What to do now..

Hello, new here. I have been searching for support and seems I found the right place.

I was in a horrible physically abusive relationship in 2009-2012. I went through victim services and he was put on trial with restraining orders and I felt amazing to be out after a few near death experiences.

In 2013 I met a man who seemed like a dream compared to my past. We moved in together quickly, he proposed and within the year was having our first child together. I am very much in love with him, I noticed red flags early on in the relationship but told myself nobody is perfect. It started with lying to me and leaving to go out and not coming home during my pregnancy.

Last year our relationship started to spiral, his impulsive spending and him not being able to hold down a job caused us to suffer financially.

I fell pregnant again and was unable to return to work after my maternity leave so have been staying home.

He blames me for not being able to work, but refuses to put the children in daycare.

He calls me horrible names if I dress nicely or talk about wanting to go to work or school, he tells me to shut up when speaking or belittles me in front of people.

Yet sometimes he's an amazing father, he is loving, protective and shows me appreciation.

I'v come to the sad realization I may be in yet another abusive relationship. I am shameful, feeling guilty for my children and don't want to leave as deep down I feel he has anger problems and that he is good deep down and needs help.

How do I start on trying to fix this? My family think he's great, my friends think he is great .. I'm completely embarrassed about admitting that I'm in another wrong relationship. I was accused by my ex and his long list of followers that I was a liar and crazy.. I don't feel I can go through any of that again.

"He calls me horrible names if I dress nicely or talk about wanting to go to work or school, he tells me to shut up when speaking or belittles me in front of people.

"

He is not amazing in any sense of that word.

We moved in together quickly, he proposed and within the year was having our first child together"

This is a frying pan and fire situation OP.

He is NOT good deep down. And no abuser will go for help.

You need to help yourself and extricate yourself from this nightmare.

Get as much help and support as you can, professional help.

Silence is the tool of an abuser so speak up to your family and be frank. Also to friends. If you want more anonymous support contact victims services again ans discuss your concerns with a counselor. Can you fix this? It's unclear but you seem determined to stay.

Do not keep up a front for anyone, mostly yourself. It's hard to tell if your prior experience gives you heightened awareness or a blind spot, so do go speak to someone.

I'v come to the sad realization I may be in yet another abusive relationship. I am shameful, feeling guilty for my children and don't want to leave as deep down I feel he has anger problems and that he is good deep down and needs help. I'm completely embarrassed about admitting that I'm in another wrong relationship.

Thank you for the replies. I'm so so very confused. I do believe he is good deep down.. He has slip ups with his anger and jealousy.. He can get pretty nasty at these times but I feel he is nothing like my ex. My ex was cold, enjoyed hurting me and seeing me upset. With my husband it's different. It's like he feels so deeply that he can't handle the hurt.. Like he needs professional help himself.. And although he is acting abusive, it's like that's not how he wants to be. When times are tough between us, he says he knows he needs to get help, but when times are better and I bring it up, he tells me not to ruin it.

I guess I'm confused and lost.. And wondering if this is the exact same situation as my last partner. Blinded by him and making excuses.. I just don't know.

I have a doctors appt booked for tomorrow and going to request to see a professional and go from there..

Our children love him and he adores them.. It would break them if I left.. I'm not determined to stay, but I'm determined to TRY to fix this so I never have any regrets if I do leave

He has slip ups with his anger and jealousy.. He can get pretty nasty at these times but I feel he is nothing like my ex. My ex was cold, enjoyed hurting me and seeing me upset. With my husband it's different. It's like he feels so deeply that he can't handle the hurt.. Like he needs professional help himself.. And although he is acting abusive, it's like that's not how he wants to be. When times are tough between us, he says he knows he needs to get help, but when times are better and I bring it up, he tells me not to ruin it.

 

he sounds insecure and is taking it out on you, it wont stop because there will always be a bad day where he needs to belittle you to make himself feel better. it may transfer to your kids, kids grow up and start to talk back and act out, right now they may be young enough to be daddy's little boy/girl he can win over with play and treats. when they want to hang out with friends more or play games instead of adoring him they may well become a target.

