Husband being a creep

Newlywed here. Home today, I was about to start cleaning my husbands room (we sleep in separate rooms due to different schedules and not wanting to wake the other, but now I'm wondering if this will have a long term negative effect on the relationship) because my cousin will be spending thanksgiving night with us and we needed a clean spare room. I came across two of his old cell phones in a bag that he usually takes with him to work. First off, my curiosity was peaked because of a conflict I had with him a couple of months ago (also peaked because he now carries around three cell phones with him, two of which only have internet access, no additional number tied to them) - I googled his name for kicks and found an account where he was signed up to see photos that voyeurs were sharing of women's chest and butts. So that was a problem for me because I find it incredibly creepy and disgusting that he would be interested in photos of unknowing women. He does watch porn which used to be a problem for me, but I tried to let it go as it didn't seem too harmful to us and I'm always hearing that "all" men do it. So whatever. Anyways, I'm not someone who regularly checks her mans stuff in fact I hadn't in over 2 years and back then it was also due to porn, but because he lied about losing a tablet of his so that he could protect and continue to feed his porn habit. My suspicion grows because I worry he might be capable of more. I may be insecure here but I've caught him in lies before and I don't think he does the best job of being trustworthy. Anyways I did look through his phone today and found a video taken 6 weeks ago of a woman he recorded in the gym. He then took screen shots of her butt and saved them. What's worse is that I WAS SITTING on the gym floor ten feet away from him while he was recording this woman!! I know because it shows a small clip of me stretching. Pissed, disrespected, disgusted are among the top few things I'm feeling but my biggest fear is that he is capable of doing worse. I've already confronted him about it and expressed my fear that this is one step below getting her number and pursuing it further. Am I wrong? Are some men limited to these obnoxious behaviors and capable of leaving it at that? It's completely unacceptable to me and I'm apalled that he did it in the first place. I'm also angry that he would have the nerve to disrespect another woman that way. We have done couples therapy before and I feel it may be necessary to recover from this. I want to trust him to the point where I don't feel compelled to look at his phone and I want him to be trustworthy to the point where he has absolutely nothing to hide on his phone. Bottom line I don't want to invade his privacy but as for this time, I am not sorry that I did because I feel I have a right to know who I married and I do not want these types of things in my marriage. I know how important trust is and I'm willing to work on my insecurity if he's willing to stop doing things that make me question his morals and commitment to me. I'm also worried he will try harder to hide things he doesn't want me to know about, rather than respect me enough to quit the crap altogether. Couple things - Am I overreacting? Is this "normal" for some people? Besides counseling, any recommendations for building trust in a relationship? He is capable of being a great man and treats me very well but in that moment I think he was being a terrible husband. What now?

Would like advice from those who may have similar experiences or from men who can tell me first hand what he was thinking to consider that okay, or the opposite if all men aren't like that...Thank you.

He shouldn't be a peeping tom. That's against the law...

He needs help big time for sex addiction or it's going to get worse.

Only he can fix himself but he needs to first accept that he has a problem.

Good luck.

Yup. He is being disgusting.

You are not overreacting but I think you are making a categorical error when you think recording women secretly is one step away from him cheating on you. Your main problem is not cheating or commitment here. Your husband is obviously someone who has some psychological or sexual issues that can lead him to violate laws - depending on the state- and in any case lead him to violate basic rules of human dignity. Simply, that woman can sue your husband and gyms can be likened to locker rooms and this can be regarded as something violating someone's privacy. Would your first concern be his cheating and commitment if you discovered that he started flashing?

What he does clearly shows that he cannot resist these urges and his mind is constantly busy with stuff like this.

Did he come up with the idea to separate rooms?

I would consult a therapist on my own if I were you to get a clearer picture of what may be awaiting me with this potentially great person.

