Long distance partner has unreasonable demands, unable to cope up

I'm a 30 year old man living and working in Australia (Sydney). I have been here for just 8 months now, and this is my first job here. I am from a backward country, and struggled really hard for years to be able to move out.

I met my partner a few months back when she was holidaying here (she lives and works in New York). There was an instant connection, and even after she went back, we wanted to make things work. There were a lot of issues about which one of us has to move. Turns out she is a from a multimillionaire family, has top degrees and earns a very high salary. I have none of those. Just a middle-class man with decent pay here. She wanted me to move because she is well settled, but I couldn't do that because I am just getting started here, and I needed stability in my career. Besides, I don't have a decorated resume like her, so I can't just 'get' a job over there. But if she moves here, she can easily get any job she wants with the snap of a finger. And with all her wealth, she doesn't even need a job. So it was decided that if this has to work, she should move. And she even quit her job.

Then the issues started. She started demanding me to find a place for us to stay here, and her requirements were something I never even heard before. Ultra-luxurious stuff. Of course, she said she will pay for it, but as a working professional, I have very limited time to check places out and find the one she needs. If I tell her this, she says "You just want to give up on us, quit whining and do something because you are not ready to move where I am". She knows that I suffer from mental health issues like clinical depression, hyperanxiety and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She has issues too, but she also has lots of people and wagonlods of money to help her out. I don't. She also has other demands which I need to fulfil down the line, and according to her, that is because I expected her to move instead of me moving there.

I am doing the best I can, but she thinks I give up too soon. I am having issues at work too, due to a crappy manager who expects me to do the impossible. I can't quit my job now before I have another one. So the work stress, combined with her unreasonable demands, is driving me to take my own life. When I try to tell this to her, she brushes me off and says "You brought this upon yourself. Even now, we can solve all this if you just move to New York. I can easily get my job back, and you can find one too". She fails to realise that without top degrees/experience and financial backup, it's not as easy for me as she says. Besides, I don't want to be living in her shadows forever because what I have achieved is pretty darn good when taken on it's own merits, and the rough start I had to life.

My confidence has taken a severe hit as well. Just a few months earlier, I used to be really proud of my achievements in spite of my rough starts and mental health issues. Now, I involuntarily compare myself to her, and feel so worthless. I simply can't take this anymore. And I somehow can't get myself to end this (neither can she).

Any suggestions?

My suggestion ....think long and hard about how long love can overshine her personality and her demands .

Mate ....she is going to hold this over you forever ....you will pay mentally for this , you will pay emotionally for this and you will spend your life making her happy because she is the one who moved ...and that is the top and bottom of it .

My suggestion ....think long and hard about how long love can overshine her personality and her demands .

 

Mate ....she is going to hold this over you forever ....you will pay mentally for this , you will pay emotionally for this and you will spend your life making her happy because she is the one who moved ...and that is the top and bottom of it .

I completely understand what you say. We did break up many times, but got together again because she accused me of 'not trying and just giving up'. i have suggested to her many times that due to the financial disparity things may not work and we need to rethink, but she always says "If we do it my way, I know it will work. But you want to do it your way, so now it's up to you to make it work".

Also, she made me agree that the maximum we should be staying here is 3 years, and after that we MUST move to either London or New York. Her reasoning is that Australia is too isolated, and she can't visit her family and friends whenever she wants. Too much pressure on me from all directions.

I just want to end it, but I don't know how because I'm kind of soft hearted, and she'll just blame me and say that I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her if I couldn't handle it.

I completely understand what you say. We did break up many times, but got together again because she accused me of 'not trying and just giving up'. i have suggested to her many times that due to the financial disparity things may not work and we need to rethink, but she always says "If we do it my way, I know it will work. But you want to do it your way, so now it's up to you to make it work".

 

Also, she made me agree that the maximum we should be staying here is 3 years, and after that we MUST move to either London or New York. Her reasoning is that Australia is too isolated, and she can't visit her family and friends whenever she wants. Too much pressure on me from all directions.