Thank you for the reply. He definitely has low self esteem .. Probably at his lowest at the minute given our situation after losing our house and him quitting his job once again..

I just don't know what steps to take now to make sure me and my kids will be okay

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon for my anxiety and to talk about my medication. Hoping they will refer me to a therapist where I can speak about some of this.

Basically we had to move out of our old house about a month and a half ago, he has been living elsewhere while working.. And I'm staying at my parents acreage. I'm wondering if I should start to claim single and get a separate bank account to try get ahead and gain some security since all of our money received right now goes towards him and his debt.. At least until we either fix our relationship or go separate ways.

I'm just not sure. I'v been so accustomed to helping and supporting him that I'v found myself with nothing.

Why Mimi, would you want to be in the role of fixer, enabler, bank, housemaid anyhow!

I'v been so accustomed to helping and supporting him that I'v found myself with nothing.

Sure, he cleaned you out.

You need to extricate yourself, and soon, for this toxic situation. Life is short and it goes by very quickly.

Absolutely get your own bank account for you and your children. Stay with your parents and while there do the things you need to to sort this out. Financial abuse is also a form of abuse.

I'm staying at my parents acreage. I'm wondering if I should start to claim single and get a separate bank account to try get ahead and gain some security since all of our money received right now goes towards him and his debt.

I'm very nervous that I'm overreacting and that I should be supportive of my husband though.. I feel like I'm lost at the minute..

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Every time things are bad I feel a terrifying urge to GET OUT. But when things are okay, I feel like I overreacted. I'm not sure it's all very confusing

Hello, new here. I have been searching for support and seems I found the right place.

I was in a horrible physically abusive relationship in 2009-2012. I went through victim services and he was put on trial with restraining orders and I felt amazing to be out after a few near death experiences.

 

In 2013 I met a man who seemed like a dream compared to my past. We moved in together quickly, he proposed and within the year was having our first child together. I am very much in love with him, I noticed red flags early on in the relationship but told myself nobody is perfect. It started with lying to me and leaving to go out and not coming home during my pregnancy.

Last year our relationship started to spiral, his impulsive spending and him not being able to hold down a job caused us to suffer financially.

I fell pregnant again and was unable to return to work after my maternity leave so have been staying home.

He blames me for not being able to work, but refuses to put the children in daycare.

He calls me horrible names if I dress nicely or talk about wanting to go to work or school, he tells me to shut up when speaking or belittles me in front of people.

 

Yet sometimes he's an amazing father, he is loving, protective and shows me appreciation.

 

I'v come to the sad realization I may be in yet another abusive relationship. I am shameful, feeling guilty for my children and don't want to leave as deep down I feel he has anger problems and that he is good deep down and needs help.

 

How do I start on trying to fix this? My family think he's great, my friends think he is great .. I'm completely embarrassed about admitting that I'm in another wrong relationship. I was accused by my ex and his long list of followers that I was a liar and crazy.. I don't feel I can go through any of that again.

First off, either stop having sex with him or get on some form of birth control asap. Do not have anymore kids with this person.

He sounds like my ex when we were married and before we got married. For the last two years our daughter has been in and out of the hospital. We didn't even make it to a year of marriage before I filed. The whole time she was in the hospital he would take off to go get meth. He was spending all my money. I was the only one with a job. I was paying his child support. He was going to strip clubs and paying for sex sites and porn and just weird stuff. I finally had enough. It's been two years since the last time he hit me. I did stupidly give him another chance after he went to rehab and was in recovery but he relapsed and shenanigans again. I've been on birth control since April 2015 because I had a scare. I don't know what I would have done had I gotten pregnant again with his kid considering there was a chance we'd have another sick baby AND he wasn't helping out with this one or his other three.

He is abusive. Don't worry about what your family thinks or says. They aren't in the relationship YOU ARE and your children! Don't be embarrassed it happens. Hell I went back to my abusive ex after I divorced him because I thought he had 'changed.' He seemed serious but he lets any tiny thing be an excuse to relapse. If he would stay off the meth he'd be a functioning adult.

