Post-Break Up & Trying to Heal.

Welp. I'm hoping that starting a healing journal will help me move on (hopefully it won't add fuel to the continuous fire in my mind).

To start off, I'm twenty-one and a senior in college, with plans to attend law school at home in fall 2017. I've had two serious relationships in my life. The first one was for two years in high school and I'll admit that it wasn't necessarily the healthiest, but we were each other's "first;" first love, first intimacy, etc. I had a really hard time getting over him, who I will call "C," because my young identity was so wrapped up in our relationship. We would break up constantly and purposefully hurt each other before eventually getting back together. Things officially ended when we left for different colleges in different states. I still receive a drunken text or call from him from time to time, which just goes to show you that exs never truly forget you. Although I am 100% over him, it seems apparent that he has a difficult time letting go. He was often verbally abusive through texts during my first few years of college (mostly because I never reached out and was truly getting on with my life).

Fast-forward to my junior year of college. I'm taking nineteen hours of classes, involved in two internships, and an active member of my sorority. Likewise, I'm close with my friends and frequenting in the gym. I'm happy with myself and not looking for a relationship, but of course that's OBVIOUSLY when it happens. I had been friends with this guy, "M," since high school. We were relatively close and would text each other occasionally, maybe once a month. I never entertained the idea of having feelings for him, but, as he tells me later, he had a crush on me for forever. He goes to a different college that is about an hour for mine and is in our home town. However, he often comes to my school to go out on the weekends, as he has many friends here and it is a bigger school. I meet him out with my friends one night and he begins talking to me about a girl he has a crush on... suddenly, this sparks jealousy in me and I realize that I had been numbing my feelings for him. I'm haunted by these feelings and confess them the next day in a long text. I was happy with my life, so I knew I wouldn't be absolutely crushed if he didn't return the feelings BUT HE DID. We started off slowly and things just worked out perfectly between us - I attribute that to our solid friendship. The distance (one hour) was not at all an issue and we began dating the next month (February 2016).

I was beyond happy. And although I tried not to, I immediately compared it to my first relationship... and was happy to find that it was actually mature. We fell for each other and he never made me doubt anything. Meanwhile, I kept up with my busy schedule. Life was so good! I went home that summer and things continued the same way. I went on vacation with his family, and he accompanied me on mine. We went to the pool often, saw many movies and took a weekend trip to CedarPoint - which has to be some of my fondest memories with him. Some random fights came up (which I rationally know were mainly my fault), but all-in-all we were happy. I was still receiving the kind words and gestures. M is very logical, mature, and kind (which makes me feel even worse about ruining things). Towards the end of the summer, I was bored. I had quit my summer job and was looking forward to going back to school for my second-to-last semester.

In August, I was finally moved back in to school, and began struggling with what I now know was the start of my depression. I was much less involved in school (only taking 14 hours) and feeling very sluggish. I would come home from class and just lay in bed. This began to put a strain on my relationship with M. He became my sole source of happiness... I over-analyzed everything he did and started bitter fights over texting. I was fueled by my insecurity at him being away at a different school. Looking back, I should've occupied my time more and not fixated on my relationship because, honestly, he was trying his best to make me happy. We saw each other much less - once a weekend and most of the time we spent that night out at the bars with friends. I must mention that I have had a previous issue with drinking that resurfaced at this time. If I got too drunk, I would pick more fights with M. He began to pull away a little, which I noticed, and made me push more. One night in September he asked me to call him and I knew that he was going to try and end it. I was able to calmly tell him to just give it a second chance - I'd stop picking fights - and he agreed.

October --> I could tell our relationship was strained from that point onward. I was constantly concerned or worried that I would cause him to end it... which, subconsciously, I think I pushed him to it He came down to visit me for Halloween weekend. I could tell that I was feeling anxious. I drank too much that night and black-out me started a ridiculous fight with him at the bar.

October 29th. He broke up with me in the morning. I begged and pleaded miserably. I wanted M so desperately in my life. He wasn't hearing it... You keep telling me you'd change, and you haven't, he said. He told me that although he wanted to be with me, he didn't think he could anymore. He said that I seemed so unhappy with him and he thought that someone else could make me happier (which isn't true, because I big part of this is the depression). He left angrily, but no mean words were exchanged between us.

