Her name, social posts and facebook profile were all fake. What would you do?

My friend of 12 months, Janet have gone for movies, coffee and meals together. We work in the same field.

She is openly lesbian with me and I have gone with her to lesbian events.

The friendship is strictly platonic and I enjoyed it very much as it is free of drama.

She is on time, doesn't cancel (not flaky) and we have fun talking about our jobs, families and such. It is very easygoing and reliable.

When I was looking for a new job, she has even met me once after work and spent 1+ hour coaching me through interview questions.

She is also friends with on facebook and the only weird thing was she didn't want to ever take a picture with me.

(I told her I was not posting it on social media. She knows I am not interested in her and vice versa but still refuses to be in ANY pictures.)

The Party

Recently, I went to a party with Janet (we drove separately) and invited my friend Bill. Bill is quite persistent and talks to any woman endlessly.

I introduced them and I was socializing in the other room. Later, in the night, Janet left the party without saying good bye or telling me she was going.

The next day, she texts me that Bill made her very uncomfortable and told me 4 times by text to not give her number to Bill.

I told her I am sorry on behalf of my friend's behavior and assured her that I never shared anything she told me or her contact details to anyone.

The Weird Gut Feeling

I had a weird feeling and then went on Facebook. I found out that she un-friended me without telling me.

I then looked into her profile and found out that there was really nothing much there. There were NO pictures of her, NO recent post and NO details about her family or background (it is public).

I then recalled she wanted to be called "Janet" but never told me her real name (it is an ethnic name that she would not tell me). Her facebook is under "Janet".

It then made sense that she never wanted her picture taken in our friendship, even in a group. Her facebook has no pictures of her anywhere.

So, I am confused, here's why:

It has been a great friendship (no drama, no flakiness, both deep and lighthearted conversations) and I am forever grateful for her helping me through my career transition.

But I now realize I don't know who this person is. I don't know her real name (just her casual name "Janet"), her facebook profile is clearly fake (made so she can view other's posts but she has no posts of her own) and frankly, now that I think about it, I don't even know what is true or false. I've never even met any of her friends (i.e. childhood friends or best friends) or family & since her Facebook profile is fake, they are not on there.

1) What is going on?

2) I'm angry that I was duped. I like to think I was a good person and friend. Should I call her out that I found out that her name, her profile and all of that is fake?

3) What would you do with this friendship?

My first idea would be to go talk to Bill and ask what he thought of Janet, what did they talk about? Like what does he know about her or what happened there that suddenly made her feel uncomfortable and led to the uncovering of all this mystery.

My first idea would be to go talk to Bill and ask what he thought of Janet, what did they talk about? Like what does he know about her or what happened there that suddenly made her feel uncomfortable and led to the uncovering of all this mystery.

Yes I second this, that seems to be the trigger to her strange behaviour. Did you not notice the closed FB profile whilst you were FB friends?

I don't find the name thing unusual, especially if she has been honest that Janet isn't her real name. I have lots of friends, particularly from China, who have adopted a 'western' name and only ever want to be called by that name. Perhaps she has had trouble from someone and so leaves her FB closed for that reason?

I would do nothing and move on.

What makes you think it's fake? Not having much information and choosing not to put pictures up doesn't mean it's fake... it might just mean she doesn't want personal stuff open to the public. As for choosing a name... I think that is pretty normal if your birth name is hard to pronounce in the country you are living in. She didn't lie to you that it wasn't her name... she told you to call her Janet. I don't use my legal name on facebook I use the name people call me.

Is there other stuff that makes you feel like she is fake? How did you meet her? If you still have her phone number why don't you ask her why she unfriended you?

My first idea would be to go talk to Bill and ask what he thought of Janet, what did they talk about? Like what does he know about her or what happened there that suddenly made her feel uncomfortable and led to the uncovering of all this mystery.

Janet contacted me the next day and said Bill was hitting on her which was why she was uncomfortable. I am not happy with Bill and will follow up with him separately.

However, the issue I am trying to wrap my head around today is that during our whole friendship, her entire facebook profile was fake.

I was too busy with real life to read through people's profile so when this circumstance happened, I went to her profile (it is still fully open to me) and found that it was a fake profile under "Janet".

