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Petrovska971

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So about 6 months ago I was on a girls trip at a bar with my friend out of state. As we were getting ready to leave I turned around to grab my purse and saw a guy (we'll call him "John") that literally made me weak in the knees. I knew I couldn't leave without talking to him. Before I knew it my friend set it up and we wound up talking for hours. We then went dancing and well, I wound up spending the night with him that evening. I was leaving back home the next day and figured that was a great night and the end of that.

 

"John" and I live in different states. I never thought it would amount to anything.. well two weeks after meeting at this bar and spending the night together we met up again on a work trip of his... then again about a month later at another work trip...

 

then recently I had a flight cancelled when I was out of town and couldn't get back home for another 5 days. He offered me to come fly to where he was and stay in his home where he lives since I didn't know anyone where I was... so I saw him about two weeks ago...

 

Now I am about to go see him again next week as he invited me to a wedding of one of his closest friends. I'll also meet his brother here.

 

For the last six months we have spoken almost every day when we are away. Occasionally we go a few days without talking but we resume pretty quickly. We also have great physical, sexual and mental chemistry. It's something he's pointed out more than once. When we are together we laugh a lot, tease each other, banter and the sex is out of this world. We are still very different and are both very strong willed.

 

At this point, I've begun to actually care about him and picture him around in the future...however, we have had no sort of discussion of what we are doing or where this is going. He knows I want a family at some point (he's mid 30's and I'm in my early 30s).. I don't know at this point how long I should wait before whatever we are doing is addressed?

 

He works A LOT.. and I mean A LOT. Long hours, constant traveling, so at times I wonder if this is just convenient for him to just see me periodically... I don't know what to really think anymore.

 

I was thinking if nothing is brought up in this trip this coming week (we'll spend about a week together) then maybe I should just let it go and move on?

 

I have never been involved with someone long distance so not sure how these things work. Is it odd that he hasn't raised it so far? Am I making too much out this? how long is too long?

 

 

Thanks in advanced!

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I think he hasn't raised it because this arrangement is working for him, chances are good that he doesn't want anything serious.

 

But I would initiate the talk to see where you stand. His answer, if not direct, should still give enough clue to proceed to make a decision.

 

6 months is too long to wait for the "what are we" talk, for me anyway. I usually do it within 1-3 months.

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Thank you for your reply...I have thought that as well. If after meeting his closest friends and family he doesn't say anything then that'll probably tell me all I need to know.. Chances are I'll prob just back off and when he asks to see me again I'll probably just admit that we are looking for different things. Still makes me kind of sad to think this as I definitely caught feelings... sigh

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I can't speak to his feelings of course or what he ultimately wants long term, but the fact he invited you to the wedding of his close friend, and to meet his brother, indicates to me this is more than just something that is convenient for him when he passes through.

 

If it's troubling you though, why not ask him?

 

It doesn't have to be this big heavy conversation, but after six months, I would think it's okay to communicate about the status of your relationship.

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I sense that he likes me, but to what extent is unknown.. and liking someone doesn't mean he is ready to commit. He's introduced me to his colleagues before during the travels. I know he feels I'm someone he can bring around that can have a conversation with anyone and that he is proud to show off. It means a lot and I think him inviting me to this wedding is further proof of that which is something that just shook my feelings big time...

 

I'm so shy to raise it, I do not know why other than possibly that after I ended my marriage a year ago (in which I was in for a very long time) I haven't felt anything for anyone (and I've met a lot of men since)... and for the first time I guess I'm realizing I really like someone and it's all so new and I get nervous and scared since I haven't felt this way for a very long time.

 

If he doesn't raise it himself after the wedding I know I'll have to.... bc I can't do this much longer.. also I plan to relocate and wherever I choose to move I'll have to make that a new place to settle down and plant roots so ...sigh... thanks for your advice!

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Thank you for your reply...I have thought that as well. If after meeting his closest friends and family he doesn't say anything then that'll probably tell me all I need to know.. Chances are I'll prob just back off and when he asks to see me again I'll probably just admit that we are looking for different things. Still makes me kind of sad to think this as I definitely caught feelings... sigh

 

Why would you just back off and assume you want different things without talking with him first?

 

Just because HE has not brought it up, does not mean he doesn't envision a future with you.

 

Many men won't bring it up first. They're thinking is, if she needs clarity, SHE will bring it up.

 

If it's troubling you, then YOU bring it up.

 

Why does it always have to be the man to initiate the convo, and if he doesn't the woman assumes he is not serious?

 

I am not getting that.

 

Communications go both ways.

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probably because it's easier despite the risk. doesn't make it right, doesn't make it ok by any means. I agree with you, but as I mentioned in my last post these emotions are all very new to me.

