Group of Three Friends

Hi, I am friends with two girls from work, but more friendly with one of them than the other. I have previously had the chance to go out for a few meals just me and the friend I get on best with. Lately however, the other friend has been having problems and my best friend has started involving her more and more in social events. I treasured these meals just the two of us as I very rarely have time just to talk to her and the other friend always takes over the conversation by talking about her problems. She would not go to the little pubs we used to go to as it was too far away for her to travel and didnt really like the meals and always wanted to get home early. Dont get me wrong I dont mind going on social occasions with this other friend but would like to keep these meal times separtely but I am worried that my best friend will think I'm being petty. How can I approach it and say it in a nice way without upsetting things?

My suggestion is that you do not say anything about this. Your best friend seems to want to help this other friend, and that is her priority, clearly. Threesomes just don't work, frankly. chi

So that means that I can never go again for a meal with my best friend just the two of us?

So that means that I can never go again for a meal with my best friend just the two of us?

I would wait for your best friend to initiate any meetup with you. chi

Ask her. that's all you can do. was there a falling out of some type or do these two have more in common. It's best not to get over attached to any one person and have a variety of friends.

So that means that I can never go again for a meal with my best friend just the two of us?

Perhaps I have worded this wrong. There has never been a fall out at all, just that me and my best friend used to go out for meals just the two of us. Lately however, the other friend who works with us has been having problems, and my best friend feels sorry for her. There has never been any mention that me or my best friend cannot continue these separate meals, but I am anxious should I suggest that we go out for a meal that she would always now want to include this third friend. I dont mind whilst this third friend is having the problems, but wouldnt want it to be a continuous thing. Does that make more sense?

The meals that me and my best friend had were precious as they were one of the few times we could talk to each other just the two of us and I would miss that. We would not be able to have the same level of conversation should the third person be there.

Why can't you simply invite this friend out? It's not a big deal that she wants to be friends with other people, you should be doing the same.

I dont mind whilst this third friend is having the problems, but wouldnt want it to be a continuous thing.

I do have other friends that I see as well and I dont mind this other friend coming out, but sometimes I would like to have a chat with my best friend just to two of us.

The meals that me and my best friend had were precious as they were one of the few times we could talk to each other just the two of us and I would miss that. We would not be able to have the same level of conversation should the third person be there.

I...I...I You are only looking at this from your perspective. These lunch dates were precious to you. Maybe they were not so precious to your best friend. Maybe she just prefers the company of this other friend. Maybe you should just ask her if that is the case. You are making this all about you. Ask her what she wants. If she does not want to make time for you it would be best if you knew that. :subdued: chi

My best friend also has lots of other friends to and thats not a problem at all. I dont see her very often on a one-to-one basis is all I am saying and I would just like every now and again that time to spend just the two of us like we did before. Not all the time and every time, just every now and again.

It's unclear why you can't just invite her out just the two of you?

I would like to have a chat with my best friend just to two of us.

I miss our little one-to-one chats and wouldnt like to think that I could never have that again.

i think you can totally tell bestie you like friend 3 and meals together but that you also enjoy lunches with just her (bestie). i would say it like hey wanna grab our luch at----? i found a nice bookshop on ----we could take Three to on thursday to cheer her up a bit.

Three could be in need of transient extra support, in which case i would suck it up and be there for her. if it turns out she's an emo vampire who always has drama requiring extra support, bestie will get tired of it pretty soon and avoid calling her for lunch too often.

so i don't think you have much to lose by bearing it for a while. i would NOT complain to bestie about Three feeling like a bit of a burden at times. bestie is being empathic and would find it harsh methinks.

maybe Three is a really really really good person. if you support her through this wholeheartedly, you might have a second bestie in the making as well.

no harm in being nice and patient for a while.

I miss our little one-to-one chats and wouldnt like to think that I could never have that again.

"Jane, I'd love to get together for another one-on-one chat. Can you meet next week for lunch on Tuesday or Wed?" And then another time invite both of them so you don't come across as shutting out the other friend.

Thanks RainyCoast thats good advice and yes I wouldnt dream of complaining to bestie about 3 and I want to be supportive of her too. I just would still like some times to go out just the two of us or is that wrong?

I think I would just say to Bestie every now and again should she insist that Three comes along all the time that It would be nice on this occasion if it was just the two of us so we could have a nice chat. How does that sound?

Why can't you just invite her out one-on-one? What's the problem? If you can't communicate the simplest things or invite her out, how is she "your bestie"?

I just would still like some times to go out just the two of us or is that wrong?

Because my bestie is a really lovely person and wouldnt want to upset the other friend if the other friend found out that she had not been invited.

i'm with wisey and journey on this-- instead of waiting for her to suggest a threesome lunch to throw in my "how about just us this time" response, i would initiate the twosome lunch, followed with a suggestion to include three for brunch, coffee, movies within the next few days. have a place in mind and suggest a day, it's like with dating, if you want to be convincing (rather than appear like you're just trying to exclude 3) you need to have an outing planned (as opposed to "sometime in the future we can take three along" or just conveniently forgetting to mention three alltogether).

explicitly saying that you wanted to avoid three for this meal could be interpreted as "i'm getting tired of her" at this point.

i'd stick to "gosh i missed talking to you about XYZ (you probably only talk about Three's problems at threesome lunches these days) over lunch! hey, we could take Three to ________ thursday (give her a day so she doesn't immediately ring up three to join you for lunch) to cheer her up a bit."

Because my bestie is a really lovely person and wouldnt want to upset the other friend if the other friend found out that she had not been invited.

it won't upset her. you'll have a bookshop with really good coffee planned out ahead for her, which clearly says "i've been thinking about Three and spending time with her and cheering her up".

That's it - I dont want to shut three out at all. Most of the outings where my bestie from work is wanting to include three are actually work does so maybe that explains it. I will suggest to my bestie how about just the two of us go out for a meal soon so we can have a catch up, if she says we should ask three, then say yes we could invite her next time .

or I would just like a bit of time with you on this occasion as we dont often get time out of the office just the two of us these days without interruption.

Or just give her a call, "Jane, I've meant to ask you how such-and-such has been going for you? I remember last time we talked about it you mentioned this-and-that…" Have a catchup in between your threesome meetings. That's one of the benefits of phone calls, it's one-on-one. Or, Skype! I catch up regularly with a long-distance friend on Skype and it's great.

Call her on the phone to chat.