Loving an addict - snowballs and hell?

It's been nearly 4 weeks since my child's father and I have gone no contact - he's under a restraining order, and we're enroute to court, so clearly fun times ahead...

The thing I keep agonizing over - did it EVER stand a chance? I found out 6 months in that he had lied about his 'clean living' claim when he confessed he was addicted to pot. He cried, and swore he wanted to get help and fix it. I bravely supported him - told him I would be by his side. Months passed and it started to get pretty clear that he wasn't THAT serious about giving it up. His entire psyche was pro drug. Nevermind that it was impacting his life, his energy levels, his health, and yes, his relationship with me.

Fast forward a year later...I'm pregnant, living with him - and lo and behold! I find it isn't just pot! It's cocaine too! And prostitutes! And two way sex sites! Thousands and thousands of dollars spent on all of this!

So now clearly - I'm dealing with someone with some pretty serious addiction issues.

Naive as I was...I believed him when he said he'd get help. He'd change.

So he started seeing a therapist and apparently was all better in a couple of months. I believed him. I realize now maybe I shouldn't have. Can a cocaine and prostitute addiction really be sorted out in a 3-6 month time frame? I don't know...I'd love your thoughts.

But the pot stayed. Every day. Sometimes all day.

When i raised it in our couples counselling he called 'bull$hit' on me. I said it made me feel lonely...that it impacted his personality...that I didn't enjoy spending every evening with someone who was high. He refuted my claims. Said it didn't really change him at all and I was just being dramatic. Said that yes, he knew he needed to smoke less...but that cutting down would take time. Well it had been two years and I was still waiting.

I should also mention he has anger management issues. Has raged many many times...broken things in the house...and raised his hand against me on many occasions.

He's publicly humiliated me by telling people I have a personality disorder (which I do not - he had me so convinced I was crazy that I actually went to a doctor to get checked out, and it turns out I'm doing pretty well given the insanity that has been my life) and has basically run me down to anyone who would listen.

It's over now. And I'm moving on. What I want to know is - am I right in thinking that it was never possible to have a bright future with someone who was so deeply steeped into his addictions? My understanding is he's had varying levels of addiction for going on 10plus years now. He's pushing 40.

As for me - I've never had substance abuse problems, I don't do drugs and barely drink alcohol. I also have a very successful career and am entirely self made. I dreamed of a wonderful family, in a nice neighbourhood, where we took our kids on road trips, and had a dog.

Now I type as my little boy lays sleeping. And I hope and pray that someday I can give him that family...that somewhere out there is a man who will bring as much health and commitment to a relationship as i do.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I don't think someone with so many problems could be fixed in a couple months. I used to get questions from my ex. What was my addiction. I really couldn't think of one she didn't believe me. She also convinced me to go see a dr. He told me he would just be taking my $$. I think in this instance you are much better off without this person. Good luck finding what you are looking for. It's basically all I've wanted there's got to be people on the same page out there.

This scares me when I read this as it has a lot of similiar qualities to the 5 year relationship I just got out of....Same thing with my ex, he was an alcoholic, drug addict ( did crack, molly, pills whatever he could get his hands on), went into rages when drunk destroyed and smashed so many of my things, plates etc, even hit me a few times...I also caught him looking at porn, talking to girls on FB the whole nine yards. He had a rough childhood and was abused etc. but that is no excuse. Basically I came to the conclusion that he is a selfish sociopath and will never change. I had my problems with addiction as well, but I am clean now and getting my life together. He is going to drink, drug and smoke himself to death. He is also a liar and a cheater like your ex. You were right in deciding to leave for your emotional and physical well-being as well your child's. It would not have ended good and if you would have stayed, he probably would have eventually ended up maybe hitting you. You did the right thing. We can't change them. I know it's hard because for some unknown reason, I still can't figure out why we love people like this. Maybe because deep down we feel sorry for them and hope they will change. But rarely they ever do. They do have some good qualities, but the bad majorly outweighs the good. When we first meet them, they put on an act in the honeymoon phase. Then when life gets real, the true colors come out. You should read my post in the ex/girlfriend boyfriend section about him contacting me and saying he missed me which was complete bull and turns out he just wanted me to send his pathetic A&% money because being the loser he is...he spent it all on beer and drugs. He'll never change. He also dumped me and went back to having relations with his niece who he was arrested and labeled a sex-offender for having relations with her when she was 17 and he was like 35. I found out he was back with her and committing incest now that she is in her 20's and he is 47. So disgusting...I feel like I was living a lie for 5 years, and I was. The saying "Love is Blind" is so true. Please run , run as fast and far away as you can for you and your child's safety, future and well-being. It's true what they say, once a cheater, always a cheater, same can be said with "addict substituted for cheater. I hope things work out for you. Surround your self with supportive family and friends who care about you through this difficult time. Best wishes.

