Need guidance on son's wedding

My wife and I have been married for 38 years. We have three biological children (all boys) and three adopted girls, all of whom have special needs. Our boys have pretty much grown up with the girls.

My middle son fell in love and will soon be marrying the young lady he proposed to. This young lady has led a sort of privilege life: a well-to-do mom and a dad with a good job who together had her, the one daughter, and another, the one son. It seems that the children were very well taken care of: Private schools, a vacation home, etc. They had a semi-luxurious life. Recently, the bride-to-be pled her case for the need of a $13,000 wedding gown, but, in the end, “settled” for a $10,000 gown. The June wedding will be held at a rented “mansion.”

Recently, the young lady told us that her mother and father are paying for the whole wedding and that we (the groom’s parents) are not paying a dime and that our daughter, who has the most severe needs, is not invited. The bride-to-be is afraid our daughter will “spoil her wedding pictures.” Our 25 year-old-daughter was born with a Chromosome 15 abnormality and presents with autistic like symptoms. She is highly functional. In the past, we have always used sound judgment in taking her to family functions; we have been known not to take her to events if we did not think her behavior was “up-to-par” for that day. In any case, that option to take or not take our daughter has simply been taken away from us.

My son, who has claimed he never said his sister couldn’t attend the wedding, has deferred to the young lady he is marrying stating, “What’s the big deal? It’s her ‘special day.’”

Having children with challenges has prompted my wife and I to become strong advocates for the developmentally disabled. The bride-to-be decision to not allow our daughter to attend her brother’s wedding flies in the face of everything we are about.

At 61, I don’t claim to know all the answers. I am looking for thoughtful guidance.

My son is developmentally disabled ( autism) . He doesn't go neither do I. What your prospective daughter -in-law is suggesting is disgusting. Very obviously she has issues with the disabled. Personally for myself, I wouldn't show up. Bend to her now it will get worse.

Unfortunately, it may cause a rift with your son but if he wants to marry someone who is an abelist....

I mean it's not even advocacy for disabled people. It's simply your daughter not being invited to her own brother's wedding for no valid reason. You've been forced into a position to support your son or your daughter. For me, the difference would be it's not your daughter who's forcing your hand here, it's your son's inability to assert himself and stand up for his sister.

Far be it from me to pretend to know the correct decision. Mine would be not to attend unless your daughter being excluded is insistent on you going.

As an older brother to five siblings myself, if whoever I was marrying so much as thought about not inviting a sibling of mine, the wedding would be off and she'd be sent packing.

Exactly, your son wants you to choose between him and his sister because he can't stand up to his future wife and tell her she is being gross. This won't bode well.

I'm blown away that your son's fiancé would take this position. I have a brother who is developmentally disabled and although he has his bad days (as we all do), I would be extremely offended if my (other) sibling's soon-to-be SO advised that he wasn't invited to his own sibling's wedding. I, no doubt, would have a few choice words for this SO, and from that point forward I would want nothing to do with them. I'm also shocked that your son seems to be okay with this.

This is a tough spot to be in, as it your son who is getting married and you don't want to miss his wedding. I would have a serious chat with your son about this again.

I would be so bugged by this if someone did this to my family, and my brother who I'm very protective of!

I would present it this way to the brides family:

We are so appreciative that you're able to provide such an elaborate wedding to our son and your daughter. However, it is hurtful that you're insisting that our daughter be disclosed. Let's work with the photographer and come up with a game plan for the wedding day. If anything goes astray, we can retreat for a half hour or so.

Your sons bride to be sounds incredibly selfish, and self-centered. If your son refuses to stand up for his sister, I would stand up for what's right, and decline the invitation.

Either way, if they choose to continue with this stupidity, it says much more about them, than it does you.

Welcome to ENA. Well, this really stinks. I really hope that your son is examining the character of his future wife and he should decide if she is really the one he wants to commit to. The "photographs" issue is ridiculous to me because the daughter would be in what - 3 out of 2000 photographs that day? She needs to remember that this is not only her "special day," but that she is marrying into this family and cutting out a member of the family from the get-go isn't a great idea. I'd insist that your daughter goes to the wedding (and if she is having a bad day, cranky, whatever, you will take her home right away so that the ceremony or reception isn't disrupted).

I'm just appalled that she would be so callous towards her groom's family.

Wow your son's bride to be sounds incredibly spoilt and self centred, it's all about "me me me". It's nothing to do with whether her family is relatively well off or whether she has siblings (actually she does), I think that's just how her parents raised her, by spoiling her and letting her get her way however she wants. I'm an only child and I wouldn't dream of making such a request (or to spend $10k on a dress that I'll only wear once).

Have you met her parents? Are they reasonable people?

Anyway I like mustlovedogs' suggestion for a softer approach, if you want to keep the peace. But honestly I'm concerned about the fact that your son sees nothing wrong with this request or he can but can't stand up to her. It's not "her special day", it's their special day and they should have equal say in it. Just because her family is paying for it, doesn't mean she gets whatever she wants even if it's unreasonable.