- No pictures of her or anyone

- No history of any real posts

- No friends liking her posts

It was merely a profile made so she can view the profiles of new people and friends she meets, while shielding them from knowing anything about her background, education, family or friends.

I wish I found this out at the start.

Janet contacted me the next day and said Bill was hitting on her which was why she was uncomfortable. I am not happy with Bill and will follow up with him separately.

 

However, the issue I am trying to wrap my head around today is that during our whole friendship, her entire facebook profile was fake.

I was too busy with real life to read through people's profile so when this circumstance happened, I went to her profile (it is still fully open to me) and found that it was a fake profile under "Janet".

- No pictures of her or anyone

- No history of any real posts

- No friends liking her posts

 

It was merely a profile made so she can view the profiles of new people and friends she meets, while shielding them from knowing anything about her background, education, family or friends.

 

I wish I found this out at the start.

There are no rules for what you have to post on FB to be considered real.

That's odd. And she unfriended you too? Maybe he said something to her that put her off? And she doesn't want him looking for her through your profile?I agree with the posters above, Ask them both how the meeting and conversation went.

And that's weird she wouldn't take a picture with you at all and it's been a year, maybe she's living a double life or something. Who knows but if she unfriended you over one incident where it wasn't your fault, whatever happened, then maybe you guys aren't as close as you thought you were.

Yes I second this, that seems to be the trigger to her strange behaviour. Did you not notice the closed FB profile whilst you were FB friends?

 

I don't find the name thing unusual, especially if she has been honest that Janet isn't her real name. I have lots of friends, particularly from China, who have adopted a 'western' name and only ever want to be called by that name. Perhaps she has had trouble from someone and so leaves her FB closed for that reason?

Hi Butterfly, she told me that Bill was hitting on her and he is very persistent.

But what I am asking for help on is regarding my friendship with her and that I feel duped....her entire facebook profile was fake.

It's like those profiles that people put up as a "front".

How do I know?

I look at my friend's profiles and everything is so transparent and normal.

I look at hers and it is like a quickly made profile so she can access and see profiles, posts and pictures of others

- No pictures of her or anyone

- No history of any real posts

- No friends

- No background, education, family or friends

Too much drama for me as I'm a simple guy.

She may not want a huge fb presence. She may not trust your judgement with pics, tagging, boundaries, etc. It sounds like she's annoyed at your friend and doesn't want him to contact her through friends of friends on fb. She's lesbian, why is he coming onto her?

She is openly lesbian with me.The next day, she texts me that Bill made her very uncomfortable and told me 4 times by text to not give her number to Bill.

I think the point you are overlooking here is she chose to no longer be friends. That doesn't require a major investigation. Accept it. Keep in mind she is from a different culture and this may just be her way.

I do not allow people to tag me on social media pictures. It has nothing to do with anything sinister. I like to control what's out there about me. And I have an ex who is abusive and I have successfully disappeared online in any method, profile or mention where he could find me. I use a nickname on the little social media i have that he wouldn't know and he doesn't know what city I am in. Also, I was friends with a foreign exchange student who went by a very common American name because hers was very difficult and partially not even in our alphabet. Also, she could have unfriended you because she feared Bill could find her by clicking on your profile and going to hers.

Also, when you went to this party - was it a party where there were a mixed group of people - all people in the same field - couples, singles, gay, straight, etc., or did you go to a lot of parties with Janet that were primarily lesbian women? janet could have been offended if you brought Bill to a party where there were numerous lesbians and he was propositioning her or other friends for threesomes, or he confronted Janet asking if the two of you were a couple or thought she was straight and was touchy feely,

Do you think Bill revealed something negative about YOU?

What I would do with this friendship is I would call Janet up to have coffee and not reference Facebook or anything that happened unless she brings it up. If she says she unfriended you, I would tell her that you didn't notice because you wouldn't know how to check that. I would attempt to continue the friendship. Unfriending someone on FB is not real life.

That's odd. And she unfriended you too? Maybe he said something to her that put her off? And she doesn't want him looking for her through your profile?I agree with the posters above, Ask them both how the meeting and conversation went.

 

And that's weird she wouldn't take a picture with you at all and it's been a year, maybe she's living a double life or something. Who knows but if she unfriended you over one incident where it wasn't your fault, whatever happened, then maybe you guys aren't as close as you thought you were.

Lucidious, I had some time to reflect on my thoughts and what you said is true.