This should have been done when you saw that he was not ending his weed habit.

Sorry, but you choose to ignore very obvious sign of addiction, by continuing on this farce.

I hope that you have been tested for STDs'! Time to make you child the priority and stay away from this loser.

I read the second half. he's abusive, too! Were you supporting this guy?

OP, please get therapy to understand what attracted you to this dynamic. I would look at co dependency.

I wish you luck!

Hey Hollyj

You're right in that I chose to ignore red flags. And my instincts.

I wasn't supporting him - he's very successful given his situation - high functioning for sure.

And yes, I'm in therapy to figure this out.

Sorry, lady. I see you using words like "bravely" and seeking someone who brings as much "health and commitment" as you do and I get an "I can ignore the signs and do no wrong" vibe. You brought a child into the world with a man you were fully aware was an addict and whom you admit you knew at the time wasn't serious about kicking the addiction. That's about the antithesis of healthy.

I do hope you fare well in therapy and that both you and the father can get your issues worked out to someday effectively coparent. Best wishes for you and the child.

You're never not an addict. You're just able to manage it. It's a lifelong battle.

My younger brother is a heroin addict. Sometimes he's clean for over a year but he has relapsed quite a few times. People can manage it but only if they're actually aware of the problem. And no 3-6 months is not enough time to control a 10 year long addiction.

You've done the right thing. Give yourself time to heal.

Addiction abuse and all that goes with it is something to keep yourself and your child away from...forever.

Call the domestic hotline they will set you up with free counseling, resources including financial, legal and other support.

You will need ongoing support to work through why you stayed and recover from the mind-twisting effects of abuse. Excellent you got a restraining order and are going to court.

It's been nearly 4 weeks since my child's father and I have gone no contact - he's under a restraining order, and we're enroute to court, so clearly fun times ahead...

I had a year-long online romance with an addict. Moved in with him, found out all manner of things. Left after three weeks. Stayed on and off in touch for two years more with him doing all manner of promising, but never coming to me or being willing to meet.

I finally told him, "Look, this is ending. If you get sober and can stay sober for a year and prove it, then you come and find me. But I am not waiting and I love you, but I am not going to be involved with an addict. I saw my father put my mother through living hell with alcohol addiction as a child. You know this. IF you love me you'll get clean and stay clean and prove it. Until then do not contact me."

That was over 20 years ago. I've since moved on and found a sober decent guy who doesn't need to use and abuse drugs or alcohol.

The ex has never contacted me. I don't even know if he's alive.

NO, it never stood a chance, because you don't yet understand there is only one person who can choose to end his addictions and that.is.him. It does not matter what you, the law, or anyone else under the sun, moon or stars tell this guy, do to him, say to him etc. etc. It is in his hands and his alone to break his addictions or have them break him.

I've seen men who had been in prison for 50 years, sober and clean because they had to be, go out and be back to drinking or using within a month's time. Quitting an addiction is the easy part and that can be enforced and/or faked. But staying sober is a whole other thing entirely and from what you describe this guy is nowhere even close to that.

IF he ever will be. My dad was an alcoholic from the time he was six until into his 40s. It took him nearly a decade after that to finally, finally straighten out the hell his life had been. And it left lasting damage to his family that hasn't really ever been fully healed. He's dead now and my mother who has Alzheimers still only remembers the bad in him and is very bitter she stayed married to him. And you have to understand I loved my dad, I'm glad he got free finally, but it was decades of horrific times before that happened.