 

I was in my previous marriage for 10 years and this is the first time since that i've allowed myself to be vulnerable with a man and realize I care for someone in a very long time. I guess fear... but fear is an ugly thing.. I'll just have to muster the courage and realize if i want anything to be successful in the future I'm going to have to.

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I agree that bringing you to meet family and colleagues at functions merely means he's happy to show you off, I don't take that in and of itself as a sign of commitment.

 

I would strongly suggest talking to him about it rather than just assuming things and back off with no explanation. If you can't communicate about such fundamental things, honestly I don't see the relationship going anywhere.

 

By the way I was the one that brought up exclusivity and boyfriend girlfriend status in my relationship, as well as the discussion about marriage to make sure we're on the same page. They were easy conversations because we were already on the same page, I just needed to confirm that's the case. Guys generally don't bring up these subjects. If you want to talk about something, just do it. Don't wait around passively.

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thank you so much for this. see, I am so out of touch with this --- precisely why I posted.. I'll enjoy the coming trip and see how it ends up.. I'll raise it if I have to, you guys are right. I guess I just needed to know if sufficient time had passed to not come out with this too soon...and clearly it hasn't so.. i guess the time is coming up. I appreciate everyone's advice

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You're in charge of your life, so if this is the point you want to know the status of things, then I'd communicate this. I remember when I was single, there was a particular guy that I asked: I just wanted to know what your dating style is. Do you like to date one woman at a time, or more? How long does it take for you to decide to be exclusive with someone, or is that not your goal?

 

I'd also ask what his longest relationship has been, and how long ago that was. That should give you some sort of idea what his pattern might be.

 

So with his long work hours and traveling, if at some point you two lived in the same city, how often would you actually get to see him? If it's unsatisfactory for you to be happy in a relationship, is this a sacrifice you're willing to take for someone who you do not love yet? I had a one year relationship with someone who worked 55-60 hours a week. If we watched t.v. together, he'd fall asleep during that and go to bed. He worked partly on Saturdays, so doing anything that day was out of the question. On Sundays, his only day off, he slept until one or two and then usually had a headache the rest of the day. I got really tired of not having a companion to spend time with. Just something for you to think about. Right now you see him refreshed, but if you got past the honeymoon period, would it be like this for you, too?

 

If he's worth the risk and he wants to be exclusive, you need to think about whether or not one of you can make the move to the other's town after another year or two. If neither of you are willing to move, it won't work out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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probably because it's easier despite the risk. doesn't make it right, doesn't make it ok by any means. I agree with you, but as I mentioned in my last post these emotions are all very new to me.

 

I was in my previous marriage for 10 years and this is the first time since that i've allowed myself to be vulnerable with a man and realize I care for someone in a very long time. I guess fear... but fear is an ugly thing.. I'll just have to muster the courage and realize if i want anything to be successful in the future I'm going to have to.

 

I hear ya, realizing you care and feeling vulnerable can be very *scary* ... and yeah it's easier to just back off and run away... hoping he chases after us and makes everything all better. Ugh.

 

But I have learned, and only recently actually, that you end up feeling worse in the long run (especially if they don't run after us and thus pass our s*** test) and it is much better and healthier for us to put on our big girl panties lol ... and communicate!

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You're in charge of your life, so if this is the point you want to know the status of things, then I'd communicate this. I remember when I was single, there was a particular guy that I asked: I just wanted to know what your dating style is. Do you like to date one woman at a time, or more? How long does it take for you to decide to be exclusive with someone, or is that not your goal?

 

I'd also ask what his longest relationship has been, and how long ago that was. That should give you some sort of idea what his pattern might be.

 

So with his long work hours and traveling, if at some point you two lived in the same city, how often would you actually get to see him? If it's unsatisfactory for you to be happy in a relationship, is this a sacrifice you're willing to take for someone who you do not love yet? I had a one year relationship with someone who worked 55-60 hours a week. If we watched t.v. together, he'd fall asleep during that and go to bed. He worked partly on Saturdays, so doing anything that day was out of the question. On Sundays, his only day off, he slept until one or two and then usually had a headache the rest of the day. I got really tired of not having a companion to spend time with. Just something for you to think about. Right now you see him refreshed, but if you got past the honeymoon period, would it be like this for you, too?

 

If he's worth the risk and he wants to be exclusive, you need to think about whether or not one of you can make the move to the other's town after another year or two. If neither of you are willing to move, it won't work out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Hi Andrina, thank you so much. I will need to definitely clarify this..

 

I do know his longest relationship was 8-9 years for most of his 20's. Similar to me, although he never married.. I believe they broke up at 28, he's now 35..I don't think he's had very long term girlfriends since.. I think he mentioned he's only seriously dated 5 girls his whole life.

