Men only, do you coach?

In a 10 yr relationship and my boyfriend coaches softball and is a board member for the league where he coaches at. He is the type of coach that arrives an hour and ahalf early to practice (the park is literally one block away from our home)and the type of board member that everyone takes advantage of because they know he can be counted on. The president of the league has even said, my boyfriend is the one and ONLY person who spends more time at the park than anyone he's known and he's been involved with this league for about 20yrs. Average week is 2 daysof practice from 730p to 9p and then games on Saturdays unless it's tournament weekends. Now, he gets off work at 5p, had his work schedules changed to accommodate his practice and game times and please keep in mind that he leaves one hour and a half early to practice so when he gets home, its a bit of tv and then he crashes out on the couch. And on the days he doesn't practice, hes usually at the park fullfiling board member duties or at a board meet. I joined the board one season to get involved because i figured this is something he loves and already i had addressed my issue of how i don't ever see him, so i thought this would bring us closer. It didnt, i got outvoted the following season, and just let the issue go. Recently, he started to travel further out for tournaments to which i have to invite myself to that leads to me not going at all because of the drama he creates because I'm going. Now, here's my issue, theres a tournament in Las Vegas coming up that he had already told me about, asked if i wanted to go, i said yes and then i suggested that we go off and spend quality time together when he's not on the field. His reaction was this; "this is not a vacation, what part of that are you not understanding?"i dont think you understand organized sports!" I said, look, realistically we can't afford to go on vavation so all I'm saying is that since we're going to be in Vegas, when you're not on the field, let's go off and do things just you and i!! He said, this is a team thing, so if the girls want to go eat or do something i need you to just go with the flow!. He then said, what do you want me to tell a parent if they ask hey coach whst are your plans after the game? You want me to lie and say, oh nothing? I said, yes, you don't owe them explanations, just say, i dont know, and this way we can go off and hang out. He said, you don't understand what being on a team is all about. I say, look, i get it, you're dedicated, i know what being part of a team is about but that doesn't mean you have to spend all the time with them. Anyways, that's the argument, that i don't understand that this isnt a vacation, and i dont understand what being a coach is about. Im going crazy trying to make him understand my point of view and thst all i want is to spend time with him. Rumors of him dating a mom on the team came up recently, i confronted him, he denies the rumors, so i put it in the back of my head. I trust him, but will admit that because of these rumors im wanting to be closer to him, so am i wrong with my argument? He constantly tells me how he needs to and will always accomodate his team first and i come second. So, i ask, am i asking to much?

He constantly tells me how he needs to and will always accomodate his team first and i come second. So, i ask, am i asking to much?

This is clearly the type of partner you're going to have to be OK having a lot of alone time to be happy being with. If you don't think you can, then it's time to find a man who's more available.

what age, league level does he coach?

These type of coaches don't really change or takes them a while. its become an obsession IMO or addiction.

He gets something out of it that he likes and it doesn't seem like its going to change.

he has already placed you second on his list. Its up to you to decide .

I know a lot of coaches and I am an assist coach myself.

This is not a coaching issue, this is a relationship issue. We have seen this with guys watching sports, guys on bowling leagues, guys playing basketball or even out drinking.

In all those cases it was about the man not making time for the relationship, taking the wife for granted and living their life with little to no regard to the person they say they love.

Is he going overboard with all this? Yes he is. He is way to involved for some reason. He is getting something out of this that makes it a very big part of his life and which places you second. You are now second to softball, read that again...SOFTBALL!!!

To show you how clueless he is he didn't even take the hint about Vegas and could have gotten some points with you by simply agreeing to go to a show or just walk around holding your hand at night checking out the sights and people.

Anytime something takes this much time away from a relationship it isn't healthy. The problem here is that he isn't going to change so you either accept this is the way your life is going to be forever or decide to end the relationship.

Rumors usually have some truth to them so don't completely close your eyes on that subject either.

Lost

Well...I am a female and I have been both competing and coaching since I was a kid, so I can speak from both sides.

Regarding the trip, please do not pick that argument. He is actually correct that there won't be personal time or rather it's very unlikely. Competition trips are all about getting up before crack of dawn, prep, competition, going out to dinner and other stuff after and YES coaches need to be present and actually are expected to be a part of all that and if we are talking kids or teens, then actually leading and organizing all that. Basically, you need to get used to the idea that you will be traveling as a herd - coaches, chaperones, parents, spouses, kids, etc. You do not sneak off from that. Sorry.

Best you can do is happily participate. Go to the dinners, go to the sight seeing and shopping and whatever other excursions after the competition and actually be fun because that's the only way you are going to bond with your husband at least a little bit. Be supportive of the whole shebang. Now if some down time actually comes up, you certainly can jump on that and use it, just understand that it will most likely be spur of the moment, IF it happens at all. You will need to roll with whatever comes up and if you go with that mindset, you'll probably have a better time with things than trying to anticipate and argue with him. The more you push, the more he is going to stick his toes in against you as "you just don't understand and don't support him". The truth is that you really kind of don't and trust me, I get what you are saying that surely there would be some down time for the two of you. There may or may not be, but again don't argue ahead of time, just grab it IF it comes up.

