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Thread: He Has a Wall Around His Heart. We Are Broken Up. Should I Reach Out to Him?

  1. #1

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    He Has a Wall Around His Heart. We Are Broken Up. Should I Reach Out to Him?

    Hello everyone,

    I have been seeing a man on and off for two years now. I am 24 and he is 46. He has two kids from his ex wife, they are 9 and 6 years old. (I have never met the kids). At first, our relationship was only sexual and nothing more. He was recently divorced and said he wasn't looking for anything serious. However, as time went on, we started getting closer to each other. We began going out, confiding in each other and developed a strong bond. We started dating and all was going well, or so I thought. We've had some rough patches but managed to get through them. The main issue we have faced is our communication and his lack of emotion. Sometimes I text him to say hi and see how his day is going, and he does not respond for hours and hours. Sometimes he does not respond until the next day which causes me to worry and wonder if he is okay. I have explained to him about how I need him to communicate with me so that I am not left guessing and his response is always the same. He says he is stressed and busy with work and his kids, and doesn't have a lot of time. I try to be understanding but it is frustrating because I make more of an effort than him. If I do not practically beg to see him, we will go weeks without seeing each other. He does not seem bothered by this. When I do see him, I feel the wrath of his stress and problems. He rarely shows affection or emotion towards me. To this day, we have only said I love you once. We used to cuddle and hold each other, but haven't done so in months. Even though he is physically in front of me, I feel that his mind and attention are elsewhere. I am not perfect, but I am good to him. I always ask about his kids and how they are doing. I am always asking him what can I do to make things better so that he is not so stressed. Everything is mainly about him. I have done almost everything he has ever asked of me. I do not ask for anything from him except for his time. I truly enjoy spending time with him, I just wish that he would not push me away when I try to get close to him. I do not have a whole lot to offer him, but I have a huge heart to love him with. I cannot seem to get him to understand that. It just seems like he has a brick wall around his heart and is refusing me access.

    A few weeks ago, we had a falling out. I was upset and he asked what was bothering me. I could not hold in my feelings any longer. I calmly explained to him about how I felt, hoping he would understand. Instead, he became angry and told me that he will never have more time for me and that I was being unfair. He said he had no idea why I was so emotional and did not want to hear anything else I had to say. I had enough of his treatment towards me and broke up with him. That was three weeks ago. We have not seen or spoken to each other since. Part of me misses him and part of me does not. Sometimes I think about him and our happy moments together, and then I become angry at the way he treated me. Sometimes I cry, and other days I am perfectly fine and happy. I do not know what or how to feel. I am confused. I still love him. I am unsure if I should reach out to him or not. I am not one to just give up when things get tough, which is why I did not break up with him sooner. I felt like I had to break up with him though.

    Am I being unfair like he said? Why would he push me away? Should I contact him? What should I do? Thank you everyone in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member greta96's Avatar
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    Oh girl, no of course you are not being unfair, are you kidding? I doubt he was in for the long run, and it makes perfect sense because the two of you are at completely different stages in life. Plus, he sounds like a bit of an a$$ to be honest.
    You are dead wrong about "I do not have a whole lot to offer him", in fact you do have quite a lot to give and you've given him plenty, even if he didn't deserve it. You gave him your youth, your heart, sex, love, support, understanding... what more can one ask for?
    Your mistake was this: " Everything is mainly about him. I have done almost everything he has ever asked of me.". Never lose yourself in a relationship, and never, ever make it only about him (your partner). It may look like that's what men want, and some probably do, but most men like a woman who knows who she is and who doesn't jump through hoops to be with them. You need to let your own personality shine through, your wants, your desires, your boundaries... you just can't let your partner be the center of your universe. Your relationship needs to be about *you* too!

    Please, do not contact him. Once the pain of the breakup fades, you'll realize how much better off you are without him. You will be free to meet a guy your age, full of energy, no baggage, who will make you a thousand times happier than this older man ever could - or wanted to. You really deserve so much more!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    " I have explained to him about how I need him to communicate with me so that I am not left guessing and his response is always the same. He says he is stressed and busy with work and his kids, and doesn't have a lot of time. I try to be understanding but it is frustrating because I make more of an effort than him. If I do not practically beg to see him, we will go weeks without seeing each other. He does not seem bothered by this. When I do see him, I feel the wrath of his stress and problems. He rarely shows affection or emotion towards me."

    - Sounds to me like YOU have been his emotional crutch.

    things are not progressing the way you want them.. or should be. To go WEEKS with nothing? I would have walked long ago.

    "he became angry and told me that he will never have more time for me and that I was being unfair."
    - His selfishness... IF you were important.. he would make the time for you.

    He pushed you away.. because he cannot 'give' to you.

