My Boyfriend Told Me He's Embarrassed of My Past

First off I apologize in advance for how long this is. I'm just sadly one of those people who have to over explain to feel like you get it.

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Precisely. It's a funny story kind of because I was talking to his BEST FRIEND. You know the friend who you have to find out the hard way isn't worth any time whatsoever. Yeah, that friend.

Anywho... After several conversations and deciding we're best friends I finally decided to react to his passes. He was the good dude. . Well from what I know. He was dating this girl who was pregnant by him at the time but not long after she'd had the baby they separated. Or so I was told.. I don't think I can ever say I fully believe that after what I know now and how SHE treated me. . Moving on.

We started talking seriously (my boyfriend and I) it was a little while before we actually became exclusive though. Aside from his friend and a fake cousin of his that he knew I'd slept with before him, more individuals started coming out. Now... He had already admitted to loving me prior to us dating. I was the girl who he wanted and he didn't understand why I didn't notice him. In the beginning he was very insecure feeling like I was dating him to get back at his friend. Something about me is I've NEVER dated a guy for fun. As in I don't take feelings lightly. I've only ever really cared about ONE other guy. . Relationship wise. It started to get irritating having my love be questioned like that.

He was happy with me. Posting me on social media.. Showing me off. Eventually the stabs started coming. Every argument or when he randomly wanted to discuss my past was a verbal attack about how "washed up" I am. Not his exact words but I'm only 23. I lost my virginity at 18 and I honestly can name all of the men I've slept with. I have friends who can't remember who they've slept with in the last YEAR. My point is the number isn't that high. He is more concerned that people he knows will laugh behind his back about how he feels about me than the fact that I feel like he loves me with limitation.

I have no desire to sleep with or even be with another man. I've taken him back after a couple hiccups and have remained faithful. I don't have a desire to be anything like who I used to be. Which honestly is just someone who partake in casual sex if I felt like it. Being with him and hearing some of the things he says about me and how I was has forced me to believe I was worst than I actually was. I wasn't that bad. I wasn't some well known $lut sexing any and everybody. Yes I'm ashamed of the number I DO have in my experience box, whether it is that high or isn't, but I've forgiven myself. That careless girl is buried and gone.

It's so unfair I think because he's admitted he has no clue how many women he's slept with. Not to mention he's just now decided to NOT be the biggest flirt on social media.. As well as a man wh0re himself so why isn't it recognizable that I can't be laughed at as well? I asked is his embarrassment why he no longer posts about me and he said yes. Is it worth it? Seriously. He is closer to 30 and he wants us engaged in the next 6 months.

Is there seriously any way he'll ever get over me being a normal, single woman finding myself and finding what I like before I met him? I read somewhere that it's manipulation and verbal abuse. He used to be way more harsh than he is now. He's more soft spoken about it and tries to come off as "I love you, but" as opposed to "you were a wh0re. Who wants to be seen with a $lut?" I'm in a rut.

Honestly. Our last couple weeks have been great. Our chemistry. Everything. But this conversation last night literally physically hurt my heart. I felt this one. How I can I be a great woman to someone who admitted to being embarrassed of me? I've met everyone who is important to him. His 2 kids. Family. Everyone. And they all associate with me normally. . It just seriously hurt my heart. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for.

Can you break this into paragraphs? Those of us with older eyes just can't read great walls of text. You might get less responses.

I tried to fix it. It's super long. Thank you.

The bottom line is, you can't change your past. Do you really want to stand trial for it?

Am I over exaggerating? Should I be understanding of why he feels this way since it is normal?? Or is this way of thinking pacifying his belittling of me and I'm officially manipulated?

Eventually the stabs started coming. Every argument or when he randomly wanted to discuss my past was a verbal attack about how "washed up" I am. Not his exact words but I'm only 23.

What are these arguments over? Not to necessarily defend it, but are you coming at him with character attacks and he's using this as a vehicle to come back at you?

Really, you could've slept with the entire Denver Broncos locker room including the custodial staff and it would be up to him to get over it. Your history is your history and you can't take it back, nor should you feel like you should if you could. If this is a recurring theme, I'd bail.

