I'm hard to read

I think this may be my problem with dating. I've been doing mostly online dating since my divorce (official in March). I get a date or two and nothing. I'm just not social enough for bars and I don't have s lot of friends.

Yesterday was kind of a unique meeting with someone I met online. We had planned on meeting around 3pm since both of us had plans in the morning to early afternoon. Turns out, they were the same plans! Both of us are members of the same hiking meetup group. I got off the wait list I was on for the hike, went to look up the details and there was his picture on the attendees list (easily recognizable since there is a giraffe in it, same as his online profile). I let him know I'd be at the hike. We met there, introduced ourselves, went on the hike with the group. It was kind of good and a little awkward at the same time. It was active, we could hike together and talk but if there was a lapse in conversation we could start chatting with other members of the group. When we were done with the hike it was kind of uncertain what we were doing. We never cancelled the plans we'd made. The group was going out to lunch. I was interested in doing more with just him and I was glad he didn't indicate he was going out with the rest. After an awkward exchange we figured out we were both interested in time together so we went to lunch. I enjoyed talking to him and he seems like a really nice guy. We have a lot of the same interests, married and divorced, no kids, outdoorsy animal lovers. If I'm not interested in someone I find it difficult to get through a date and keep up conversation with them. I found it pretty easy to talk to him. Afterwards, he asked for my number and I happily gave it to him. He told me I was hard to read. I assured him I was interested and wanted him to call.

I'd like to be easier to read. I'm not the touchy-feely type with people I've just met. I'm an introverted geeky type. Had I been born 20 years later I'd be diagnosed somewhere on the high functioning autism spectrum along with half the chemists I work with. I think I've been able to project disinterest just fine. It's interest I seem to have problems with. So, if he calls me and there's another date, how do I show I'm interested while still staying in my introverted comfort zone (just dating alone is way outside my comfort zone)?

I think it is important to remember that this will be part of his insecurities as much as your introvertedness

You have told us that you find it hard to keep a conversation going if you are not interested ,but with him you found it easy to keep it alive and enjoyed it ....well that could be something you could have expressed to him ..it is not a lie , it is not something you are pretending to feel .. but it would have given him the green light to know what he was doing, talking about was on your level and enjoyable for you . So you could have said " I really enjoy talking to you , it is so easy " just a simple sentence like that can reassure a person it is all going ok .

I appreciate you are not a touchy feely person , but just have a think about your body language , you can creep a bit closer or just a little squeeze on the arm if he has made you laugh ..it doesn't have to be anything drastic ..I say again , I would never encourage anyone to change to such a degree they are almost playing a part .

Total respect by the way for fessing up and telling him you where going on the same hike , I wouldn't have said anything lol I would have had some fun with that one .

Are you basing this assessment on one comment, by one man? Someone saying "you're had to read", just might be someone who has problems reading people. So he shifts the onus onto you.

A lot of people struggle with showing interest, and getting tongue tied on dates.

I think Pippy gives some good suggestions.

listen and be an active participant in conversation, eye contact, i had to learn to find questions to ask because I am also introverted, most poeple like to talk about themselves to a point. open ended questions vs yes or no(online dating was blessing and a curse between exchaning emails until i was comfortable or going for it and falling flat) plus i could gleen a few details to hold onto to suggest an possible second date scenario. relax, find humorous topics, have something in the queue for the night, i.e. if he asks what you like perhaps suggest your favorite restaurant, bar, park,....I cant give good advice on the romantic side but if it turns that way but just know your limits and if you like him at the end of the date by all means feel free to ask for another, no need to read into whether someone likes you company past you inviting them to spend time togeher. sounds like you have some things in common and your somewhat comfortable with him that was always a good starting point for me(though not many happy endings) *pun not intended*

Are you basing this assessment on one comment, by one man? Someone saying "you're had to read", just might be someone who has problems reading people. So he shifts the onus onto you.

