Overwhelmed

I have started 2 new jobs in the last 3 months. Here's my schedule

Mon- job 1: volunteering as part of my recent studies

Tue/Wed/Thu - job 2

Sat - job 3

My official days are Fri and Sun. Occasionally I do a shift on Fri.

All my jobs are in the mental health field. Despite having had training I am now not having therapy as I cannot afford it. It has become difficult being surrounded by so many painful stories and client's expectations. I have supportive colleagues in job 1 and 2 but we can't spend too much talking about stuff as it gets us down and we have to be contained to help the clients.

I have realised I need to work on my boundaries more and a tendency to absorb responsibility for people's happiness.

I used to be creative. I miss it so much... I find it very hard to get back into it. I managed to get on a free project that lasts 5 weeks and I can sing as part of a performance. I am hoping it might help me feel creative again.

I am still unsure about my relationship. In many ways it works and in others we are coming across obstacles that are hard for me to overcome - our differences are largely ideological, political and how we exist in the world.

My flatshare is still not a home and will never be. I don't fully relax here but at least it is not as bad as it used to be. We have a meeting coming up that is stressing me out a lot.

I am quite proactive in life and do things to help myself..but the last month I have started feeling like I am..disappearing. I feel low, stressed, struggling to catch up with everything and I think of death a lot. I feel like I am not myself.

This adult life that I thought I was failing at, I now have it.. and it's boring. It all feels colourless and lifeless, that's how I see myself at the moment. Like my zest and individuality have disappeared. I am yearning for some fun, creativity, play and inspiration..usually I am the one that provides that in relationships and now it's not available to me.

My boyfreind, as stable and reliable as he is, he lacks passion and a fun aspect to his personality. In our relationship I am the one that has helped him access and voice his feelings and thoughts, this sometimes drags me down when I am tired like in the past 4-6 weeks. I really do wish he was more fun.

I will get some support for 6 sessions and I think that will help.

For now I feel so burdened. I am struggling financially beyond belief and with christmas coming up I am distressed at finding gifts for $10 and under for 11 people. Every week I have about $30 to myself but now I am saving from that for gifts..it is such a strain. Struggling so much financially makes me feel that society doesn't value my skills.

I don't know if anyone can help and how, I feel alone in this because I am usually the person that helps others. I have 2 good friends I can go to and I do but I think the biggest problem is this lack of "life" in my life.

I recall moments in the past where I had a spring on my step, wrote songs, dressed cool and believed in humanity.

Now all I see is pain and more pain inflicted on people from people. I have become more scared too, more paranoid..because of all the stories I have heard.

If anyone has any words that might help I'd be grateful.

It sounds like you know exactly what the problem is: your jobs are unfulfilling, draining, and unsustainable. Can you find a more stable work situation?

Not everyone but most people feel that life is boring when their jobs are tedious.My job is extremely boring but I have learned not get "attached" to my work. I would certainly prefer something more creative but that's life.

Try to find a more stable job. Easier said than done but ...

The best "advice" i could give you is to not get attached to your job.Just do it, don't think of it.

Well Quirky, it's good to see you around. I am not sure what to say about your relationship. I feel like you have a pattern of getting into and sticking with men who are ideologically incompatible with you. I can't understand why you stick around, but it's certainly a pattern.

Regarding your job, I wonder if it's just not the right job for you. I think it's worth you thinking through another career that could be less emotionally draining for you while still being interesting and paying the bills.

Thank you for your responses.

In terms of my jobs to put it into context..I am at the first step of the ladder of a career change.

I do feel I am in the rigt field and wouldn't want to change. These are my first roles in this field after college and I suspect it may take some time getting used to them and finding my feet and pace in them. I wouldn't want to leave, I would like to manage them better. I sense that I would handle them better if my life OUTSIDE of work was keeping me happy and nurtured which is not happening at the moment.

Ms Darcy, I don't know how to do it right, romantic relationships always feel like a struggle to me. The relationship is not bad as such, at least on the surface, but it's...o.k.

I am not sure I can find something better but at this point I am utterly confused about what I want, feel or think..I don't feel particularly confident. I've lost my sex drive too the last month. I don't feel playful or like wearing nice underwear for him, it all feels futile...but not in an utterly depressive way if that makes sense.

I have a lot of existential anxiety.

I don't feel ready to break up yet not particularly enthusiastic in taking a next step of committment i.e moving in with him - he wants that. The only thing I want is to feel alive and like myself again.

Quirky, a huge Internet hug to you. Bless you for taking on everything you have and now I am going to tell you something, having stood in your shoes once upon a time, you need to find something that helps you decompress from the world and its pain.