 

I just want to end it, but I don't know how because I'm kind of soft hearted, and she'll just blame me and say that I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her if I couldn't handle it.

oh darling ... well you said the words

I just want to end it,

You have to tell her how you feel , you have to brace yourself , sit down , get on skype or whatever you do and just say it ..be kind but be firm ..you have to be firm because she has a strong will and will wrap you round her little finger again ...firm , strong and honest .....I believe you are truly doing the right thing.

oh darling ... well you said the words .... so now you need to gather every ounce of strength you have got and I am sending you a crap load more over the airwaves ...to just do this ..the longer it goes on the worse it is going to be ...and she does deserve to know now darling , for all of her demands and her attitude , she still deserves to know ..ASAP ...please don't put this off ....I would normally try and see if there is something worth saving before encouraging anyone to walk away ..but the more you write the more I have alarm bells ringing for you ..she will dominate your life ..everything you have worked for , achieved , will come second place to what she wants .

You have to tell her how you feel , you have to brace yourself , sit down , get on skype or whatever you do and just say it ..be kind but be firm ..you have to be firm because she has a strong will and will wrap you round her little finger again ...firm , strong and honest .....I believe you are truly doing the right thing.

Thanks a million. It hurts because we did have an amazing connection. But now I feel like I just need to get out of this mess, cower in a corner and cry myself to death.

I have always suffered a lot, even in my previous relationships. Honestly, I shouldn't even try anymore. Since I only seem to attract the 'wrong' types of women, maybe I am just a crappy, damaged man myself.

Thanks a million. It hurts because we did have an amazing connection. But now I feel like I just need to get out of this mess, cower in a corner and cry myself to death.

I have always suffered a lot, even in my previous relationships. Honestly, I shouldn't even try anymore. Since I only seem to attract the 'wrong' types of women, maybe I am just a crappy, damaged man myself.

oh I am sure you did have an amazing connection at first ..we all do , but then it is what follows which tells us if that is the right person ...you have now found out who she is , what she is about , what she wants and that will be fine for someone else , but not for you ..she is trying to take away who you are and you recognise that . so be glad of that ...this could of gone on for years .

I believe people are put on our path to show us what we don't want , to reaffirm to ourselves who we are and what we want ..no one is a waste of anyones life , everyone is part of the learning process . Once you know it isn't right ..you have to get out .

Don't give up mate ...a lot of us on here have felt like that , just keep reminding yourself that the wrong ones came along in your life to remind you of what the right one will be like when she comes .....and she will ..

You will feel such a weight off your shoulders when you have sorted this ..when people turn to ena it is because they have no where else left to go and know they need help ..so believe me ..you might be upset but you will breathe a huge sigh of relief .

oh I am sure you did have an amazing connection at first ..we all do , but then it is what follows which tells us if that is the right person ...you have now found out who she is , what she is about , what she wants and that will be fine for someone else , but not for you ..she is trying to take away who you are and you recognise that . so be glad of that ...this could of gone on for years .

 

I believe people are put on our path to show us what we don't want , to reaffirm to ourselves who we are and what we want ..no one is a waste of anyones life , everyone is part of the learning process . Once you know it isn't right ..you have to get out .

 

Don't give up mate ...a lot of us on here have felt like that , just keep reminding yourself that the wrong ones came along in your life to remind you of what the right one will be like when she comes .....and she will ..

 

You will feel such a weight off your shoulders when you have sorted this ..when people turn to ena it is because they have no where else left to go and know they need help ..so believe me ..you might be upset but you will breathe a huge sigh of relief .

I often wonder why people who we believe watch out for us, actually turn out to be evil while random strangers on the internet (such as yourself) tend to be so kind.

But yeah, as much as I do not want to give up, it's about my survival and mental well-being now. I am just not meant for relationships. I can't handle them. Because it is not about the current failed relationship, it's been like this in the past too. And I'm friggin' 30 years old, and I should be mature enough to handle relationships. People my age are often married and have kids, while I struggle to even maintain a relationship for months, like an immature teenager.

I'm a spent force now. I'd like to utilise whatever little energy I have left, to at least build a career for myself. I really appreciate your kindness, though. Hope there were more like you in this cruel world filled with selfish people.

Then the issues started. She started demanding me to find a place for us to stay here, and her requirements were something I never even heard before. Ultra-luxurious stuff. Of course, she said she will pay for it, but as a working professional, I have very limited time to check places out and find the one she needs. If I tell her this, she says "You just want to give up on us, quit whining and do something because you are not ready to move where I am". She knows that I suffer from mental health issues like clinical depression, hyperanxiety and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). She has issues too, but she also has lots of people and wagonlods of money to help her out. I don't. She also has other demands which I need to fulfil down the line, and according to her, that is because I expected her to move instead of me moving there.

