Dating a new guy but i'm confused

Hi everyone,

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago, I was pretty sad about it but I went NC and have picked myself up again. I decided to go online, and I met this amazing man. We have been dating for about five weeks now and see each other a few times a week. He always takes me to the nicest restaurants and last weekend I made him dinner and the next day he took me to a wine vineyard. It's all been going really well. He is divorced and has two children. At first I was a bit concerned about dating a man with children, but he's too amazing to give up for that reason.

We have not had sex yet, and I even spent the night at his place last weekend and we just cuddled. I told him I wanted to take it slow in the physical area. We do kiss quite a bit, and the kisses are simply amazing. He has really helped me move on and see that my previous relationship was just plain wrong.

So my issue is, last Friday when he was at my house, he asked me if I thought things were moving a bit fast, I said no I don't think so. But in my head, I believe he brought it up because he may think they are moving fast. Since our weekend together, he seems a bit distant. He still texts, but things definitely seem like they are slowing down on his part. I know his job is demanding, he's a Surgeon and has two children. I am also scared of being hurt again, He got divorced about a year ago and separated from his ex 3 years ago.

The other issue I'm having is that I'm 40 years old and do eventually want to have children of my own, he said he would not mind having more children but it would have to be with the right person. I feel the same way also. However, I guess my issue is why is he trying to slow things down now? When I'm with him, he's the one kissing me like crazy. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. Help!

It sounds like he means slowing down in terms of emotionally, commitment and kid talk etc. and too much time spent together, not stalling on sex.

5 weeks is just dating and getting to know each other and things can settle down after the initial hot pursuit.

Do you think sexless sleep overs are frustrating him?

We have been dating for about five weeks now and see each other a few times a week. We have not had sex yet, and I even spent the night at his place last weekend and we just cuddled. I told him I wanted to take it slow in the physical area. he asked me if I thought things were moving a bit fast.He still texts, but things definitely seem like they are slowing down on his part.

Just a month in and seeing each other so often.....I wouldn't call it taking things slow....more like hot and heavy. Despite that, the sexual intimacy is not there, so makes sense that he wants to dial it back. In his shoes, I'd be wondering if you are even attracted to him or just having fun at his expense. I think that he is very much confused by your behavior as well.

I am very very very attracted to him, and really want to have sex with him as well. That was extremely apparent Saturday night, but I don't want to just jump into a sexual relationship either. I want to make sure he is into me like I am into him. I want him to really get to know me before we go down that path. The other thing is, I tend to get very attached after having sex and just wanted to take it slow in that area. But yeah I do think it may be time soon to go down that road. I think I'm ready. The thing I did not want to slow down was the emotions, commitment etc. So should I not be worried? Does it sound like he's still interested in me, despite him saying he wants to take it slow. I had a few glasses of wine last Tuesday when we went out, and at the end of the night I texted and said I would have liked to cuddle with him, he said he would love that but he wants to have crazy wild sex with me and he knows I want to take that slow so he doesn't want to complicate what could be a long term relationship. I thought that was very sweet, I did end up staying over that Saturday but I'm just not sure. I'm confused at the wanting to take it slow, so now I feel maybe this isn't the time to have sex, simply because he said he wants to take things slow

You've created a catch-22 situation. Stop the sexless sleepovers. He's a 40 something divorced surgeon with kids not a teddy bear.

I don't want to just jump into a sexual relationship either. I want to make sure he is into me like I am into him. The thing I did not want to slow down was the emotions, commitment etc. he said he would love that but he wants to have crazy wild sex with me and he knows I want to take that slow

...well....you sound extremely confused and like your past baggage might be getting in the way of natural flow and progression in this relationship. Don't know what to tell you other than you need to sort yourself out and work out what you are and aren't comfortable with and then communicate that to him. Ultimately, there are never any guarantees that something will work or be for keeps.

I mean what you said above is basically, "I don't want to risk getting invested and attached, but I want you to keep on investing and jumping through hoops to prove to me that you are committed to me." How is that supposed to work? Investment is a mutual deal, not a prove yourself to me while I hold back deal.