 

I know he wants someone that he can take on his work travels which I could accommodate since I work from home most of the time. I plan to relocate as it is so if he wanted to be exclusive I would risk it and move where he is. I love the area and would be happy to, even if we didn't end up working out.

 

Your advice is sound and I am listening, I appreciate it. Looks like I have some thinking and talking to do soon.

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I hear ya, realizing you care and feeling vulnerable can be very *scary* ... and yeah it's easier to just back off and run away... hoping he chases after us and makes everything all better. Ugh.

 

But I have learned, and only recently actually, that you end up feeling worse in the long run (especially if they don't run after us and thus pass our s*** test) and it is much better and healthier for us to put on our big girl panties lol ... and communicate!

 

haha yes! It's TERRIFYING! Thank you so much... time to be a big girl now. Sigh... You're totally right. I rather put this behind me now with peace of mind than to wonder for the rest of my life... or possibly end up with him.. ahhhh

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haha yes! It's TERRIFYING! Thank you so much... time to be a big girl now. Sigh... You're totally right. I rather put this behind me now with peace of mind than to wonder for the rest of my life... or possibly end up with him.. ahhhh

 

I would ask but with no back story, no apologies, no "we have to talk". Simply "what are your intentions about us". I would assume his intentions are to casually date you -think about it -if he was serious about you right now why in the world would he risk his long distance lady being snapped up by some other guy because he didn't make his intentions clear? If he gives anything other than an enthusiastic "I want to be with you and I see a potential future with you" you will have your answer. If you want the opportunity to be a mom, ask now. I did marry my long distance boyfriend but we had dated in the past and our conversation about the future happened the day we got back together. I hope I am wrong and the conversation goes well but I really did want to emphasize not to have a long drawn out "relationship talk" - there's no need because if you two are on the same wavelength the entire conversation should involve two sentences -one each -and then no talking and a lot of lovin'.

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Just to add, I have a friend who's been in a LDR for 9 months now (officially), they did talk for a few months before meeting since they were so far away, met in person for a weekend, then met again to spend a week together, at which point he made it official, about a month after they met in person. They also commit to daily Skype conversations and meeting once a month until a decision is made on who is moving and when. There's certainly no doubt that they are both serious about each other by the commitment they make to spend time together, and the level of communication about future plans.

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Just to add, I have a friend who's been in a LDR for 9 months now (officially), they did talk for a few months before meeting since they were so far away, met in person for a weekend, then met again to spend a week together, at which point he made it official, about a month after they met in person. They also commit to daily Skype conversations and meeting once a month until a decision is made on who is moving and when. There's certainly no doubt that they are both serious about each other by the commitment they make to spend time together, and the level of communication about future plans.

 

What a great story about meeting on line long distance.... and having it work out after meeting *in person*.

 

All I hear about lately is how things fell apart after meeting in person after talking for months/years even, so thank you for sharing!

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Do you see yourself moving to his area? Do you think he perceives this as a series of fun hookups or a relationship?

I've begun to actually care about him and picture him around in the future...however, we have had no sort of discussion of what we are doing or where this is going.
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Hi Andrina, thank you so much. I will need to definitely clarify this..

 

I do know his longest relationship was 8-9 years for most of his 20's. Similar to me, although he never married.. I believe they broke up at 28, he's now 35..I don't think he's had very long term girlfriends since.. I think he mentioned he's only seriously dated 5 girls his whole life.

 

I know he wants someone that he can take on his work travels which I could accommodate since I work from home most of the time. I plan to relocate as it is so if he wanted to be exclusive I would risk it and move where he is. I love the area and would be happy to, even if we didn't end up working out.

 

Your advice is sound and I am listening, I appreciate it. Looks like I have some thinking and talking to do soon.

 

You need to tread carefully in this area. Everything is going well so far, because there's no responsibility tied to this casual situation. This whole, happy scenario could change very quickly when responsibility becomes a factor (you moving to the area).

 

It's not a fun feeling knowing that someone has left everything just to be with you. If things don't work out, you feel obligated to stay with them because of their sacrifice (not a good situation to be in). I know that you say that you plan to stay in the area if things don't work out, but it won't ease his anxiety over it. I would not suggest it at this time.

 

I would recommend first establishing the relationship, before bringing up the idea of "moving to his location". See how he reacts to that. If he wants to be with you bad enough, he will find the time to make it work. Things will then take its own course from there.

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OP, my husband and I started out long distance....and I mean EXTREME long distance. I am from Canada and I met him while on vacation in Scotland. So for about the first three years we were together but VERY far apart.

 

Now, we are approaching our 7th wedding anniversary and 9 years together. We also have a beautiful 8 month old baby.

 

Based on your description of your relationship thus far, I don't see this going the distance and the main reason for that is because neither of you seem to want to communicate.