1) I want friends who are easygoing. Her ducking out of any and all pictures (either with me or a harmless group picture) coupled with her fake Facebook profile makes me think that she is living a double life.

2) As for her unfriending me....I'm surprised she didn't tell me since I have never done her wrong. But it is a blessing in disguise as it made me find out all these weird things about her Facebook.

As I digest it more, I think she was using the fake name and Facebook profile as a "front" to go out and hang out as a lesbian, while hiding this social life from her traditional family and friends. While I can understand her motivations, I have never treated her poorly in our year of friendship.

I have enough dignity to not settle for her "crumbs" of this veneer of a friendship nor call her out on what I found out.

I think the dignified response is to move on to others who will treat me with as much respect and honesty as I will give them.

Lucidious, I had some time to reflect on my thoughts and what you said is true.

 

1) I want friends who are easygoing. Her ducking out of any and all pictures (either with me or a harmless group picture) coupled with her fake Facebook profile makes me think that she is living a double life.

 

2) As for her unfriending me....I'm surprised she didn't tell me since I have never done her wrong. But it is a blessing in disguise as it made me find out all these weird things about her Facebook.

 

As I digest it more, I think she was using a "front" to go out and hang out as a lesbian, while this social life from her traditional family and friends.

While I can understand her motivations, I have never treated her poorly in our year of friendship.

 

I have enough dignity to not settle for her "crumbs" of this veneer of a friendship nor call her out on what I found out.

 

I think the dignified response is to move on to others who will treat me with as much respect and honesty as I will give them.

I am really confused! She hasn't treated you in any way that is bad. She just doesn't want to be in pictures. I don't like being in pictures and its not about me being a bad friend, but other people being good friends and understanding that I don't like to be in photos so don't force me. Also, you have been her friend for a year. That's all. maybe if you knew her longer, she would reveal more about her family. Maybe her family is another city and they are estranged. Honestly, maybe its time to casually mention your niece or nephew and what they did and ask if she has any - or mention your siblings. Or talk about your home town and ask where she grew up. maybe the truth will come out and the truth is not exciting. Heck, maybe she is in the witness protection program

Instead of just doing a fade on her, if you are a true friend to her, I would ask about her life. She has not lied. You are friends who go to movies, etc, - and aren't deep, besties.

I think the point you are overlooking here is she chose to no longer be friends. That doesn't require a major investigation. Accept it. Keep in mind she is from a different culture and this may just be her way.

Thank you Edmund.

I want to be dignified in my response and if she chooses to unfriend me, then I'll quietly move on without any confrontation.

As I reflect on it, I am not comfortable with someone acting so weird (No pictures whatsoever, fake profile, fake name (even after 1 year)), so if she then has a need to unfriend me without telling me,

that's even more a strong confirmation that I should move on with my respect intact.

Lucidious, I had some time to reflect on my thoughts and what you said is true.

 

1) I want friends who are easygoing. Her ducking out of any and all pictures (either with me or a harmless group picture) coupled with her fake Facebook profile makes me think that she is living a double life.

 

2) As for her unfriending me....I'm surprised she didn't tell me since I have never done her wrong. But it is a blessing in disguise as it made me find out all these weird things about her Facebook.

 

As I digest it more, I think she was using a "front" to go out and hang out as a lesbian, while this social life from her traditional family and friends.

While I can understand her motivations, I have never treated her poorly in our year of friendship.

 

I have enough dignity to not settle for her "crumbs" of this veneer of a friendship nor call her out on what I found out.

 

I think the dignified response is to move on to others who will treat me with as much respect and honesty as I will give them.

Dude... she helped you out when you needed it. She went out of her way to be your friend. It seems odd to me that you are judging her as a fake because she has a different style in the way she uses social media.

Why don't you just talk to her? Ask her what is up. I mean... if you guys are really friends then you should be able to sit down and talk. There are a lot of perfectly good reasons for people not to want pictures of themselves all over the internet. Not to mention it sounds like she come from a different cultural background then you.... why don't you just TALK to your friend and find out what is up? She hasn't been lying to you or hiding anything... she just doesn't use facebook the same way you do. Does that make her not easy going?

You say you are settling for "crumbs" of friendship... but when you describe your friendship it sounds like she is responsive, not flakey and giving... How has ANYTHING she's done not treating you with respect? I don't see her being dishonest. When was she dishonest?