30th, I texted him a long message, just agreeing with the break-up and saying I needed the time to work on myself and overcome these issues (insecurity, jealousy, drinking, depression, etc LOL MY LIFE). I apologized and told him how much I cared about him. I asked that he try not to give up on us in the meantime. He said that he appreciated everything and that he "thinks its a good idea if we kind of work on ourselves and re-evaluate in the future later on. You're an amazing girl, I want you to know that." I then asked, "So you'd be willing to not give up? And to talk in the future?" He said, "I'm willing to talk, but I need to work on myself right now." I said okay and nicely ended the convo. He (surprisingly) texted me Halloween night and we had a casual convo, to which he ended it with "well we hadn't talked today so I wanted to say goodnight before I went to sleep! Sweet dreams." It totally confused me. I didn't hear from him the rest of the week. I texted him that saturday to check in and see how his week went. He was nice and responded quickly, but I immediately regretted the convo because it didn't get me what I wanted (another chance).

It has now been 2.5 weeks since the BU. I am in 13 days of NC. We are still in a relationship on facebook, he has not blocked me or removed any pictures. I am very sad, but every day gets better. I have started counseling and medication for my depression. I have also been sober since our BU and got a new job. I struggle every single day not to reach out to him. I know he needs space. But what if he forgets me? Or gives up? I struggle to make this time be about me. The mornings are the worst.

November 18th --> 4:41 pm.

I'm so thankful that I work tonight and can keep him off my mind. I love him dearly and I hate to see that my emotional immaturity ruined things with a great guy.

-Please feel free to comment if you feel inclined to do so -

I want a do-over SO BADLY. I know I messed up. I know I have problems to fix, but it honestly feels like he doesn't even care. Not a word from him in three weeks. I try so hard to tell myself that if it's meant to be, it will be (cliche, I know), but my heart hurts. I've been trying not to think of the good memories... all it does is make me miss him more. Why couldn't we have started this five years down the road? I can't help, but feel like it was truly bad timing

11.20.16 5:30 pm

I thought that starting my new job today would keep me distracted, and, for the most part, it did. But I also thought more about M today than I did yesterday. I deleted all of my social media apps yesterday. I'm hoping that this will help me heal faster. However, I did check Facebook once today and my ex STILL has us in a relationship. I haven't changed mine and I'm not planning on it until he does first. I know it shouldn't... but it's giving me hope. I miss him so much. I contemplated texting him today... WHY DON'T YOU MISS ME? WHY HAVEN'T YOU STARTED A CONVO WITH ME IN NEARLY 21 DAYS? Are you seriously okay with this? Don't you wonder about me? I'm working on myself, but I want you. I miss your embrace and the way you can make me laugh about anything. I miss our weekly trips to the theater. And that amazing trip to Cedar Point that I will NEVER forget.

Just give this another shot please. Give us a chance. I won't forget you.

Update 11.22.16

I'm pretty crushed. He texted me today and wanted to meet up to have coffee. I (stupidly) got my hopes up about the situation. We met and it felt like old times. There was great chemistry between us and the convo flowed easily. He then asked me what I thought about is. I told him that maybe we needed more space, but I wanted to take things slow. To be honest, I was just eager to get him back even though i know I'm not ready yet. I asked him what he thought. He said: "I think we need more time but i don't want to use the word space because I don't want you waiting around for me. If we get together in the future I want us to have a whole new relationship" and I was like "but when is that gonna be?" and he told me he didn't know. He said he couldn't give his all in a relationship right now and didn't know why. I told him that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't move on. And he said he knew this. I also told him that he couldn't reach out to me. He said he didn't want us to be "strangers" and wanted to be able to say hi if we saw each other. I told him that I couldn't be his friend and I would be best if we didn't interact in person at all, but I would be civil. I didn't beg or cry in front of him. But I asked him why he had to tell me this in person when we had basically already agreed on it. He said he felt like he had been keeping me in limbo and thought he owed me the decency of telling me face-to-face... But it honestly just brought all of my feelings back and made it harder. I told him that I wished him well and left.