 

A lot of people struggle with showing interest, and getting tongue tied on dates.

 

I think Pippy gives some good suggestions.

Also, sometimes when someone is really into another, their ability to read someone goes out the window... so there is that, too.

Be sure to ask questions about him, that shows you are interested... Does he like to talk a lot more than you do? That is a blessing for an introvert, sometimes, too. Smile. Show that you are listening, etc. It's all the small things that can show you're interested in someone.

I'm horrible at reading woman. Its really not easy in the beginning of getting to know somone new. I just hope they make it pretty obvious. I'd say as long as he asks you out or you do and he accepts then you are good to go. It doesn't have to be fake. If you really like him touch him a bit. Good luck

To me he sounds very insecure and it would turn me off. You kept the lunch date with him, you assured him you're interested and wanted him to call, you found it easy to talk to him, so, frankly, I don't see what was so 'hard to read' about you. Surely, he didn't expect to sleep with you the first time he met you..or, maybe, he did?

I would be careful with him. I see no reason being touchy feely during a first or second date just to convey interest. As long as you accept dates and actually talk and show interest in the other person, it should be enough...at least for the first few dates.

To me he sounds very insecure and it would turn me off. You kept the lunch date with him, you assured him you're interested and wanted him to call, you found it easy to talk to him, so, frankly, I don't see what was so 'hard to read' about you. Surely, he didn't expect to sleep with you the first time he met you..or, maybe, he did?

 

I would be careful with him. I see no reason being touchy feely during a first or second date just to convey interest. As long as you accept dates and actually talk and show interest in the other person, it should be enough...at least for the first few dates.

I agree with this.

If conversation seems to flow, it'd be pretty obvious you get along? I'm not sure what else he needs to "read" on a first date or two. I'm not touchy feely either, I don't think it's necessary for convening interest.

OP, do you smile and/or laugh much? For me, if someone has a poker face most of the time, barely laugh or smile, basically expressionless, I would find them hard to read. Only know one person in my life, ever, that I found to be hard to read because of this.

My first thought was the same as Not's. A poker face is naturally difficult to read, especially one that doesn't lighten up into smiling much. I like outdoor activities, so I join a lot of these groups. Many have members whose expressions look like the discomfort of people having just ate 10 bowls of chili without a bathroom within miles. They do not look friendly. I suspect that is the look of introverts at a social gathering.

He was honest with you by saying he thought you were difficult to read, honesty is a rare thing. If you do tend to smile less, it would be good also to be upfront by letting him know that is all it is. And remember to think about your expression with people every so often if that is an issue. Otherwise there is a lot of good conversation advice on this thread and everything else on the hike sounds like it went well on the hike.

I don't think he's automatically insecure because he said you are hard to read. But that does not mean he is right either. I would just say that is just his perception. We all go into various situations with a lens by which we perceive what's happening.

I would advise you to talk to a trusted friend or adviser. Ask if he or she thinks that you are or that you could be. This is a learning opportunity for you. So be open minded and don't immediately side with the "there's something wrong with him" defensive perspective.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to what someone who knows you for a matter of hours has to say. Maybe it was nervous chatter, who knows?

Now...the important thing is he asked for your number and wanted to extend the hiking situation one-on-one. As long as you accept dates, act enthusiastically, smile, reciprocate,etc. he'll read you loud and clear. Enjoy!

Afterwards, he asked for my number and I happily gave it to him. He told me I was hard to read. I assured him I was interested and wanted him to call.

Keep in mind that telling you something negative like "you are hard to read" is also a way to flip the tables on you where you now will want to "prove" yourself and your interest to him. So instead of him doing the work and asking you for dates, you will end up chasing him and perhaps doing things you shouldn't be. Like pushing your own boundaries by getting physical too fast, etc. For all you know, he is reading your interest loud and clear and is actually being a bit manipulative about it. Remember, you don't know him at all. So proceed with caution.

