Wanting to let go

I have been trying to work through the issues I have had with my husband and his relationships with his co-workers I have written some before about his past behavior that I felt was very inappropriate. He has a history of cheating with co-workers in his first marriage and was sleeping with a supposed lesbian co-worker when we started seeing each other. I look back and I see so many things that should have made me run screaming. I love him for what I can't see right now. I want so badly to be happy again. I have found that when we don't have some huge thing we are trying to accomplish that we don't seem to be able to be happy. I am tired of wondering what he is really thinking about. I am tired of being hurt by the things that I can't control. I have started working with a therapist to help me move forward but it is hard for me to find the time. I just don't understand why I am so insecure. Have I let him disrespect me to the point I don't respect myself anymore? I grew up with a verbally abusive mother who always told me I was just a and a I thought that the years of working so hard to get out from under that had made me strong. How did I get into a relationship with someone who hasn't treated me with the respect I deserve. I am so much better than being so insecure. I pulled myself up every time I have been knocked down and built a business and built a real life and even tried to forgive my mother. So what the crap is wrong that I can't get past the things my husband has done or find a way out. I thrive on forward motion this feeling of being stuck in the same emotions is making me crazy. I have wanted to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas. I have always been a fighter and it makes me angry to feel so weak. Which makes me feel trapped inside my head. I write all the time about how I feel. I don't want to ride my husband every time I think of something that he did. He is trying to be better but I find I am uncomfortable with him trying so hard. I don't feel like he's doing things because he wants to. It obviously is not easy for him. I feel like he is just waiting on me to say OK you have made it all up to me. I don't think he can make up for the past anymore than I can forget about it. I am trying to give it time but am really struggling with putting on a happy face. I just don't know if I can forgive him or myself for putting up with it. I need some advice on how to hold on long enough to let myself heal. Do I talk to him about what is bothering me even though it just seems to make him feel like I have just been miserable our whole relationship. There have been good times of course or I would have been gone. I just buried it down for so long and the dam broke last time he added to my collection of wrongs. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I am glad that I did no matter what comes out of my breakdown I will find the light again and I will be happy again. I just need help to not damage the relationship more and get what I deserve and need.

You are never going to get what you deserve and need from this man. Hopefully, you'll acceot that one day.

In what ways is he disrespectful? It sounds like bilateral lack of communication and that his cheating days are from his first marriage? Is he cheating on you? Try not to confuse and inject your mother into all this.

He's not solely responsible for all your happiness or disappointments in life nor your childhood/parental issues. Those are things that are your job to work on.

It sounds like he's trying to be a decent husband, but you can't trust or believe him or think he's sincere...why is that?

I have started working with a therapist to help me move forward. So what the crap is wrong that I can't get past the things my husband has done or find a way out. I just buried it down for so long and the dam broke last time he added to my collection of wrongs.

He has a history of cheating with co-workers in his first marriage and was sleeping with a supposed lesbian co-worker when we started seeing each other.

Just be honest with him AND yourself. Say you're done! Work out plans to get out of this.

Continue therapy.. to work on YOU.

Take some good down time to keep working on you.. a year +.

Hold on long enuff to heal? Dont think you can.. staying in this relationship.