How do I handle this situation?? Advice needed, Please.

My Ex Fiance left me in October of 2015, @ 7 weeks pregnant with a Child we Planned together. With a Marriage license, and Wedding dress in hand, and a Promise to return home after finishing an assigned Job, miles away. Long story short, two weeks after departing from me, I find out that he's in a new relationship in the new city he relocated to. After learning of his unfaithfulness, I suffered a Nervous break down and had to be hospitalized and eventually put on antidepressants for the Duration of my Pregnancy. I found out shortly after he left, that he had given me Chlamydia, and he told me it's "Curable". I also found out, that he told his new girlfriend he wanted to get her Pregnant as soon as possible(after just meeting her). I confronted him about it, and he told me "I meant what I said to her".

My Ex was very Blunt, and Callous when I confronted him, about leaving me for someone else. I was a high risk pregnancy, and had complications that he was fully aware of. He was hoping that I would miscarry or abort the child, when I suggested it. He entertained the idea. I begged him to come back to me, and make things right, and he refused. He told me he "Might" think about getting back together at a later time. He crushed me. He broke me down to the lowest I could possibly go. My father had to literally carry me cradle style in his arms, to each and every appointment. It was truly a horrible experience.

He reappared 2 months later, at my door step to tell me, that he still doesn't want me, but that he's also not signing a Birth Certificate or paying child support either. But (in his words) "If he the baby makes it, I want my rights". I collapsed on my door step, in complete horror at what he had told me. My sister over-heard the conversation, and saw me in distress. She physically attacked him, and told him not to show back up.

Fast forward, I gave Birth to a Beautiful Baby Girl in May of this Year. He was nowhere to be found. Come to find out, he relocated to Florida, 740 miles away, to avoid paying child support(he told his brother this). When my baby was 4 months, his mother & sister showed up at my house to see my baby. The never once reached out to me during my Pregnancy, although his sister lives right behind me. They came by to confirm on HIS Behalf, that the child looked like him, and they went about their way.

Now my daughter is coming up on 6 months, and I recieve a handwritten letter from him, stating that I need to grow up and act Mature. That he wanted his Daughter, and that I need to forget about what happen between us, and allow him and his fiance he left me for, co-parent along with me. In the letter, he told me to be a Role model for my Daughter, and let bygones be bygones. He wants me to contact him, so that he can arrange to bring my Daughter to Florida where he is. He never apologized, or admitted that he was wrong, but that "things happen".

I explained this to my Father, and he was enraged. His opinion, is that my Daughter would not benefit from having him in her life. He was not concerned for me or her, as she clung onto life in my Womb. He told me, "How can he possibly be a fraction of a Father to a Child, if he has yet to Achieve true Manhood". He also told me, all he will do is abandon her again, and it will be a life-long cat & mouse Game for him, and she will hurt tremendously from it.

I just need someone else's advice, on how to go about handling this situation? I am pent up with Anger toward him, in how he left me high & dry in my Pregnancy...Encouraged me to Abort, and now he wants to be apart of her life, but doesn't want to pay child support, so he's staying "Away" from Illinois. What would be the best way to handle this?

"now he wants to be apart of her life, but doesn't want to pay child support, so he's staying "Away" from Illinois. What would be the best way to handle this?"

he relocated to Florida, 740 miles away, to avoid paying child support(he told his brother this)."

You need to see a lawyer, WR. Soon.

You need to go to court to establish paternity and get child support and he needs to go to court after he proves paternity, to get visitation. Until he proves paternity (which will also obligate him to pay child support) he has zero visitation rights.

It's not up to your father or anyone else except the courts. He can't have it both ways, denying fatherhood and child support but expecting himself and his extended family to be involved.

This is a legal matter not a hand-written note, emotional or family matter. Basically no parental responsibility = no parental rights. Get a lawyer.

Now my daughter is coming up on 6 months, and I recieve a handwritten letter from him, stating that I need to grow up and act Mature. That he wanted his Daughter, and that I need to forget about what happen between us, and allow him and his fiance he left me for, co-parent along with me.

