seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 So I recently met this man. He is very attractive, we work in the same profession, come from similar family backgrounds, etc. He's a perfect gentleman, and rather thoughtful. We have great chemistry. All is going well, until last night. He told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about. He told me that he has commitment issues. I asked him what he meant by that. He explained that all of the women he's had a relationship with, he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them. He then told me he "knows it's a problem" and that he's "working on it by going to therapy". I don't really know how to take this information. He's otherwise wonderful, and I appreciated the candor, but I don't know if this is a red flag given his general acceptance of a purported issue and his taking steps to remediate the issue. I'd appreciate any insight! Link to comment
Hermes Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 "He told me that he has commitment issues" A good way of telling you not to get your hopes up as regards any kind of long term relationship...... Take him at his word. "....he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them" There we have the classic idealization/devaluation and discard procedure. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Unfortunately this sounds like a red flag for player. Go at your own pace have fun and don't get attached or think you'll be the one to convert or fix him.. he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them. Link to comment
Nowheretorun Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Yh i guess he's being upfront and honest but i would steer clear. He has already given you the heads up. On the flip side, you may be the one he actually remains invested in. If you really value what you have so far, continue with caution. I would take this as an opportunity to test him. He probably failed to tell you he remains invested until he has sex then loses interest. I would not be engaging in any sexual activity until i was confident he is actually invested long term. That way you dont lose if he decides to flee!! Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Ya....that's a red flag the size of China. He told you in a pretty blunt and straight forward way that this thing you have going on with him is a temporary fling and he will be dumping you once he is bored. So now you have to make a decision: 1) carry on and have fun but don't get attached (if you can manage that) but who are we kidding....it will slowly turn into #2 below, which is or 2) hope that you'll be the "special snowflake" he stays with forever and ever, waste a lot of time hoping and get crushed when it doesn't happen. or 3) walk away now when it's still early going and walking away is easy. Personally....I vote for #3 but think it will end up being #2 disguised as #1. If it was #3 you wouldn't be on here asking you'd already be gone. Link to comment
Hermes Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Hope springs eternal! sigh! Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 "He told me that he has commitment issues" A good way of telling you not to get your hopes up as regards any kind of long term relationship...... Take him at his word. "....he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them" There we have the classic idealization/devaluation and discard procedure. Yes I suppose. Just really threw me off that he acknowledged it was a problem and was actively seeking to work on it. Normally I walk away when I hear any signs of commitment issues. I've just never actually had a man say he wanted to fix it. Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Yh i guess he's being upfront and honest but i would steer clear. He has already given you the heads up. On the flip side, you may be the one he actually remains invested in. If you really value what you have so far, continue with caution. I would take this as an opportunity to test him. He probably failed to tell you he remains invested until he has sex then loses interest. I would not be engaging in any sexual activity until i was confident he is actually invested long term. That way you dont lose if he decides to flee!! Well that's what I assumed, as well, except his relationships were not short lived. Most are more than 6 months, so I guess he sticks around a little longer than just for sex. But, most certainly will not be sleeping with him anytime soon if I do continue seeing him. Link to comment
Hermes Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Talking the talk is one thing; walking the walk quite another. How do you know he is even getting this therapy? And for how long? And ..six months is a very short time. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 How could he successfully string you along if he didn't have the disclaimer that "he's working on it"? Like most string along talk it gives you hope yet provides an out at the same time. What if you told him you never want sex with a guy but "you're working on it"? Does that sound like BS to you?Normally I walk away when I hear any signs of commitment issues. I've just never actually had a man say he wanted to fix it. Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Ya....that's a red flag the size of China. He told you in a pretty blunt and straight forward way that this thing you have going on with him is a temporary fling and he will be dumping you once he is bored. So now you have to make a decision: 1) carry on and have fun but don't get attached (if you can manage that) but who are we kidding....it will slowly turn into #2 below, which is or 2) hope that you'll be the "special snowflake" he stays with forever and ever, waste a lot of time hoping and get crushed when it doesn't happen. or 3) walk away now when it's still early going and walking away is easy. Personally....I vote for #3 but think it will end up being #2 disguised as #1. If it was #3 you wouldn't be on here asking you'd already be gone. Oh I know I'm not anyone's "special snowflake". I guess I just didn't want to so quickly dismiss him if he's actively working on the issue, but if others agree it's still a red flag, I will put more serious thought into walking away now. Link to comment
notalady Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Definitely red flag for me. I see it as a disclaimer for what you can expect from him in future when his interest wanes. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Lol who tells this to woman. Just that line alone, should make you ditch him. Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Talking the talk is one thing; walking the walk quite another. How do you know he is even getting this therapy? And for how long? And ..six months is a very short time. Yes, six months is short, unless you're just sticking around for sex. I don't know for sure. I don't know why he'd tell me otherwise, though. He knows that I won't have sex until I'm in a relationship with a man. Why would he waste his time dating me or attempting to string me along if he knows he won't get sex from me? He's young, successful, and attractive, I'd imagine he has no issues finding sex if that's what he's looking for. I just don't want to immediately dismiss him if he's actually addressing an issue. But if everyone is so convinced it's a major red flag, than obviously I am being blinded. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Gotta love the balls to say he's 'in therapy' for being a player.Lol who tells this to woman. Just that line alone, should make you ditch him. Link to comment
Hermes Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Re-read these words, OP, and let them sink in. "he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them." Invested in the relationship (an abstract) but not in the other person. Someone with that kind of issue didn't care even at the outset, but tried to seem as if he did, but slides inexorably towards the devaluation and discard. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 How old is this guy? Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Yes, six months is short, unless you're just sticking around for sex. I don't know for sure. I don't know why he'd tell me otherwise, though. He knows that I won't have sex until I'm in a relationship with a man. Why would he waste his time dating me or attempting to string me along if he knows he won't get sex from me? He's young, successful, and attractive, I'd imagine he has no issues finding sex if that's what he's looking for. I just don't want to immediately dismiss him if he's actually addressing an issue. But if everyone is so convinced it's a major red flag, than obviously I am being blinded. Because it's easier to just have sex with you, when he wants it. Rather than having to have sex with a random stranger. Also, he's put that line in place so he can leave at anytime. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 . But if everyone is so convinced it's a major red flag, than obviously I am being blinded. Because some people have serious issues with intimacy. It's all fun in the beginning and then when it gets real, it freaks them out. It's so ingrained in someone it takes years of therapy to change. . even if it's possible. He might be full of sh**. . or he may be aware of something and interested in changing. Let him exercise this out on someone else. At the very least. .be careful Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Gotta love the balls to say he's 'in therapy' for being a player. Well whether I see him again or not, I don't understand why you'd knock him for a. being honest; and b. attempting to work on himself? Should he lie and continue to be a "player"? Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 How old is this guy? He is 26. . . . Link to comment
seltzer Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Because it's easier to just have sex with you, when he wants it. Rather than having to have sex with a random stranger. Also, he's put that line in place so he can leave at anytime. Except he isn't having sex with me? And has made zero attempt to be intimate? Link to comment
Hermes Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 OP. "I just don't want to immediately dismiss him if he's actually addressing an issue." Whatever psychological problems underlie his reluctance to commit, how do you actually KNOW he is consulting a therapist, aside from what he just tells you. He says "he knows he has a problem". Have you discussed this problem with him, and his progress with the therapist? "zero attempts to be intimate" That in itself is rather odd, and if you read through the article on the link I gave above you will gain some insight perhaps into the real underlying problem he may have. Link to comment
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