thoughts really are a waste of time. I'd use the 7 habits of highly effective people calendar to set goals for yourself week by week. That was how I wrote my first book.

Seeing the wide-spread inequality around the world and right here in the US makes me wonder if running a business is a just thing to do. A big part of me says yes, and a big part of me says no.

Running a business isn't an inherently unjust thing to do. On the contrary, if you're able to provide jobs to those who need it or you produce something that benefits society, then that's a good thing. There's no reason why businesses have to pay employees a pittance, wreck havoc on the environment, or equate profits and success.