I immediately broke down in the car. I am so distraught. I know that my only choice is to commit to NC officially. I took our relationship off of Facebook and unfriended him and his family. I'm not angry. Just immensely sad. And confused about why he even had to meet with me and get my hopes up like that. Anyone's kind words would be helpful right now.

hi, im sorry youre going through this. im in a similar place right now and reached out to my ex over the weekend to try and save our relationship only to be told again that he didnt love me.

ive been reading on the net, searching for something to help, and little bits do, but in the end i decided, as i think you need to, that if this person really doesnt appreciate me, doesnt love me, isnt willing to work on the relationship then i have to stop. stop torturing myself every day by hoping, by analysing, thinking about him, wondering.

the saying that 'if you love someone set them free, if they come back theyre yours, if they dont then they never were' is saved as my screen save on my phine so i see it several times a day. this is so true and i need to remind myself.

the longer we try to get the result we want by meeting with them, reasoning, talking... the more we devalue ourselves. its time to forget about his needs and focus on yours. This is YOUR life, you deserve people in it who are ging to make you feel better not worse, so draw a line under this now, start again with the nc, and focus on you, what you need and what you want. you dont want to feel rejected over and over, or needy, or pitied... who the hell does he think he is? be angry, be strong, know youre worth more than this and know that HE WILL realise that when you are no longer available to him, and by that time you will no longer care what they hell he thinks or wants!

hi, im sorry youre going through this. im in a similar place right now and reached out to my ex over the weekend to try and save our relationship only to be told again that he didnt love me.

 

ive been reading on the net, searching for something to help, and little bits do, but in the end i decided, as i think you need to, that if this person really doesnt appreciate me, doesnt love me, isnt willing to work on the relationship then i have to stop. stop torturing myself every day by hoping, by analysing, thinking about him, wondering.

 

the saying that 'if you love someone set them free, if they come back theyre yours, if they dont then they never were' is saved as my screen save on my phine so i see it several times a day. this is so true and i need to remind myself.

 

the longer we try to get the result we want by meeting with them, reasoning, talking... the more we devalue ourselves. its time to forget about his needs and focus on yours. This is YOUR life, you deserve people in it who are ging to make you feel better not worse, so draw a line under this now, start again with the nc, and focus on you, what you need and what you want. you dont want to feel rejected over and over, or needy, or pitied... who the hell does he think he is? be angry, be strong, know youre worth more than this and know that HE WILL realise that when you are no longer available to him, and by that time you will no longer care what they hell he thinks or wants!

Tinkyonks, thank you so much for your response. I just wanted to let you know that it made me feel stronger tonight. You're so right. I need to do this for ME. We both do. My purpose for full NC is to heal myself because I need to love myself more than him. I'm also so sorry that you're going through this too. I know how difficult it is and how much it hurts. I'm sure you've been tempted to reach out again, as have I. But we can't. They don't deserve anything from us the second they decided to walk away.

The sad part is (and I still struggle to consider my ex a bad person) I think they are both able to easily reject us because we are begging. But by no longer giving them the satisfaction of contacting them, we are turning the tables. We are in control.

I also think that the quote you pointed out rings true. I've been repeating another one in my head lately. "Everything happens for a reason." Because honestly there is gonna be a day where we will both be able to look back on these hard times and know WHY they had to happen. We will ultimately come out stronger and wiser.

NC Day 1 (again).

I cried myself to sleep last night for hours...

I worked a double shift today for the sole reason that I knew if I sat at home, I'd go crazy. Now I'm too exhausted to cry tonight which gives me some satisfaction. Every time the image of him comes up in my mind, I shut it out. I'll have fleeting moments of sadness, but my work kept me from letting them stay around (thank goodness for holiday shopping).

Tonight is a really big night in my city for people to go to the bars. I KNOW that is what my ex will be doing. Happy-go-lucky with all of his frat bros. Hooraah. You're "not ready to be in a relationship right now." Yet you had no problem asking me out almost a year ago. You'll never find what we had again. Good luck buddy.

Definitely angry now.

I can't wait until the day that you regret letting me go and I'll be fully moved on. Too late for you.

NC Day 2 (morning) thanksgiving.

I've been awake for a little while now and laying in bed thinking.

You told me two days ago that you stopped giving your all in our relationship and, looking back, I think I sensed that. Maybe that's why I started picking more fights than normal.