If your family and friends know YOU they will support YOU. Who cares what this guy's family or friends say or what your ex's family or friends said? They don't know you. The people close to you they know you. Abusers are good at manipulation and appearing to be the good guy. If the people who say they are your friends and family abandon you, you're better off without them if they stick up for him over you.

Lesson learned don't rush into relationships. You can't change it or take back the kids you have/are having with him. But for the future you have to take things slower.

Get some help. Go to a shelter. Call one of the hotlines. Leave him asap.

I'm very nervous that I'm overreacting and that I should be supportive of my husband though.. I feel like I'm lost at the minute..

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

Every time things are bad I feel a terrifying urge to GET OUT. But when things are okay, I feel like I overreacted. I'm not sure it's all very confusing

 

Stop - take a step back. Is this how you rationalized your abusive ex's behavior? Stop rationalizing it - it's not rational! You aren't overreacting. Trust your instincts. That spidey sense means something and it's usually right.

 

I've been there. Ok? I used to say "Well if he just quits using meth, everything will be fine." Or "If he just does this or that" or "If I just do this or that he won't get so mad." Forget that. I was working full time and taking care of his kids and then our kid. He sucked out half of my savings. I have nothing left partly due to him manipulating me out of money. I had about $30,000 saved up at one point from reenlistments and deployments. Now I have anywhere from nothing to $5 in my savings. He got me again when I bailed him out of jail in March because I don't believe he did what he got charged but it was quite a bit of money. I kept telling him I don't think I can pay all of it. Get your parents to pay part. And he kept doing what he does and "I don't want to sit in jail for six months for something I didn't do" blah blah blah. So I, like the idiot I am with him, bailed him out. I spent all of my tax return and my paycheck that week. I had to borrow money from my mom until I got paid again. What did he do the night I bailed him out of jail after he had been sober for like six months? Got drunk with his stupid friends. Then somehow got some meth. Tweaked out in my car for two hours that night.

 

Then started up his taking trips again and acting like an ass when he couldn't get anymore and one night he took my car and told me if I didn't give him $100 (after he stole $100 off my card from the ATM - somehow he saw my PIN probably at the store a few days before when I got groceries) and said if I didn't he would crash my car. So I called the cops. He got arrested. Spent a month in jail. I told him when he got out get your crap and go find somewhere else to live. He tried to sweet talk me even then. And I'm going through him trying to get back in my life again!!! It's a vicious horrible cycle.

 

Do I love my ex? Yes I always will but I know it won't work because even if he's not physically abusive he still tries to gaslight me and make it seem like it's my fault we're divorced if he doesn't get his way. He won't grow up. He won't admit his problems. He thinks it's about him when he has four kids he's not helping with and the oldest is 14 and no one has seen him since Feb or heard from him since July and he's not doing anything about it!!!

 

Guys like this don't change. We just have to accept that fact and stay away from them. I know - it's harder to do with kids involved. But if you have a son do you want him to be like his dad? Do you want a daughter to think that's how a partner treats her? I don't want my daughter to think it's ok.

 

I know how hard it is. But you obviously had support last time. Tell those closest to you and get away from him.

The mean/sweet confusion is the sine qua non of abuse. Healthy relationships do not generate a never ending cycle of guilt vs terror.

Every time things are bad I feel a terrifying urge to GET OUT. But when things are okay, I feel like I overreacted. I'm not sure it's all very confusing

The confusion is intended and implemented. Part of the mind-games.

You need to get away.

"The Mystery of Loving an Abuser" by Dr. Joseph Carver

 

I know how hard it is. But you obviously had support last time. Tell those closest to you and get away from him.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through all that! Many people don't understand why we would go back again after so much mistreatment .. It's hard to explain but nice that somebody does understand.

My ex was the same way, became addicted to pain medication after a surgery and it spiralled. He wasn't so quiet about it, openly beat me black and blue, raped me many times and I was terrified, he wasn't smart, the only games he played was crying and begging for forgiveness which I fell for.

This time, it is so very different. The games are subtle, so subtle I'm not even sure they are happening.. If that makes sense. He doesn't do drugs, hardly drinks. For the majority has a good head on his shoulders and tries to provide for us. He was amazing support during my births, we see family regularly and he plans things for our family. He likes to spend money, but it's usually on his children.

