Met my ex 1.5 years after BU at a wedding - it went so well...and so bad

Hi all,

This might be a long post to put things into perspective, so thanks for reading!

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me for the second time 1.5 years ago. We were in an on and off lesbian relationship for about a year, and met through a mutual friend. The relationship always was complicated, as I was her first girlfriend and at the time she had not come out of the closet. In fact, she only told her parents about her sexual orientation a few days before our second and final break-up. I very quickly developed very strong feelings for her. I knew it would not be an easy ride because of her circumstances, but I was willing to be in the driving seat to make things work. Things slightly better over time, however I felt that we were stuck in first or second gear, and that my copilot was not really bothered reading the map. And so, I became more and more frustrated and tired of being so patient and making so many efforts, to barely get anything in return other than mixed signals. To the point I had to empty my bag and tell her enough was enough, and that she needed to start putting efforts in as well. Her response was to break up. In hindsight, that was the right thing to do if she was not ready, otherwise it would have made things worse in the long term.

I felt so angry and so hurt during and after the break-up; I had invested so much of myself in that relationship, even though I knew from the start that was a big gamble. I sent her an emotionally-charged but respectful email a few days after the event, to which she never replied. I told her she didn't have to, but to be honest in that situation you are only fooling yourself and still expect your ex to respond, and I did for a few weeks. It turns out that she never received that email, and I have no reason to believe she lied to me. Shortly after the BU I also met with our mutual friend and told her I didn't want to hear from her or see her. My friend was very understanding: in 1.5 years she never told me anything about my ex and I never bumped into her everytime I went to my friend's place.

Fast forward to 6 months after the BU, I felt (much) better even though I was still having ups and downs. I went back onto the dating scene and met a nice girl, we have been dating each other since. In many ways, she is the complete opposite of my ex: mature, seems to know what she wants from life, and above all is pro-active. She ticks so many boxes that my ex didn't, so I thought it was worth trying and build something with her to move forward and get over my ex for good. Yet, I still had nostalgic thoughts about her. Ten months ago, our friend asked me if it would be ok to invite my ex to her wedding. I posted about that, I was very torn because I was still frankly terrified to see her, and that in itself should have been a warning sign as to how I was still feeling about her. I wanted to say no to my friend but I said "yes, do invite her because she is your friend as much as I am yours".

A week ago, my ex texted finally texted me out of the blue after 18 months of radio silence. She said she just wanted to get in touch in anticipation of the wedding. I didn't expect that but thought it was a quite nice gesture from her. Then, I was left wondering whether there was another motive behind that message, my mind started racing all over again. All week I was very anxious at the idea of seeing her.

And then came the wedding day...the whole point of this post

I bumped into her on my way to the synagogue. At that point, the anxiety went away, as if some kind of stress mechanism had automatically kicked-in to deal with the situation. We greeted each other with big smiles on our faces. Once at the synagogue, I went down the alley to find a seat and she asked if she could sit next to me. I said yes, I didn't know what else to say and didn't want to be rude. But I had not planned that at all. I just assumed that we would exchange polite platitudes and then go our separate ways until the end of the day. Well, in fact, we spent almost an hour chatting and laughing before and during the ceremony (we both arrived quite early). It was like the 18 months we spent apart had gone: the banter, the bond, the connection were still there. It felt like we could not help teasing each other and making silly jokes, like in the good old days.

After the ceremony I decided to go and talk to other people, as I didn't want to look like I was following her around like a puppy. Once at the venue, I did the same. Dinner started, we were obviously not sat down at the same table. At some point, I saw she was on her own at her table, and I couldn't resist the temptation of keeping her company for a little while. Again, we had a nice and pleasant chat. I then left, again not to give the impression I was stalking her. Dinner went on, we got off to dance. I got a bit bored after a few songs and decided to take a rest at my table. Ten minutes later, she came over and sat down next to me. Another bunch of good laughs. She invited me to follow her to the bar to get a drink, which I did. It felt like, after such a long time apart, we were craving each other's company.

And then, a joke led to another one which ultimately led to a more serious and open-hearted conversation. Which is exactly what my friends had initially advised me against That was a long and emotional conversation, and yet there were only smiles on our faces, no tears, no begging. I will try and summarize it:

1. She wholeheartedly apologized for hurting my feelings so bad, and admitted that the blame I laid on her when we broke up was justified. She felt guilty for a long time, and was relieved to receive a reply to her text and see I was not planning to ignore her. In fact, it turned out we were both hurting a lot, for different reasons, each in our corner. She never reached out to me, for fear of stirring the wound and coming across as disrespectful. That's why she never wished me a happy 30th birthday, although she hesitated and cried over it all day. There were many instances where she wanted to text me to share a tip, good news, or simply a joke.. But she knew she couldn't.

2. She learnt from our failed relationship, grew up and is now ready for a relationship. In fact, she has been dating someone for 6 months.

3. Then came my turn. First and foremost, I said I forgave her a long time ago and never hated her. I just felt terribly angry, then terribly sad, and then nostalgic. After that, I said stuff I was probably not supposed to say, but I thought: "screw that, I need to get those things off my chest". Told her that: first, in many ways, a part of me still felt like I had met the right person at the wrong time; second that despite the nice chat we had all day, I don't want to be friends and can't be friends with her; third that I will not contact her; and that consequently if one day she feels that she wants friendship or something else from me, she can't expect me to read her mind and make the first move, the onus will be on her to contact me, because I had made too many efforts in the past to fall into the trap of making another one.

