What does it mean to love yourself or have self esteem?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Many people, myself included, have low self esteem, and sometimes this can be in all areas of our life, or just in certain areas, eg. romantic relationships or work or family.

Often people will say 'you need to love yourself', or 'build your self esteem', but what does that look like? What does that mean? What do people need to do?

I dont have the answers and it may be that different things work for different people so I thought maybe i'll start a thread so people can share what they think it means and how to do it, what has worked for them, what books have read that helped.

So i'll start...

For me it means listening to that inner voice. The things that make you come alive, certain music, ambitions, places to visit, loving animals.

it's about listening to your heart when you think 'i'd really like to do ... ' and doing it. Feeding that person inside of you, without anyone elses opinion on it. Obviously i dont mean hurting people and there are social norms that we have to remain within!

So if you wanna travel then travel.

if you want to learn a language, learn it... just for the sake of it.

go to new places, meet new people

be alone sometimes and being happy

recognising the things you do well, and things you could be better at

finding pleasure in simple everyday things.

seeing the good in people.

accepting others and yoursekf for being different and unique.

buying yourself chocolates if you want them.

focusing on the things you have, family, children, health, pets... rather than dwelling on what you dont have.

knowing that you are trying your best.

knowing that you have the power to change a lot of things in your life.

knowing that you have choices

accepting yourself for the bits youd like to change and trying to change them.

accepting that feelings are useful whether good or bad

accepting that experiences are always useful, even when they dont feel so good at the time.

accepting that you are the driver in your life to take it where you want to go.

Hey I really like your post. I do struggle with my self-esteem. What you just posted are good questions. I think it means valuing yourself, having confidence and a thick skin. I don't know exactly what people need to do. I've been told that you must find the things which make you happy. I think loving yourself is accepting yourself the way you are despite your flaws. Also, I think being kind to yourself is what's needed. I really think these questions need more deep thinking and introspection. I've been listening to inspirational people on Facebook, various forums, following positive or spiritual quotes on Facebook as well. It's not that i'm looking for external sources. Inspirational quotes make you feel better. They are always there when it comes to facing down moments in your life.

I honestly don't know if my answer makes any sense. I can elaborate more if you need me too.

For me, it means the things you say to yourself about yourself.

Do you tell yourself you are good enough, smart, fun, and believe it? or are you constantly berating yourself, doubting yourself, expecting failure, yelling at yourself.

For me it is things you believe about yourself

Do you believe you are dumb? Incapable? Unattractive? Or do you believe you are smart, capable, attractive, good enough and worthy of real love. Do you believe in your ability to reach your own goals?

For me it is what you believe you deserve.

If somebody is blowing you off, do you chase them because you think getting them to pay attention to you will validate your value? Or have you already validated your value and now only tolerate those who see it.

If somebody treats you badly, do you accept it because deep down you feel you may never find love because you arent good enough?

Or do you know your own value and so know how you deserve to be treated.

And... do you like yourself? Do you like who you are? Are you living the life that makes you happy? If you werent you, would you want to be friends with you? Would you want to date you? Would you want to be with yourself?

For me it was about learning to do things for myself, that I could survive without someone else stepping in either to save or entertain me, and I did things that were for me and my eyes alone. By that I mean I took up hobbies and activities to help myself push past internal barriers. I was afraid of the water from a near-drowning accident as a child, so at one point I took scuba diving lessons. I had been in a really bad car wreck with a drunk driver when I was younger, right after losing a close friend to a drunk driver, so I was scared to drive for a long time. Yep, eventually I took driving lessons and got back on the road.

I went through a stage of physical endurance activities - marathons, kayaking, hiking and mountain climbing, things where I had to push through and rely on my own endurance. I took courses. I did martial arts. I was afraid of public speaking, so I took a debate course in college and had to perform debates in public. And yes, I got back on that stage even after puking the first time from total fear and everyone who laughed at me after that had serious respect for me, but I had more for myself. I did things for myself that I could later look back on and remind myself that I wasn't that weak or that i would survive something, no matter how it hurt me or embarrassed me or was hard.

There's a lot more to it than that, but that's kind of what fed my self-esteem. It wasn't being told I was pretty or having a boyfriend or a fancy car or things like that. It was me seeking out new things I could learn, that got me out of my head, that were accomplishments I could look back on and say, "Yeah, well I did it anyways, even if I wasn't good at it let's see how many people would ever have the guts to do X, Y or Z. Because I did."

I don't know to this day if I really "love" myself. I just know from the things I've done that a) I am resilient and have survived enough bad things to know I'll probably survive anything else life throws at me, or at least go down fighting the good fight I suppose and b) no one else made me cross that finish line or patch a leaking roof in a rainstorm but me. I did those things and I'm proud I did them. And that's not something anyone else gives me, I gave those accomplishments to myself, they are mine, they make up who I am. And they exist no what anyone or anything else may say, do or be.

There's a lot more to it than that, but charging full force into life rather than waiting for someone or something to hand things to you is probably the best way to build self-esteem. When you meet someone who has worked their tail off for something you'll see it in how they carry themselves.

Also patience, this doesn't happen overnight. It happens putting one foot in front of the other and taking as much pleasure in the small victories as the large. And understanding even if life knocks you back you can get up off the floor (maybe after a good cry or three, I mean we are human emotional creatures after all) and get back in the game.

Pushing yourself to reach your goals in life but at the same time being kind and considerate to yourself. It's so easy to talk down to yourself and make yourself feel so worthless, I think self love is learning to be aware of how you speak to yourself, shushing that cruel voice and replacing it with a compassionate and kind one. Most of us wouldn't speak to our worst enemy the way we speak to ourselves... it's so important to be mindful of this and put a stop to it. I've recently started in a new position in work and it can be very stressful, with the staff making you feel like utter s*** at times. I've learned in these moments to take a minute to say to myself "you're doing your very best, you've come so far and im so proud of you" sounds cheesy I know but it actually does work.

From the Mayo Clinic. (yes they study this stuff) \\

Benefits of healthy self-esteem

When you value yourself and have good self-esteem, you feel secure and worthwhile. You have generally positive relationships with others and feel confident about your abilities. You're also open to learning and feedback, which can help you acquire and master new skills.

With healthy self-esteem you're:

Assertive in expressing your needs and opinions

Confident in your ability to make decisions

Able to form secure and honest relationships — and less likely to stay in unhealthy ones

Realistic in your expectations and less likely to be overcritical of yourself and others

More resilient and better able to weather stress and setbacks

Less likely to experience feelings such as worthlessness, guilt and shame

Less likely to develop eating disorders

Self-esteem affects virtually every facet of your life. Maintaining a healthy, realistic view of yourself isn't about blowing your own horn. It's about learning to like and respect yourself — faults and all.