Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue

Girlfriend says she is going to watch a movie then go to dinner with her family, which I'm cool with. Fast forward a little later into the night she texts me saying she was at a bar and she was dancing. The dancing part made me a little uncomfortable so I asked her to explain further, but she kept saying she danced there is nothing more to it. So then I said okay I want to discuss this tomorrow or when you come home and she went crazy basically saying she can do what she wants, she can live her life etc. Which all I wanted to do was discuss this and how this made me uncomfortable but she goes totally off course saying she can't be with someone so restrictive that thinks dancing at a bar is wrong. So I don't know what to do and I would be glad to receive tips on how to proceed

Whether or not my assertion about dancing being appropriate or not is irrelevant because got so mad for no reason because all I wanted to do was discuss this together and our boundaries for this kind of stuff. Key additional note her ex was very controlling and abusive so I do give her some leeway in terms of speaking out against control, but what I did here was not even remotely tied to that.

First off - you were discussing it. There is no need to schedule one. She told you what she did, you responded. It does not require you to call a meeting, sit down at a table and have a "talk". She did not "fly off the handle for no reason". She told you what she did (she was upfront, nothing to hide) and you implied that you didn't trust her by wanting to know all the details. What did you want to achieve? Did you want her to tell her she danced with her sister? That she danced in a group and report back about each song? That she "there were guys there, but I didn't touch anyone". If she was out with her family, I doubt she was slow dancing with some guy there.

Discussing boundaries should be something at the beginning of th e relationship, not something where you throw on someone every step of the way to attempt to control them or pick a fight. You could have said "Sounds like you had a good time. Did they play decent music? Did you run into X(name of friend who lives around there). We'll have to go sometime" And would have gotten her to open up about it rather than interrogating someone.

What is it you need to discuss, exactly?

She went to a bar. She danced. Why are you uncomfortable, and what other questions do you have that necessitate a discussion?

To answer both your question, I want a discussion because she screamed at me about how she can do what she wants, all because I asked a simple question. That's a very toxic behavior for a relationship. I don't think she should have handled this like that and I would rather have a calm discussion before she does her thing of going silent to sulk and such. She shuts down whenever I ask a simple question and always talks about what she can do, her actions affect other people though

First off - you were discussing it. There is no need to schedule one. She told you what she did, you responded. It does not require you to call a meeting, sit down at a table and have a "talk". She did not "fly off the handle for no reason". She told you what she did (she was upfront, nothing to hide) and you implied that you didn't trust her by wanting to know all the details. What did you want to achieve? Did you want her to tell her she danced with her sister? That she danced in a group and report back about each song? That she "there were guys there, but I didn't touch anyone". If she was out with her family, I doubt she was slow dancing with some guy there.

 

Discussing boundaries should be something at the beginning of th e relationship, not something where you throw on someone every step of the way to attempt to control them or pick a fight. You could have said "Sounds like you had a good time. Did they play decent music? Did you run into X(name of friend who lives around there). We'll have to go sometime" And would have gotten her to open up about it rather than interrogating someone.

Interrogating? lol where did you come up with that?

To answer both your question, I want a discussion because she screamed at me about how she can do what she wants, all because I asked a simple question. That's a very toxic behavior for a relationship. I don't think she should have handled this like that and I would rather have a calm discussion before she does her thing of going silent to sulk and such. She shuts down whenever I ask a simple question and always talks about what she can do, her actions affect other people though

You said yourself her last relationship was very controlling. She might not be ready to be in a relationship. Personally I would be deeply annoyed if I needed to sit down and talk about rules my partner had about me spending time how I wanted to when he wasn't around. I imagine it's actually frightening for someone who is just figuring out autonomy after being controlled through a romantic relationship.

The fact that she screamed at you is a sign of her not regulating her emotions well.

Honestly? It doesn't sound like she has recovered enough form her past relationship to be able to deal with your needs.

To answer both your question, I want a discussion because she screamed at me about how she can do what she wants, all because I asked a simple question. That's a very toxic behavior for a relationship. I don't think she should have handled this like that and I would rather have a calm discussion before she does her thing of going silent to sulk and such. She shuts down whenever I ask a simple question and always talks about what she can do, her actions affect other people though

I wouldn't have time for her arguments and her "justifications" for her actions. The simple truth is, she had a controlling ex before, but now she does not. But she's acting like a douche-bag. Is this the type of behavior you want to put up with?

Agree with abitbroken and Miss Canuck, not getting what needed to be *discussed*.

She went dancing, big whoop!

