Was I in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Me and my boyfriend were together in total for 2 years.

Our relationship was on and off throughout this time. Always him to be the one to break up (this happened twice), but about a week ago I finally ended the relationship for good.

A pattern would occur, he'd distance himself from me until the point we'd break up.

We would only meet once a week, despite living a 10 minute walk from each other's houses and we only went out 3 times in the whole 2 years on a date.

These are the reasons why I think I could have been in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1. Whenever we would argue (very rarely as I'd always want to keep the peace), somehow he'd ALWAYS have to win the argument. Even if he was completely in the wrong, he'd turn it back on me and I would feel so bad for arguing with him

2. Whenever we'd finish arguing he'd ignore me, for days. He wouldn't contact me, he'd go out and have fun with his friends. He knew that it'd upset me that he would ignore me. I see it looking back as if he was trying to punish me.

3. He thought he was superior and more intelligent than me. For example, he's really interested in guns, planes tanks etc from WW2 and often he would do a 'girlfriend test' where he'd show me a picture of a tank, or an aeroplane and get me to guess what it was. When I got it wrong he'd in a very very subtle way put me down, to make me feel stupid, and would say that I failed the test.

4. He often wouldn't trust me. If I posted a picture on social media and a male liked it, he'd question me and be suspicious.

5. He didn't like my best friend and whenever I would tell him that I was off into town with her or was going to meet her, he'd be sarcastic and make a joke. This resulted in me not seeing her as much as I used to as I felt stupid because he'd make me feel bad and guilty by his sarcastic remarks.

6. He would always dictate whenever we'd meet. Once a week. At 7pm. At his house. If I ever asked to meet more than once a week he'd say "I'll have to see what I'm doing this week", when I knew full well he'd be spending it out with his friends.

7. He would sometimes say things that made me insecure. For example, we were laying in bed and he randomly said 'ewwww you've got a moustache' (my hair is dark so I have a very light hair on my face), and I obviously got a bit upset. He then kept saying he was joking. I still was upset and he joked about me being upset. Once, we were hugging and it was a warm day and he said 'ewww your sweating'. And I felt self conscious.

8. He always had double standards. He would talk to quite a few girls on social media, but he wouldn't like me talking to my male friend whom I've known for years.

9. Whenever I would get insecure about something e.g if he liked a picture on social media of a girl with her cleavage out, or even if I got upset in general about anything, he would make out as if I was crazy and wrong for feeling that way, which I would then apologise.

10. He'd be in control of the relationship. He'd put himself, family and friends first, whilst I was last. I'd get little attention and when I did, it was the BEST thing in the world!!!! Itd keep me going through the times he wasn't as nice as I knew there was something to look forward to.

**the way he would do all this was VERY subtle.**

Looking back, for the past 2 years he eroded my self esteem & would belittle me. Usually I'd be unhappy and feel so alone, and feel like a bad person.

He wasn't always mean. He'd always call me beautiful, say he loved me, wish me luck before a test and cheer me up when my grandad died.

He would sometimes be so nice and romantic to me, and other times I'd feel hurt and alone.

I'd spend all my time by myself, upset a& anxious whilst he would be having fun with his friends.

What are your opinions?

Honestly I don't think he was abusive towards you.

I think you two were completely incompatible and young. I also think you need to work on your confidence and creating a more fulfilling life by yourself, as yours revolved so much around him while he was a lot less invested.

It sounds like it was a very toxic, unhealthy relationship. It's best that you ended things. No one needs a relationship like that. A relationship should complement your life and add to it in a positive way. This relationship sounds like it had the opposite effect. Good for you for moving on.

Wouldn't call it abusive but not exactly healthy either...

Number 3, my ex did that too!!!! So incredibly annoying! I always told him he wasn't my school teacher.....i hated him in those moments!

No, he was not abusive. He just wasn't that into you.

The real question is why you kept asking to get back together once you worked up the resolve to break up with him. Even this most recent time you tried to beg him back after ending it.

So, why do you keep trying to be with someone who doesn't seem to be that into the relationship? That is the real question.

Anyway, you're young. You have plenty of time to find a good, loving relationship with a guy who really is into you.

He wasn't being abusive. I mean it's not fun what he did so I hope you don't go back to him. Like others said he just wasn't into you. Once you find someone interested and truly loves you then they treat you really well. His dismisiveness towards you was his subconscious way of not wanting to commit.

Lisa

I would say he was an a**hole who has the fine beginnings of a being a controlling, emotionally abusive self-entitled jerk. Who gets that way and stays that way and will go on to probably be worse IF he never has any consequences to how he treats people.