So please stay free of this man. Don't let him have access to your son except under court supervised visits or even terminate parental rights, because this guy isn't going to change and his addictions are dangerous and will put you and your son in the path of other dangerous people like him. And please also dump the idea that you need a man at all to give your son a good life. You don't, as his mother it's on you to provide that good life. You need to adopt the attitude that anyone else needs to earn that trust and earn it hard before they'd even be allowed into your son's life. I stayed a single mom through most of my three boys childhood, because there was just no way anyone was getting access to them that hadn't been heavily, heavily vetted and proved to me that they could be an asset to my sons' lives rather than a detriment.

And no, someone doesn't get better from sex and drug and alcohol or any addictions in 3 to 6 months. They're just getting started IF they aren't playing the whole lying game of "I'm going to therapy" to lull you into believing them. Try to 3 to 6 years of having to change an entire lifestyle and maybe, just maybe they stand a chance of staying clean.

My dad eventually had to move us, sever his old friendships, build an entirely new career, and do years of AA and therapy and major, major amends to his family and friends he'd hurt before he was finally what anyone could call really free of his addictions. I had to watch my father crawl across broken glass to do that, fall off the wagon multiple times, turn away people he'd been friends with since he was a child. He literally had to go coyote in a trap chewing its leg off to get free.

It is a hell on earth I would never wish on my own worst enemy. And I was there as a child and teenager for the entire ride and yes, it's left lasting scars that will never fully heal. This guy conned you, repeatedly. You need to go to some Al-Anon meetings, you need to read up on the true nature of addictions.

And if he's abusive on top of that? Yeah, this is the guy who will hurt your son sooner or later. He is not father material at all and likely never will be. Please, love your son enough not to subject him to someone who is an addict. Blood means nothing. Look in our papers and see how often blood relatives hurt and destroyed the kids--it happens so often I really don't get why you think this man being a sperm donor gives him a right to subject your son to what he's already subjected you to or worse.

As others have said get resources and get free. Move if you have to, sever his parental rights, understand there is nothing you could ever do because the problem isn't you, it's him.

I found out 6 months in that he had lied about his 'clean living' claim when he confessed he was addicted to pot. He cried, and swore he wanted to get help and fix it. I bravely supported him - told him I would be by his side. Months passed and it started to get pretty clear that he wasn't THAT serious about giving it up. His entire psyche was pro drug. Nevermind that it was impacting his life, his energy levels, his health, and yes, his relationship with me.

I'm glad you're getting therapy. Hopefully your psychologist is a good match for you and will help you with what appears to be codependency issues. When you know someone isn't good for you and your sensibilities then it's time to leave... certainly not stay and have kids with him/her.

I guess you've learned that now, though...

What I want to know is - am I right in thinking that it was never possible to have a bright future with someone who was so deeply steeped into his addictions?

Thatwasthen - if I was clear in my thinking I wouldn't be on here. You come across as judgemental in your response - don't know if you mean to but that's how it made me feel.

"I realize now maybe I shouldn't have. Can a cocaine and prostitute addiction really be sorted out in a 3-6 month time frame? I don't know...I'd love your thoughts.

"

and you say, Tiger:

As for me - I've never had substance abuse problems, I don't do drugs and barely drink alcohol. I also have a very successful career and am entirely self made. I dreamed of a wonderful family, in a nice neighbourhood, where we took our kids on road trips, and had a dog.

And you ask:

"The thing I keep agonizing over - did it EVER stand a chance?

How could such a dysfunctional set-up ever stand a chance.

And of all the men out there how on earth did you fall into the clutches of this one?

Addictions aside he evidently has serious mental health issues.

Thatwasthen - if I was clear in my thinking I wouldn't be on here. You come across as judgemental in your response - don't know if you mean to but that's how it made me feel.

I am asking you a question as to why you think you stayed with a man that you have admitted here in your opening post that it was clear that he was not serious about giving up his addiction.

Everyone who hears what they don't want to hear thinks they are being judged. If you feel you are being judged then I must have hit a nerve which can only help you to see where YOU let YOURSELF down. Hopefully when you see that, you won't make the same mistake yet again with the next man you happen to form a relationship with.

You said:

it started to get pretty clear that he wasn't THAT serious about giving it up.

The likely reason is that you have codependency issues and you were trying to control what he did when in reality the only person we have control over is ourselves and how we change the things we can and have the courage to do it.

Like I said. Hopefully you and your therapist are a good match and he/she will help you to figure out why you stayed and even had a child with him when it was pretty clear to you that he wasn't going to change.