Q's Journal

I absolutely am at the end of my rope with my ex husband. I have gone above and beyond for this f***tard and he doesn't appreciate any of it. All of us have - me, his parents, his grandma even helped him in the past. He screwed all of us over. He has stolen from all of us. Lied to us. Manipulated and used us. He beat me and his other ex wife. And he wonders why everyone gets sick and tired of his bs eventually.

I have even helped him in the last month but solely because if he doesn't get to court I'm out bail money. I always give him the benefit of the doubt and I have to stop.

I dropped him off at his friend's house because it's not my job to take care of him. We're divorced. I have enough with our daughter who is looking at dialysis soon and a kidney transplant. I have been the one who takes her to the hospital, stays at the hospital (even when we were married), gives her medicine, takes her to appointments. He doesn't care. I thought when she first got diagnosed he'd wake the hell up and he didn't. But he has four kids total and isn't doing a damn thing to take care of anyone. Hell his oldest - no one has seen since Feb. No one has heard from since July. He tried to text the stepdad who has custody but no answer. But still - if that was me I'd call CPS and find out what the hell is going on. I would have fought for my child.

The other two - their mother is a psycho but at least they aren't neglected or abused. She remarried. But I never did like her because she is nuts, she kind of acts like my mom did and she told me that my ex and I "deserve" to have a sick child. "Karma" she said. I think that's the most disgusting thing someone could say. She's pregnant with her new husband's kid and I wouldn't wish any harm on that fetus. If hers has problems I would tell her I'm sorry for what she would go through. Not "oh you deserve that for being such a mean spiteful b***.

Anyway side tracked. So this douche has the nerve to ask me twice in the last week if I can help him. First time I said "f*** no." He asked again today. I said no. Figure it out. You are 34 years old and you don't do anything on your own. He keeps asking me and asking me. I said you're lucky you still have the phone that I'm paying for. I only let him keep it because he has his trial coming up, and our daughter has her medical issues and all that. After trial in December, I'm shutting off that phone guilty or not guilty. Granted it lets me figure out where he is or who he is talking to and trap him in lies but oh well. He gets another month of it unless he trades the phone for meth again like he did last year after I filed for divorce.

But he keeps begging and begging and it's just damn pathetic. It really is. To be a grown man and begging your ex wife for money? People like to think because I am a realist (aka pessimist) and cynical that I'm not a nice person. But I'm too nice. I see people in need and I want to help. But I know giving him money and letting him stay with me and the times I took him back didn't help. I just enable him. It just enables him when people give in. But he's so good at manipulating people. He knows how to get to people.

But I can't do it. My best friend said "I don't know how you handle everything." I don't know. I don't know how I haven't snapped yet. Perhaps because I'm used to drama my entire life that I can remember? Or I know that I can't just go out and get messed up drinking. Or go on a bender because who will take care of my daughter? Not him. I don't want to lose her or my career. I've worked too damn hard to just lose it all. He doesn't get that because he has never worked for a damn thing his entire life. He has always been handed everything. He says his parents "beat him" but his siblings (all three of them) tell opposite stories. That he was the golden child. That's what I saw when I met his family. He and his dad were like best friends. Super close. Not anymore. Not after the drugs, lying and last year stole checks from him. He got away with so much after high school. His dad's a truck driver and tried to discipline him but his mom let him get away with stuff as soon as his dad left for the week. His mom would go pull him out of cars and drug houses. No one has ever let him fall.

I don't want bad things to happen to him. I really don't. If he just got sober no one would have an issue with him. His family still loves him. I still love him. We just don't like what he's done and have told him that. We don't like the way he treats us. Part of me though hopes he gets found guilty of this charge even though he likely didn't do it. Maybe four years in prison will help but he already did 3 so probably not. Sometimes I think it might teach him a lesson if one of his drug deals went bad and he got his ass beaten for once. I just wish something would happen to teach him a lesson and make him WAKE UP!! I don't know what his rock bottom is. He's homeless now and still hasn't learned. No job. No money. No car and no license even if he had one. On probation for assault against me. On trial for robbery. But yet he still doesn't pull himself up on his own.

I have to listen to my head. Not my heart. I was doing that and then I got stupid. My daughter is more important. My career to take care of my daughter is more important.

But he knows I have a big heart and he is trying to manipulate it. I won't let him again. I'm tired of it. He has gotten at least half my savings out of me. He could have his child support paid off and caught up with that. But no. All the money he spent on drugs, strip clubs, porn and he doesn't seem to care or have remorse and expects me to give more and more. I know it's because I give in but I'm not. This is bullcrap.

I wish I could just cut him out of my heart and have zero feelings for him but nothing seems to work. I honestly don't even want to be with anyone else because I don't want to take the risk of being hurt again and I don't trust someone near my daughter. I don't even let her own father be alone with her.

There are people who have been worse off than him and started over and became successful. I told him that too. Thursday our daughter had dental work. She had to get put under. He texted me -but all of it was about him. Not our daughter. Not once did he ask about her. Woe is me is all I got. I didn't say anything about her til Sat. Her surgery on the 15th? I'll be surprised if he shows up for that. I'll be surprised if his family comes or says a word about it. If he can't get someone in his family to bring himt o her surgery...Idk.

I'm just tired of it and I wish he would just grow up. His oldest is 14, next is 13. In 4-5 years they're adults. He's missing their lives and doesn't care. He's missing out on all of them and all he does is say "I miss them so much" but doesn't do anything.