That you finally broke it off with him and are done says you have grown up and realized what you describe is not a relationship, not anything but a toxic one anyways.

Strive to do better for yourself in the future, note his characteristics that were flawed, seriously take a moment with yourself to ask why you stayed after it became very clear there was a chronic problem with this guy, and celebrate the fact that you're free. Go out and live life, get friends, don't let him come crawling back to hoover you in for more shippy treatment and DON'T put up with this kind of bad behavior from anyone else you want to call a partner in the future.

You're young enough this should be treated as a learning experience and you move on and put how someone treats you and you treat them together as higher priority than simply when they choose to pay attention to you then it's good and the rest of the time you're miserable. That morphs into the cycle of abuse - look it up - and while I don't think this guy is yet a full-blown abuser he has the makings if he doesn't end up losing friends and loved ones over how he treats them and decides to grow up.

In the end really it is up to you to teach people how to treat you and if they treat you badly to show them to the door, as you did with this guy finally (hooray!) so now you have room to take these lessons and grow and find better. And you do that by giving yourself time to heal and ask yourself why you stayed and what you're going to do in the future regardless of how you feel about someone, if they treat you crappy in any way.

I still think it's important to figure out why, despite his dismissive treatment, you continued to beg him back after getting up the resolve to break up with him.

You've said before (and even after this most recent breakup with him) that you love him and miss him and want to be with him. If he treats you the way you've described many times, what about him do you love?

And for the record, I don't think he's abusive. I think he's an example of a selfish, self-absorbed young person, but abusive? I don't believe so.

Yes you were in an abusive relationship, he is a novice abuser and therefore this is kind of insidious (though also textbook). Note that you don't need a full-fledged abuser to think you were in an abusive relationship. You look at the wreck he left you, look at the hurting bits in your relationship, the ways you have developed to walk on eggshells, new anxieties, panics, a new pounding heart and all those signs of emotional trauma and yes, you can decide simply by looking at yourself. Another clue: We deal with all sorts of jerks but that doesn't always leave us with a dizzy mind trying to make sense of things. We can more readily say, "whoa! what a jerk" and move on. But if we are shaken to the point of trying to mmake meaning of something that left the emotional impact of a truck going over us, yes, that is emotional abuse (in the ligt of your examples).

Contrary to the common myth, not all abusers are fulfledged maniacs. Some of them are very softspoken, nice people indeed - with a heavy cost. Some people can abuse others without saying one nasty word, or even saying no to them. Some people just build up this ambient abuse that is in the air at all times. No need to act to do more. This thing comes in all shapes and sizes. There is no one agreed recipe for abuse.

The examples above can be read as controlling or oblivious behaviours that we may all exhibit from time to time. Invalidation is very hurtful behaviour but we may all do it sometimes without being aware of it. But it is also listed among the commonly used tools of psychopaths, narcissists etc. The key is to remember that these people are not exactly a unique form of evil. They are every day evil, but seriously amplified, magnified. The magnitude of what you experienced is hidden not in the list you provided, but in how often these mechanisms were repeated (in different situations, cases etc), and what kind of an emotional impact they left. To repeat myself, if someone is genuinely asking themselves if they were abused because they feel like a wreck, they most probably were.

Have a look at these websites. If things, small details, feelings of others resonate with you, then yes, you were abused. Sometimes, the sum is bigger than its parts.

Let's look at your list.

1. Whenever we would argue (very rarely as I'd always want to keep the peace), somehow he'd ALWAYS have to win the argument. Even if he was completely in the wrong, he'd turn it back on me and I would feel so bad for arguing with him

This is at best the sign for an emotionally immature person but it is very common. However, if this is happening on a continuous basis (and you say always) then you will feel very invalidated or scared to talk to him. This will pave the way for walking around eggshells probably so will help to build an ambiance of control.

2. Whenever we'd finish arguing he'd ignore me, for days. He wouldn't contact me, he'd go out and have fun with his friends. He knew that it'd upset me that he would ignore me. I see it looking back as if he was trying to punish me.

This is called stonewalling and is said to be one of the worst forms of emotional punishment because we cannot do anything against it such as defending ourselves etc. Passive aggressives do this, narcissists, psychopaths do it. Among the non-disordered, those severely kacking empathy and having controlling tendencies to this. (People don't need to be disordered to be abusive. So, being ignored this way, you are reduced to an emotional zero (invalidation). On top pf it, you know that he is out there carefree (invalidation multiplied. He knows this will upset you and do this, yes, he is punishing you severely and of course conditioning you. When this conditioning is complete, abuse increases.)