Should I be understanding of why he feels this way since it is normal??

it isn't normal.

So what were his exact words? Not sure why you chose to put it in quotes if it's not actually what he said (I do understand you can technically do so for paraphrasing, but it's bad practice and can be very misleading to do so with euphemisms).

 

What are these arguments over? Not to necessarily defend it, but are you coming at him with character attacks and he's using this as a vehicle to come back at you?

 

Really, you could've slept with the entire Denver Broncos locker room including the custodial staff and it would be up to him to get over it. Your history is your history and you can't take it back, nor should you feel like you should if you could. If this is a recurring theme, I'd bail.

He asked me a personal question last night and I answered it honestly. He rebutted with jabs about other people I've been with thus causing me to ask if he was embarrassed of me and if that's why he doesn't show me off like he used to. He said yes.. but he loves me and wants to be with me.

His words were more along the lines of me not being as pure as he'd like.. and he brought up how quite a few of my past physical partners he knows personally. Basically.

You should never be with someone who is embarrassed of you. You deserve better.

it's not just that he either accepts your past or breaks up with you because you can't really rewrite it, it's that he isn't concerned about the relationship, he is concerned about his image. frankly, there is an ape-like vibe to the whole my woman needs to be pure or what are guys going to think of me (while making sure to have spent a lot of time on conquests himself).

i wouldn't want to justify the fact that i am a deserving partner despite my past, and i wouldn't want to be a status symbol.

You should never be with someone who is embarrassed of you. You deserve better.

Do I? I always envision maybe one day some super great guy will tell me how beautiful of a person my past made. I always think maybe he'll grow into that guy.. As opposed to he'll be an ex or distant memory.

People seldom change in that regard. Never be with someone and hope they will change. Be with someone because they fit with you well from the get go.

People seldom change in that regard. Never be with someone and hope they will change. Be with someone because they fit with you well from the get go.

Since I'm fairly new to this. Are relationships not about being the one to see the potential in the other person? I felt like it was kind of fairy tale to find someone who already has it all together. But I could be wrong. Judging by the fact that I'm looking for advice in the first place... I don't know much.

he doesn't need to "have it all together"...but he needs to accept you and have some basic respect for you. and to not objectify you or view you as a polaroid of his "perfect (backwards) masculinity". it's kinda a prerequisite.

He needs to get over it. You can't stand for that. You'll never be able to truly let go of your past because he's not. And, what about him? Was he a perfect prude before you met him? You don't know anyone he's personally slept with? He's being an a$$hole. Tell him to get over it, or hit the bricks.

he doesn't need to "have it all together"...but he needs to accept you and have some basic respect for you. and to not objectify you or view you as a polaroid of his "perfect (backwards) masculinity". it's kinda a prerequisite.

I understand. I just feel like if it was a manipulative tactic. It worked. Even when we've had times we weren't together and I wanted him to move out and he was gone for a while... I would feel like I wanted it OVER. And say everything in me wants to move on but I wouldn't talk to guys. Go out and mingle and or anything else from fear of how he'd react.. Probably calling me names or treating me badly. Not to mention talking to guys made me feel like that would make me all the names he placed on me in the past and like I wasn't loyal to him since I still loved him. I don't know. I know most men have ways about themselves.

I can't stand people who demand virginity or "acceptable history" in their partners when they are loose themselves or have a history of his. Huge, huge, huge double standard. I would think twice about being with someone like this.

Since I'm fairly new to this. Are relationships not about being the one to see the potential in the other person? I felt like it was kind of fairy tale to find someone who already has it all together. But I could be wrong. Judging by the fact that I'm looking for advice in the first place... I don't know much.

Your basic values and life goals should be the same. Everything else can be worked on. But don't be with someone who doesn't think highly of you.

I can't stand people who demand virginity or "acceptable history" in their partners when they are loose themselves or have a history of his. Huge, huge, huge double standard. I would think twice about being with someone like this.