I worked 16 years in a Women's clinic and on the sidelines helping people leave abusive relationships. At one point I was going for a therapy degree. And trying to raise three kids by myself. So yeah, stress and burnout city, it was. And this is where you need to find something that will help you build those walls against the darkness so to speak. Not to make yourself calloused, but to give you relief in something else that takes you out of your head and others misfortunes long enough to sort of help "reset" things.

And I'm not sure I even have the right words for what I'm trying to say here. I used to put on the loudest, angriest rock I could find then blast it as I power-walked to work every day. Somehow it geared me up for battle so to speak. At the end of the day I had certain films my kids, who were little at the time, loved and that I loved too so I'd put those on with the boys and just zone out watching the same stupid movies over and over again while laughing.

And that's how I got through that time. Money, yeah well that's money, it sucks no matter what. But if you can find one or two things that you like that you can do by yourself that just boost your mood, get the endorphins going, and/or calm the anxiety that might help. Even just doing a list of things known by you to boost your mood then finding a way to work those in will help.

You sound like you're doing really well actually, but sometimes growth and change causes these periods where one struggles to find a rhythm. And that doesn't last, so take heart in that. But yeah, find something, anything that can just take you out of your head even if just for 15 minutes. It will help.

Yoga is amazing too, but if you're like me I hated taking classes so I did the home thing with my yoga tapes and music and a bit of my favorite sparkling water, just really helped too. Also make sure you eat well and get enough sleep, because that will make it all 50 times worse. Outside of those things all I can offer you is the reminder that life is a wheel, constantly turning, and nothing stays bad or boring or exhausting forever. So take heart in that too.

I'm not going to offer you any advice on the love life except to maybe just let him be, stop working on him so much or wishing he'd do something, and simply grab him to go for walks or coffee every chance you get. Sometimes the best things one can do to boost mood are the smallest, simplest things.

My hat is off to you for your career choice BTW. The world needs more empathic therapists and people who work in the mental health industry, and in that you are blessing to the world. Never forget that.

That was such a helpful response PP, it made me feel understood and gave me hope.

It's interesting you mentioned the children.

Last Thursday I was walking back from job 2 and saw a girl very upset at the bustop. I asked her what had happened and she said her brother had fallen asleep on the bus, that she couldn't walk home alone. After a couple of questions I deciphered that the brother was 17, I explained that he'd wake up and take the bus the other direction. She didn't have mum's number so we couldn't call her. Eventually I walked the girl home and spoke to the mum once we got there.

It was so nice sharing that moment because I have no contact with children here, or elderly people for that matter. People of different ages give you different perspectives which I miss whilst living abroad, my friends are mostly around my age.

I found myself wanting to be around my nephews because that's the kind of energy I need right now, a sense of wonder, innocence and playfulness. I do wish I could see them more often but will see them around Christmas time.

In terms of children too...I am in my laye 30s and I know that there is an underlying anxiety about time running out which prevents me from being as relaxed as I'd like about relationships. Partiularly since living abroad, this sense of home is very important to me and not something I have.

I feel for you and see that you're out of balance -you've let work consume you too much and then it sounds like you expect your boyfriend to be more fun to make up for it. Reading what you want/desire makes me feel boring after being way too happy to be home in pajamas and warm socks after having numb fingers for over an hour at the playground. A shower, then clean PJs and a snack in my rocking chair sounds totally fun. Sigh. I love Paris's suggestions about power walking to loud music and yoga. That helps me too when I'm in that kind of mood.

I also think you'll feel lighter and freer when you say goodbye to your stable, kind, but not right for you boyfriend.

I disagree. I have struggled my whole life trying to be happy with countless jobs and until I followed my heart, despite its trials & tribulations, I would have never known what it's like to do something you love as work. Not everyone does it.... but if you want it enough, it will happen. I recently quit my mundane, toxic, and frustrating restaurant career and am now thriving as a fitness instructor and trainer. I love what I do but it's not easy.... the money isn't there yet but I know if I stay on the straight and narrow path, I believe in, I'll get to where I'm headed. I've learned who supports me and who doesn't, and I've learned to stop people pleasing, and I've started to realize that it's okay to be a little bit of a once in a while. If you don't have enough money for gifts Quirky, then don't buy them! Christmas is about love no material possessions. My family rarely exchanged gifts. I think it's time you be a little selfish for a change... at the end of the day, you go to bed with you.

Batya33- this wasn't an attack to your life, it sounds lovely getting back home after playing with the children. In your case that is great. I tried to illustrate that I am lacking the sense of home, the children and the fulfilling relationship. A lot of the times I also miss the psysical warmth because my crazy flatmate doesn't want the heating on so to save on bills.