3. He thought he was superior and more intelligent than me. For example, he's really interested in guns, planes tanks etc from WW2 and often he would do a 'girlfriend test' where he'd show me a picture of a tank, or an aeroplane and get me to guess what it was. When I got it wrong he'd in a very very subtle way put me down, to make me feel stupid, and would say that I failed the test.

Oh yes, obviously narcissistic tendencies. "The test" in itself must be pretty stressful.

4. He often wouldn't trust me. If I posted a picture on social media and a male liked it, he'd question me and be suspicious.

Insecure controller.

5. He didn't like my best friend and whenever I would tell him that I was off into town with her or was going to meet her, he'd be sarcastic and make a joke. This resulted in me not seeing her as much as I used to as I felt stupid because he'd make me feel bad and guilty by his sarcastic remarks.

Sarcasm, which I believe to be one of the best creations of human mind, can turn into an abusive tool, yes. In time, this treatment paves the way for the victim to start isolating themselves and then more abuse starts.

6. He would always dictate whenever we'd meet. Once a week. At 7pm. At his house. If I ever asked to meet more than once a week he'd say "I'll have to see what I'm doing this week", when I knew full well he'd be spending it out with his friends.

Again, very controlling. Mind you, because a lot of people tend to have another life going on outside, this can also be functional. Isolating you helps him carry on various façades all at once.

7. He would sometimes say things that made me insecure. For example, we were laying in bed and he randomly said 'ewwww you've got a moustache' (my hair is dark so I have a very light hair on my face), and I obviously got a bit upset. He then kept saying he was joking. I still was upset and he joked about me being upset. Once, we were hugging and it was a warm day and he said 'ewww your sweating'. And I felt self conscious.

This is obvious abuse. Again you can look at the signs it leaves in you. With loving, kind partners, these things don't hurt much. They can be embarrassing sometimes but we manage to get over it. But abusers do this in a very special way that takes away all your control - Cluster B - psychopaths, borderlines, narcissists- are experts at this. Passive aggressives too, to a lesser degree. Basically, they may give you a "compliment" and you can feel like , or they say something to "protect" you and you get upset, they say something at a moment when you want to feel good and special (say after intimacy) and it makes you think what the hell is going on. "Evaluating" the female body this way after intimacy is classic. And we end up as the "oversensitive", "insecure", "crazy person" who is so touchy and who cannot make meaning of things. This is the goal of abuse anyway, you losing your reality and being imprisoned in his.

8. He always had double standards. He would talk to quite a few girls on social media, but he wouldn't like me talking to my male friend whom I've known for years.

Controlling.

9. Whenever I would get insecure about something e.g if he liked a picture on social media of a girl with her cleavage out, or even if I got upset in general about anything, he would make out as if I was crazy and wrong for feeling that way, which I would then apologise.

Like the one above.

10. He'd be in control of the relationship. He'd put himself, family and friends first, whilst I was last. I'd get little attention and when I did, it was the BEST thing in the world!!!! Itd keep me going through the times he wasn't as nice as I knew there was something to look forward to.

Crumbles, carrots, something to look forward to.

He wasn't always mean. He'd always call me beautiful, say he loved me, wish me luck before a test and cheer me up when my grandad died.

He would sometimes be so nice and romantic to me, and other times I'd feel hurt and alone.

Of course he wasn't. They rarely are, until much later. he needs to have a cycle and keep you in. Actually, some of them do rather over the top things to keep you in or compensate for the trouble.

So this may be a person with an attachment problem, a person with BIG controlling tendencies - given that he was able to do all of this during your rather limited contact), a narcissist who didn't show his real face yet. Other things are also possible. But yes, there is something very invalidating all this and you would experience this as an abusive relationship. It can be insidious, hidden in the looks, the body language, so many things. Not everyone experiences everything to the same degree. Someone else might be comfortable in this for a while if they have their own disorder or attachment problem and want a partner to act out with. Those things usually end in very volatile disaster. (The narcissist and borderline dynamic is famous.)

Whatever this is, it hurt you very very badly. Don't be pulled back in, it can be very easy. Run for the hills. Heal.

You only had three dates in two years???? What did you do when you were together?

Honestly I don't think he was abusive towards you.

 

I think you two were completely incompatible and young. I also think you need to work on your confidence and creating a more fulfilling life by yourself, as yours revolved so much around him while he was a lot less invested.