You are very lucky to have discovered this early on. You sound like you are in shock and in denial.

or the opposite if all men aren't like that

How long did you know each other before you got married/lived together? No not normal. This is only the stuff you happened to find. That he wants separate bedrooms also not normal.

he is being creepy and has a serious issue. yes, the woman can press charges for being filmed without her consent. yes, bonus disgusto points for doing it steps away from his wife.

i'd say try the counseling thing again but look what a good use he put the first round of it to.

that and the fact he got you to sleep separately early on, and that perversions aren't something i'd have patience waiting for him to sort out (especially not given that he is enjoying them enough to not want them sorted out apparently), that he has no issue objectifying people to their detriment (if he posted the gym vid...or similar vids...i'd report the tool), no honesty, accountability or respect for personal boundaries...........................................................................yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeaaaaahhhhhh forgot what i was trying to say but i know where i was going: singleville if it were me.

J man I didn't intend to offend every man. Husband has a way of twisting his actions into "I was a stupid guy" - to which I responded nope, don't play that card. It does make me wonder sometimes if some men are just better at controlling their impulses.

Yes, I am in shock and denial and distraught because every way he acts to my face is contradictory to what he's done.

I rhetorically asked him what he would have done if somebody did that to me, and told him he basically should have had his a** kicked because that was someone else's girlfriend, wife, or daughter at least. He tried to tell me that he took the video to share with his buddy. Yeah, right. He screen shot the video after midnight soo I know what he did with them.

We mutually agreed to sleep separately but I'm second guessing that now. I feel I get better nights rest without his snoring and he always stays up too late, now I feel it's obvious why.

I am not sure if he is acknowledging this as a problem he has or just embarrassed because he got caught.

We have lived together for over a year, together for 3, married just over 2 months ago.

i'm sorry, sounds like he's just embarrassed he got caught unfortunately.

honestly, if he agreed to share beds now, could you do it?

Read my signature below

He showed you he is a peeping tom who shares pics of unsuspecting women on perv sites.

That is disgusting.

He has probably shared pics of you as well.

I would be packed & gone in a heart beat. No amount of counselling with help this issue.

Pack up while he is at work. Ban him from the gym. Get an annulment. You have a responsibility to protect yourself and others from being violated by his camera.

Thanks all. Had a huge blowout argument last night and he thinks what he did was legal because the women were clothed. He's downplaying it and it's making me sick. What's to stop him from going further if he can be a perv right in front of his wife and other gym members.. idk. He also said he asked 6 of his buddies and they all say I'm overreacting.. I said great, then you have a sick circle of friends. Extremely distraught today. Thank you for the honesty.

Be gone and inform the gym and show them pictures. This is disgusting.

Maybe he should ask 6 women he knows & see what answer he gets!!

He is playing the "boys will be boys" card. Dont let him get away with this.

This isnt what "normal" men do! This is an invasion of women's privacy & sharing it amungst others is just sick

Yea and if he asks 6 completely different men, they too will tell him it's sick. Most men don't do this or think this way. Can't believe he used the "my friends think it's ok" to justify it.

Be gone and inform the gym and show them pictures. This is disgusting.

Yes, exactly. It would be very damaging for the reputation of the gym if it became known that a creep like this was perving at its female members.

Also, I don't know any guys who would think this kind of stuff is OK.

Yeah... guess I married a voyeur and a liar. I am sick about it. We have a counseling appointment Monday but I'm not feeling very hopeful. I can't fathom how differently our minds can possibly be for him to think that was acceptable behavior or to act on his impulse to begin with. I wonder just how long it's been going on. I'm so disgusted but this teenie tiny piece of me is wondering if he's capable of changing. He's 24 - is age irrelevant when it comes to these psychological issues?? I know he has to be willing to change but I'm not sure he's admitted to himself he has a problem yet. We've barely spoken since the incident. I'm so angry that all the time and effort put into our relationship, and picture perfect wedding day is now tarnished. I'm thinking the man I married is someone who presented himself as someone who he thought I wanted to see vs. who he really is. I have always felt loved by him previously and he's got a super mushy soft spot when sharing with me how much I've enriched his life - is this fake? A put on? Our best friends who knew him long before me say that they know he's madly in love with me - how can our versions of love be so different? Does love have anything to do with his problem? I found the website he had previously registered under using his REAL name, how can this be legal??