Wiseman and DancingFool I do agree with both of you. I guess I do need to be a bit more free and if it happens then it happens. I do feel bad for the guy, he was definitely "ready". I guess the other concerning thing is the children, he told me initially that he does want to find a partner again, but he already has kids and the pressure is off of him. But if his partner wanted more then he would do it. I guess for me, the pressure is on, so maybe we are on different pages. I guess that is why I am hesitating to get invested and attached..

Well I think what you did is right. I believe a strong foundation of relationship is knowing each stage, dont involve any sexual intimacy in just few weeks. You'll know how sincere that person by doing such moves. I wish you luck!

Wiseman and DancingFool I do agree with both of you. I guess I do need to be a bit more free and if it happens then it happens. I do feel bad for the guy, he was definitely "ready". I guess the other concerning thing is the children, he told me initially that he does want to find a partner again, but he already has kids and the pressure is off of him. But if his partner wanted more then he would do it. I guess for me, the pressure is on, so maybe we are on different pages. I guess that is why I am hesitating to get invested and attached..

Cart ten miles before horse..... You don't know each other well enough to be contemplating marriage and children in any serious manner. So he gave you the only answer he can give. If he meets the right woman and she wants kids, he is fine with that but he is not looking to get married specifically to have a family as he already has one. You haven't been together long enough to know whether you are the right woman or not and so if he told you right now that sure, he'll have children with you, THAT would be a giant red flag and I would be on here jumping up and down telling you to run for the hills. At the same time you don't really know he is all that either. You haven't been together long enough and are only dealing in possibilities and potential here.

That makes sense, he did say I was potentially a good fit for him. I guess I just need to go with the flow and see what happens and just get to know him. I think the sex thing is actually going to happen very soon. He has actually been nothing but respectful to me, and never pushed me to have sex with him. He just seems a bit distant now, and I was getting worried that he was no longer interested

That makes sense, he did say I was potentially a good fit for him. I guess I just need to go with the flow and see what happens and just get to know him. I think the sex thing is actually going to happen very soon. He has actually been nothing but respectful to me, and never pushed me to have sex with him. He just seems a bit distant now, and I was getting worried that he was no longer interested

He very well may be losing interest.

When there is no physically intimacy happening, for men, that can and does happen sometimes.

I used to post on another forum and many men attested to this. So have my brothers.

And lest you think all they wanted was just sex, that wasn't the case at all. They wanted a relationship.

Often times when women insist on waiting, the guys felt they were being *tested* and that turned them off.

Or they felt the woman was not all that attracted to them, and as such, they (the guys) lost their interest and attraction.

I can understand your wanting to wait too (I wouldn't and never have), but after awhile, it just gets old for men.

You're either into them or not.

And just to know, if all a man wants is sex, he will bolt afterwards whether you have sex on date one or date 20.

There are never ever any guarantees with sex and dating. It's ALL a risk and one well worth it when you meet the right guy.

If you are not willing to take a risk, you have no business even dating IMHO!

Aww I don't want him to think I'm not interested, I'm extremely interested. I would think he would know that with the way we kiss and the chemistry we have when we do kiss. I do agree with you, a guy can just as well leave after date 20. I am thinking this intimacy is going to have to be established soon. I have just been so hurt in the past, that I was trying to make sure it did not happen again, but in doing that I may be driving him away. He has not asked me out this week, so he may very well already be gone. He does still text me, but not as much as before and definitely not flirting on text the way he was before. Not sure what I can do at this point..

Aww I don't want him to think I'm not interested, I'm extremely interested. I would think he would know that with the way we kiss and the chemistry we have when we do kiss. I do agree with you, a guy can just as well leave after date 20. I am thinking this intimacy is going to have to be established soon. I have just been so hurt in the past, that I was trying to make sure it did not happen again, but in doing that I may be driving him away. He has not asked me out this week, so he may very well already be gone. He does still text me, but not as much as before and definitely not flirting on text the way he was before. Not sure what I can do at this point..

Did you meet on line?

If so, he may have met someone else.

You know, I am sure men on this forum will disagree with this, but on the other forum, there were men who said they won't even consider a relationship with a woman *until* sex happens.

Men view sex and relationships different from the way we do.

For many men (not all) it's sex first, relationship second.