Anyway I like mustlovedogs' suggestion for a softer approach, if you want to keep the peace. But honestly I'm concerned about the fact that your son sees nothing wrong with this request or he can but can't stand up to her. It's not "her special day", it's their special day and they should have equal say in it. Just because her family is paying for it, doesn't mean she gets whatever she wants even if it's unreasonable.

She is joining your family and he is joining theirs. I might approach it with that idea, somehow. "Jane, we look forward to welcoming you into our family…" and proceed with "I'm sorry (sister) is not able to attend, and we will not be able to make it as well. Please join our family for brunch on ____________ and we will all celebrate together." (Have fun, and take photographs.) When she goes low, you go high. ;-)

It's time to stand up for your daughter and decline the wedding invite yourself. Send a clear message of what behavior you will tolerate. This isn't it.

Echoing everyone else, particularly the part where the bride is only focused on her big, extravagant wedding. I feel like people who are only concerned with the aesthetics of their wedding tend to forget about the "for better, or for worse" part of it.

I think you should also communicate with your son about the seriousness of the situation and explain, why, you will not be coming to his wedding. It needs to sink in. I would not go at this point. I couldn't support such a marriage.

Your future DIL is a c__t.

I agree with communicating this to your son. It is like saying I don't want black people or Asian people in my wedding pictures. People would go apeshyte if that was said as so they should. Your daughter should not be discriminated against because she is disabled. And that is what this is. Discrimination.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

I would clear this with your wife, then my plan would be to communicate with son rather than the bride or her family. I'd meet with him, alone, and I'd put him on the spot. I'd tell him that I don't expect his answer right now, but I want him to give this thought and to take it to his fiance' for consideration--and then it's on him to make the decision FOR you: whether sister attends, or his parents do not.

This will weigh on him, and it will give him the chance to work it out with WhustHerName. In doing so, maybe he'll see a side of her that he doesn't respect very much.

I doubt that bride will want the optics of a wedding without her new inlaws being present and may possibly rethink her position.

I'd be prepared for the outcome either way, and I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

I would clear this with your wife, then my plan would be to communicate with son rather than the bride or her family. I'd meet with him, alone, and I'd put him on the spot. I'd tell him that I don't expect his answer right now, but I want him to give this thought and to take it to his fiance' for consideration--and then it's on him to make the decision FOR you: whether sister attends, or his parents do not.

 

This will weigh on him, and it will give him the chance to work it out with WhustHerName. In doing so, maybe he'll see a side of her that he doesn't respect very much.

 

I doubt that bride will want the optics of a wedding without her new inlaws being present and may possibly rethink her position.

 

I'd be prepared for the outcome either way, and I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I like this advice. It puts the onus on him to decide to stand up for his family. Plus, I think that the guests are far more likely to notice the lack of parents at the wedding than a disabled young adult being there.

I like this advice. It puts the onus on him to decide to stand up for his family. Plus, I think that the guests are far more likely to notice the lack of parents at the wedding than a disabled young adult being there.

Sure. Dad can be kind about it; there's no need to be adversarial. Son is fully aware of what his Mom and Dad have taught him. He's blocking that out to cater to WhutsHerName. The harsh reminder can be presented gently, and then it's up to Son to either step up for his sister, or not. But 'not' comes with consequences. I'd keep it as simple as that.

I'm afraid it were me I would sit my son down and talk to him calmly while pointing out to him that he needs to understand this is the person he is marrying. Someone who things it is still the 17th Century where the disabled should be locked away and never seen. And then I would tell him that as a grown adult it is up to him how he wants to run the relationship and he can either choose to be a partner with this woman or a doormat, BUT that the rest of family will not forward thinking that should have died out with the Dark Ages.

Then you tell him as tough as it is if this young woman cannot accept the entire family, all of them, then none of you will be at the wedding. And you will not cover up why none of you are there either. If anyone asks, you will tell them exactly why none of you are going. Then you tell your son you love him, you will all always be there should he choose to become a member of the family he was born and raised into again, but that as long as he chooses to enable his fiancee's mistreatment of the disabled then none of you will be supportive of this union and you take your blessings back. And if her family is equally lacking in compassion then that's that. It's now up to him to handle and choose what he wants to do about his wedding.

And then I would let him make his own choices. Let that family wear the shame of being so backwards it's a wonder they can even put their shoes on correctly. And wait for the divorce that is surely bound to happen.

I'm sorry, this is so...backwards I just can't think of any other way I would handle it. I wouldn't shout, but when I get icy calm my boys know I am not going to back down. And I would not, not for one instance let this woman or her family get away with this crap. Or things will get worse and worse. And there is absolutely no cause for it. They could simply have figured out a way to make everyone happy and not even made an issue of it. This is so far beyond the pale I'm actually astonished this woman even thinks she has the right to ask that.

Love PPs advice. I would definitely talk to your son, decline to go to the wedding, and if anyone asks you why you didn't go, you tell them the shameful truth.

Karma bus is on its way, beep beep.

JoJostarbucks, I hope you return and give us an update or feedback.