Your so-called discomfort with and need to discuss sounds controlling, and suggests you don't trust her.

Like in your eyes, she did something *wrong*. Had you trusted her, a typical response would have been somethimg like "cool, sounds fun."

NOT, "okay we will discuss this tomorrow," again suggesting she did something wrong or that you don't approve of.

My guess is this wasn't the first time she has felt you didn't trust her, it had been building and she finally snapped. Hence her negative reaction and "flying off the handle."

The boundary issue should be discussed when you are both in a good frame of mind, not in response to something you perceive she did wrong.

Just out of curiosity though, what exactly is your issue with going dancing? Do you somehow believe it leads to cheating? Or something that shouldn't be done when in a relationship?

Cause frankly I am not quite getting why it needs to be discussed at all.

She was out, she had fun, you should be happy about that. Not feel threatened by it.

Try seeing it from her perspective, not just your own.

OP, you said that when she told you she went dancing, you asked her to "explain further." What is it you wanted to know?

I imagine she got the sense you don't trust her. Do you?

i'm dying to hear the transcript of how a "discussion on dancing" goes.

agree, there was build-up.

Agree with abitbroken and Miss Canuck, not getting what needed to be *discussed*.

 

She went dancing, big whoop!

 

Your so-called discomfort with and need to discuss sounds controlling, and suggests you don't trust her.

 

Like in your eyes, she did something *wrong*. Had you trusted her, a typical response would have been somethimg like "cool, sounds fun."

 

NOT, "okay we will discuss this tomorrow," again suggesting she did something wrong or that you don't approve of.

 

My guess is this wasn't the first time she has felt you didn't trust her, it had been building and she finally snapped. Hence her negative reaction and "flying off the handle."

 

The boundary issue should be discussed when you are both in a good frame of mind, not in response to something you perceive she did wrong.

 

Just out of curiosity though, what exactly is your issue with going dancing? Do you somehow believe it leads to cheating? Or something that shouldn't be done when in a relationship?

 

Cause frankly I am not quite getting why it needs to be discussed at all.

 

She had fun, you should be happy about that. Not threatened by it.

If wanting to discuss an issue that came up makes me controlling, I don't know what's normal, this is just laughable. I do trust her, this has nothing to do with trust all, it has to do with what we both consider to something we are okay with in a relationship. It has nothing to do with leading to cheating or anything of the sorts, it has to do with respect. Again it needs to be discussed because of her violent reaction to my question

it has to do with what we both consider to something we are okay with in a relationship.

fella if you've got a problem with dancing you need to let them know before they agree to be in a relationship with you.

Well I didn't really predict talking about dancing in a bar when we had a boundary discussion, issues are discussed as they come up as well as before a relationship

If wanting to discuss an issue that came up makes me controlling, I don't know what's normal, this is just laughable. I do trust her, this has nothing to do with trust all, it has to do with what we both consider to something we are okay with in a relationship. It has nothing to do with leading to cheating or anything of the sorts, it has to do with respect. Again it needs to be discussed because of her violent reaction to my question

Okay but you didn't answer my question ... why you are not okay with it? Do you believe it leads to cheating? Or something that shouldn't be done when in a relationship?

She was out with friends and danced, again big whoop, it's not like she went up to some guy's apartment for a drink.

No of course wanting to discuss something doesn't make you controlling, but the fact you want to discuss *this* -- something as innocent as being out with friends and danced to some cool music- suggests you don't trust her -- in her eyes.

If you cannot understand that, and see how this suggests "she" may feel you are attempting to control her or don't trust her, then dude you've got bigger problems than her dancing to some cool music while out with friends or family.

Good luck with that...

If wanting to discuss an issue that came up makes me controlling, I don't know what's normal, this is just laughable. I do trust her, this has nothing to do with trust all, it has to do with what we both consider to something we are okay with in a relationship. It has nothing to do with leading to cheating or anything of the sorts, it has to do with respect. Again it needs to be discussed because of her violent reaction to my question

On the face of it, this sounds totally reasonable, of course issues should be discussed.

However what I don't get is, why was it an issue to begin with? She went dancing with friends, instead of just saying "great, hope you had fun", you said you felt uncomfortable and asked her to explain herself. This is where it becomes controlling and conveys your lack of trust for her. It's not "just a simple question". It's a question with implied meanings. Everything we say have meanings, not just "simple words".

So what did you think she would've done when she was out dancing? Because if you trust her and if it was all innocent in your mind, there's really no reason to feel uncomfortable or ask the question at all, is there?

