Should I wait it out? Or move on?

Hello all,

I am in a fairly new relationship and need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. I am 40 years old and he is 41 years old. We have both been previously married and have children so we are very honest with where we stand and both agree that we aren't wasting time with anyone, at this age, that we don't see spending the rest of our lives with. We are madly in love with each other and have a very good relationship. We have a lot of fun together and communicate well so we don't have fights or bicker. He has mentioned on several occasions things like "when I propose" or "when we are married" that lead me to believe he is going to ask me to marry him one day. And of course, I will say yes. I feel like he is my soul mate. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him and want to spend everyday with him for the rest of my life. He treats me as if he feels the same way and tells me all the time that I am the love of his life. Life is good for us.

My issue is this... He lives about an hour away. He comes to visit every weekend on Friday evenings and stays with me until Monday mornings and he leaves to work. About 4 months ago he asked what my feelings were regarding moving in together. I told him at that time that I was definitely on board but felt it was too soon. I have 2 teenage daughters at home and I wanted to talk to them before making any major changes to our living arrangements. He also has children and wanted to talk to them as well. About 3 months ago I let my daughters know that he and I were planning to eventually move in together. They both were good with it and expressed how happy they were to see me with someone who made me so happy. He also had talks with his children, who do not live with him, about what his plans were and they reacted very similar as my kids. After discussing how our talks went with our kids we started talking about when each of us thought we should move in together. I told him that I wanted to move in together before the holidays and he agreed. This was 3 months ago and the holidays are upon us now. Since then he has mentioned that he needed to get some financial things in order before moving in together. He is paying a large amount in child support for his kids each month and told me yesterday that he can't move in with me right now because he can't contribute anything until his child support ends. That won't be until July 2017. I am so confused on what to do. I keep asking myself, why would he have brought it up 4 months ago knowing his financial burdens? Should I be more understanding? Am I being selfish wanting to be with him everyday and live together? I have been patient these past few months and have not brought it up because I didn't want him to feel I was pressuring him. I don't know what to do or how to feel about this. I love him and want him to move in and start living our lives together but I don't want to do that unless we are both contributing to our household but at the same time I don't want to wait another 8 or 9 months to do so. Am I wrong for feeling this way? A part of me wants to just push away but the other part of me says to just wait it out. I have never dated someone this long while living apart. I don't know if I can wait that long. What do you all think?

This is pretty complicated and I dont know the right answer. July 2017 is far away though, I would think he changed his mind about wanting to live together for some reason and so he's just pushing it off into the safely distant future. But i dont really know

Here's a question. Say July 2017 comes and he still has reasons he doesn't want to move in together. Are your feelings for him strong enough that it's worth staying with him even even if you dont live together?

That's the million dollar question! I don't know. Yes, I do love him and I feel like my feelings are very strong for him. But if I wait that long and then I get another excuse come July 2017.. I would probably ignore my feelings and walk away from the situation.

You sound happy but don't rush in at 10 mos. with kids and all. How is he supporting himself now? Do not rush this or let him move in without something in writing regarding his financial contribution as well as tenancy rights.

Why not date some more and let the relationship settle in more. Trying force two families together because of love or wanting to see each other more is not wise. It has to work on all levels, financial, the respective children etc. He may not want to be too far away from his kids or ex at this time.

Lay low and revisit this after dating a more reasonable length of time. Have you ever spent the weekend at his place in his town? How would this effect his commute and proximity to his kids? Those topics are more important than hallmark card holidays.

I told him that I wanted to move in together before the holidays and he agreed. This was 3 months ago and the holidays are upon us now. he can't move in with me right now because he can't contribute anything until his child support ends.

Thanks for your response. Yes, I have stayed with him on occasion. His work commute is the same from his house or my house. We have discussed this as well but I forgot to mention it in my original post.

What do you consider a more reasonable amount of time? At 40 years old I just don't want to waste any more time.

Ten months is too quick, especially when you add kids to the equation - I would think that two years may be better.

If it's meant to be. it will happen. It would be much better for him to get his finances together, and you start fresh.

whollay! whats the rush here??

You havent even been together a year... seriously. Slow this all down some!

YOU sound rather needy.. tbh. Push away... because he CAN'T give you what you want.. at this moment? C'mon...

What do you consider a more reasonable amount of time? At 40 years old I just don't want to waste any more time.

 

It is not a 'waste'.. sheesh!

I am 6 yrs older than you and am in NO rush to have someon 'Move right in'.. to my Life and my home.

 

You Take time.. to get to know him more.. and he with you and your kids.

 

What happens if you have a fall-out (disagreement) and he wants to move out..again??

Me and my ex had similar issues and talks. We almost moved in together at 11 months, financial concerns came up so we put it off. Thank goodness!! In my relationship with my ex a lot followed after our plans, discussions of living together, like we got to know one another, and we soon realized that money was the least of our problems. I'm in my 40's w two adult kids that live on their own, but are a daily part of my life, he too has 2 kids. Anyway, I am so lucky that we did not wind up moving in together before we made a year, because that would have been a disaster. We broke up close to being together for 2 years. I miss the hell out of him, but boy oh boy am I glad we didn't live together.........now if I could just get him out of my mind.

Thanks for the feedback. I guess I'm rushing things and need to slow down.

If it's a matter of finances, time without effort doesn't mean much. If he will be able to move in comfortably in mid-2017 without any former arrangements, I would wait. It's not such a long time to be honest. If he needs to arrange or structure other things, I would like to know his action plan because it's him who brought this issue up. If he is just making these comments but not taking solid action toward this - if this is needed- I wouldn't get attached to the idea because he will probably waste my time.

Have you heard from him?

I guess I'm rushing things and need to slow down.

Yes we talk daily. I haven't mentioned anything else about the situation. After reading all the responses I figured I needed to slow down and let things happen when they do.

I think you can bring this up around March, kind of midway. Don't worry too much about him making the suggestion first and then pulling back. Maybe he miscalculated the costs, said it in a moment of excitement or another financial situation came up. If he is playing or testing you, you will have many other chances to discover this (they seldom do stuff like this only once), just keep on listening to yourself and your gut.