Am I really that happy?

I post on here alot but I rarely make threads anymore because I don't feel like I have too, but i've got a big secret that only I know...

First off let me start by saying i'm married, i've been married for the past 3 years or so and i've got 2 small children of 2 and 4, I was seeing my wife on and off for 7 years before we settled down and got married.

My big problem is I can't stop thinking about my ex who I was in a serious relationship with from when I was 17 to 21, some background information, we went to school together and around 97 we became close friends and I instantly became attracted to her, I tried for the next year or so to get her to find me attractive but she never seemed interested and eventually at the end of 98 we lost contact because she stayed at school and I left to find work. In March the following year I was working full time and she started to hang out with my regular friends and all my feelings came back but this time she shared the same feelings and we started a relationship.

Things were great at first but I don't know what came over me, whether it was inexperience or what but I became insanely jealous of just about anyone that she came into contact with and on more than one occasion I stopped her going out with friends due to my own insecurities, its nothing i'm proud of now and often find myself still beating myself up over the way I treated her. I mean I spent 2 years of my life chasing and lusting after her and I finally got her, she was first serious relationship, my first for everything and I treated her that way...what the hell was I thinking?? It kills me still.

Anyway fast forward a few years and she had gone off to Uni and we used to see each other once or twice a month and that was really hard and my insecurities didn't get any better, then after the first year we moved into a house with some other students, I noticed she was very flirty with one of the guys we lived with and I accused her a number of times of liking him which she denied no end, after 6 months I went back to my parents, she said me being there was distracting and I had no job there, had run out of money and had a job waiting for me back home.

After a week or so of being home I became really depressed, I used to ring her up and tell her I was no good and disgusting and then one day she said that we should take a break, I was so angry that she could do that to me that I swore at her and shouted but eventually calmed down and agreed...it was the only way I could think of keeping her. Then after a months or so, I can't remember because I was drinking most nights and heading into work hungover the next day she came back to our hometown to have a chat, she told me that she didn't want to get back with me and told me that I kept blaming her for everything and that I was going nowhere with my life (I had just turned 21) and we both cried and she left, then I spoke to her more and more through MSN and text messages and I got it out of her, she had started a relationship with this other guy while we were on a break and she was happy with him.

I wrote her a huge letter and posted it to her begging her to come back to me and saying things like "I won't ever mention what happened with this other guy" (which I know now was an impossible promise to keep) but she contacted me and said no and that was that.

I bumped into her once in the street where we had a slight chat a few months later and I saw her out a few times in local pubs but she took to blanking me at that point.

After that I was a mess, I spent the next 3 years of life drinking myself silly and turning to drugs just to try and dumb the pain of what she had done to me, until eventually in 2005 I met my now wife and until recently I hadn't really thought much about my first love.

But the last few months i've felt down, really down, i've been beating myself up daily about how much I messed up that relationship and my wifes noticed my change in attitude because usually i'm the chatty chatty type but i've been keeping myself to myself and she commented that I was being really withdrawn recently but I can't tell her....it would break her heart and how do you tell someone that you can't stop thinking about what your life could of been if you hadn't buggered everything up with someone else 14 years ago.....

I've found myself listening to music we used to lay in her room and listen to and i've driven past her parents house on more than 1 occasion just to see where we used to sit and talk all those years ago and I just feel myself getting more and more down about it every day and now i'm at the point where I feel like i'm going to burst into tears about it all, but i'm keeping it all to myself like I always have done.

Come on..this is done and over with and you've got a wife and kids! From everything you wrote it sounds as though this first "love" wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Yes you were insecure and made mistakes, but at the same time, she was flirty and wasn't trying very hard to stay close to you.It was dysfunctional and it wasn't going to work.

Add into the fact that she had no real problem going with another guy very quickly and you had to force it out of her. Why are you putting her on a pedestal now when she sounds like she definitely had her part in the problems you two had.

I suggest you see it for what it was, a dysfunctional relationship that could have easily brought you nothing but severe unhappiness, this was not a fairy tale.

I hope you have gotten over the self medicating and that you open your eyes now and see how blessed you have been with a wife and two beautiful children.

Appreciate what life has given you and stop dwelling, so many would love to have what you have and there was no guarantee that this woman from your past would have brought you anything but more pain. Truthfully, I think you're lucky to be done with it.

Why did you marry your wife, OP?

I mean that as a sincere question. You said you were on and off for a number of years - so what led to you two deciding to marry? Are you in love with your wife?

I ask because perhaps there are problems in your marriage that are making you nostalgic for someone who initially gave you those butterflies way back when.

I agree 100%. You blame yourself for the way you acted thinking it broke the relationship up. But she was no angel. It seems like even if you had stayed together, you would've just fought until the relationship ran its course. Your memories are painting the wrong picture of the relationship. It seems like you are in a stable and loving relationship now so please don't take that for granted and please don't ruin it.