My Ex Fiance left me in October of 2015, @ 7 weeks pregnant with a Child we Planned together. With a Marriage license, and Wedding dress in hand, and a Promise to return home after finishing an assigned Job, miles away. Long story short, two weeks after departing from me, I find out that he's in a new relationship in the new city he relocated to. After learning of his unfaithfulness, I suffered a Nervous break down and had to be hospitalized and eventually put on antidepressants for the Duration of my Pregnancy. I found out shortly after he left, that he had given me Chlamydia, and he told me it's "Curable". I also found out, that he told his new girlfriend he wanted to get her Pregnant as soon as possible(after just meeting her). I confronted him about it, and he told me "I meant what I said to her".

 

My Ex was very Blunt, and Callous when I confronted him, about leaving me for someone else. I was a high risk pregnancy, and had complications that he was fully aware of. He was hoping that I would miscarry or abort the child, when I suggested it. He entertained the idea. I begged him to come back to me, and make things right, and he refused. He told me he "Might" think about getting back together at a later time. He crushed me. He broke me down to the lowest I could possibly go. My father had to literally carry me cradle style in his arms, to each and every appointment. It was truly a horrible experience.

 

 

He reappared 2 months later, at my door step to tell me, that he still doesn't want me, but that he's also not signing a Birth Certificate or paying child support either. But (in his words) "If he the baby makes it, I want my rights". I collapsed on my door step, in complete horror at what he had told me. My sister over-heard the conversation, and saw me in distress. She physically attacked him, and told him not to show back up.

 

Fast forward, I gave Birth to a Beautiful Baby Girl in May of this Year. He was nowhere to be found. Come to find out, he relocated to Florida, 740 miles away, to avoid paying child support(he told his brother this). When my baby was 4 months, his mother & sister showed up at my house to see my baby. The never once reached out to me during my Pregnancy, although his sister lives right behind me. They came by to confirm on HIS Behalf, that the child looked like him, and they went about their way.

 

Now my daughter is coming up on 6 months, and I recieve a handwritten letter from him, stating that I need to grow up and act Mature. That he wanted his Daughter, and that I need to forget about what happen between us, and allow him and his fiance he left me for, co-parent along with me. In the letter, he told me to be a Role model for my Daughter, and let bygones be bygones. He wants me to contact him, so that he can arrange to bring my Daughter to Florida where he is. He never apologized, or admitted that he was wrong, but that "things happen".

 

I explained this to my Father, and he was enraged. His opinion, is that my Daughter would not benefit from having him in her life. He was not concerned for me or her, as she clung onto life in my Womb. He told me, "How can he possibly be a fraction of a Father to a Child, if he has yet to Achieve true Manhood". He also told me, all he will do is abandon her again, and it will be a life-long cat & mouse Game for him, and she will hurt tremendously from it.

 

I just need someone else's advice, on how to go about handling this situation? I am pent up with Anger toward him, in how he left me high & dry in my Pregnancy...Encouraged me to Abort, and now he wants to be apart of her life, but doesn't want to pay child support, so he's staying "Away" from Illinois. What would be the best way to handle this?

I want to punch this guy in the face.

So did you two sign the marriage license or no? If you were unmarried when that child was born he has NO rights. YOU have all the rights to him if you were unmarried at the time of birth. He has to go to court and file to establish paternity which means they will also file child support on him.

Here's what you do - don't answer him. Ever. Don't talk to him. Don't acknowledge him. Don't talk to his family. Don't let them see your daughter. Until he legally establishes his rights in court he has NO leg to stand on. At all.

Are you serious that he said all that crap to you? That he is just going to abandon her and it will be a "cat and mouse game?" He needs some counseling if that's true.

Yes you can get rid of chlamydia. I hope you got that taken care of and that's what it was.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What a nightmare.

Hermes is right you need a lawyer. Is he on the birth certificate? Are you interested in pursuing child support?

You need to go to court to establish paternity and get child support and he needs to go to court after he proves paternity, to get visitation. Until he proves paternity (which will also obligate him to pay child support) he has zero visitation rights.

 

It's not up to your father or anyone else except the courts. He can't have it both ways, denying fatherhood and child support but expecting himself and his extended family to be involved.