As for your daily life, probably time to sit down with him and have a serious talk with him about the fact that he is neglecting his marriage. Do not ask him to quit the coaching deal, but rather ask for a date night once a week, once every two weeks. See if you can work something out. If not, you can suggest marital counseling or divorce. Of course, don't talk divorce unless you actually mean to carry it out for real. Don't ever make empty threats.

I agree with this and 100% of this post. It's not about him thinking he's the next Bill Belichick, it's about him keeping you at arm's length and being a bit condescending about your relationship needs.

He sounds like he's somewhat of a self-important wannabe. There are tons of important, busy, famous, etc. men who comprehend how to make their partners feel special.

This is not a coaching issue, this is a relationship issue.

Another woman here...

My cousins are involved with tournaments out of town and it is correct - its not a family vacation unless there are people that went along and opt out of watching the games and used that time to sightsee. He will be 100% involved with games and the team and making sure he is off on time to make it in time to see a show with you is just a no. My cousins have done these tournaments with their kids and they barely got to see any sights. The only they saw was a stop on the way back since they drove.

I think he is very driven but I also think there could be some truth to dating the mom because he freaks out if you show up. If you showed up to games, and he was concerned because he didn't have time to entertain you because he was busy, that's one thing, but if you showed up and didn't expect to be entertained and he freaks out about it - that's over the line.

Do you ever do a date night on the nights he is not at the field?

Even so, after 10 years of this relationship, I'd call it quits. Unless you count 10 years together starting in 6th grade, this relationship has reached past its expiration date. Let the mom on the team have him. you deserve more than ten years with a guy who hasn't married you

I wouldn't settle for this kind of life.

You are second place to him.

You are sitting at home pining while he goes out & lives the life he wants.

This will never change, he is too invested.

I would leave & build the life you want.

He constantly tells me how he needs to and will always accomodate his team first and i come second. So, i ask, am i asking to much?

Yes. He's telling you exactly where you come in his life and it is not first. His team mean more to him than you ever will and he is not interested in changing that.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are right in the sense that either i live with it or move on.

Thsnk you for taking the time to read my post. You're right.

Thank you for all advice from everyone that took time to read my post. I had the nerve to share what i had written and the responses from all of you with him yesterday and as soon as he said, you see how you're wrong, people agree with me, and you need to let it go, i felt so frustrated, i told myself i need to do some reflecting and make a decision once and for all as to end this or"go with the flow"....still thinking

Thing is you're not "wrong" in the sense of wanting a partner who's more available to you. Countless men and women would want the same. The "wrong" is not accepting this guy who he is, which you don't have to do. But if you're not gonna, then you do both of yourselves a favor and find someone whom you can accept.

Don't rush to ending this relationship just yet. Talk to him, let him know that you are not willing to come in second to softball the rest of your life and you want to work on making your relationship closer and stronger. Don't threaten leave him, just make sure he understand how you feel.

Then if he blows you off or doesn't take you seriously it is time to end it.

Lost

Thank you for all advice from everyone that took time to read my post. I had the nerve to share what i had written and the responses from all of you with him yesterday and as soon as he said, you see how you're wrong, people agree with me, and you need to let it go, i felt so frustrated, i told myself i need to do some reflecting and make a decision once and for all as to end this or"go with the flow"....still thinking

So he only took away the parts about the trip and took that as justification for how he is being. Seems like he is in deep denial about the severity of situation....OR....he is just fixated on the current argument about the trip rather than facing that his whole marriage is in question.

My advice is that you need to shelve the arguments for now. Enjoy yourself during the trip and then address the really important, critical part - he is neglecting his marriage on a day to day basis because in truth, this is not and has never been about the trip. This is about your day to day neglect and it's been brewing for a long long time.

Pick up this battle when the timing is better because it doesn't seem like the status quo can really carry on.

It's not about coaching, it's about where he sees you in his life and that is second string. If his mission is to condescend to you then yes, you have some reflecting to do.

he said, you see how you're wrong, people agree with me, and you need to let it go, i felt so frustrated

Thank you for all advice from everyone that took time to read my post. I had the nerve to share what i had written and the responses from all of you with him yesterday and as soon as he said, you see how you're wrong, people agree with me, and you need to let it go, i felt so frustrated, i told myself i need to do some reflecting and make a decision once and for all as to end this or"go with the flow"....still thinking

I think you know the answer, but are afraid to rock the boat. You might feel that you "put in so much time with him." Trust me, after a relationship longer than yours ended, things were bleak initially, but life got better than ever. He really minimizes your feelings and really doesn't care about you at all, you know, or gets something out of blaming you.