That happens sometimes, it's called ghostly lover syndrome. You have tunnel vision and only think about the good times, but not reality. Once they fall out of love with you, like she did, it's a lost cause, they will never love you again. This is not the movies. Time to let her go.

Don't feel bad about it... it was a practice relationship for your marriage.... you learned something, that's a good thing.

Agree with you. Even though this seems like it's about the past, it's about the present. An old flame, a first love, a high school sweetheart and the carefree good old days this represents can bring your mind to simpler happier times....as you remember them to be.

This is in contrast to how you are feeling now. Down about things, withdrawn, stuck in the day-to-day. this nostalgia is quite common and normal during times when the idealized past serves as a distraction from the present

But the last few months i've felt down, really down, i've been beating myself up daily about how much I messed up that relationship and my wifes noticed my change in attitude because usually i'm the chatty chatty type but i've been keeping myself to myself and she commented that I was being really withdrawn recently but I can't tell her.

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If you can't get past this on your own, you really could benefit from some therapy to sort it all out.

I agree with Wiseman. I think current discontentment is causing you to become nostalgic and idealize your past experiences. The last time you were in an important relationship, you allowed your behavior to ruin it. You're in an important relationship right now. Be careful not to ruin it for yourself out of spite.

Listen to the quote on your profile OP it is important for your current situation.

It doesn't sound like you were happy with her that you think you were otherwise you wouldn't have had those issues. You are just remembering good parts far in between mainly bad parts.

You need to ask yourself if you will ever be happy in a relationship. You could easily self sabotage each one you go into.

For instance if you divorce your wife and go for someone else you will be thinking about your wife.

Lisa

I agree with Lisa.

Everything is more intense with your first love because it's the first time you feel many emotions.

I sometimes think about my first love.. I do have very fond memories of our time together 5 & 1/2 years, but I also remind myself of the bad times too.. that takes the rose tinted glasses off!

Funnily enough my dad had a similar thing come over him in his 60s.. even said it to my mum, nearly broke a marriage of 30+ years.

My mum forgave him but that must be crushing to hear.

Self sabotage does come to mind here, do you think you deserve to feel happy? If deep down you don't, you should do something about it (get some help to work through your problems) or you will end up messing everything up for yourself, and your family.

Thanks for all the replies, you have given me alot of think about

I hope you have gotten over the self medicating and that you open your eyes now and see how blessed you have been with a wife and two beautiful children.

Of course, when I met my wife I was still a heavy drug user and so was she, over the years the reason why we were on and off was because I decided to change my life and give it all up and she wasn't ready too, we tried a few times but it wasn't until she was ready to join me that we finally settled down together and everything has been good since and that was 5 years ago. I still smoked but not the funny sort and drank every now and then but once she fell pregnant that all went and I am smoke free 4 years and that last time I had an alcoholic drink was at my wedding, my kids are far too important to have either of those things around.

Why did you marry your wife, OP?

 

I mean that as a sincere question. You said you were on and off for a number of years - so what led to you two deciding to marry? Are you in love with your wife?

I ask because perhaps there are problems in your marriage that are making you nostalgic for someone who initially gave you those butterflies way back when.

I married her because I loved and still do love her, she is my rock and thats what makes me feel even worse because I feel like this is the only thing I can't talk to her about, i've discussed stuff in my past with her before and its funny that after all these years she is still finding out stuff from when I was young and vise versa....I don't feel like we have any major issues, the usual stress that comes with having kids, paying bills etc

I agree 100%. You blame yourself for the way you acted thinking it broke the relationship up. But she was no angel. It seems like even if you had stayed together, you would've just fought until the relationship ran its course. Your memories are painting the wrong picture of the relationship. It seems like you are in a stable and loving relationship now so please don't take that for granted and please don't ruin it.

Don't worry I will not be ruining anything , I didn't get this far to mess it all up over something like this.

You do have a point tho and you made me think that when I do think about my Relationship with her its always the first year or so I think about when things were still in a good place, once she went off to Uni it was never the same and having a long distance relationship was one of the hardest things i've had to do. So you do have a point about me romanticising things with her.

That happens sometimes, it's called ghostly lover syndrome. You have tunnel vision and only think about the good times, but not reality. Once they fall out of love with you, like she did, it's a lost cause, they will never love you again. This is not the movies. Time to let her go.

 

Don't feel bad about it... it was a practice relationship for your marriage.... you learned something, that's a good thing.

Interesting, never heard of that before, gonna do a quick google search

Agree with you. Even though this seems like it's about the past, it's about the present. An old flame, a first love, a high school sweetheart and the carefree good old days this represents can bring your mind to simpler happier times....as you remember them to be.