People's desires are different, to be yearning for fun and creativity is part of my identity and how I feel alive. To have lost that means to have lost one of my coping mechanisms. Random songs, dances, funny voices and faces..all that stuff helps shake me out of people's pain. To someone else it is irrelevant and silly. This is why we all create slightly different realities for ourselves and choose different partners. In your case you get that innocence and playfulness through your children. I don't see how that would make you feel boring as I am not having a dig at others' lives, instead trying to figure out the best way for mine at a time where as you put it I am out of balance.

I suspect you might be right about the boyfriend, we're ok but something is always missing and I sadly don't experience him as "kind". It's hard to leave because it doesn't feel terrible, just not fulfilling either. I am unsure as to whether anything can be fullfilling though, quite frankly I realised that..as positive as I feel about people and our potential and need to connect whilst I offer myself to the community and feel open and genuine, I actually feel pessimistic about romantic relationships. My thinking is: how can one individual with their own story and contradictions, dreams, baggage, feelings, dysfunctions and future plans come together with another individual with their own story and contradictions, dreams, baggage, feelings, dysfunctions and future plans and make it work in the long run. And then decide to bring a baby into this. It's just heroic to me.

In terms of my jobs -it really is hard not to be affected by all those painful stories. With the clients that are more autonomous it is easier to manage but the ones that really ask for guidance and/or don't trust themselves it is very difficult because I feel the expectations on me..and that is why boundaries is so important. It's such a fine line though to stay empathic and caring whilst not taking much on, particularly as I am new in the field. I have made some improvements the last week but need to work on it a bit more.

Hope 7 - that was helpful to read. I did think of explaining that I genuinely can't afford something. Then I thought of maybe making something like learn how to knit a scarf or make jam..? I am on the lookout everyday for gifts of $10, it's easier with my friends because thy like thrift stores too. My family always exchanged gifts and big ones too.

It's inspiring to read you found a vocation you are passionate about. I forget that I did too because of all the strain around it. But the reality is that I genuinely want to do this well. How do you suppoprt yourself and your dream, do you have others that are passionate about it too, what keeps you going when the money and opportunities are tight?

I am also learning not to please others, it's damn hard though. To help myself I wrote on an A3 paper "Me first" and put it on my wall to see it everyday because if I am not well I cannot help others.

Dias- your suggestion of detaching is good, I've been trying to let go of the story after the support sessions and recently tried not to talk about work to my colleague and friends. It has worked a little bit so far.

The trouble is that work would also be my hobby. If I look at books, films, courses it will most often be around something therapeutic! So I am not trying to withold that until I feel better and stronger. I think one of the reasons I don't come here as much is because I support people emotionally in my jobs now.

Jibralta- although I want to stay in my jobs and the field is right for me, I have started considering if I can do any changes to make it work better for me, change days/times etc.

"Batya33- this wasn't an attack to your life, it sounds lovely getting back home after playing with the children. In your case that is great. I tried to illustrate that I am lacking the sense of home, the children and the fulfilling relationship. A lot of the times I also miss the psysical warmth because my crazy flatmate doesn't want the heating on so to save on bills. "

I really am shocked that you read what I wrote that way - I was musing on how different my life/needs are now -and it's a little sad! Your post wasn't an attack. I had MANY years of the kind of experiences those who love the arts, creativity, making a difference - would completely relate to and enjoy hearing about. And I continue to do volunteer work when I can and of course when I can my parenting involves a lot of creativity.

I've never been artistically inclined - love knowing people who are! - but was involved in the arts in several ways for 15 years (and took acting lessons as a child so it's always been in my blood) and involved with regular volunteer work and jobs that involved that for over 20 years. I don't play with my child outside -I see my role as keeping him safe so that he can play on his own and socialize and learn from a variety of mistakes including external and internal boo boos. Yes, I intervene when needed but after he was 4 years old or so I didn't play with him (now I would do frisbee or feed the ducks o a similar game but I need to catch up on my old New Yorkers and get work done from my part time job!).

I share all this because - please - it was the opposite of feeling attacked. And please, please don't stay with someone as a default with the "I don't think anything can fulfil me" - I don't know anything more creative-sapping than lying to oneself or settling to the extent you are.

I also have seen people more involved with causes than people -individual people -more comfortable with giving in the broader sense.

I think Woody Allen said something about love being based on complementary neuroses but don't quote me on that. And the great thing about being a parent is the echo chamber - you get to hear how ridiculous you sound sometimes because you hear your own voice and then your little "angel" repeats it back to you -inflection and all -without a hint of sarcasm lol.

Oh and now my life is probably boring -and I'm good with that -given my past , totally good with that - no rationalization about it. Proud that what lets me sleep peacefully at night, sometimes, is knowing I washed the kitchen and bathroom floors according to my self-imposed schedule.

