Freedom

I have been with my boyfriend for a year, and he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He has helped me through so many bad habits and walked with me to become a new person. However there is one habit I can not seem to break. Trust. He has never done anything to make me question my trust for him, he is very loyal and honest and we have amazing communication. My problem is my history with dating, in the few long term relationships I have had there was no trust. I knew every time my partner would leave home they were lying to me about what they were doing. I am pretty confident my boyfriend would never do this to me, he has given me no reason to believe he would. In fact he has done everything he can to try and help me break this bad habit, by contacting me often whenever we are not together, coming home and telling me about his day, etc. And I do admit I can get to attached and become controlling, that's my bad habit. I can't help myself but to get upset when he wants to leave the house without me, It usually results in a panic attack and me ruining my boyfriends plans. I don't want to keep doing this to him, I want to show him I trust him I just don't know what I can do to just calm down and enjoy my own company instead of getting jealous while he is out having fun without me. I feel like I have tried everything, and I'm willing to keep trying anything to break this habit and make him feel like he has the freedom I want him to have.

Any pointers....? (My apologies for the long paragraph and run on sentences) thank you in advance to anybody who tries to help.

Unfortunately treating a new relationship as if he is guilty for your past will eventually sabotage it. Right now you have him on a short leash like a parolee to reassure yourself but after a time he may resent being treated like a criminal for your unresolved past baggage.

If you care about him and want this to survive, take care of this trust issue on your own. Go to therapy, get involved in your own life, friends, interests, work school, family, etc.

You are creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy that they will leave you because of the suffocating controlling environment.

I can't help myself but to get upset when he wants to leave the house without me, It usually results in a panic attack and me ruining my boyfriends plans. I don't want to keep doing this to him, I want to show him I trust him I just don't know what I can do to just calm down and enjoy my own company instead of getting jealous while he is out having fun without me.

Unfortunately treating a new relationship as if he is guilty for your past will eventually sabotage it. Right now you have him on a short leash like a parolee to reassure yourself but after a time he may resent being treated like a criminal for your unresolved past baggage.

 

If you care about him and want this to survive, take care of this trust issue on your own. Go to therapy, get involved in your own life, friends, interests, work school, family, etc.

 

You are creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy that they will leave you because of the suffocating controlling environment.

After a time he WILL resent you.

Seek help to deal with your feelings of insecurity. You will never have a healthy relationship until you do.

Thanks guys, I'm afraid of him resenting me, I know that's what it will come to if I don't get my own insecurities together. I should invest in a time consuming Hobby to distract myself when he isn't around.

If you are bored/have no life, that is part of the clingy problem if the other is insecurity/jealousy then the solution still remains the same.

Therapy, develop yourself as a whole person with your own friends, interests, goals, activities, etc. You can't live vicariously through anyone or latch on in an emotionally parasitic way without damaging things for yourself.

True no one wants to be a baby sitter or be under a microscope.

Thanks guys, I'm afraid of him resenting me, I know that's what it will come to if I don't get my own insecurities together. I should invest in a time consuming Hobby to distract myself when he isn't around.

If you are bored/have no life, that is part of the clingy problem if the other is insecurity/jealousy then the solution still remains the same.

 

Therapy, develop yourself as a whole person with your own friends, interests, goals, activities, etc. You can't live vicariously through anyone or latch on in an emotionally parasitic way without damaging things for yourself.

 

True no one wants to be a baby sitter or be under a microscope.

Yeah, I'm thankful he has stayed this long, I'm

going to talk to him today about taking a day or two to stay with his friends so I can get some things done and distract myself with cleaning, maybe I'll invite a friend over to help me too. And I'll do my best to not ask about little details of his day when he returns. Does that sound like a good idea...?

Just keep busy with your friends. It's fine to talk about how each other's day was etc. Just don't interrogate. You don't need to tell him what to do either.

Do you live together? Try to develop more interests than cleaning. Why not get therapy rather than repackage the same problem with the same problematic behaviors?

I'm

going to talk to him today about taking a day or two to stay with his friends so I can get some things done and distract myself with cleaning, maybe I'll invite a friend over to help me too.

Does he trust you? Why or why not