Opposites Attract?

** mature - mild sexual content **

So my boyfriend is 'addicted' to sex, to the point where he wants it 6-7 times a day.

I on the other hand am considered a 'prude', I would prefer to only do this maybe twice a month, but I'd be fine with never(however I know that is unrealistic). And it's not that I'm not attracted to him, it's just boring and uncomfortable to me.

It's been causing some issue lately. It makes him feel like I don't find him attractive and that he isn't good enough. And it makes me feel like all I'm here for is sex. We've tried a million times to sit down and compromise, but it never works for more than 2 days. Aside from this we are very happy together, I have absolutely no intentions of ending things with him over this. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this and/or if anyone has any ideas how we could work on fixing it.

Are you living together? Being this sexually incompatible will certainly cause issues. Are you depressed or do you have a type of OCD/anxiety? Or are you asexual? Do you have a low libido from untreated health issues? Do you drink or use pain meds etc.?

What do you mean 'compromise'? How old are you? How old is he? How was it in the beginning and when did is get bad? When you moved into his place?

I would prefer to only do this maybe twice a month, but I'd be fine with never

I seriously don't think this will ever work. You guys are way extreme opposites.

My gf likes to have it a little more than I do but its because im tired a lot from work

but we make it work

but your situation is just complete polar opposites. I like this might continue to be an

issue.

Yes we live together, I do personally struggle with mental health issues and he does as well. I wouldn't completely lable myself as asexual but I definitely do represent some characteristics of being so. I drink very occasionally, once or twice a month maybe. I'm 20 and he is 21. We would compromise by agreeing on what days of the weeks we would do it so I could prepare and we could compromise on how often it's happening. When we first got together we were pretty active for about 2 months because of that 'honey moon' stage of a relationship, but it slowly started to die down because I was not enjoying how often it was happening and then I began to not enjoy it at all. It's never been something I'm interested in spending my time doing. If we do it when I'm actually in the mood it's amazing, but I'm rarely in the mood so every other time we end up arguing. We have tried talking to councillors about this and they told him 'it's normal to crave it at your age' and now it's stuck in his head that it's normal to do it 7 times a day. If we do it 3-4 a week I can deal with that I'm not going to completely deprive him. But when he pushes at it all day it makes me not want to do it at all

I seriously don't think this will ever work. You guys are way extreme opposites.

 

My gf likes to have it a little more than I do but its because im tired a lot from work

but we make it work

 

but your situation is just complete polar opposites. I like this might continue to be an

issue.

It runs in his family to be the way he is, and it usually dies down around 30. And we've been together for a long time and I honestly don't want to end that over sexual addictions that will most likely fade within the next few years

Do either of you work? When does he have time to approach you "7 times a day"?

Yes we live together. I'm 20 and he is 21. When we first got together we were pretty active for about 2 months because of that 'honey moon' stage of a relationship. I'm rarely in the mood so every other time we end up arguing.

It runs in his family to be the way he is, and it usually dies down around 30. And we've been together for a long time and I honestly don't want to end that over sexual addictions that will most likely fade within the next few years

You really think that runs in the family?

Matters not why and how. I myself have a high libido and cant imagine being with a partner with a low one. I am sure sooner or later he will start to resent you for it or want more. And dont feel likes its your fault you dont have his sex drive. Its not.

okay.... I'm going to say it...

If your sex is that un-enjoyable that you only want it once or twice per month, then he clearly isn't attending to your needs. If you are reluctant to do it more and are only doing it to compromise, and you have to prepare for the unpleasant experience, then there is clearly something that you need to sort out. You will never enjoy it if you dread it happening... this will in turn make you more tense and make you more uncomfortable. Is it just sexual intercourse you have problems with ? Do you ever touch yourself, purely for your pleasure ? If so, is there something different you could do with him that would enable you to enjoy it more. ( for example, many women who find themselves to tense for vaginal sex, do enjoy receiving oral ) . Alternatively, would you be willing to do things so your other half gets off... eg hands, oral, etc ?

You really think that runs in the family?

 

Matters not why and how. I myself have a high libido and cant imagine being with a partner with a low one. I am sure sooner or later he will start to resent you for it or want more. And dont feel likes its your fault you dont have his sex drive. Its not.

Yes I do notice small resentment, but we don't really base our relationship on sex, and I give it to him as often as I can with keeping myself happy and comfortable. But my question is, is it really normal that he wants it so often? I understand a normal sex drive but I feel as though he has an unhealthy amount of drive, I mean anytime we are around each other it's all he asks for, I would be a little less questionable if he didn't ask for it 24/7... I don't know... I know it's not my fault because I can't control my drive, and I understand neither can he but I have never met, or heard of somebody being as obsessed with it as him. He acts as though he can't go a day without it or he gets very moody and emotional.

okay.... I'm going to say it...