Not sure how she felt about that, it probably made her feel uncomfortable but we had both opened a can of worms. We went back to the dance floor, but I decided to leave 10 minutes later, the whole thing had probably become awkward. I said goodbye to everyone including my ex, things were fine.

The next day (yesterday), I woke up with a terrible hangover from a bit too much bad wine and went into panic mode over what had happened and my girlfriend.

Here is my take on what happened:

1. I feel lost and confused over my current relationship, even though things are going well I don't feel as strongly about my girlfriend as I felt about my ex.

2. I have to admit that I have lingering feelings for my ex, but I swear I was not planning to tell her everything I said.

3. I am glad she came to the wedding (she hesitated to come not to make me feel uncomfortable), otherwise no doubt I would have spent the next 3 months speculating over why

4. It feels that the chat we had was some kind of closure conversation, that perhaps we should have had months ago. I knew I had made a lot of efforts to make our relationship work, but when you are the dumpee you always reach a point where you doubt yourself and wonder whether there is anything you could have done better (the infamous bargaining stage). Her sincere apology was a confirmation that although I was obviously not perfect and made a few mistakes, I did the very best I could and should have no regrets. And that is relieving.

5. I am glad to see she was able to "grow up" - frankly, I think a part of it was down to me, even if that sounds arrogant. Now, do I feel bitter and sad over the fact she is now growing in a relationship without me? Well, yes. Life can be such a b****, but such is life. Overall, I am happy for her.

6. I don't care if somehow I made a fool of myself, because I am actually glad to have given her the possibility to reach out to me, because I know she will make a good use of it if she chooses to act on it.

7. All along, I had kept her phone number on a little piece of paper at the bottom of a little box. Something to reassure myself I guess. I burnt it yesterday, which means I now have no way to contact her other than going through our mutual friends. I think this is a sign I am hopefully and at last ready to kiss the hope goodbye - I thought I had turned the page, whilst in fact I was going back and forth.

Thanks for reading this rather long and exhausting post. It needed to come out, as I initially said to put things into perspective and reflect on them. Would appreciate reading your thoughts.

My first reaction is that you didn't leave enough time post-break up to fully get over your ex, and those feelings that you didn't fully deal with then, are coming back to haunt you now (at the expense of your new girlfriend).

However, I don't know how things have been going with this new girl during the last 12 months. Maybe your ex coming back into the fold at the wedding, plus the emotional chat, has simply stirred old feelings and emotions, and in a few weeks you will be ok again.

It seems like you both dealt with the wedding situation maturely, and I think in time, you will be glad that it happened for the closure aspect. Not many people get the chance to do that, and it was interesting to read about how she felt during the long period of no contact. Just goes to show, the dumper can suffer as well post-break up, albeit with different feelings (guilt being a common one).

It sounds like this was the result of the conversation.

It feels that the chat we had was some kind of closure conversation, that perhaps we should have had months ago.

My first reaction is that you didn't leave enough time post-break up to fully get over your ex, and those feelings that you didn't fully deal with then, are coming back to haunt you now (at the expense of your new girlfriend).

I think you are right on that one. I like reading your posts, as I find them quite thoughtful. I have noticed that you explain from time to time that you tend to hold off for a solid period of 12-18 months before going back onto the dating scene. Now, I feel that my recovery cycle is roughly the same as yours and that I should have waited longer, as my ex did..

However, I don't know how things have been going with this new girl during the last 12 months. Maybe your ex coming back into the fold at the wedding, plus the emotional chat, has simply stirred old feelings and emotions, and in a few weeks you will be ok again.

Things have been going well with my girlfriend but very strangely, we have not talked about our feelings to each other. I do have feelings for her, but even though we make plans, we don't speak about the future and if you ask me if I can project myself into 2 or 5 years from now with her, I think the answer is no. It seems that none of us is willing to start that conversation.

It seems like you both dealt with the wedding situation maturely, and I think in time, you will be glad that it happened for the closure aspect. Not many people get the chance to do that, and it was interesting to read about how she felt during the long period of no contact. Just goes to show, the dumper can suffer as well post-break up, albeit with different feelings (guilt being a common one).

I know that in a way, I am lucky to have had that conversation. Deep down, I knew it would not be easy for her, all the more as she was going through her first major break up. It was not easy for me because I loved her so much, but at least I had already experienced heartbreak and knew I would feel like dying I think it also transpired that we are both sad not to be able to be part of each other's life. There are people in your life, either friends, relatives or ex-lovers, who you don't see for ages but when you finally get to see them again, it's like yesterday was the last day you talked to them, as if nothing had changed, and yet a lot obviously has. My ex is one of those.

As far as maturity is concerned, I am not sure whether I was mature all the way through. What I forgot to mention in the initial post is that at the end of emotional conversation I was tempted to kiss her. She said that was not alright, and I said "yes, you are right, sorry about that". It's at that point we went back to the dance floor. But when I said goodbye to her, again she kinda hugged me and had a big smile on her face, so I hope she does not resent me for that rather foolish move. Once back home, I also sent a (half-drunk) text message that was kind of a mix of the good things I think about her, what we discussed and a few silly jokes. Frankly, I don't regret that message and what is done is done. I think I have been overall quite mature, but also believe I should have handled things a better way. Oh well...

It sounds like this was the result of the conversation.

There were a lot of things going on, but yes in hindsight that's a very good summary of an 8 hours on and off chat.