 

This is a legal matter not a hand-written note, emotional or family matter. Basically no parental responsibility = no parental rights. Get a lawyer.

I think she should not do anything legally. Let him do it if he wants to have his "rights." Then he can have the "right" to pay child support as well. Until he goes to court, she needs to just ignore him and his family. They can't legally do anything until HE establishes his rights. If this was me - I'd crumple up that letter and toss it in the trash and never give him another thought until I get something from court.

Some months back you said:

"I should add also, that he quit his Job on purpose to keep from having support withheld. He's currently getting by, with Family members".

He probably has a criminal record. What a vile dreadful individual.

Yup. He's a Grade A ****face.

My biggest piece of advice: Stop assuming you know ****. I don't say that to be mean, but to get you to think about reaching out to those who do know ****. Child support became a federally enforceable issue over 30 years ago. You don't need his signature for him to be the father and he doesn't need to be in Illinois to be held accountable for child support. There are so many borderline, if not completely, free services available to women in your position to guide you in the direction of or even directly provide legal aid. You'll be educated on how to file a suit for paternity and what steps would then follow with the DA to enforce the child support. In most cases, the mother's involvement is actually surprisingly minimal. It's more likely than not that you won't even need a lawyer.

Contact any of the numerous women's support hotlines and get the information you need to actually get the ball rolling. Far too many women in your shoes have a false impression that everything needs to be orchestrated personally, with them physically present.

Have to agree with everyone else. You have got to stop reacting to this clown emotionally, and start acting rationally. First of all, he can't do squat. His letter and his demands to you are worth less than toilet paper. Seriously, he is only pulling that garbage on you because he knows he can push you emotionally and you don't seem to push back.

In your shoes, I would have told his parents and sister to take a hike before I call the cops on them for trespass and harassment. They have no rights and why you ever let them in the front door is beyond me. You have got to grow a spine.

Please go get legal help. There are free legal services. When it comes to child support, state agencies are fully equipped to help you. Go consult with some lawyers just to educate yourself. Consultations are often completely free. Please please get professionals involved who know how to handle this and stop making this a family/emotional affair. There are free legal clinics for people who can't afford to hire a lawyer. Big name lawyers actually volunteer their services there in addition to those who are employed there solely to provide legal services for people. Get educated on your rights, take care of yourself and your rights, nail the bastard and teach him that you are not some pushover he can mess with. As already pointed out, deadbeat fathers are a thing of the past. He can't hide for the rest of his life. If he is not working, his child support will go into arrears. He will be paying it off for the rest of his life. No matter where he lives or works, if he doesn't pay, his wages will be garnished, bank accounts levied and tax refunds seized (that means if his fiance/wife is working and they file jointly, she will lose her refund). He thinks he can play big shot with you? Time for you to give him a dose of legal reality.

Oh gosh, what a loser.

Illinois, you say? I got you.

Him being in FL doesn't mean a damn thing when it comes to child support. There is such a thing as UIFSA. It's for interstate support cases. Now I'll tell you, it takes longer to get an order, and there are some other things about it that are different, but it certainly can be done.

Are you low income? Where in IL do you live? If you are in the Chicago area I have some phone numbers here that I can tell you I personally used when I was and when I didn't know what the hell to do. I wish I still qualified for it, personally. It's great. They offer you a legal aid hotline where you can be advised and get some (limited) legal assistance. If you're outside of Chicago area, there's another legal aid service for low income individuals. My old attorney worked for them back when he was just getting up and running.

What do you want to do?

Yup. He's a Grade A ****face.

 

My biggest piece of advice: Stop assuming you know ****. I don't say that to be mean, but to get you to think about reaching out to those who do know ****. Child support became a federally enforceable issue over 30 years ago. You don't need his signature for him to be the father and he doesn't need to be in Illinois to be held accountable for child support. There are so many borderline, if not completely, free services available to women in your position to guide you in the direction of or even directly provide legal aid. You'll be educated on how to file a suit for paternity and what steps would then follow with the DA to enforce the child support. In most cases, the mother's involvement is actually surprisingly minimal.