I don't have enough information about why she reacted so negatively and strongly, however if you had questioned about her behaviour in the past and made her feel like you don't trust her or feel like she regularly has to explain to you whatever she does that makes you feel "uncomfortable", I can see why resentment might have built up and why she reacted strongly (albeit there are better ways of dealing with it instead of screaming at you).

Well I didn't really predict talking about dancing in a bar when we had a boundary discussion, issues are discussed as they come up as well as before a relationship

Her reaction aside... what was the conversation you needed to have with her? What was the issue of respect?

the thing is...

she dances.

she's a jiggly-wiggly dance addict.

she will just continue to lie about what she's doing...when she's really DANCING.

she'll just come up with better and better ways of hiding it.

you don't need that groove in your life.

DUMP HER FRADULENT A$$!

whats wrong with dancing at the bar?

whats wrong with dancing at the bar?

shut up groovy

she kept saying she danced there is nothing more to it. So then I said okay I want to discuss this tomorrow or when you come home.

So..she repeatedly tell you she just danced and there's nothing more to it, to me she has given you enough of a response regarding the dancing, and yet you wanted to discuss this some more. I don't get it. If this is not controlling I don't know what is. She doesn't have to report to you what she does with her life as long as it's not physical or emotional cheating or flirting with others or anything like that.

Now you're turning it around and focussing solely on her reaction and neglecting to dig deeper at why you felt the need to ask the question about dancing or to discuss it in the first place. You're saying her reaction is what you wanted to discuss, but it wasn't in the first place was it, it was the dancing.

To be honest, if I had been in a controlling relationship before, which I haven't, but if I did, I would react quite strongly to this as well as I can imagine the emotional reaction this line of questioning might illicit. But since I haven't, I would've calmly told you it's none of your business if I went dancing, and if you can't trust me not to do anything inappropriate, then we shouldn't be dating.

Her reaction aside... what was the conversation you needed to have with her? What was the issue of respect?

Well respect has to do with her reaction, and her reaction is the main point of this thread. Anyways I wanted to tell her how it made me feel uncomfortable and through talking about it we could come to some sort of conclusion on this topic. I don't feel it is appropriate while in a relationship but she obviously has a different view, I was thinking we could talk and come up with something explaining both sides in a calm manner not an aggressive yelling one

the thing is...

 

she dances.

 

she's a jiggly-wiggly dance addict.

 

she will just continue to lie about what she's doing...when she's really DANCING.

 

she'll just come up with better and better ways of hiding it.

 

you don't need that groove in your life.

 

DUMP HER FRADULENT A$$!

LOL, this whole situation is laughable really.

Can you imagine being out with friends, having a great time, hangng loose, a cool song starts playing, your friends get up to dance but you don't because your boyfriend has an issue with it, and feels uncomfortable?

"Sorry guys, I can't, my boyfriend doesn't like it.. he's "uncomfortable" with it."

Laughable really, it's dancing for heaven's sake!

LOL, this whole situation is laughable really.

 

Can you imagine being out with friends, having a great time, hangng loose, a cool song starts playing, your friends get up to dance but you don't because your boyfriend has an issue with it, and feels uncomfortable?

 

"Sorry guys, I can't, my boyfriend doesn't like it.. he's "uncomfortable" with it."

 

Laughable really, it's dancing for heaven's sake!

Regardless of how ridiculous it seems to you, in a relationship if one party is uncomfortable with something, the two should talk it out not verbally denigrate the other person.

LOL, this whole situation is laughable really.

 

Can you imagine being out with friends, having a great time, hangng loose, a cool song starts playing, your friends get up to dance but you don't because your boyfriend has an issue with it, and feels uncomfortable?

 

"Sorry guys, I can't, my boyfriend doesn't like it.. he's "uncomfortable" with it."

 

Laughable really, it's dancing for heaven's sake!

i like his "no contract" contract. issues about boundaries are dicussed as they pop up. like today i'll decide something you're doing is off limits. like, woman, you went DANCING.

Okay so you wanted to achieve something through a calm discussion, understood. but WHAT exactly did you hope to achieve in regards to her....dancing?

What makes you uncomfortable about dancing, OP?

I mean that as a sincere question. This is important, as you will need to address this when you and your girlfriend do talk again. If you are going to draw a boundary, you need to be able to explain why you're doing so. You say it's about respect but you haven't given many specifics. Are you worried she is dancing with other men?

Also, have such issues come up before? Is screaming out of the ordinary for her?