For women it's relationship first, sex second.

Many women will scream that's BS. But what are they gonna do?

Grind in their heels OR try to understand men better and attempt to see things from their perspective.

With your guy, he waited. He understood your hesitancy and did not pressure.

But like I said, if it goes on too long, it just gets old... and he will start to lose interest.

Just the way it is for some men (again not all).

If I were you, I would invite him for dinner tonight and have hot sex!

It's time.

Haha Katrina, you're hilarious. Yes, I did meet him online, but just spent pretty much the whole weekend together and he was so into it. It's literally been 2 days....could he already have replaced me? I also asked him if he was dating any other girls a week and half ago and he said no that he was focusing on me. But I guess that is a possibility. If that's the case then we just weren't meant to be. I did tell him when I left sunday that I definitiely want to have sex soon. But if I was that easily replaceable then maybe I am just better off getting the distant treatment...

Haha Katrina, you're hilarious. Yes, I did meet him online, but just spent pretty much the whole weekend together and he was so into it. It's literally been 2 days....could he already have replaced me? I also asked him if he was dating any other girls a week and half ago and he said no that he was focusing on me. But I guess that is a possibility. If that's the case then we just weren't meant to be. I did tell him when I left sunday that I definitiely want to have sex soon.

 

But if I was that easily replaceable then maybe I am just better off getting the distant treatment...

You know what? While I was walking to work I thought about it more and you're right!

You have given him all the signals that you're into him, and that you want to have sex with him, so if he's found someone else, then so be it.

You don't need to be hanging around, competing with other women for his attention and affection. I sure wouldn't.... it would turn me off to have to do that anyway.

Hopefully he will contact you soon! Let us know!

First of all, I wouldn't sleep with him at this point...not when he's obviously trying to slow things down. I would follow his lead to see what he's getting at...and no more sleepovers until you decide you're ready to sleep with him.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are both stringing each other along. He's saying despite having 3 kids and "being done with having a family" that he "may consider it again maybe". And you tell him this after a sexless sleepover.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if you sleep with him or not. Either the relationship is viable on other merit or it's not.

I did tell him when I left sunday that I definitiely want to have sex soon.

He texted me just now, he said he was sore from the gym and may need to get a massage. So I just flirted back and said I give good massages. He said I'm sure you do and I'd rather get one from you. He said or we can give each other massages. Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night or Thursday night? Why is he acting interested after I offered a massage?

"Why is he acting interested after I offered a massage?"

Gosh, I wonder why!!

WHY do you think, Jackie. come on!

He texted and acted interested before you suggested that. It sounds like you are on the defensive about his motives.

He said or we can give each other massages. Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night or Thursday night?

What do you mean you are scared of being hurt again? Any relationship comes with a risk. And MOST relationships don't last forever. So, you really need to think about if you were really ready to date knowing that this thing probably isn't going to last forever.

Also, I agree he's probably feeling like things are going too fast. They are. And he's putting on the brakes because he might be feeling buyer's remorse.

He does text me good morning every morning, he also does take me out all the time. It doesn't feel like he is just interested in sex. He also asks me how my day is going everyday. I would hope it wasn't only because I said I give good massages....omg did I egg this on?

Did you meet on line?

 

If so, he may have met someone else.

If he's a decent looking surgeon who's been married (thus presumably knows how to talk to women), he doesn't need an online dating site to get dates.

Women, don't assume he's NOT multidating just because he's not online.

First of all, I wouldn't sleep with him at this point...not when he's obviously trying to slow things down. I would follow his lead to see what he's getting at...and no more sleepovers until you decide you're ready to sleep with him.

I agree. No more sleepovers for now.

And PLEASE don't sleep with him thinking that he's losing interest. That would be the worst thing you could do to yourself. The sleepover thing is just unwise because it seems like a mixed message.

I asked him if he was dating other women like a week and a half ago, he said no, he was focusing on me. And I don't even know when he would have time for another woman. He's either with me, his kids or in surgery. The days he doesn't have his kids, he and I are always together. And the days he has his kids, he's with them and being a surgeon during the day. But I do agree, this man probably has no issues finding women. People probably drop their panties to him in an instant.