My move back to college (one hour distance between us) in August put a great strain on our relationship. I became insecure and the texting didn't feel like enough for me so I became angry towards you.

September - Pref Night, which was a big dinner for your fraternity that you asked me to attend with you, was the last time I felt like you were still giving it your all (looking back). You were extremely loving towards me. I remember smiling as you reached for my hand in the car full of all of our friends. You asked to spend a Thanksgiving with me and my family. J and B both took pictures of us and snapchatted: "the happy couple" and "relationship goals." You got more drunk as the night went on and kept telling me how much you loved me, whispering it in my ear over and over again.

When did you stop loving me? When you stopped giving it your all?

I don't know if you'll ever love me again or if those feelings will ever resurface for you. And that hurts.

But I know what I have to do.

Leave you be. Work on myself and do my best not to look at anything that reminds me of you. I don't regret us, but I wish I could do it over.

hey mmmc28, how are you holding up?

i hope you feel better soon and keep going with the nc, i believe its the only thing that works. helps get them off the pedestal they dont deserve to be on.

hey mmmc28, how are you holding up?

 

i hope you feel better soon and keep going with the nc, i believe its the only thing that works. helps get them off the pedestal they dont deserve to be on.

Hey there, Tinkyonks. I'm okay, considering! I've been honestly trying to keep myself extremely busy. He's slowly coming down from that pedestal, but I can't say it's been the easiest. NC is still going. I haven't looked at his social media and that helps. Getting my independence back.

I'm coming to terms with the possibility of never hearing from him again.

How are you?? Thanks for reaching out again.

Is all this a nice distraction from everything else? Seems like your life is hetic busy and this BF drama is a nice break from your own life. Wrap yourself up in his so you dont have to face yours.

Please see that there are TONS of guys out there and great guys that would love to be with someone like you. From my point of view I see you as too busy to be able to devote quality time to anyone but yourself. Right now you are too involved with other things. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but you are trying to juggle your life and the life of another person in there. Your own life is so busy with school, work, homework, gym, friends and now you want to add this other element in there, its just not working.

You are a remarkable person and any guy would be lucky to be with you, when you are not so busy. I mean, you are going to be a lawyer and a good one at that. You have tremendous work ethic, you are not lazy and you seem like a good person. But now its time to focus in on what YOU have to do and not have to worry about another person.

Just enjoy being single and free to do what you want. When you are done with school or not so busy, you can possibly re-connect with this guy. But now is just not the right time.

In the end, you are going to be great.

Is all this a nice distraction from everything else? Seems like your life is hetic busy and this BF drama is a nice break from your own life. Wrap yourself up in his so you dont have to face yours.

Please see that there are TONS of guys out there and great guys that would love to be with someone like you. From my point of view I see you as too busy to be able to devote quality time to anyone but yourself. Right now you are too involved with other things. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but you are trying to juggle your life and the life of another person in there. Your own life is so busy with school, work, homework, gym, friends and now you want to add this other element in there, its just not working.

 

You are a remarkable person and any guy would be lucky to be with you, when you are not so busy. I mean, you are going to be a lawyer and a good one at that. You have tremendous work ethic, you are not lazy and you seem like a good person. But now its time to focus in on what YOU have to do and not have to worry about another person.

 

Just enjoy being single and free to do what you want. When you are done with school or not so busy, you can possibly re-connect with this guy. But now is just not the right time.

 

In the end, you are going to be great.

It is possible, although towards the end of our relationship I wasn't as busy as I typically am and that proved to be mentally and emotionally detrimental to me. Staying busy keeps me sane. All I know is I still truly care about him. But I love myself too and more.

Maybe the timing is off. Perhaps he just can't be in my life at this very moment.

I appreciate you telling me all of this! It brightened my day. Yes, there are plenty of others out there, which makes me wish I wasn't caught up on this one.

I'm just trying to stay positive and optimistic that everything will happen as it should eventually. I just hate not knowing what the future holds. For now, I'm trying my best to focus on myself - No contact has worked wonders for this so far. I have not faltered!

Thank you for your insight and your interest in my thread, No1!

NC Day 3

Well.. I felt so much stronger earlier once again, I'm sad and questioning all of it. I broke down in the car on the way home. Maybe it's because I didn't work today.