 

Communication is important in ANY relationship, but in an LDR it is DOUBLY important because it is LITERALLY all you have. If you want things to work out with this guy you need to first of all ASK HIM what he wants and make it clear what you want.

 

Yes, it might mean the end of things, but better to know sooner (and not spend a fortune on plane tickets) than later.

 

Also, if both of you DO want to make this happen you need to come up with a plan to do so. One of you has to be willing to move (and I personally think both should be willing or it will breed resentment) and a timeline has to be established.

 

I know it feels like demanding commitment too soon, but again with an LDR you don't want to waste your time and eventually something would have to give. Better to make those decisions early and work towards them then to go aimlessly into the relationship expecting something to change "someday".

 

Good luck.

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I agree entirely. And me moving there is not something I would ever do without him asking or because our relationship takes a natural course that route.

 

From the night I met him I told him I was planning to move -- that's never wavered. He knows this is my intention so leaving it all behind wouldn't be for him, it's something i planned to do for a while now.

 

I wouldn't move to where he is unless it was mutually agreed that it was the right course of action for us to take. First thing will be to address where we are now and where we each want to go...

 

He mentioned already taking me to some other things soon (unrelated to the wedding)-- so he is already planning other trips but I'm not doing this anymore unless it's cleared up after the wedding. I know myself and I can't do this much longer as it is and it's best we cut it lose now before emotions get seriously hurt down the line should we not be looking for the same thing.

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OP, my husband and I started out long distance....and I mean EXTREME long distance. I am from Canada and I met him while on vacation in Scotland. So for about the first three years we were together but VERY far apart.

 

Now, we are approaching our 7th wedding anniversary and 9 years together. We also have a beautiful 8 month old baby.

 

Based on your description of your relationship thus far, I don't see this going the distance and the main reason for that is because neither of you seem to want to communicate.

 

Communication is important in ANY relationship, but in an LDR it is DOUBLY important because it is LITERALLY all you have. If you want things to work out with this guy you need to first of all ASK HIM what he wants and make it clear what you want.

 

Yes, it might mean the end of things, but better to know sooner (and not spend a fortune on plane tickets) than later.

 

Also, if both of you DO want to make this happen you need to come up with a plan to do so. One of you has to be willing to move (and I personally think both should be willing or it will breed resentment) and a timeline has to be established.

 

I know it feels like demanding commitment too soon, but again with an LDR you don't want to waste your time and eventually something would have to give. Better to make those decisions early and work towards them then to go aimlessly into the relationship expecting something to change "someday".

 

Good luck.

 

I appreciate your honesty and it makes sense. I know I will have to speak up.

 

I know he is afraid of that part of his life changing and we are already confusing things too much. He wants me to come to his alma matter for some sporting events.. he was telling me yesterday how he is inviting on of his best friends over to meet me that won't be at the wedding...among other things that just sends me all sorts of mixed signals and I know that I'm going to have to be the one most likely to start the talk and at this point so be it.

 

As I plan to move anyways (I have asked to work from home so I can relocate anywhere in the US basically) I need to really know what his intentions are because when I move -- I'm moving to start a life and settle down and plant roots wherever I end up so ... if we are not on the same page now better I know this sooner rather than later considering the changes coming up.

 

Thanks so much.. we'll see how it goes!

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Do you see yourself moving to his area? Do you think he perceives this as a series of fun hookups or a relationship?

 

That's where I am not sure.. sometimes I just can't see him settling down and then he does and says things that make me think he's taking this somewhere else...at the beginning and for the last few months I didn't feel any pressure or desire to define things bc I didn't really think we'd still be here 6 months later but after seeing him two weeks ago I certainly understood I am developing emotions now and that's why I guess I need actual clarity and communication on that front now... I plan to raise it after the wedding and all the things we have planned so I guess I'll find out in a week's time.

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As I plan to move anyways (I have asked to work from home so I can relocate anywhere in the US basically) I need to really know what his intentions are because when I move -- I'm moving to start a life and settle down and plant roots wherever I end up so ... if we are not on the same page now better I know this sooner rather than later considering the changes coming up.

 

 

Didn't you say in an earlier post you were NOT moving for "him" per se?

 

So why would what HE says (either way) make any difference as far as your move goes?

 

You want to move to the same area, then move.

 

Why do you need to be on the same page, assuming again you are not moving for "him" which is what you previously said.

 

I agree with Soul Taker on this.

 

Discuss status of your RL but do NOT bring up the "move."

 

It will place too much pressure on him (too soon) and yes he WILL presume you are moving for "him" no matter what you say.

 

Just do what you want, move wherever you want, regardless of what happens in your RL.

 

You don't need his approval or permission or agreement or anything else to do so.

 

You do it for YOU, because it's what you want to do regardless.

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