But then there is a different side.. He can be so grumpy and rude. He gets road rage, impatient in stores, rude to customer service, he gets angry at me if I take too long getting the kids ready, he gets angry and is rude if I talk to my best friend on the phone and says I'm wasting every bodies times. I try to talk to him about life decisions like appointments, bills and other responsibilities and he either just doesn't listen at all, or tells me to stop worrying about it..

The only time i have felt he is an abusive person, is last Xmas. He spent every penny we had on gifts for me.. When I was trying to save and didn't want anything.. I felt obligated to be happy because he had put a lot of thought into the gifts, yet we just couldn't afford them. He left on Boxing Day and when I called I found he was at the bar watching the game with a friend. I was angry. He came back drunk then told me had spent more money on new toys for the kids.

I got angry, cried and started to question him and he LOST IT. He slapped me, I was pregnant with our youngest and kicked me up my behind. Locked me up in our bedroom and told me he was taking the children away from me.

It was quickly forgotten about by everyone but I will never forget how scared I was that he was going to take my children away from me..

I also don't feel comfortable telling anybody around me except for my best friend. She does know and tells me that it needs to be fixed. But she's also in another province and not close.

If I tell my parents, they will think I'm overreacting, they really like him. My siblings may listen to me.. But if I tell them, they will never accept him again so I better be sure I'm leaving him.

I'm lost. Leaving just doesn't feel like an option now.

" Leaving just doesn't feel like an option now."

You have to leave, there is no other option.

"He slapped me, I was pregnant with our youngest and kicked me up my behind. Locked me up in our bedroom and told me he was taking the children away from me."

Why would you even contemplate not leaving. Yes, tell your siblings and tell them soon.

This person is unstable, deranged, and dangerous.

Why would you want a life like this for yourself....

" Leaving just doesn't feel like an option now."

 

You have to leave, there is no other option.

 

"He slapped me, I was pregnant with our youngest and kicked me up my behind. Locked me up in our bedroom and told me he was taking the children away from me."

 

Why would you even contemplate not leaving. Yes, tell your siblings and tell them soon.

 

This person is unstable, deranged, and dangerous.

 

Why would you want a life like this for yourself....

How did I miss that part? Damn get out of there. Yesterday.

I wish it was as easy as that. I have so much investment in this relationship.. that I'm worried leaving won't be very simple.

At least this moment anyway..

I saw my doctor yesterday and I have therapy starting this week. I hope to bring it up in there and get some advice and support locally.

I thought I had a good eye for the red flags since I went through it once. So now just coming to the realization that his behaviour just isn't situational is terrifying. I feel scared, lost and panicked.

I want to listen to the advice here, but it's really hard to believe that he's fully abusive. To be honest the fact that I can't decipher that by myself is scary

I wish it was as easy as that. I have so much investment in this relationship.. that I'm worried leaving won't be very simple.

At least this moment anyway..

I saw my doctor yesterday and I have therapy starting this week. I hope to bring it up in there and get some advice and support locally.

I thought I had a good eye for the red flags since I went through it once. So now just coming to the realization that his behaviour just isn't situational is terrifying. I feel scared, lost and panicked.

I want to listen to the advice here, but it's really hard to believe that he's fully abusive. To be honest the fact that I can't decipher that by myself is scary

 

It happens more than you think with women and men in repeated abusive relationships. My ex sister in law went from one douchebag with her baby daddy to another one with this douchebag she married a couple years ago. She did date a few decent guys in between. I don't know why those didn't work and why she married a guy she barely knew less than a year after she met him and has four daughters. But that friendship is over because I told him off.

 

He is abusive. 100%. You know it. You just don't want to admit. You're being proud and stubborn. I think that's why my mom won't leave her husband. He's always been an abusive and she cheated on him while married to my dad - who is probably one of the last few decent guys in the world - and now she realizes it but I don't think she will admit she was wrong because of all the damage her affair did to us kids and everything. I wish she would leave. I have had my issues with her but we are working things out and despite what she did when we were younger, she doesn't deserve to be put down and belittled and all the crap he does to her that I hear about from my brother. She is so down on herself and depressing. She used to be outgoing and strong and independent and I looked up to her when I was little. She would tell ilt like it is. She wouldn't take crap from anyone - except this guy.