I keep thinking of the fact that he told me he "couldn't give his all in a relationship right now," but really that means he can't give his all in a relationship with ME.

Ouch.

Everyone keeps saying to find someone who "cherishes" you and that's fine, but he USED to.. why do I feel like the next guy will just eventually stop cherishing me too?

How can I maintain a long relationship? Is it me?

Ugh.

Why wasn't I enough...

NC Day 4.

I'm falling apart. I can't remember the last time I've cried so hard. I love him so much. Why wasn't I enough? How is he okay? I know he feels ZERO urge to reach out to me. He could care less what I am doing. God I think I can feel my heart breaking.

We talked about our futures together. I remember the first time he told me he loved me.

I don't know how I'm gonna get through this.

NC Day 4.

 

I'm falling apart. I can't remember the last time I've cried so hard. I love him so much. Why wasn't I enough? How is he okay? I know he feels ZERO urge to reach out to me. He could care less what I am doing. God I think I can feel my heart breaking.

 

We talked about our futures together. I remember the first time he told me he loved me.

 

I don't know how I'm gonna get through this.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I'm on week 3 of NC and today has been rough for me too. When going through NC it's easy to put the ex on a pedestal because you miss them so much. When I start to feel really low I make a list of everything he did that was wrong to me. It helps keep me in NC. Allow yourself to feel everything, cry it out and let it go. The more you allow yourself to feel it the faster you are on the road to healing. Take care of yourself, go for a walk, listen to your favorite music, get a massage, spend time with people who love you, etc. Stay strong. I'm hurting too but we will get through this!

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I'm on week 3 of NC and today has been rough for me too. When going through NC it's easy to put the ex on a pedestal because you miss them so much. When I start to feel really low I make a list of everything he did that was wrong to me. It helps keep me in NC. Allow yourself to feel everything, cry it out and let it go. The more you allow yourself to feel it the faster you are on the road to healing. Take care of yourself, go for a walk, listen to your favorite music, get a massage, spend time with people who love you, etc. Stay strong. I'm hurting too but we will get through this!

I am so sorry that you are hurting also at least we know that we are not alone in all of this. Three weeks is such an accomplishment, good for you! I had a really rough time today because I saw a picture of him by accident on snapchat (a friend's account) and it tore me apart. As long as I don't see his face, I'm okay. Work has kept me really distracted. You're right, crying it out was very cathartic. I've been crying less and less. I still have my moments though.

We will come out stronger for this, I know it. I am also thankful to have found this site. I don't know how I would get through it otherwise.

NC Day 5 (technically). 12 am.

I've decided that I no longer want to be the victim. Perhaps this is a fleeting thought or mindset. Who knows.

I need to focus on myself and move on. Yes, reconciliation would be nice, but who knows what is waiting for me around the corner? Maybe the person I'm actually supposed to be with. I care deeply for M, but I can't make him want to be with me. I think that I am going to pick a time of the day to allow myself to ruminate for a specific amount of time and tell myself that is it for the day. I deleted my social media apps (I already unfriended him on everything) and I'm gonna keep them off my phone until the 30 days are up. I bought the audio version of The Secret. I'm gonna make a strong effort to do something physical/work out every single day. This is the time to work on me! Ultimately, it will be a learning experience. I want to handle my next relationship in a much more mature manner.

Positive note there is a really cute and nice guy at my work, I'll call him A. He makes an obvious effort to get to know me (I'm new) and the flirting is a nice confidence boost! It's nothing serious at all, but definitely made my night tonight.

I've decided to make a list of the qualities that I want in a future spouse:

Compassionate/sensitive

Intelligent and motivated!

Witty/funny

Confident, but humble

Wants kids and loves animals

It would also be great if we had the same love language (words of affirmation), but I would settle for my #2 which is physical touch

Hmmm am I asking for too much? Idk, but like attracts like and I'm staying optimistic!

Well, it has officially been month since we broke up and 5 days NC.

Today was a great day. I spent most of it shopping with my mom and cleaning. I stayed busy and occupied. It's unbelievable how much STRICT (no social media) no contact has helped me. I'm absolutely fine as long as I don't see a picture of him! I hope I can keep this up.