I completely agree this wasn't abuse. Especially after reading your past threads. Both of you were annoying, immature, and insecure. You nitpicked each other in different ways and are well without each other.

He sounds like an immature jerk. It's good you are reflecting on the merits of relationships and what things are red flags and deal breakers.

It also sounds like he was much more casual about things and you were much more into him. So it may or may not be "abusive" however don't date guys who have no time for you and don't seem that into you.

Honestly I don't think he was abusive towards you.

 

I think you two were completely incompatible and young. I also think you need to work on your confidence and creating a more fulfilling life by yourself, as yours revolved so much around him while he was a lot less invested.

I second this post.

What are your opinions?

As someone who was, albeit falsely, accused of very similar behavior, I echo the below statements.

Honestly I don't think he was abusive towards you.

No, he was not abusive.

He wasn't being abusive.

I completely agree this wasn't abuse.

I second this post.

To reinforce the point, all my therapists/counselors have told me that even if I had behaved as such, I would not have been abusive (and subsequently was told my previous relationship was unhealthy, for reasons I won't be discussing).

The term "emotional abuse" gets thrown around so freely now-a-days that I thought it best to chip in.

Me and my boyfriend were together in total for 2 years.

Our relationship was on and off throughout this time. Always him to be the one to break up (this happened twice), but about a week ago I finally ended the relationship for good.

A pattern would occur, he'd distance himself from me until the point we'd break up.

We would only meet once a week, despite living a 10 minute walk from each other's houses and we only went out 3 times in the whole 2 years on a date.

These are the reasons why I think I could have been in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1. Whenever we would argue (very rarely as I'd always want to keep the peace), somehow he'd ALWAYS have to win the argument. Even if he was completely in the wrong, he'd turn it back on me and I would feel so bad for arguing with him

2. Whenever we'd finish arguing he'd ignore me, for days. He wouldn't contact me, he'd go out and have fun with his friends. He knew that it'd upset me that he would ignore me. I see it looking back as if he was trying to punish me.

3. He thought he was superior and more intelligent than me. For example, he's really interested in guns, planes tanks etc from WW2 and often he would do a 'girlfriend test' where he'd show me a picture of a tank, or an aeroplane and get me to guess what it was. When I got it wrong he'd in a very very subtle way put me down, to make me feel stupid, and would say that I failed the test.

4. He often wouldn't trust me. If I posted a picture on social media and a male liked it, he'd question me and be suspicious.

5. He didn't like my best friend and whenever I would tell him that I was off into town with her or was going to meet her, he'd be sarcastic and make a joke. This resulted in me not seeing her as much as I used to as I felt stupid because he'd make me feel bad and guilty by his sarcastic remarks.

6. He would always dictate whenever we'd meet. Once a week. At 7pm. At his house. If I ever asked to meet more than once a week he'd say "I'll have to see what I'm doing this week", when I knew full well he'd be spending it out with his friends.

7. He would sometimes say things that made me insecure. For example, we were laying in bed and he randomly said 'ewwww you've got a moustache' (my hair is dark so I have a very light hair on my face), and I obviously got a bit upset. He then kept saying he was joking. I still was upset and he joked about me being upset. Once, we were hugging and it was a warm day and he said 'ewww your sweating'. And I felt self conscious.

8. He always had double standards. He would talk to quite a few girls on social media, but he wouldn't like me talking to my male friend whom I've known for years.

9. Whenever I would get insecure about something e.g if he liked a picture on social media of a girl with her cleavage out, or even if I got upset in general about anything, he would make out as if I was crazy and wrong for feeling that way, which I would then apologise.

10. He'd be in control of the relationship. He'd put himself, family and friends first, whilst I was last. I'd get little attention and when I did, it was the BEST thing in the world!!!! Itd keep me going through the times he wasn't as nice as I knew there was something to look forward to.

**the way he would do all this was VERY subtle.**

Looking back, for the past 2 years he eroded my self esteem & would belittle me. Usually I'd be unhappy and feel so alone, and feel like a bad person.

He wasn't always mean. He'd always call me beautiful, say he loved me, wish me luck before a test and cheer me up when my grandad died.

He would sometimes be so nice and romantic to me, and other times I'd feel hurt and alone.

I'd spend all my time by myself, upset a& anxious whilst he would be having fun with his friends.

 

What are your opinions?