    Walk.. keep walking. When you are healed from this.. maybe look for someone to be in your Life who does want you in theirs and maybe similar life styles? Not a divorcing man with kids in tow.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    He Has a Wall Around His Heart. We Are Broken Up. Should I Reach Out to Him?
    No. Don't get sucked into your own wounded bird fantasy. When someone mistreats you, don't try to 'fix' them, walk away.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. unfortunately he told you straight up he's "not looking for anything serious' and has placed you in the plaything category. Why has the relationship been "on/off" all this time?

    You need to end this and stop being a sex plaything and punching bag for his divorce "stress". Find a guy who is not married or recently divorce or has kids, a family etc. and who will treat you with respect and not keep pushing you.

    By accepting his shabby treatment and being the girl on the side he has zero feeling or respect for you.
    Originally Posted by freesoul
    I have been seeing a man on and off for two years now. I am 24 and he is 46. I have never met the kids. He was recently divorced and said he wasn't looking for anything serious. we will go weeks without seeing each other. I feel the wrath of his stress and problems.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Sim54's Avatar
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    I know this is old, but just reading this made me sad. I have recently been in the exact opposite situation. I am 45 and started dating a 24 year old in my home country (I live abroad). It didn't last long. She also said she wasn't totally available for a relationship as she'd just broken up with someone, and we should take it slow. But she was very affectionate, lot's of 'love' talk, talk about the future, very intimate very quickly (Which I tried to resist and slow down but couldn't). Then long distance, her communication became erratic just like this guy. Not responding so quickly. I made sure I was always available to her, sound on my phone, answer quickly. I knew she was anxious and feeling vulnerable with me so I was very careful to always be available to her. In return she would sometimes disappear form a text convo with out saying bye, leaving my hanging for hours.

    She broke it off after 2 months saying I had pressured her into a relationship and here I am 3 months later still heartbroken.

    People said it's because of her age, but here YOU are, obviously a loving, caring young woman, ready to step up and be available in an adult relationship, but you got a silly man who can't see how lucky he is to get the attention of someone like you.

    I would have loved my recent girl to have been like you so much!!!

    I hope you have moved on and found someone who respects you and cares for you as much as you care for them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sim54
    People said it's because of her age, but here YOU are, obviously a loving, caring young woman, ready to step up and be available in an adult relationship, but you got a silly man who can't see how lucky he is to get the attention of someone like you.
    Not necessarily. This young woman may have been someone inexperienced and/ or with daddy issues, or she would not have withstood such poor treatment for so long. People who are "ready to step up and be available in an adult relationship" are mature enough to not put up with such poor treatment. Had she been older/more experienced maybe she would not have wasted her time being mistreated like that. As for your case, your ex told you from the start that she "wasn't totally available for a relationship as she'd just broken up with someone". You knew from the start based on her words and actions that you risked being a rebound yet you persisted. You may want to reflect on what made you ignore such blatant red flags, or you risk repeating the same mistake in the future.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Sim54's Avatar
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    Hi Clio, interesting points. I can't speak for the OP, but for myself my ex behaved in a confusing way. Well, her exact words in the beginning were 'I can't give you all of myself right now, we can be some kind of friends, non committed and non monogamous.'
    I was ok with that, as I wan't looking for anything serious, but she then went on to become fairly intense with me, texting every day, saying she missed me, talking about us maybe living together some time next year (this summer). She told me she kept fantasising about being in my arms. She told me being held by me felt like home and that she'd not felt that way about a man before. She was in an airport once, messaging me, saying she was looking at all the couples around her and wishing I was there with her. She told me she wanted to build something, and to take it slow.

    So, I think I can be forgiven for thinking from all that, that she was more available than she had first said. I was ok taking things slow, and tried, in fact to reduce the amount of contact we had as it was a bit intense, but when I suggested we not speak for a few days she insisted on continuing to text me.

    In the end, yes, of course, I am responsible for my decision to invest more than I perhaps should have, but her behaviour initially made me think she really liked me and was already 'fantasising' about us being together as a couple in the nearish future.

    For me, I really liked her and despite trying to hold onto myself, I let myself go and get over attached way too soon. That's my issue and I have to work on that. It's only the second time in my life that I've met someone I really liked and started to fall for and felt that they liked me the same way. Both times I have been dumped quickly and harshly and they have moved on very fast to someone else. I see i am attracted to a certain type of woman who is very keen, very attracted, very intense and then vanishes. I'm sure I push them away by being too intense myself.

    One more thing, I also had just come out of a 3 year rs about 6 weeks before meeting this girl. As I said, I wasn't looking for anything, and just wanted to get to know this interesting person. I was pretty shocked at how hard I fell for her. Once we had kissed, I was sunk. It felt so good to be close to her. I hadn't felt like that about someone in 10 years.

    Thanks for your thoughts.
    Last edited by Sim54; 05-03-2017 at 09:18 AM.


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