Mentally, I've grown stronger. I've realized that ultimately I need to move on, regardless of a future reconciliation. I'm doing this for me, because all I have is me. I totally believe in what's meant to be will be, so why think about the "what ifs" anymore? I have no idea what he's up to or if he's thinking of me. But that is absolutely fine.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Plus, I've learned how NOT to be in a relationship.. no more picking fights and clinginess. If he wants me back, he has to prove that he's gonna put his all in; just like I have to prove that I don't wanna pick fights anymore.

Seriously, I'm focusing on myself and trying to move on. I've been doing some self-improvement reading and bought a bunch of new clothes. I've also been getting up in the morning and trying to look nice with makeup and my hair done - it does wonders for my self-confidence.

I think if I never hear from him again, I'll be okay. I'll know it wasn't meant to be and there was someone out there better meant for me.

Regardless, this experience was a blessing in disguise.

Well, it has officially been month since we broke up and 5 days NC.

 

Today was a great day. I spent most of it shopping with my mom and cleaning. I stayed busy and occupied. It's unbelievable how much STRICT (no social media) no contact has helped me. I'm absolutely fine as long as I don't see a picture of him! I hope I can keep this up.

 

Mentally, I've grown stronger. I've realized that ultimately I need to move on, regardless of a future reconciliation. I'm doing this for me, because all I have is me. I totally believe in what's meant to be will be, so why think about the "what ifs" anymore? I have no idea what he's up to or if he's thinking of me. But that is absolutely fine.

 

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Plus, I've learned how NOT to be in a relationship.. no more picking fights and clinginess. If he wants me back, he has to prove that he's gonna put his all in; just like I have to prove that I don't wanna pick fights anymore.

 

Seriously, I'm focusing on myself and trying to move on. I've been doing some self-improvement reading and bought a bunch of new clothes. I've also been getting up in the morning and trying to look nice with makeup and my hair done - it does wonders for my self-confidence.

 

I think if I never hear from him again, I'll be okay. I'll know it wasn't meant to be and there was someone out there better meant for me.

 

Regardless, this experience was a blessing in disguise.

I am glad to hear that you had a good day! Remember how you are feeling today when and if a bad day comes again. I did not have a great day and probably because I was just sitting around at home. I thought about him a lot and felt really sad and slept a good part of the day. Tomorrow will be better!

Hey there, vmrhine18! I'm sorry to hear about the day you had.. I think we will both have good and bad days for a while until we get through all this.

Staying busy has been very helpful. The first three weeks I slept constantly and ate barely anything.

It is unfortunate that you thought about him a lot.. that's how I was yesterday. Are you doing NC?

WE CAN DO THIS. Everything happens for a reason.

Hey there, vmrhine18! I'm sorry to hear about the day you had.. I think we will both have good and bad days for a while until we get through all this.

 

Staying busy has been very helpful. The first three weeks I slept constantly and ate barely anything.

 

It is unfortunate that you thought about him a lot.. that's how I was yesterday. Are you doing NC?

 

WE CAN DO THIS. Everything happens for a reason.

Yes I have stayed strong with NC. Tomorrow will be three weeks since I've last spoken to him. I will not give in because I think it would be too painful to be ignored or rejected again. I have been avoiding social media too. Weekends are harder for me especially when I don't have plans. During the work week I can keep my mind busy. A break up is sort of like a death in a way and you have to go through the grieving process. You are right, we can do this! One day at a time.

Ah yes, now I remember you saying that you were at about 3 weeks. Good for you! Has it gotten any easier? Fingers crossed for my sake that it has..

You're right about the grieving process. I looked up the five stages of grief and could find myself in each one at different times. I was in denial for quite some time and I think I'm slowly finding my way to acceptance because I've realized that I CAN live without him, but I'm still sad at times. Yes, I won't give in either because I also think it would be painful to be rejected again, plus we are worth more than that! We should be with people who want to be with us - although we still miss them.