Personally, I don't think this is a ridiculous demand, especially considering the fact that she agreed to your 'demand' of leaving her job and home to move to Australia. It's much easier for you to search for places than it would be for her--not unreasonable at all for her to expect you to do the looking. Frankly, you come off as somebody who feels sorry for himself, and as a person who is a bit prone to right-fighting and guilt tripping to get his way. You can't bean-count your way to a successful relationship.

I often wonder why people who we believe watch out for us, actually turn out to be evil while random strangers on the internet (such as yourself) tend to be so kind.

 

But yeah, as much as I do not want to give up, it's about my survival and mental well-being now. I am just not meant for relationships. I can't handle them. Because it is not about the current failed relationship, it's been like this in the past too. And I'm friggin' 30 years old, and I should be mature enough to handle relationships. People my age are often married and have kids, while I struggle to even maintain a relationship for months, like an immature teenager.

 

I'm a spent force now. I'd like to utilise whatever little energy I have left, to at least build a career for myself. I really appreciate your kindness, though. Hope there were more like you in this cruel world filled with selfish people.

I always feel the need to encourage people to not give up on here , however I do understand what you are saying and it certainly doesn't do anyone any harm in going it alone . I am weeks away from 50 and I have been single since my split 5 years ago , so I really do hear you when you say you just want to go it alone right now .

Op don't let anyone on here make you feel bad about yourself or knock your confidence ok .. x

Personally, I don't think this is a ridiculous demand, especially considering the fact that she agreed to your 'demand' of leaving her job and home to move to Australia. It's much easier for you to search for places than it would be for her--not unreasonable at all for her to expect you to do the looking. Frankly, you come off as somebody who feels sorry for himself, and as a person who is a bit prone to right-fighting and guilt tripping to get his way. You can't bean-count your way to a successful relationship.

Perhaps, knowing what she needs will change your opinion about this:

No carpets in the house

Bathrooms should be fully white

No tiles anywhere except bathroom

Big kitchen

Minimum 2 bedrooms

At least 100 square metres

And yeah, I could have easily found a place that satisfied SOME of these requirements, but not all. Especially when she even gave me a deadline, and said I should fix it before that day. I'm friggin' all alone here, with ABSOLUTELY no one to help me out. No contacts, no friends, nothing. I never 'demanded' her to move. It was a mutual decision taken by both of us. I'm in my probation period (which means, I can't take leaves), so I just get ONE day in a week (Saturday) to find a place. And sometimes they are spaced so far apart, and I need to use public transport because I don't have a car yet. And I think you are one of those who are blissfully unaware that mental health issues are a thing. I am barely functional. And I told her this before we got into a relationship, so she KNEW about my limitation. I never gave false hopes.

Oh, and I am pretty sure you never bothered reading other comments, and just jumped to a conclusion to blame me. Tell me something. You are in a new country, with a new job which is extremely stressful, you are under probation (which means they can let you go at any time), you have ZERO friends and family there, you suffer from mental health issues, and you are also under pressure to find a place with VERY specific requirements within a deadline. Could you handle it? If you answer 'yes' to this, you are either a superhuman, or you are totally oblivious to this type of situation.

I never asked or expected her to search places here, I just told her I can't withstand so much of stress at once, and I can find some temporary place, and later on we could find a place suited for her needs. I even said I can let go of security deposit and break the lease agreement, but she did not budge. She wanted a place that satisfied her requirements, before she landed here.

This was a holiday fling and you are completely incompatible on every level. Did she move there? No? then just say it's not working/isn't going to work and cease contact.

I met my partner a few months back when she was holidaying here.And with all her wealth, she doesn't even need a job. So it was decided that if this has to work, she should move. And she even quit her job. I expected her to move instead of me moving there.

Op don't let anyone on here make you feel bad about yourself or knock your confidence ok .. x

Someone already tried doing that, and I hope I gave a fitting reply.

Oh, and I am pretty sure you never bothered reading other comments, and just jumped to a conclusion to blame me.

yes that is what I thought as well

This was a holiday fling and you are completely incompatible on every level. Did she move there? No? then just say it's not working/isn't going to work and cease contact.

Believe me, it was much more than a holiday fling. But yeah, as it stands now, she is driving me to suicide so I need to just end it.

Oh, and I am pretty sure you never bothered reading other comments, and just jumped to a conclusion to blame me.

I did read the other comments. In those comments, you are the actually the one who is pinning the blame. It really sounds like you resent this woman more than you love her. If that is the case, let her go. You will make both of you miserable, otherwise.