He sounds like a douchebag but not emotionally abusive. Kind of sounds like my ex a few of those things. Like he would tell me I have a mustache or most of his friends on FB are his exes but I tell him ONE guy I have on my list is an ex and he told me to delete him. He was always putting himself and his drugs before me. The only time he was really a huge is when he was coming off meth so that was pretty often. He would not ever quiz me on things and I definitely know more about WWII than him. He might ask me about sports stuff but if I didn't know, I didn't know. I said it.

He's just a jerk. You need to stay away from him. He has huge issues.

As someone who was, albeit falsely, accused of very similar behavior, I echo the below statements.

 

To reinforce the point, all my therapists/counselors have told me that even if I had behaved as such, I would not have been abusive (and subsequently was told my previous relationship was unhealthy, for reasons I won't be discussing).

 

The term "emotional abuse" gets thrown around so freely now-a-days that I thought it best to chip in.

Did they tell you how exactly one needs to behave to "qualify" as abusive, or what is your your definition of emotional abuse that would prevent people from so freely using the word but mean something substantial?

From an experiential point, why do you think some people who may have severe and "therapist approved" or maybe even "court approved" abuse experience or people who may be working with survivors of abuse look at this post and get the feeling "oh shyte, I know this from somewhere"?

I agree with you that the term gets thrown around a lot and this actually prevents us from seeing or keeping in mind the real impact of "abuse". However, I believe judging whether someone is abused or not without asking one question about how a person feels (PTSD, anxiety, character changing new behaviours, fears, anger, etc etc) also inadvertently serves the purpose as it classifies abuse as one of those things that can be talked about without looking at the viictim/survivor/thriver, which absolutely does nothing in the battle against this human behaviour. Ultimately, what is abuse if you try to define it without its impact? And the moment you mention the impact, why disregard the very solid impact on the person questioning these?

More radically and in a rather sided way, why does the survivor need to prove that they were severely hurt? Why doesn't the aggressor prove that this wasn't hurtful?

Exactly Zeino.

"More radically and in a rather sided way, why does the survivor need to prove that they were severely hurt? Why doesn't the aggressor prove that this wasn't hurtful?"

Did they tell you how exactly one needs to behave to "qualify" as abusive, or what is your your definition of emotional abuse that would prevent people from so freely using the word but mean something substantial?

 

From an experiential point, why do you think some people who may have severe and "therapist approved" or maybe even "court approved" abuse experience or people who may be working with survivors of abuse look at this post and get the feeling "oh shyte, I know this from somewhere"?

 

I agree with you that the term gets thrown around a lot and this actually prevents us from seeing or keeping in mind the real impact of "abuse". However, I believe judging whether someone is abused or not without asking one question about how a person feels (PTSD, anxiety, character changing new behaviours, fears, anger, etc etc) also inadvertently serves the purpose as it classifies abuse as one of those things that can be talked about without looking at the viictim/survivor/thriver, which absolutely does nothing in the battle against this human behaviour. Ultimately, what is abuse if you try to define it without its impact? And the moment you mention the impact, why disregard the very solid impact on the person questioning these?

 

More radically and in a rather sided way, why does the survivor need to prove that they were severely hurt? Why doesn't the aggressor prove that this wasn't hurtful?

You've got to bear in mind that I'm on the other side of the fence here, whereby I was accused of being an abuser, so perhaps my opinion on the matter is biased as the experience left me very distraught. You are right however, especially with that last statement and highlighting the impact one's actions can have on an individual. My reasoning for replying was that I quite often see the statement of emotional abuse made by people who don't quite understand what this entails and the effect it can have on the accused, and because I also agreed by the sentiments left by the other users. Assuming the OP's information is accurate, the relationship was not the most healthy.

In my case; my ex went on her merry way in life with a new partner, whereas I ended up struggling with deep depression, severe anxiety, symptoms of PTSD and a year's worth of therapy.

You've got to bear in mind that I'm on the other side of the fence here, whereby I was accused of being an abuser, so perhaps my opinion on the matter is biased as the experience left me very distraught. You are right however, especially with that last statement and highlighting the impact one's actions can have on an individual.

Good point. And everyone's biased.

The "accuser" is biased because they have a conclusion in mind and are presenting circumstances to try to support that conclusion.

That's precisely why I personally think it's important to a) get as much information as possible and b) focus on what the poster can do. With this particular poster, having a history of her threads provides a much broader perspective that makes the "abuse" label much more problematic. When they were together, and there wasn't the bitterness and anger of a break up, there was a lot more information about how immature they were with each other.

Additionally, she completely infantilized herself and took away much of her own agency for making decisions in the relationship.