I wrote a letter to him about all my feelings... I told him he has no respect for me, the woman he video'd, was not thinking how he could have lost his gym membership, his wife, his career, etc when he did that because I am sure if that woman's father was there he would've been arrested that day. He hasn't argued his defenses since. He claims he is selling his other two phones to a friend and he took the passcode off the one he uses. I also know when there's a will there's a way and if he's dumb enough to continue this awful garbage he will do it. For him to "recover" does he need to stop watching porn completely too?

Really struggling here. I do not want a man who requires checking up on. If I can't trust him 5 feet away from me on a gym floor to be a decent human being, how could I trust him period? On one hand I know I'm lucky to have learned this so early on, on the other hand I don't want to end my marriage so abruptly. So many questions for the psychiatrist.. he knows us and I know he will have a good grip on what's going on because I don't. I'm so frustrated. I will go to counseling by myself as well. If he doesn't go by himself am I wasting my time? Thinking out loud a lot here so thank you for "listening" and responding.

No, you are right. My first concern should be the moral wrongness of his actions and the offense he's committed against others.. thanks for the perspective. Hard to think clearly right now when I don't know who this man is anymore..

I see that the post i thought i posted is another one i lost... grrrr

OP

You are in a position to help others. Thank you for stepping up. Because of you, other women will not be violated by his camera. The gym will be the gym, instead yet one more place where cant go be real. From one woman to another I am grateful.

Under review.

*********

Thread re-opened.

There are some men that are just, "off". While I agree that many, if not most men look at porn, some get into what I consider unhealthy obsessive fetishes. One married guy I knew had like 30K photos of a certain celebrity, had CCTV cameras in EVERY room in his house, was always doing "favors" for other women (I presume for sex), and confessed to my wife that he masturbated to her profile picture, after which we cut off all contact with the guy.

The worst part about it is his poor wife just would not leave him. I found out later that he eventually divorced her and started dating an 18 year old (He's middle age). Yuck.

I personally, would seek an annulment. I don't see this ending well. But, regardless, this guy needs to see a therapist for sex addiction.

This is absolutely outrageous. If i found out my husband was perving on other women, never mind recording them for personal uses (with me in the gym right next to her?!) , I would be gone in a heartbeat. Creepy, disgusting, disrespectful to both you and the woman. To think that if he does that while you are still newlyweds, period when you're supposed to be obsessed with each other, imagine what's it going to be like after a few years of living together with the stress of children etc.? Don't even wanna think about it.

And he has the nerve to twist it on you and say YOU'RE the one overreacting?! He's lucky you're still giving him the time of day.

Perhaps this is a 'boys' things. Certainly not a decent MANs thing.

Quickly get him off the legal/illegal track because he's right, he can video people in public in the US. It's not about that it's about how creepy it is for your husband to be videoing women rears in a gym.

Getting high on the illegal horse (because it's not illegal in the US) is not to your benefit, however cut to the chase about how personally disgusting you find it and how pervy and creepy it is.

His fellow pervs are not a good jury for this. You are the wife and your feelings about this are more important than his posse of voyeurs and creepers. Tell him he's nothing more than a low life peeping tom.

he thinks what he did was legal because the women were clothed. What's to stop him from going further if he can be a perv right in front of his wife and other gym members.. idk. He also said he asked 6 of his buddies and they all say I'm overreacting.

Quickly get him off the legal/illegal track because he's right, he can video people in public in the US. It's not about that it's about how creepy it is for your husband to be videoing women rears in a gym.

 

Getting high on the illegal horse (because it's not illegal in the US) is not to your benefit, however cut to the chase about how personally disgusting you find it and how pervy and creepy it is.

 

His fellow pervs are not a good jury for this. You are the wife and your feelings about this are more important than his posse of voyeurs and creepers. Tell him he's nothing more than a low life peeping tom.

He will not agree with your assessment of his behavior so tell him for the purpose of expressing your own boundaries. Talk to a lawyer. Its unacceptable to you and is enough to cause you to exit. Show and tell the gym so that you can continue to go there in peace. Put this behind you and get counseling to help get through it.