 

If your sex is that un-enjoyable that you only want it once or twice per month, then he clearly isn't attending to your needs. If you are reluctant to do it more and are only doing it to compromise, and you have to prepare for the unpleasant experience, then there is clearly something that you need to sort out. You will never enjoy it if you dread it happening... this will in turn make you more tense and make you more uncomfortable. Is it just sexual intercourse you have problems with ? Do you ever touch yourself, purely for your pleasure ? If so, is there something different you could do with him that would enable you to enjoy it more. ( for example, many women who find themselves to tense for vaginal sex, do enjoy receiving oral ) . Alternatively, would you be willing to do things so your other half gets off... eg hands, oral, etc ?

No I don't really pleasure myself at all, I literally just have absolutely no desire for sexual acts... I don't think it's anything he's doing wrong I'm just not a sexual person. And most of the time I do give him oral/hand but it's never enough he just wants to do it right after anyways. It's not just intercourse that I don't like, it's anything sexual I just don't enjoy it and in the beginning of our relationship I may have misled him because I did do it with him pretty often, but we hardly saw each other and he didn't center our whole relationship around it. Now it's just like if he doesn't get actual intercourse once a day he falls apart and can't handle anything, he's addicted to it as if it was a drug it seems. I just don't know what I can do to help cure him of this because your right, I don't want to force myself to pretend and dread an act that should be intimate. However I don't know what else there is to do....

Yes I do notice small resentment, but we don't really base our relationship on sex, and I give it to him as often as I can with keeping myself happy and comfortable. But my question is, is it really normal that he wants it so often? I understand a normal sex drive but I feel as though he has an unhealthy amount of drive, I mean anytime we are around each other it's all he asks for, I would be a little less questionable if he didn't ask for it 24/7... I don't know... I know it's not my fault because I can't control my drive, and I understand neither can he but I have never met, or heard of somebody being as obsessed with it as him. He acts as though he can't go a day without it or he gets very moody and emotional.

We can't diagnose him as being abnormal but based on what you've shared, if he needs it 7 times a day and you only tolerate it once or twice a month and would be happy with never having it, you two are serious mismatch.

A vicious cycle ensues. The less he gets it, the more he wants it. The more you have to do it, the less you want it. Resentment all the way around.

Do either of you work? When does he have time to approach you "7 times a day"?

Yes we both work full time jobs, however we work the same shifts on the same days so we are always off at the same time and since we live together we are with each other quiet often. We both work night shifts, so it's always from morning until we leave for work, and then he asks right before bed as well.

If my gf wanted to have sex 6-7 times a day, I would start to dislike sex too.

As time goes on, this will be something that will have a negative impact on your relationship.

It sounds like as soon as he let you move in with him, you became asexual? Wanting sex once a day at 21 yrs old is healthy not "an addict".

What's not healthy is your poor libido and becoming asexual after moving in with him. Are you working? Are you tired all the time? What's the problem?

I may have misled him because I did do it with him pretty often, but we hardly saw each other and he didn't center our whole relationship around it.

You can't fix him because he is not broken. You went to counseling and were actually told so to your face by a professional and yet, you still don't want to accept that. He is not broken, you are not broken, the two of you are not sexually compatible. Complete and utter mismatch.

Clinging on will either end up with him dumping you, or cheating on you, or demanding an open relationship where he can get his needs met elsewhere. You two are a complete and utter mismatch and at your age, way too young to be clinging on like that for dear life. Get out and experience life and what actual compatibility is like with the right person. You will find that you like that much better.

Yes I do notice small resentment, but we don't really base our relationship on sex, and I give it to him as often as I can with keeping myself happy and comfortable. But my question is, is it really normal that he wants it so often? I understand a normal sex drive but I feel as though he has an unhealthy amount of drive, I mean anytime we are around each other it's all he asks for, I would be a little less questionable if he didn't ask for it 24/7... I don't know... I know it's not my fault because I can't control my drive, and I understand neither can he but I have never met, or heard of somebody being as obsessed with it as him. He acts as though he can't go a day without it or he gets very moody and emotional.

He's 21. He's practically still a teenager. When I was that age I wanted sex A LOT. Maybe not 7 times a day but it could feel like that if I was having sex less then once or twice a day. Was it normal? I have no idea. I was pre-sexualized as a kid and my sex drive was so high is was destructive to my relationships. But now that i look back it wasn't my sex drive that was destructive... it was my demanding, my since of entitlement to sex and my general lack of respect for my partners needs. I though I was owed sex. I pushed for it a lot. I was manipulative and selfish.