 

Contact any of the numerous women's support hotlines and get the information you need to actually get the ball rolling. Far too many women in your shoes have a false impression that everything needs to be orchestrated personally, with them physically present.

This. Resources for IL can be located here:

Looks like HFS IV-D is what you would need. They will do the following:

◾Have a lawyer do the necessary paperwork to get child support started;

◾Search for the other parent;

◾Establish legal parentage (paternity);

◾Get a child support order, or enforce an existing order when the other parent is found;

◾Enforce the child support order by serving a Notice to Withhold Income for Support on the other parent's employer; and

◾Get medical insurance for the child

Full page here:

I recommend you save all corrospondence you have so that you can present it in court as needed. You can recieve assistance as mentioned above to locate him, force him to take a DNA test and begin child support enforcement. All of this can be done and he will still have no rights to the child. He will need to petition the court himself to request visitation, etc. Given him being out of state as well as his history which I am sure you can somewhat document via the letter, texts, witnesses, it is going to be difficult for him to convince a judge that it would be beneficial to the child to establish a log distance, interstate visitation plan. Even if that somehow happened, he would be responsible for half the costs of travel, etc.....which if he wont work so he doesnt have to pay support, its not likely that he would have money for that.

I hope this information helps.

I thought this was familiar. You were given so much sound and direct advice back in August. What have you done with it?

Your ex screwed your child out of having a father. Don't screw her out of the financial security a child should have. I hope you'll soon realize that being the biggest victim you possibly can be isn't worth forfeiting the opportunities for your child that her father could and should provide. Get in touch with social services.

I had just held out hope that Perhaps, he would have a change of Heart. This is the first time, I've heard from him in Months, he appeared out of nowhere. He deliberately moved away, changed his number, with no way of tracing him. I found out what little I do know about his whereabouts by going undercover on facebook. I'm afraid to really take any action, because I don't want my child taken away from me. But I don't want my Daughter to grow up hating me, because she didn't have a Dad in her life, that would tear me apart. I own up to it, I lucked up on a Loser, and now she has to pay for it. I work a minimum wage Job making 8.25 an hour, I can't afford a lawyer. Money talks, and in my case, I'm not really saying much.

How could this abusive criminal type ever have a change of heart WR. Listen to yourself.

Even if you have no money you have been given links and excellent suggestions by the other posters. get in touch with one of those hotlines and they will help you, free of charge.

Why would your child be taken away from you, I ask? And your daughter would surely hate you a lot if you had that particular sorry excuse for a "dad" in her life. Is that what you want as an example for your daughter. A mother who puts up with abuse from a criminal type?

I don't think so.

Get in touch with the helplines and social services.

So how many excuses do you wanna come up with?

For better (this case) or for worse (others where good fathers are screwed), the legal system is heavily slanted toward the woman in terms of both legal favor and cost when it comes to child custody. You most likely won't have to drop a single dime (beyond what you've paid in taxes already). "Money talks" doesn't necessarily apply here. Plenty of good fathers who don't have documented proof of them having fled the state to avoid parenthood have dumped money into attorneys only to come out with one Saturday a week.

You've been advised on the numerous resources and the venues. No one here can force you to take advantage of them. We're not saying the hand you were dealt is fair, but you do with it what you can. Take every measure necessary to provide your daughter a better living than a single mother's $8.25/hr. wage can offer. Or don't. She's not my kid.

You don't need to hire a lawyer. We told you this in your other thread, too.

If you don't want to take action, that's your decision. But please don't use the money thing as a reason because I managed to file for a support order when I was piss poor. I live in your state and I'm willing to give you any resources I've used. You know, you can talk to an attorney on these legal aid hotlines and tell them exactly what you're afraid of. They'll tell you every possibility under the sun that can happen and they'll tell you what you should be doing in terms of documentation, whether you opt to take some action or not.