I feel like it's easier said than done. But I'm so scared of what I'll turn into if you're right. The time I'll waste based on what ifs and look back. But knowing me I'll look back and see only good memories. Forcing myself to be blind to bad ones because I love someone.

But then I feel like that's what I'm asking him to do. Be blind because he loves me. Which I know sounds ridiculous like I've been manipulated.

You don't need to talk about your past with anyone. It is not their right to know it. It belongs to you.

I feel like it's easier said than done. But I'm so scared of what I'll turn into if you're right. The time I'll waste based on what ifs and look back. But knowing me I'll look back and see only good memories. Forcing myself to be blind to bad ones because I love someone.

 

But then I feel like that's what I'm asking him to do. Be blind because he loves me. Which I know sounds ridiculous like I've been manipulated.

But he can never be blind, because it's clear that it bothers him. He can't love you and see you in the way that you want him too. What youre asking of him is not really possible.

I had a live in ex years ago. He was ashamed of my past from the start of our relationship. I've had no casual sex in my life but I had 2 relationships with older men and he hated that. He was a virgin. He knew it all prior to even considering dating me.

Let me tell you how that evolved over the years. He kept bringing it up when he was angry and he was always keen to let me know during arguments that I was a broken, damaged person and that he was doing a favor by being with me, that no other man would tolerate my past.

In his eyes, I was always seen as damaged and that him being with me was a favor to me, like something to be grateful for. Looking back, he's lucky I ever dated his dumb @$$, I helped him get a well paying desk job he's still at today, I helped him move out, helped him buy a car, helped him learn money management skills.

But he would never see it that way.

You will be reduced to your past and nothing more, and treated accordingly. He has shown you he can't get over it. So why believe that he will.

How do I do it? What would make this break up any more real than the last one? What would keep me from missing him and not having interest in other guys? Is my self esteem ruined? I'm surprising myself with some of my responses to you guys.

If there's one lesson I have learned through my rather longer than probably most people on here life it's this: People who hold a double standard, who blame and fault and harass and belittle you for the very things they themselves have done or who even just do it, because they feel you should be beholden to some "standard" that's only in their head - are the very people you should dump out of your life ASAP and never look back.

Seriously, calling you washed up when he doesn't even know how many women he slept with? Excuse me? You need to get some fire in that spine and tell this guy he can go seek out someone else, you are done with his hypocrisy and double standards. It will never get better, and I'm not sure why you didn't dump a fireball of anger on him the first time he said that to you. I would have. Never let someone judge you by your past, it can't be changed and it doesn't matter anyways. At least not to normal sane people who love you for who you are.

It's also a serious red flag for people who can turn abusive and controlling, which if you really want to face it, he already is. I have no idea why you'd even stay and put up with that crap except maybe you're young and think he'll grow out of it. He won't. He'll just keep escalating.

I don't think it's normal or ok either. It's ok for a partner to not love every single choice we've ever made. But it's not ok to belittle, punish, or hurt our partner because we don't like something. Ever.

He's hurtful, and he's hypocritical. There isn't the safety there for a healthy relationship while that is happening. And if someone does that, thinks it is ok, don't even try to change them - just run.

He has the option to leave if he can't accept who you are, the hurting is never ok.

You are young. I think there is a whole world of men for you to explore yet who will treat you with respect. He disrespects you, and respect is so important.. At least as important as love.

Dredging up your past is nasty and demeaning. It doesn't matter how promiscuous he was, it's a not a sainthood or conquests competition.

Stop that entire argument and shut him right down if the argument shifts to your past. Character assassinations are to make you feel like less so he can feel superior to you and basically put you down.

"read somewhere that it's manipulation and verbal abuse"....You read this very correctly and it's interesting you've already researched that. What does that tell you about him and why he argues? Serious consider ending this, he'll just cycle and escalate this verbal abuse.

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Every argument or when he randomly wanted to discuss my past was a verbal attack about how "washed up" I am. He used to be way more harsh than he is now. "you were a wh0re. Who wants to be seen with a $lut?"