I just wanna punch him in the face!! Knock some sense into him.

So now it's my fault. I gave up on him. Well if giving up means that you stand by someone who physically abuses you, lies to you, cheats on you, steals from you, manipulates you then I guess that's giving up. I don't get people who think the world revolves around them.

It's my fault he's homeless and now in a shelter. Please. I get tired of people who don't want to be accountable.

Why do people think they can be a douche one day and the next send a text that says "hey how's it going?" No moron. Don't talk to me. Unless it's about our child or how you found a job (finally at 34) or a place to stay I don't care! Especially when I get told "I'm going to turn my life around to spite you." What? Psychotic. When I say that's psychotic and suggest counseling I get told "Yeah well you need a makeover."

Maybe I do. Who can't use a change in their looks? And? Way to be a five year old.

I am getting so tired of my ex!! Now somehow his trial got pushed for the THIRD time to February. I just want this crap done so I can get the bail money back and not have to worry about if he can't get a ride to court. His probation ends in Feb so that might be why it got pushed. I don't know. I just don't get why it takes so long. I don't care if he did it or not anymore. It's just ridiculous because he doesn't care. He spent all his last paycheck on drugs and thinks I don't know. I got a hold of FB messages where he talks about it. But I found out some other info and reported him on it. And I guess I'll just have to take him back to court for not paying child support or daycare. He won't show up for that and he'll get a warrant out. Then he has to tell the judge why he's not paying child support or helping at all and how he plans to do it to get out of jail.

He doesn't care about any of his kids. But his stupid ex wife lets him have the kids when she needs a babysitter. She's just as bad a parent as he is. I feel bad for the fetus she's carrying with her new husband.

I know I was stupid to ever date him, marry him or have a kid with him but I was told I couldn't have kids. So it was a shock when I got pregnant. I hate what my daughter is going through. I hate that she has a father who is a man-child. I hate that she doesn't get to see her siblings often. I hate that I put her in this position and it's half my fault. I wish he would just GROW UP! Just be responsible. Pay to take care of your kids. Be someone they can look up to. Stop the drugs. The booze. The immature antics. Why is it so hard?

I'm just tired of all this crap. My ex does all he can to see his other two kids (for the most part) and doesn't bother to come see our daughter. Not that I want him to but she likes to see him now since she's too young to know better. She just started dialysis so I'm not dragging her around the state to go see people. He hasn't seen her since his surgery. He only video chats with her when I call. I have seen messages where he's talking about doing drugs or looking for drugs. He's homeless again because he's such a moron and his stupid ass mom who called me ing about him took him back in. There's going to be a $600 dental bill that I know I won't see half of from him that he owes.

I'm tired of him not even being responsible for himself. I told his mom just ignore him. Block his number. I should turn off his damn phone but I have bail riding on him to make it to court and crap. He thinks that when he hits bottom people should just help him and it's irritating af.

It would be nice if he helped at all. Oh I got a whopping $24 in child support last Thurs for the first time since March. Ooh. Only because the state took it. He couldn't keep that job more than 2 weeks. The last job he made it barely a week. Now he's not working. He was talking all crazy the other day and told a friend he was about to have a breakdown. Then even to me he was talking crazy and then once his mom got him he's like nothing happened. I told him to go to rehab he said it doesn't work.

I just wish he would help a little bit. I'm doing all this stuff with our daughter and he doesn't help at all. I know I was the one who chose to have a kid with him but for f* sake I thought once we found out about her medical issues he would grow up but no. He hasn't. He hasn't even talked to his oldest kid since July or seen him sinec Feb and he's not doing anything about it. I messaged the stepdad and he answered me in a day.

I just hate people who float through life and expect everyone else to take care of them and they let their kids suffer.

The ex is in rehab. It was that or the streets according to his mom. She finally seems to have a backbone. He apparently went to the ER because he did so much meth he got an infection in his arm. Shooting up dope. Took off 3 days before he was to get two of the kids for Christmas. He tried to do so much he would be in a coma and all he did was get an infection. I tried to talk to him and said why does he think his life is so bad? Our daughter is on DIALYSIS at two years old and he doesn't care! His life sucks because of his choices and I don't understand why he doesn't realize that. Or why he feels so entitled. I know part of it is he was the golden boy to his mom and dad at one time. Now his dad rarely talks to him after he stole checks and wrote 3000 worth. His mom keeps having faith. I don't know why.

I tried. I had faith. In the bottom of my heart I still do but my brain knows better. I wish he would grow up and be a father. I don't want my daughter to go through what the other kids have. His 14 year old has given up on him. His 13 year old apparently told her mom she doesn't care if she sees him again. The 8 year old doesn't get it yet.

He has court in a month and I honestly hope he goes to prison. He doesn't care so I don't care. He probably did rob that place he is on trial for. I stupidly believed him and bailed him out. If I had left him there he'd be in jail for almost a year now. Hopefully he just goes from rehab to prison if he's found guilty.

This is his fourth time in his entire life in rehab. Three out of the last four years he's been in rehab. He doesn't care. He said he hates sobriety. Why do we want to make him someone he isn't? So f*** him. I'm taking care of our daughter and that's it. I've helped him out too much. HIs mom has. His other ex. His dad. His family. His friends (the real ones). He threatens to kill himself sometimes and it's all bs. He just wants attention.

I love my daughter more than my life but sometime I wish I had kept that protection order in place in 2013. If I had, I wouldn't have had his kid. I guess there's a reason besides my own stupidity. Idk.