One more thing -try to avoid over-thinking -it's a delicate balance. Getting married, pregnant, relocating and being unemployed for 7.5 years required a leap of faith from this type A, sometime control freak. It is taking the plunge. It's scary and really does require the suspension of overthinking -and a huge dose of self-honesty -it's a delicate balance but yes it can be done. Promise.

Despite having had training I am now not having therapy as I cannot afford it. It has become difficult being surrounded by so many painful stories and client's expectations.

Since you'll always need to eat, can you propose to one of your most trusted colleagues that you'd like to buy him or her a meal and drinks twice a month in exchange for their ear?

Thank you all for the responses and sorry for the misconception Batya.

I am managing my jobs a bit better but my relationship is in a bad place. I'm trying to figure that out and gain some clarity and then look at steps ahead.

I called a couple of helplines and spoke to someone at work and got suggestions of 3 books

Co-dependant no more

How to break your addiction to a person

Narcissism: the denial of the true self.

I am tired of being negative about him and above all tired of not preparing for a future with him. I could do it and if for example I got pregnant by mistake I'd keep it and commit to working on things. At the thought of spending 20 years with him till we die I could do it but don't feel excited about it. I know it'd be ok overall but I don't have that fervent wish of pursuing it right away and he offers and wants that.

His children have recently moved and he is at the process of selling 2 properties and this has put our commitment at the forefront of my thoughts.

"I could do it and if for example I got pregnant by mistake I'd keep it and commit to working on things."

That i EXACTLY how I felt in my "not quite right" serious relationships. And it's not fair to anyone involved. I fully believe you genuinely would "work on things" - that you would be fully committed and faithful - but the emotional emptiness,doubts and pain would only increase and taint and infect your marriage. I now know the difference and believe me don't settle for what you say you would commit to, even with the most genuine and honorable intentions. And no I do not have marital bliss but I have that foundation of knowing that I made a great choice, that I did so affirmatively and with my whole heart and boy does that help during the rough times. And boy is it ESSENTIAL during the rough times. Have I gotten to the point where I am ready to throw in the towel -sure - the combo of PMS, sleep deprivation, disagreeing on parenting, your own parents being ill, passing away and being far away can do a number on your attitude and your tummy - but I haven't because I know, 100% that even if at that moment he'd better not even whistle one more time to himself or I will lose it, that I won't leave because I want to stay -not because of the negative "well we have a child so I will stay and work on things" but because I know why I married him and that we are right together, the end. And -the beginning.

Do NOT settle for your amazingly genuine, but negatively focused, intentions or the passive "well if I fell pregnant of course I would stay and be committed" - go into a marriage with your whole heart only and a joyful heart. Please.

 

Do NOT settle for your amazingly genuine, but negatively focused, intentions or the passive "well if I fell pregnant of course I would stay and be committed" - go into a marriage with your whole heart only and a joyful heart. Please.

Yep. If you feel pressured into an ultimatum of going all in or losing someone while you feel at all resistant to that, you'll very likely thank yourself later for losing that someone.

Head high.

Thank you Batya, I think I see what you are saying. That the fact you know you made a choice and a good one in your books, that you genuinely wanted to be with him rather than passively tagging along, all that helps you in times of adversity..is that what you meant?

I think I understand that in terms of accountability of our choices, we endure the consequences and revel in the joys more when we feel the masters of our experience.

Following that post I have made a good effort the last month, pretty much after that post. I decided to be less negative about him and allow myself to commit as much as I can. We have been getting on much better and are closer. I still haven't said I love you but this might have become this big word now that carries so much significance. He seems to be more reflective too, me being more committed has helped him relax a bit more and be more honest. I find myself being less judgmental and feeling closer to him. I still don't feel excited..I don't know if I should.

I thought of something today. I saw this really hot guy and quickly thought gosh, imagine kissing him and then that was followed with what if I was with him and he didn't want sex?

I realised..I can't handle having what I fully want because I am too scared to lose it. I am too scared of wanting a guy with my whole heart and something going wrong. I am well aware that my issues around commitment are abandonment issues and fears of betrayal and loss.

I will continue on this topic in my journal.

In terms of work, I have now settled into my jobs and handle them better. Some client work is still very strenuous but I am managing better overall.

The most pleasant outcome is that I found a free choir to attend! Due to my finances I couldn't pay for one and I have been searching and searching and auditioned for one, got turned down, I did a one off singing project for 5 weeks and now finally found one that is free. This makes me so happy because I REALLY need something fun to do. Ironically the choir is offered to mental health staff, volunteers and service users so I am still in that environment, AND it takes place in a hospital lolol (one of my jobs is in a hospital) But it's good, I really look forward to attending, being around people with mental health issues actually makes me feel relaxed because usual judgments are often suspended and I feel freer.

Thank you for your support, I will revisit the thread if any work/life issues re emerge.