 

Do you want your kids to see you like that? To see the abuse? I wouldn't.

Call victims services again and talk to a counselor if you are afraid he's fooled your family into thinking he's a good guy.

He slapped me, I was pregnant with our youngest and kicked me up my behind. Locked me up in our bedroom and told me he was taking the children away from me. It was quickly forgotten about by everyone but I will never forget how scared I was that he was going to take my children away from me..

My family all definitely think hes a good guy. Not perfect by any means.. but good.

After the blow up on xmas, my husband called my parents while i was in the bedroom. He told them my hormones were crazy and i freaked out at him for spending money on the children.

Which is more or less true. He then asked me to pack up all the kids and drive to my parents which i did.

My parents and siblings know about him kicking me and blew it off as a one off fight. Which in reality, it was a one off fight as he doesnt regularly hurt me.. but its other constant controlling behaviour they dont know about.

I spoke with my sister this morning and told her my worries and she thinks its situational and not to worry but to get him to a doctor for the anger issues.

Which is obviously more confusing because she knows him.

I know he is acting in an abusive matter. I can admit that. But i feel if i can give him the ultimatum to see a doctor, see a therapist or otherwise leave.. then if he refuses i have the reason behind it in why im leaving and to stick to it. It might help me realize it is time to be done.

I can not call victim services until i truly believe that i am in danger. They pressed charges without my consent last time and it wasnt a good experience at all. It was pressure, it caused a lot of issues that could have been avoided.

They did their job... but it was traumatizing.

I dont think i really have any support except for my friend. Who doesnt live close at all.

Wow. Sorry to hear that they view this as normal/ok. It's not surprising you went from one abusive relationship to the next. Do you live in a culture where this is customary or normal? If so sorry, then you have nowhere to turn, as you have indicated from the last relationship.

Do you come from abuse since your family siblings seem to dismiss this as 'just an argument'. Was this an arranged marriage where he supports you and gave your parents money, so they turn a blind eye? It sounds like they would rather see you stay married (and financially supported/abused) than come back home.

My parents and siblings know about him kicking me and blew it off as a one off fight.

Indeed, Wiseman.

Do you come from abuse since your family siblings seem to dismiss this as 'just an argument'. Was this an arranged marriage where he supports you and gave your parents money, so they turn a blind eye? It sounds like they would rather see you stay married (and financially supported/abused) than come back home.

None so blind as those who do not WISH to see.

It sounds so terrible, so alien.

There was some violence in my upbringing. From my mother. When i told my father about it on the phone (he worked away) he seemed concerned but after talking to my mother, i was in trouble for lying.

I remember it all very clearly in my head.. i was probably 9 at the time.

It continued through my teens until i moved out and met my first long term relationship. My abusive ex.

Strangely though i knew my now husband for 5 years before we dated. He was wonderful during my years of court and found the whole thing disturbing. I knew him when i had black eyes from my ex and he was disgusted and tried to put a stop to the abuse and confront my ex.

Im not in a culture that accepts this sort of behaviour and not in any type of arranged marriage.

My family just turns a blind eye to a lot of things. But strangely enough were more than supportive through leaving my last relationship. But a stranger had contacted them and told them i didnt leave my ex, i would end up dead as he saw my ex attack me in public.

So i dont know. Im just very confused.

Im looking forward to my therapy and getting my thoughts and feelings all straightened out. Im just at loss with my situation. But first plan is to be more assertive with my husband, demand him to get help and work on setting myself up financially to be ok on my own.

Yes sever and get your finances together for yourself , stop letting him control everything. Poverty is his goal, why? it keep you enslaved by him.

You can't fix him, therapy can't fix him and sadly abused women who chose to stay and continue the abuse always say this as if it sounds "assertive". Why? because they refuse to work on themselves...the only person they can realistically 'save' or change.

I But first plan is to be more assertive with my husband, demand him to get help