Struggling with unmotivated partner, 2 years 6 months

Hi all, need some guidance on my long term relationship. He's very unmotivated and displays no ambition to further himself or us.

We are female and male, both 25. I live with him and his Dad (His dad's house) because our income is too low for us to move at the moment. I have a disability but I do what I can including around the house. I am also doing a course so pretty busy with it. My partner has social communication issues and is very uncomfortable around groups of people and public places.

We rarely go out as a couple but he's happy to go out as a 4 with our couple friends. When I first met him he was working as an administration assistant and still is today, except at home with his father who's ready to retire as it is. His mum had an affair years ago and he dealt with his father's breakdown as well as coming to terms with it himself. He refuses to see her and is adamant he never will again and the whole experience changed him.

He's a very unmotivated person, he lacks confidence in himself and says he feels like he can't do normal things and that makes him resent around being people. He gets up late for work everyday and doesn't even do full time hours. He's very much addicted to his desktop pc because he enjoys playing a FIFA and online racing with his close friends who he met through xbox live and racing. Now, I am not one for needing someone around me all the time, I like my space but my partner likes it all too much. He is set in routines and he cannot cope if they are disrupted. He always acts like he's so tired when he's at home all the time and he just cannot be bothered with anything.

It was a battle to get him to do his work course so he can progress. Sunday's are often restricted due to the racing but claims it's his important hobby. Fair enough but he doesn't work his arse off in the week 9-5 all the time. I feel like I am not getting anything out of him sometimes, all he wants to do is be on the PC, there's no ambition to see places or go anywhere. He recently has had a very bad week mentally, has not worked or studied, claiming to be burnt out and needing space. Since we are sharing a room he said he'd move his PC into his sister's old room so he could have space and figure out what to do with himself mentally. I don't mind that but his idea of having "time off" is doing what he already does.

Might be easy for one to say "get rid" but it isn't easy. I'd lose a roof over my head and my career which I am training in. I have been homeless before. I feel like him getting a GF has not motivated him yet I have tried to work hard and pass my qualifications so we can earn enough for our own space. It's affecting how I feel about him physically as well. He rarely makes an effort with himself. He used to work out when we first dated but said he stopped because he doesn't need to know he isn't single. The whole principle of that attitude has disheartened me.

I am trying to juggle my disability and own problems but I feel like I am more of a mum to him. It's like I fully appreciate he takes me to work cos I sadly cannot drive but I have to get him up and he doesn't wash or anything, just brushes his teeth, does coffee and leaves. He says he has always been socially under confident, I just feel it's only worsened. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks.

You live with him and his dad. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

How can two people with jobs not afford an apartment? If he's working 9 - 5 (or not? kind of unclear language there), how much are you working?

Do you get disability checks or work part time or get government help? Who brings in the income him or you or both or just him and his dad? It sounds like it's a cramped, conflicted environment, people do need space.

He's working, you are going to school so there's not a lot of free time. What is it you want to do? Go out on dates more? How can you afford that? Perhaps try to find some alone time together or free and inexpensive dates. Plan something you would like to do.

both 25. I live with him and his Dad. I have a disability but I do what I can including around the house. When I first met him he was working as an administration assistant and still is today, except at home with his father who's ready to retire as it is. I'd lose a roof over my head and my career which I am training in. I have been homeless before.

You live with him and his dad. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

 

How can two people with jobs not afford an apartment? If he's working 9 - 5 (or not? kind of unclear language there), how much are you working?

I agree. It sounds like your issue is that since you don't generate much money, you want to rely on him financially.

I think you need to find ways to be more financially independent or move in with your family. Your need of a roof is not his problem.

So basically you are living off your bf's and his dad's charity so that you can have a roof over your head, food on the table, do your studies so you can eventually advance yourself......and for all that you are getting.....you are griping that he should be doing more for you?

You know what? Be grateful for what you have and when you do finally advance, be sure to thank them and pay them back their kindness because without them, you'd be on the street and going nowhere.

Okay just a clarification here. I work and study and I do NOT spend my partners money. I pay board and clean the house regularly and iron their clothes which no one else does. I am saving my money. My partner is paid to do barely anything. He gets up late, works downstairs for a few hours then returns to the PC for hours and he makes little effort with me. I get some disability help but it is not a lot. I do not scrounge for benefits, I work and study very hard. My partner barely does his studying. He complains he wants his own place but does little to do anything about it. Why should that burden be left to me solely because he cannot be bothered? Seems some have got the wrong end of the stick here like I am living here for a free ride which is not the case. I lived alone prior to here and one of the reasons I moved to this location was due to a good job opportunity and where I was living was rough and generally unsafe. Grateful alone, I don't expect to have to mother my partner because he cannot be bothered to further himself and shuts himself away constantly. All I asked was for guidance on that aspect. Not a judgement of my living situation. Thanks.

Not to mention I buy my own food weekly, so no food is on my table unless I get it, as it should be for everyone.

As stated he does not want to spend much time with me sadly. He will occasionally go out but not alone with me.

Our earnings are pretty low. I'm a trainee and he earns the minimum and here in the UK, it's not uncommon for couples to struggle to move out. I'm currently part time due to disability but I do study on the side. I have been promised a pay rise once I've passed my course but it's not going to really fund both me and my partner.

When I don't spend any of his money, I hardly find that a possibility.

This is pretty rude and uncalled for.

I honestly can not think of a solution that does not involve moving out on your own again. Were you in govt housing previously? Is that what you are scared of having to go back to?

The thing is, you can't change or 'fix' him. If you find this relationship is becoming more burden than mutual support as a team, the only real option is to disengage. You can ask for changes til you are blue in the face, but I'm assuming you already tried that ?

Unfortunately that is the agreement he and his dad have with regard to work arrangements and living arrangements. They both seem quite content and comfortable with it so there doesn't seem to be much incentive to change it.

My partner is paid to do barely anything. He gets up late, works downstairs for a few hours then returns to the PC for hours and he makes little effort with me.He complains he wants his own place but does little to do anything about it.