Ex-boyfriend going on a date tonight (still live together)

A week ago or so, I posted something detailing some recent struggles. To summarize, I still live with my ex-boyfriend, it feels horrible. I still love him and vice versa but I can't trust him. He destroyed me, I destroyed him. It's very toxic. I was ready to move out, but then my car broke down. My car is still in the shop, I'm going to look at it today, but it's been quoted $1500 to fix, I only paid $2500 for the thing! Without a car, I basically can't do anything. If I pay to fix my car, it's only a matter of time before it breaks again and I'm out all the money I had saved to move out.

That's all beside the point. My ex-boyfriend says all the time that he "needs love and affection" that I don't give him. Clearly, I'm under no obligation to do so since we aren't together, but he's been trying to get back together with me for about a year or more now. I keep spurning him, it's painful for us both. Regardless, he says since he "needs" it and I'm not giving it to him, that he decided to seek it elsewhere and that he has a date Wednesday (today).

I feel... broken. I shouldn't. I spent the whole year doing what I thought amounted to getting over him, even developing feelings for someone else (although that also kind of crashed and burned, probably for the best). I can't wrap my head around it. I'm breaking up with him to figure myself out, to be alone. Not because I don't love him, but because I don't trust him. I tried to explain it yesterday. He told me I've been destroying him all this time as he's tried so hard to get me back, and he just wants me to believe it when he says he loves me. I did bring up that he sought after other women during our entire relationship when I was fully committed, that I became someone I didn't want to be because of it (a suspicious snooper among other things). He said that stuff was dead and buried and he wants to move forward. My response was this: It's not about love. I believe it when you say you love me, and I love you more than you know, which is why I've stayed this long. It has nothing to do with love, it's about trust. I said I couldn't just develop amnesia from what happened, it's not dead and buried to me. He said "it will never be dead and buried for you," to which I replied something along the lines of "exactly." We didn't talk for hours after that until he came home later, at which point we apologized for saying some of the more horrible things we said to each other (and boy were they horrible).

Regardless, I spent the majority of yesterday intermittently crying. I feel this has to be among the biggest mistakes in my life. My heart is broken but he doesn't believe me when I say so. He sees himself as the only victim. He feels he needs to cling to someone for love and affection, and I don't know why it still bothers me so much that he's already ready to replace me (even though he seemingly spent the entire duration of our relationship seeking out other women). I want to make myself scarce tonight even though he won't be home, but I don't have a car. I know what the right decision is, and it's to leave. It's my fault things are the way they are, and it's my fault that he now resents me and hates me. I should have left a long time ago. I'm having such a hard time accepting this and taking action. I have my wits about me, I have analyzed the situation over and over, I've gotten third-party objective advice from this forum, as well as third-party subjective advice from friends and family, and always come to the same conclusion... but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Where do I go from here?

Sorry to hear how difficult this is but it seems to have shifted from cheating while in a relationship to an open relationship/roommates situation.

What's difficult is you are neither together nor free because of the economics of living together and remaining emotionally attached with the unresolved history still in tow.

My ex-boyfriend says all the time that he "needs love and affection" that I don't give him.he says since he "needs" it and I'm not giving it to him, that he decided to seek it elsewhere and that he has a date Wednesday

Right! I need to leave but every time I am ready to do it, I seem to take some kind of financial blow (before it was getting laid off, now it's my car) which forces me to rethink if I even want to leave. I'm holding myself back and I know that for sure. I keep asking myself why I am being so stupid. When it comes down to it, it seems to be because I feel responsible for other people's feelings.

Right! I need to leave but every time I am ready to do it, I seem to take some kind of financial blow (before it was getting laid off, now it's my car) which forces me to rethink if I even want to leave. I'm holding myself back and I know that for sure. I keep asking myself why I am being so stupid. When it comes down to it, it seems to be because I feel responsible for other people's feelings.

Except that you are only responsible for your own.

I hate to add to your anxiety, but if he is heading out on dates, I think you need to focus all you have on leaving because the writing is on the wall. Once he meets someone, he will be telling you to move out whether you like it or not. I don't think you want to find yourself in a situation where you have 30 days to get out or else. Start looking for a room, roommates, etc. I don't know what your job situation is right now, but this is the one time of the year where temp/seasonal jobs are all over the place. Good opportunity to get something on the side to shore yourself up financially. I'd spend less time thinking about him and get cracking on more practical stuff.

