My boyfriend and his mother

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now.

He sees my family occasionally but they are very low maintenance and don't really get in the way.

However, his mother is much more intense than I have ever experienced and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

The last week I had off work I had planned to have a few days out with my boyfriend as I had been particularly busy up until then. However, as my boyfriend was also free his mother insisted that he goes back to her house and spends the entire week with her. Any attempt to compromise ended in tears by his mother, therefore he gave in and we didn't do a single thing without his mother present.

As I know this occurs regularly I planned for us to celebrate Christmas together in early December, which he agreed with. As I know there's no way he'd prioritise time for me during Christmas.

However, this week he has moved his mother into the house we share and has told me she is staying until new year! I was told she was coming for 2 days.

What on earth do I do? I love my partner very much but his mother is very controlling as well as lazy which increases my work load while she's here and I'm completely stuck with no idea what to do. Any advice?

Forgot about including his mother in your gripes. It's a losing formula. This is about him and his inability or lack of desire to set boundaries. If you need a certain amount of time alone with him or away from her, you need to spell it out. I'd gladly host my girlfriend's parents for a month, but not after she tells me it's only going to be two days. That's not something I'd put up with. If he's unwilling to accommodate your needs, then you've got a pretty core incompatibility.

Is there a reason he feels he can make an executive decision like that? Is he paying all or most the bills and expenses?

suggestion one: Tell him his mother will have to pay for a house keeper and share the finances while she stays. And that you will not be picking up after her or cook for her, that will be up to him to deal with.

Suggestion two: pack your bags and go stay at a friends place or stay with family during this time.

Suggestion three: give him an ultimatum...it's either you or his mother. Put a stop to this once and for all.

Suggestion four: get out of this relationship while you can. IMO this isn't working out...hell think of what it's going to be like when you two are married with kids.

I guess I would try putting mom to work since she's there - have her cook dinners, do laundry, etc... I don't quite understand what she is doing at your place for the next month anyway. I know if my mom moved in with me (ugh, no way), but I know she'd be cooking and cleaning the entire time.

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now.

He sees my family occasionally but they are very low maintenance and don't really get in the way.

However, his mother is much more intense than I have ever experienced and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

The last week I had off work I had planned to have a few days out with my boyfriend as I had been particularly busy up until then. However, as my boyfriend was also free his mother insisted that he goes back to her house and spends the entire week with her. Any attempt to compromise ended in tears by his mother, therefore he gave in and we didn't do a single thing without his mother present.

As I know this occurs regularly I planned for us to celebrate Christmas together in early December, which he agreed with. As I know there's no way he'd prioritise time for me during Christmas.

However, this week he has moved his mother into the house we share and has told me she is staying until new year! I was told she was coming for 2 days.

What on earth do I do? I love my partner very much but his mother is very controlling as well as lazy which increases my work load while she's here and I'm completely stuck with no idea what to do. Any advice?

This is a no-win situation. Trust me.

Your boyfriend's inability to set boundaries will soon be the downfall of this relationship. You'll always be a bench warmer when it comes to mom.

OP:

I strongly suggest you search previous threads about boyfriends letting their mothers control the roost (aka "Mama's boy"). Every single thread I have read concerning this situation has resolved in nasty break ups.

I am sorry, but your boyfriend's behavior is a major deal breaker. He lacks a backbone and his mom will always control him through manipulation. There is not a damn thing you can do but tell him that this relationship is not working.

What is your living situation? Are you both living separately or together? If you are living together, do you own the house?

If you live in the house, here's what to do

Make sure his mom is not overstaying her welcome, and let him know that. Have a real conversation with your boyfriend (and him ONLY.. No mommy around) and compromise to having her visit ONE WEEK (no ultimatum because it will backfire). She is not allowed to move in without the approval of BOTH of you. Let her B*h, moan and cry, but it is not her house and she doesn't have a say in the decision. Tough S*t for her. You tell him that she is only staying for one week for visitation. Period. She leaves when her visitation is up. And if he cannot agree to that compromise, all bets are off and the relationship is done. Do not threaten him, promise this will happen. Follow what you say if he doesn't stick to the agreement.

This will hurt. This may not be the advice you sought here on an online forum. But you honestly deserve self-respect. Do not let a man's weakness take that from you.

If you do not own/rent the property, pack your bags and move out (or end the relationship). You will not have anything ground to stay on (and on a relief's note, it will be less of a fight for you).

Give him the opportunity to turn it around. Just don't allow his weakness or his mother's pathetic attempt of manipulation to take advantage of your kindness. You have your self-respect and honor to protect.

Having zero backbone to reinforce relationship boundaries is setting up a relationship for failure. It is a mass sign of weakness on his part. And the fault will completely be on him.

I'd be polite to his mom and the bf and I would be having a very serious conversation privately ( and not around her or at the house ).

Tell him exactly what you need and listen to where he is coming from. If you can't meet together as a team on this, maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

Everyome telling you have a sensible discussion with him is way off mark. That possibility doesnt exist because mom will always be first to him.

This won't ever change. Marriage will be worse.

Ah yes, the boyfriend and mother syndrome I like to call it. My ex was too close with his Mother which caused a ton of friction!

You can't reason with him because he will just get angry and think you are trying to come between he and his mother. What you can do is decide if you can handle all of this. It will get worse I hate to say especially if you don't get along with the mother.

Lisa

I would give him an ultimatum. You gotta try soemthing before us even end it things can always get better but gotta start from somewhere. Tell him straight out how u feel or tell him or his mother eve how u feel. My girlfriend did to my mother because she was very controlling over me and what I did and my girlfriend told her almost straight out in a good way and my mother actually realized that she was right and let me be free almost and problems were resolved and my mother respected her very much actually for telling her. Not sure how his mother would react but I would tell him first to make him make changes. My girlfriend told me first and I made changes and I even told my mom the problems and that she needed to back off. If he wants to make it work he'll do soemthing or say something

Everyome telling you have a sensible discussion with him is way off mark. That possibility doesnt exist because mom will always be first to him.

 

This won't ever change. Marriage will be worse.

I partially agree- there is a very high chance that she won't change a damn thing. But she needs to be the bigger person in this whole ordeal and give him the opportunity to turn it around with reasonable conditions. Be reasonable, but very firm.

You cannot have a relationship without communication, and she needs to try first without throwing in the towel.

That was a hostile move on BF's part. He 'tells' you rather than asks, and after the fact. I hate to be trigger happy with my reaction to this, but I've lived through it, and all I can say is, Get Out Now.

My heart goes out to you.