Do you know the time and money that go into him petitioning for visitation 800 miles away? This schmoe is highly unlikely to do that once he realizes just how much of an 'investment' it is. And I am not even talking about the process but actually your daughter being shuffled about to and fro. No judge in their right mind is going to send your daughter off to a perfect stranger 800 miles away just like that. If, just say if because I like to explore every avenue, he actually goes through with petitioning for visitation after all the other legalities are dealt with(establishing paternity), it's going to be a very slow and graduated process. My attorney looked at me like I was a hydra when I asked him how it would work. He stared at me and said "Very, very slowly....But there's a better chance I'll implode as we speak."

You asked, OP

I just need someone else's advice, on how to go about handling this situation? I am pent up with Anger toward him, in how he left me high & dry in my Pregnancy...Encouraged me to Abort, and now he wants to be apart of her life, but doesn't want to pay child support, so he's staying "Away" from Illinois. What would be the best way to handle this?

We've all just told you, but now you think "he'll change".

I disagree with everyone saying you, OP, need to go to court first. Don't. Right now YOU hold all the cards. YOU have all the rights. He has ZERO rights to that child. None. He doesn't even legally exist right now.

So I strongly recommend that you don't even file a damn thing in court. Let HIM file for paternity. Let HIM file for visitation. Because then guess what he gets if he gets visitation or no visitation? Nice court order for child support. You said he has made it clear he doesn't want to pay child support. So okay then.

He is just f****** with you right now. Block him. Block his family. Block his friends. Don't do anything until he files in court. It would be different if you had been married and divorced. But you weren't. You are an unmarried mother. You have sole rights to that child until he establishes his paternity.

Honestly it's not worth it to try to get child support. He won't pay it. He'll duck it. He'll hide. Oh they say they'll take their driver's license or put them in jail. Not all the time. My ex owes thousands. He's not spent one day in jail for lack of child support payments. He already lost his license because of DUIs and gets it back when he is 42 (or can try to get it back). I wish I would have just waived child support in the divorce but I thought "well he has to pay it someday" but he'll likely die before I get it.

Just go on about your life and pretend like he doesn't exist. Tell your daughter you went to a sperm bank or something especially if he never files in court or shows up.

I had just held out hope that Perhaps, he would have a change of Heart. This is the first time, I've heard from him in Months, he appeared out of nowhere. He deliberately moved away, changed his number, with no way of tracing him. I found out what little I do know about his whereabouts by going undercover on facebook. I'm afraid to really take any action, because I don't want my child taken away from me. But I don't want my Daughter to grow up hating me, because she didn't have a Dad in her life, that would tear me apart. I own up to it, I lucked up on a Loser, and now she has to pay for it. I work a minimum wage Job making 8.25 an hour, I can't afford a lawyer. Money talks, and in my case, I'm not really saying much.

You cleary have not read anything that we have posted. You cant find him. A legal aid skip tracer will. You are worried about someone taking your child. Not sure why, cant even reconcile that one. You are afraid she will hate you because her dad isnt in her life. Then he should mave back to IL, get a job, pay support and petion the courts for visitation. You said you cant afford a lawyer. Please go to google and type these words into the search box 'define legal aid'.

Of course. But the OP doesn't wish to hear it, H.

"You clearly have not read anything that we have posted. You cant find him. A legal aid skip tracer will. You are worried about someone taking your child. Not sure why, cant even reconcile that one. You are afraid she will hate you because her dad isnt in her life. Then he should mave back to IL, get a job, pay support and petion the courts for visitation. You said you cant afford a lawyer. Please go to google and type these words into the search box 'define legal aid'.

"

I disagree with everyone saying you, OP, need to go to court first. Don't. Right now YOU hold all the cards. YOU have all the rights. He has ZERO rights to that child. None. He doesn't even legally exist right now.

 

So I strongly recommend that you don't even file a damn thing in court. Let HIM file for paternity. Let HIM file for visitation. Because then guess what he gets if he gets visitation or no visitation? Nice court order for child support. You said he has made it clear he doesn't want to pay child support. So okay then.

 

He is just f****** with you right now. Block him. Block his family. Block his friends. Don't do anything until he files in court. It would be different if you had been married and divorced. But you weren't. You are an unmarried mother. You have sole rights to that child until he establishes his paternity.