I've got a great job (I was given a $3/hour raise after only being here 6 months!), and an apartment basically I just need to put down the deposit but I have no car to go make the money order to do it! I'm looking at my car today and making the final decision. I need and mostly want to leave, that's the important part. But the little part of me that is scared of leaving places that doubt in my mind. You're right though, I ought to spend less time thinking about him and taking action instead. The more I sit and stew about it, the less action I'm taking. I think you've hit it on the head DancingFool... I'm overthinking it. That's precisely what's holding me back.

You need to think positive, if you're constantly thinking about what's going wrong that's all you'll attract back. By any means necessary you need to put the deposit down and get the hell away from your ex. You need a clean break, dig deep and get out of this situation

There is absolutely nobody who can give you a ride to the bank and to the new apartment to put down the deposit?

There is absolutely nobody who can give you a ride to the bank and to the new apartment to put down the deposit?

I can put down the deposit. The bigger issue is long-term. The mechanic is quoting $1500 to fix my car, the deposit is $500. If I decide not to fix my car, I still have to pay them for the labor since they already took it apart to diagnose it, the labor will run around $500, possibly more. I based that off the invoice they gave me last time I went there for an update, but they've done more work since. If I decide to fix the car, I can still pay the deposit on the apartment but not first month's rent. This is all what I'll be figuring out today when I go look at the car. If I do fix it, I'll probably try to rent a room instead of getting my own apartment.

I can put down the deposit. The bigger issue is long-term. The mechanic is quoting $1500 to fix my car, the deposit is $500. If I decide not to fix my car, I still have to pay them for the labor since they already took it apart to diagnose it, the labor will run around $500, possibly more. I based that off the invoice they gave me last time I went there for an update, but they've done more work since. If I decide to fix the car, I can still pay the deposit on the apartment but not first month's rent. This is all what I'll be figuring out today when I go look at the car. If I do fix it, I'll probably try to rent a room instead of getting my own apartment.

That's a good idea, at least temporarily. That way you'll be out of there. Plus you'd have time to save up for your own apartment.

Where do I go from here?

I can only speak for myself. I'd live in a room at a boarding house of with a friend or family before I'd stay in the same home with an ex. You've been dragging this out for over a year. I'd do whatever it takes to get myself out of there, and then you'll gain enough clarity to plan next steps.

Hi brienoch. I'm not really sure how you thought you were going to get over him when you are still living with him, not to mention still in love with him.

Without wanting to sound harsh, you can't spend a year spurning someone and not expect them to move on eventually. You've both been hanging on but someone was always going to break free first .... and judging by his past, it was going to be him.

Living together has caused a lot of confusion. He has probably been spending the last year trying to prove to you that you CAN trust him whereas you haven't really spent the last year doing or looking at anything objectively and are stuck in the same spot you were in when you first broke up. If you didn't want to work on the relationship and on trusting him again (and I don't blame you) then you should have moved out.

There's only one thing you CAN do .... and you know what that is. I know you've heard it all before but there are NO other answers. No more excuses. You have to make it happen. There is always a way.

If you can't afford to or are afraid of living alone, perhaps you could define things better? For example, just be completely separate roommates with no couple like activities/expectations.

Depending on him both financially, emotionally and on the practice level for this long may be what's behind all the excuses. To be honest life happens whether you are in this situation or not. cars break down, unexpected expenses occur, etc.

Perhaps first ease out of the dependency and then move out when you have your ducks in a row financially,etc. rather than plan half-hearted attempts when upset that really aren't planned or prepared for.

Of course your friends will say move out asap, but since that's causing a panic reaction, since you're not prepared on any level why do that? Do what works and is well planned for, not a knee jerk room rental with no car because he had a date.

This is all what I'll be figuring out today when I go look at the car. If I do fix it, I'll probably try to rent a room instead of getting my own apartment.

Just out of curiosity, do you two still sleep together?

I do think moving out asap is a good idea. Why prolong the situation? How would you feel if you're living there and he brings a woman home to spend the night? Could you handle hearing them having sex? Could you handle seeing them the next morning in the kitchen together?