I'm 32 now... and I wouldn't say my sex drive has changed a whole lot, it's still high and I love a day when I can have sex for hours...what changed was my ability to be a good partner, to know myself and to take care of my own needs. Part of that taking care of myself was finding partners who were supportive and understanding of my sexual needs. A part of it was just growing up and learning how to respect the people I am in relationships with.

It sounds like as soon as he let you move in with him, you became asexual? Wanting sex once a day at 21 yrs old is healthy not "an addict".

 

What's not healthy is your poor libido and becoming asexual after moving in with him. Are you working? Are you tired all the time? What's the problem?

It's not that I just stopped when we moved in together. Even in my past relationships I have been like this. Just when him and I first got together we only saw each other about 1-2 days out of the month so we were still doing it just as often as we do now he just couldn't beg for it because we didn't live together. And it's not that I'm tired all the time, I would just rather not. I physically just don't get aroused and don't enjoy it... I'd rather spend my time doing something else. I have never been a sexual person it doesn't intrigue me, I have no interest in it I just find it boring.

"I have never been a sexual person it doesn't intrigue me, I have no interest in it I just find it boring."

Not much point then in being in a relationship with this man or any man. You might as well go live with a brother.

He's 21. He's practically still a teenager. When I was that age I wanted sex A LOT. Maybe not 7 times a day but it could feel like that if I was having sex less then once or twice a day. Was it normal? I have no idea. I was pre-sexualized as a kid and my sex drive was so high is was destructive to my relationships. But now that i look back it wasn't my sex drive that was destructive... it was my demanding, my since of entitlement to sex and my general lack of respect for my partners needs. I though I was owed sex. I pushed for it a lot. I was manipulative and selfish.

 

I'm 32 now... and I wouldn't say my sex drive has changed a whole lot, it's still high and I love a day when I can have sex for hours...what changed was my ability to be a good partner, to know myself and to take care of my own needs. Part of that taking care of myself was finding partners who were supportive and understanding of my sexual needs. A part of it was just growing up and learning how to respect the people I am in relationships with.

This is the kind of response I was looking for, not telling me him and I need to break up because we don't match but letting me understand from his point of view. That helps me a lot, and there are many times when he regrets pushing me to do it and breaks down because he feels like it hurts my feelings, and it doesn't so much hurt my feels just annoys me. But now I understand I'm sure he is experiencing the same thing and him and I both need to work on respecting each other a little more. I don't actually think he is only in this relationship for sex, it may feel that way sometimes however he does show how he is trying to change and now I understand his point of view slightly more! Thank you!

Why do you live with him? You're only 20 and asexual. Why not live with your parents or roommates? Does he support you?

it's not that I'm tired all the time, I would just rather not. I physically just don't get aroused and don't enjoy it... I'd rather spend my time doing something else. I have never been a sexual person it doesn't intrigue me, I have no interest in it I just find it boring.

"it doesn't so much hurt my feels just annoys me."

It's boring, and unless he wants to have a platonic relationship with you (which I doubt) I don't see where this is going.

Why do you live with him? You're only 20 and asexual. Why not live with your parents or roommates? Does he support you?

My family was unable to care for me when I was 13, and I moved out at 15 and I have been on my own since. My boyfriend and I dated for nearly 2 years before we moved in together, and we moved in together because financially it was the best option for us and he was losing his place anyways so I let him move in to my place

"it doesn't so much hurt my feels just annoys me."

 

It's boring, and unless he wants to have a platonic relationship with you (which I doubt) I don't see where this is going.

I do not appreciate the disrespect of criticizing my sexuality preferences. My boyfriend and I do not base our entire relationship off sex, it was just something I wanted to know if his sex drive was normal, i learned it is. I wanted to understand how my boyfriend feels, a kind man explained it to me in a respectful manner and now I understand. Many people who have responded to this have been negative and telling me to just give up on the relationship because we aren't sexually compatible... I'm not going to just give up on a 2 year relationship because I don't enjoy sex, my boyfriend and I have talked about this personally and we have both agreed that sex is not going to make or break our relationship. I just wanted to understand his side and have a simple question answered. Both were done now there is no reason to continue with the negative comments. Please don't hate on me because I'm not sexually intrigued and don't want to have intercourse with my boyfriend 24/7.

When I was 21 I could go 5-6 times in a night. I think 6 was the most I ever pulled off. Yes, he is a somewhat horny young male. But even as a horny young male he should realize that just because you can doesnt mean you always have to.

It sounds like if you can work out the sexual part it would help. How is the rest of the relationship? For example, do you want to have kids? a future together? etc?

My family was unable to care for me when I was 13, and I moved out at 15 and I have been on my own since. My boyfriend and I dated for nearly 2 years before we moved in together, and we moved in together because financially it was the best option for us and he was losing his place anyways so I let him move in to my place