I'm with those that say beware of rushing to conclusions that you are flawed based on a negative comment from someone you barely know, who has spent only a few hours in your company. Frankly, he shouldn't be making negative comments so early on. Could have been just nerves and lack of filter, could have been a red flag. Either way, should raise an eyebrow for you on what exactly that was all about.

In your shoes, I'd give it a few more dates IF he asks for them, but would be paying close attention to his behavior. Definitely don't go chasing after him. You have made your interest very very clear.

By the op's own admission .........

I'd like to be easier to read. I'm not the touchy-feely type with people I've just met. I'm an introverted geeky type. Had I been born 20 years later I'd be diagnosed somewhere on the high functioning autism spectrum along with half the chemists I work with. I think I've been able to project disinterest just fine. It's interest I seem to have problems with. So, if he calls me and there's another date, how do I show I'm interested while still staying in my introverted comfort zone (just dating alone is way outside my comfort zone)?

I don't think he's the only one to find me hard to read, just the first person to say anything. Smiling does not come naturally to me. Fake smiling just looks like a grimace. By touchy-feely I didn't mean groping him, just the casual touch on the arm or whatever. No, I didn't get the impression that he expected me to sleep with him. I did show an interest in getting to know him and asked a lot of questions about his likes, hobbies, family, etc.

He has asked me out again! We're going to an art exhibit later this week.

I don't think he's the only one to find me hard to read, just the first person to say anything. Smiling does not come naturally to me. Fake smiling just looks like a grimace. By touchy-feely I didn't mean groping him, just the casual touch on the arm or whatever. No, I didn't get the impression that he expected me to sleep with him. I did show an interest in getting to know him and asked a lot of questions about his likes, hobbies, family, etc.

 

He has asked me out again! We're going to an art exhibit later this week.

Yes I believe you know yourself well enough to know what you are like and you are trying to at least own it ...so good for you .

Hey that's fab he asked you out again , I am really happy for you . Remember , no big dramatics to try and be someone else , just remember some open body language and lots of smiles ..that should do the trick . Hope you have a fab time .

edit to say , by smiles I mean natural enjoyment .. haha not trying to get you to get face ache .

By the op's own admission .........

I agree. She's somewhat recognized that she has some traits that could be hard to read. So why jump to the "he's insecure" conclusion - I don't know. There just might be something there 'there.'

I think I just need to remind myself to relax. First 5 dates or so are always stressful for me because I'm not real social around people I don't know. I try to get outside my comfort zone as much as I can, especially since the divorce.

I agree. She's somewhat recognized that she has some traits that could be hard to read. So why jump to the "he's insecure" conclusion - I don't know. There just might be something there 'there.'

haha I know ...arghhhhhhhhhh oh Mrs D

I think I just need to remind myself to relax. First 5 dates or so are always stressful for me because I'm not real social around people I don't know. I try to get outside my comfort zone as much as I can, especially since the divorce.

I think to some degree a lot of us feel like that , but hey , you are going out and living ..and really , that is what matters .

"Hard do read," could that also mean "mysterious"? Is that so bad, at least in the beginning? You could even be alluring.

Haha! I wish that were the case!

Excellent...and continue to be your enigmatic self. has asked me out again! We're going to an art exhibit later this week.

Date seemed to go pretty well. We kept extending it to do more things.

I think he may be a little insecure, or maybe just nervous. He has told me I'm his first date since his divorce (divorced 1 year, separated 2 years). He seems to want to go slow and proceed cautiously. Fine with me.

We're going out again on Saturday.

I think he may be a little insecure, or maybe just nervous. He has told me I'm his first date since his divorce (divorced 1 year, separated 2 years). He seems to want to go slow and proceed cautiously. Fine with me.

 

We're going out again on Saturday.

I like the sound of this dane , he has obviously taken time out to heal from him his divorce and get his crap together before jumping back in ...and nice and slow is good ...