 

Honestly it's not worth it to try to get child support. He won't pay it. He'll duck it. He'll hide. Oh they say they'll take their driver's license or put them in jail. Not all the time. My ex owes thousands. He's not spent one day in jail for lack of child support payments. He already lost his license because of DUIs and gets it back when he is 42 (or can try to get it back). I wish I would have just waived child support in the divorce but I thought "well he has to pay it someday" but he'll likely die before I get it.

 

Just go on about your life and pretend like he doesn't exist. Tell your daughter you went to a sperm bank or something especially if he never files in court or shows up.

She makes 8.25/hr. When she applies for any assistance (food stamps, cash assistance, rental assistance, utility assistance, medicaid, they will make her go through the steps mentioned above. And as I detailed in my note, none of those steps gives him visitation rights. That is a completely seperate petition that he has to initiate.

I understand your point, but her lack of income will likely force her down this path anyway, may as well take control of it.

I had just held out hope that Perhaps, he would have a change of Heart. This is the first time, I've heard from him in Months, he appeared out of nowhere. He deliberately moved away, changed his number, with no way of tracing him. I found out what little I do know about his whereabouts by going undercover on facebook. I'm afraid to really take any action, because I don't want my child taken away from me. But I don't want my Daughter to grow up hating me, because she didn't have a Dad in her life, that would tear me apart. I own up to it, I lucked up on a Loser, and now she has to pay for it. I work a minimum wage Job making 8.25 an hour, I can't afford a lawyer. Money talks, and in my case, I'm not really saying much.

See my comment below. Don't file anything. YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS!! You guys weren't married when she was born. He's bluffing you. Play his bluff. Crumple up that letter. Block him and his family and his friends. You said he doesn't want any responsibility or to pay support. So if you just sit back it's up to HIM to file to establish his paternity first. He may have to pay for a DNA test. Doubt he will do that. Then IF he gets visitation, IF, he will have an order for child support. You said he doesn't want to do that. So you won't get it even if he does have an order.

Just ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist and let HIM go to court. Your daughter won't hate you because you didn't do anything. My mom was absent in my life and my dad was basically a single parent even though they were still married. She was running around on him. My youngest brother is my technically half brother because of her running around. She ended up marrying the guy. I have had issues with her and I hate her husband. But I wish my parents had divorced when we were little. I wish my mom would have just left then and stayed away.

I didn't have a mom in my life and it was HER fault. So her not having a dad will be HIS fault because HE won't fight for her. Do you really want this guy in her life? I wouldn't.

You can do what you want. He will not change. Ever. Cut your losses. She won't pay for anything unless you take it to court first.

She makes 8.25/hr. When she applies for any assistance (food stamps, cash assistance, rental assistance, utility assistance, medicaid, they will make her go through the steps mentioned above. And as I detailed in my note, none of those steps gives him visitation rights. That is a completely seperate petition that he has to initiate.

 

I understand your point, but her lack of income will likely force her down this path anyway, may as well take control of it.

Is he on the birth certificate? If not, then she just has to say she doesn't know who the father is. If she doesn't know what can they do?

Is he on the birth certificate? If not, then she just has to say she doesn't know who the father is. If she doesn't know what can they do?

It's rare that a father with a SSN gets off Scott-free when the proper channels are utilized. It does happen and I'm sorry if it happened to you, but given the relatively little time investment and the virtually no financial investment in exchange for her daughter's financial security for the next 18 years, it's borderline abhorrent for her not to make a sincere effort.

ETA: I do want to emphasize that it sounds like you were hit hard by a deadbeat ***hole, and I don't want to take that away. I'd simply like the OP to, at the very least, call a hotline who can get her pointed in the right direction before she throws her hands in the air and subjects her and her daughter to a life dependent on the 1st of the month.

I couldn't agree with this more. It's about standing for your child and the financial support she is entitled to for the next 18 yrs. You must go to court and file.

Do not get in some power struggle with him about who files first etc.. All the info and links you've gotten on this thread is excellent.

Child support is not optional. They will hunt him down, revoke his license, garnish his wages, whatever it takes for the next 18 yrs in order for you daughter to receive what she is legally entitled to. This is not about you.

Don't screw her out of the financial security a child should have