I know I got way better once I moved away from my ex. We had a toxic relationship too, but I was only able to break away and lose the feelings once I made sure to get far away from him.

Right! I need to leave but every time I am ready to do it, I seem to take some kind of financial blow (before it was getting laid off, now it's my car) which forces me to rethink if I even want to leave. I'm holding myself back and I know that for sure. I keep asking myself why I am being so stupid. When it comes down to it, it seems to be because I feel responsible for other people's feelings.

To a certain extent, I think you have to put all of your focus and energy on the end goal of moving. All you are mired in now is the "hamster in the wheel" drama back and forth because proximity promotes insanity. All of this emotional drama (How can he replace me? Can I win her back? Etc etc.) will die a silent death because you'll (hopefully) be in no contact by that point.

UPDATE: You are all so completely right. I know I shouldn't be so upset that he's trying to move on, he should be, and this is technically what I wanted. To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to hurt me this much or to be this hard. But the bottom line is that I do still love him regardless of the amount of time I tried to convince myself that I didn't. I know I did the wrong thing by sticking around and spurning him, I was just hoping that I would be able to regain trust, and I did try. After his date that night, he went out all night with friends and didn't come home until 6 am. I was sick, and called out sick from work, which sort of put a damper on the plans he made with said girl, which were to go out for pizza and then bring her to our apartment to meet our (well, his...) dog. I felt crushed. He took her to the park, she met all of our neighbors. I decided to leave the house before they got there, I ended up puking bile and napping in my car until my friend was off work.

I met my friend for dinner, we also had some beer afterward. He's also gone through a break up recently. It just so happens that while we were out for drinks, his ex messaged him wanting to meet up. After I went home, she bombarded him with messages and he was feeling weak, almost weak enough to give in and see her. I wouldn't let it happen! He saved my butt earlier, it was my turn to save his. My ex slept on the couch for about an hour and a half before he went out all night again and didn't come home, I had my friend come over so we could walk and keep him calm. Needless to say, everything feels so difficult right now, and being sick isn't helping. I hate how much I hurt my ex. I hate how I can't for some reason get angry about what he did to me, and what he's doing now. I know I'll adapt, it's about getting through this necessary pain.

BTW: I got my car back, I paid them $450 in labor, they didn't fix anything. I basically paid them to take it apart, diagnose it, and put it back together. It still runs, but I'm going to sell it for cash before it craps out on me completely. I'm also signing the lease for the new apartment today.

There is NO need to be angry about what he's doing now. You're his ex and he's trying to move on. That is completely the right thing to do.

And YOU have done the right thing by signing the lease. When will you be able to move out.

Well, he is doing it purposely to get a reaction out of me, and has even said as much to my face. He wants me to break down, tell him I love him and trust him again and get back together with him. Each time he leaves for his date, he says "I wish it was you." That's where the anger should come in, but I'm not angry. At least I'm told that anger in place of sadness can help motivate me to get things done faster. I'm trying my best to accept it and be happy for him. I can move out this weekend.

Doesn't staying out all night and bringing home chicks for pizza seem like an odd way to accomplish this?

He wants me to break down, tell him I love him and trust him again and get back together with him.

Doesn't staying out all night and bringing home chicks for pizza seem like an odd way to accomplish this?

Yes, it is! He's trying to show me how things can be one way or the other. He told me to my face before he went on his date that all I had to do was say I want him to stay and he'd do it. He goes on his date, and calls me later (after completely ignoring me when I asked him not to bring her since I had thrown up everywhere and wanted to sleep) asking if I wanted to get dinner with him. Basically, he's trying to get me to feel jealous and change my mind, beg for him back type thing.

Well, he is doing it purposely to get a reaction out of me, and has even said as much to my face. He wants me to break down, tell him I love him and trust him again and get back together with him. Each time he leaves for his date, he says "I wish it was you." That's where the anger should come in, but I'm not angry. At least I'm told that anger in place of sadness can help motivate me to get things done faster. I'm trying my best to accept it and be happy for him. I can move out this weekend.

Ew.

That's just as toxic, if not moreso, than breaking up with someone, saying you still love them, and then spurning their on-going efforts to reconcile while still living with them. It sounds like you both have done a lot to hurt each other!

When you move out, go no contact.