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NC Day 6

Today wasn't bad. I'm still sad occasionally and I almost just looked at his Facebook page on my computer BUT DIDN'T! I knew that I wouldn't get satisfaction out of it and it would just hurt me. I've developed a bad shopping habit as of late and I think I'm subconsciously using it to distract myself. But I guess there could be worse things lol

I'm honestly suppressing the image of him and memories from my mind... Could that be bad? Does that mean I'm not working through the healing process? I have a feeling that the anti-depressants that I've started taking are finally taking full effect. They numb me a little, which I'm not complaining about at all because they only numb the bad (i.e. anxiety, sadness, etc). I'm still capable of happiness and smiling and laughing. On Saturday, I forgot to take one in the morning and that is when I had my freakout/sob-fest in the car... So I am thinking there is a correlation.

It helps me to almost pretend like he doesn't exist. I'm not worried about what he's doing because he's not mine anymore and I feel no obligation to... No social media really helps. I feel so much relief no longer searching his name. This makes me wonder why I become that crazy jealous person in relationships. I ordered a book on the three types of attachment in love, and it should be delivered on Thursday. I think that this will be an eye-opening book for me and hopefully give me methods to overcome my anxious attachment in future relationships.

What are people's opinions on rebound relationships? If I find myself interested in another guy, I don't necessarily want him to be a rebound; I want him to be the real deal, so should I wait a couple weeks/months? Just a thought this evening.

Anyway, I'm far from over M. And I feel like we could reunite down the line... but it's completely out of my hands and I'm fully intending on living my life in the meantime.

One week NC.

Well today started off pretty sucky. I had a dream about M last night and all those images that I've been ignoring were present in the dream. I woke up so sad. The saddest I've been in three days. But I guess I'll have a lot of ups and downs during this process.

I had to head back to school today and for some reason, being here just reminds me of him. Which is odd because he doesn't even go to my same school. I wonder how he is.. or if he's even sad. He probably isn't. He was fine during our convo in the coffee shop. Maybe he just fell out of love with me.

I know I need to focus on myself, but my thoughts drift to him often. I seriously have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I need to have faith. I will make it to the other side of this, with or without him.

1:05pm

NC Day 2 (morning) thanksgiving.

 

I've been awake for a little while now and laying in bed thinking.

 

You told me two days ago that you stopped giving your all in our relationship and, looking back, I think I sensed that. Maybe that's why I started picking more fights than normal.

 

My move back to college (one hour distance between us) in August put a great strain on our relationship. I became insecure and the texting didn't feel like enough for me so I became angry towards you.

 

September - Pref Night, which was a big dinner for your fraternity that you asked me to attend with you, was the last time I felt like you were still giving it your all (looking back). You were extremely loving towards me. I remember smiling as you reached for my hand in the car full of all of our friends. You asked to spend a Thanksgiving with me and my family. J and B both took pictures of us and snapchatted: "the happy couple" and "relationship goals." You got more drunk as the night went on and kept telling me how much you loved me, whispering it in my ear over and over again.

 

When did you stop loving me? When you stopped giving it your all?

 

I don't know if you'll ever love me again or if those feelings will ever resurface for you. And that hurts.

 

But I know what I have to do.

 

Leave you be. Work on myself and do my best not to look at anything that reminds me of you. I don't regret us, but I wish I could do it over.

That was tough to read.... Sounds to me like he's missing out on a great girl! Keep yourself busy and just work on yourself.

One week NC.

 

Well today started off pretty sucky. I had a dream about M last night and all those images that I've been ignoring were present in the dream. I woke up so sad. The saddest I've been in three days. But I guess I'll have a lot of ups and downs during this process.

 

I had to head back to school today and for some reason, being here just reminds me of him. Which is odd because he doesn't even go to my same school. I wonder how he is.. or if he's even sad. He probably isn't. He was fine during our convo in the coffee shop. Maybe he just fell out of love with me.

 

I know I need to focus on myself, but my thoughts drift to him often. I seriously have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I need to have faith. I will make it to the other side of this, with or without him.

 

1:05pm

Sorry to hear that the day didn't start out that great. Congrats on making it one week. The first week is always the hardest. You are right there will be lots of ups and downs. I've gone back and forth a lot today. One minute I'm fine, talking with my friends and laughing just like my old self but then something will remind me of him and I get either sad or angry. I'm torn....part of me is secretly hoping he is thinking about me and reaches out to me soon because I miss him like crazy and part of me is hoping that he doesn't because I'm angry that it has been so easy for him to forget about me and I don't want any of my healing process interrupted.