Op don't let anyone on here make you feel bad about yourself or knock your confidence ok .. x

If you're referring to me, I am not is trying to make anyone here feel bad. It is my honest opinion.

So she never even moved there and this is all speculative long distance arguing? How was it 'more than a holiday fling" if it never progressed past that?

it was much more than a holiday fling. so I need to just end it.

I did read the other comments. In those comments, you are the actually the one who is pinning the blame. It really sounds like you resent this woman more than you love her. If that is the case, let her go. You will make both of you miserable, otherwise.

 

Again, you conveniently ignore everything else I said in that post, and just take this one sentence as the reference. That's probably because you have nothing to say about the other stuff. Just because she agreed to move instead of me, how is it fair that I fulfil EVERY other demand she has, especially when those demands are unrealistic and I have so much on my plate? I even told her that she shouldn't move if she doesn't want to, and we should just maybe visit each other a few times until we figure out what to do, but she wasn't willing to wait.

And from the other comments, you'd also know that she actually struck a 'deal' with me that she will only be here for 3 years, and DEMANDED that later on, I should move wherever SHE asks me to.

Again, you conveniently ignore everything else I said in that post, and just take this one sentence as the reference. That's probably because you have nothing to say about the other stuff. Just because she agreed to move instead of me, how is it fair that I fulfil EVERY other demand she has, especially when those demands are unrealistic and I have so much on my plate? I even told her that she shouldn't move if she doesn't want to, and we should just maybe visit each other a few times until we figure out what to do, but she wasn't willing to wait.

 

And from the other comments, you'd also know that she actually struck a 'deal' with me that she will only be here for 3 years, and DEMANDED that later on, I should move wherever SHE asks me to.

You're right. I don't have anything to say about the other stuff. It's bean-counting. Like I said before, you're going to continue having trouble with relationships if you keep up this bean-counting attitude.

i think both is true.

she can't really search for the place from where she's at. the description doesn't sound outrageous to me, although a lot of us would personally sooner trust a partner to just find a decent place than dictate the color code for the tiles. you wanted her to move, she made the step and left her job, it's on you to get a place if she's to come. it doesn't sound unreasonable. also, her success and good fortune are not intended to make you self-conscious. she hasn't been successful and fortunate to make you feel bad about yourself, that is the doing of your complex. it doesn't sound like active, intended behavior on her part.

you are overwhelmed. it IS incredibly stressful to function with your diagnoses, to cope with work stress, self-esteem issues, time management and to make arrangements as well. it can be overwhelming to just get up and shower with mental health problems, let alone arrange for life-changing situations. if she lacks the awareness and understanding of that, it pretty much makes her the completely wrong person for you anyway.

if you think she'd understand that you have trouble coping with stress and would not put you down for it, you could also tell her you do want her to move but that you'd rather leave the work of finding the place to an agency.

i'm certain you'd do better single and back to feeling confident and back to levels of responsibility which you can cope with.

what makes you unable to end it?

You're right. I don't have anything to say about the other stuff. It's bean-counting. Like I said before, you're going to continue having trouble with relationships if you keep up this bean-counting attitude.

So what was I SUPPOSED to do here? Quit my job and look for a place she prefers? I need to feed myself. And I don't have a magic wand to make unrealistic things happen.

She's never moving there, so your problem is solved and all you need to do is tie up loose ends and end the ldr contact and drama.

she agreed to move instead of me I even told her that she shouldn't move if she doesn't want to, and we should just maybe visit each other a few times until we figure out what to do, but she wasn't willing to wait.

So what was I SUPPOSED to do here? Quit my job and look for a place she prefers? I need to feed myself. And I don't have a magic wand to make unrealistic things happen.

Just say, "I don't have the time," and deal with whatever comes next.

Believe me, it was much more than a holiday fling. But yeah, as it stands now, she is driving me to suicide so I need to just end it.

doody please don't get in a state darling ok ...all of this stuff can be extremely triggering when you have BPD ...take a breath and try and stay calm ..you are ok

OP, a question from a little detail you mentioned:

She has specifications about the bathroom colour and tiling in the potential home. But...if she comes from boatloads of money and earned a lot in her previous job, would she not also have the disposable income to make the desired renovations after she arrives? Those I know who have a lot of money generally aren't averse to making adjustments to their future abodes. In fact, many rather enjoy doing so.

So my question is, are you sure she has the background she claims? In other words, have you been able to verify what she has told you about herself? What type of work does she do? How does she plan to gain entry/residency in Australia?