She can be Spiderman on fb if she wants. She is under no obligation to have her real name or picture on the internet. She is also under no obligation to broadcast her sexuality etc. This does make her "fake" it makes her discreet or private.

She unfriended you because your friend offended her at this party and she may not want to associate with him or you any longer. Why aren't you mad at Bill for being offensive and creepy toward her rather than all this discrediting and conspiracy theories?

Fb is not an FBI clearance vehicle where everyone must state everything.

I am not comfortable with someone acting so weird (No pictures whatsoever, fake profile, fake name

and she may not want to associate with him or you any longer. Why aren't you mad at Bill for being offensive and creepy toward her rather than all this discrediting and conspiracy theories?

but she did not "unfriend" in real life. Why are people so hung up on being slighted by what people do on Facebook? I am connecting with some people on social media that I am friends with in real life and some I am not. It makes me no less friends with the people I am not friended up with online.

Thank you everybody for your different and helpful replies.

I was so afraid of being duped (and potential drama) that I quickly wrote my friend off due to the fake name and profile (and preference about pictures).

But everyone here has a good point, she has been friend for a while (and I am realizing now that people can have fake profiles for privacy reasons and may not be trying to dupe you).

I'm going to give her space and time then reach out to her for coffee.

If she accepts, I can understand from her what happened and talk about our friendship and my desire for a bit more transparency.

if she ignores it, I will then take her unfriending me as her "subtle" way that she has ended our friendship and move on without any confrontation.

As for my friend Bill, I'm going to talk to him in person and have an honest conversation with him that he creep-ed out my friend

and that it was not cool -- and that I am not happy about his actions.

Thank you everybody for your different and helpful replies.

 

I was so afraid of being duped (and potential drama) that I quickly wrote my friend off due to the fake name and profile (and preference about pictures).

But everyone here has a good point, she has been friend for a while (and I am realizing now that people can have fake profiles for privacy reasons and may not be trying to dupe you).

 

I'm going to give her space and time then reach out to her for coffee.

If she accepts, I can understand from her what happened and talk about our friendship and my desire for a bit more transparency.

if she ignores it, I will then take her unfriending me as her "subtle" way that she has ended our friendship and move on without any confrontation.

 

As for my friend Bill, I'm going to talk to him in person and have an honest conversation with him that he creep-ed out my friend

and that it was not cool -- and that I am not happy about his actions.

Wow. You are way overreacting here. You knew her in real life so that is what you should be judging. Quit making assumptions about her life and fakery based on your reading of her FB page.

Now, you are gonna talk with Bill about his actions when you only have the story from her side. What happens when Bill says he doesn't know what you are talking about. Are you gonna then head back to her and confront about this "lie" when Bill could be lying.

For someone who doesn't like drama, you seem to be chasing it big time. Leave it alone. Go forward in your life.

I think it's important to hear Bill's side of the story, whatever happened that night caused Janet to suddenly unfriend you, maybe he knows her from somewhere else? Maybe he bad mouthed you? Who knows. It makes no sense whatsoever that she would unfriend you because Bill was coming on to her.

I think it might also be worth it to note that she might have a very minimal Facebook profile to avoid being found by people like Bill, who make her feel uncomfortable and would likely hunt her profile down on Facebook in lieu of not getting her phone number. Everything about her personality seems to be in line (and by that I mean she doesn't seem to be contradicting herself in any way and she doesn't seem to be lying).

I think you ought to talk to Bill before anything, still.

I think it's important to hear Bill's side of the story, whatever happened that night caused Janet to suddenly unfriend you, maybe he knows her from somewhere else? Maybe he bad mouthed you? Who knows. It makes no sense whatsoever that she would unfriend you because Bill was coming on to her.

Hi Notalady and Brienoch:

Thanks for your insights and advice. I will meet up with Bill and listen to what he has to say.

I'm sad and confused why Janet unfriended me due to Bill but I will give her space to let the situation settle.

As for Bill, I will mostly just listen to his account of the evening before doing anything else.

I honestly don't enjoy situations like this. It's stressful.

I wasn't even in the room as I was catching up with other people.

Maybe she's not even a lesbian.

Some people are bat-crazy on social media. It sounds to me she's hiding from people.

I would be interested to hear the updates..