 

This is in contrast to how you are feeling now. Down about things, withdrawn, stuck in the day-to-day. this nostalgia is quite common and normal during times when the idealized past serves as a distraction from the present

I think about the carefree days even outside of thinking about her, maybe its age and watching my kids grow that makes nostalgic for how things were when I was younger and more carefree, i'd be lying if I said I didn't miss being younger with more energy and more freedom.

I agree with Lisa.

 

Everything is more intense with your first love because it's the first time you feel many emotions.

I sometimes think about my first love.. I do have very fond memories of our time together 5 & 1/2 years, but I also remind myself of the bad times too.. that takes the rose tinted glasses off!

 

Funnily enough my dad had a similar thing come over him in his 60s.. even said it to my mum, nearly broke a marriage of 30+ years.

My mum forgave him but that must be crushing to hear.

 

Self sabotage does come to mind here, do you think you deserve to feel happy? If deep down you don't, you should do something about it (get some help to work through your problems) or you will end up messing everything up for yourself, and your family.

See thats the reason I would never mention it to my wife, I wouldn't want to ruin everything especially if its over something that will most likely pass in time.

I'm not sure about whether I feel happy deep down or not, i've spent the day thinking about it and this is not an isolated incident, I can remember splitting up with my now wife and then a few months down the line missing her so much and everything about her, i've been thinking today about seeking outside help, maybe I need someone professional to work through my problems with

See thats the reason I would never mention it to my wife, I wouldn't want to ruin everything especially if its over something that will most likely pass in time.

 

I'm not sure about whether I feel happy deep down or not, i've spent the day thinking about it and this is not an isolated incident, I can remember splitting up with my now wife and then a few months down the line missing her so much and everything about her, i've been thinking today about seeking outside help, maybe I need someone professional to work through my problems with

I'm glad you're thinking about your wife in all of this, it's easy to get too wrapped up in your own head and neglect others... no good comes of that.

If this sort of thing isn't an isolated incident and you often feel melancholic I'd definitely speaking to a professional.

Don't see it as being weak, it takes more strength to address things that trouble you head-on than sweep them under the carpet.

And a problem shared and all that...

Best of luck

I agree with Jibralta and others. And it would be a good idea to consider talking to a therapist about this particular issue so you can get it out.

You're resurrecting the ex from your teenage years as a distraction because you're not fully invested in your marriage. You get to choose whether to keep drilling into that and potentially destroy your marriage in the process, or you can move your focus onto fixing your marriage.

Pedestalizing an ex from your past is self indulgent and misses the point. When you know you're not investing in every step you can take to improve your marriage, you'll remain in conflict. If you can do your absolute best, then the conflict is removed regardless of outcome.

You're resurrecting the ex from your teenage years as a distraction because you're not fully invested in your marriage. You get to choose whether to keep drilling into that and potentially destroy your marriage in the process, or you can move your focus onto fixing your marriage.

 

Pedestalizing an ex from your past is self indulgent and misses the point. When you know you're not investing in every step you can take to improve your marriage, you'll remain in conflict. If you can do your absolute best, then the conflict is removed regardless of outcome.

You are absolutely right, i'm a grown man now, this is a marriage with kids involved and what I am doing is not only childish but its also effecting my marriage, like I mentioned my wife has already noticed that I seem more withdrawn than usual and i'm sure my kids must have picked it up because they seem to pick everything up.

I need to pull myself together, stop wallowing in self pity over something that went away along time ago and work harder at making my marriage work so we can all be happy together. Also I need to stop thinking that my ex and myself had this perfect relationship and she was perfect because its not true and I know deep down its not true. If i'm honest towards the end there I was extremely bored of her, I didn't find much interest in anything she wanted to do and she seemed to not care about anything that interested me either, thats the part I always omit when I think about my time with her.

I think I should try to look back at the start of our relationship with fondness but end it there because once that honeymoon period ended things weren't that rosey.

thank you all for you replies

I haven't read all of the replies, so sorry if this was already mentioned, but, have you considered marriage counseling? If not both of you, but at least for yourself - someone neutral to talk it through with?

Why do you like sabotaging your relationships?

Why do you like sabotaging your relationships?

I suppose that is the ultimate question

I think I should try to look back at the start of our relationship with fondness but end it there because once that honeymoon period ended things weren't that rosey.

How about if you just stop looking back? It's a useless mind spin that keeps you trapped in 'the good ol' days,' and aren't you too young for that? You still have plenty of life left to live, and it will be what you make of it. If you want to stay focused living in your head, it's not against the law, but what does it buy you?

What do you believe you can do to start investing in your marriage today?

Already started, i've bene burying myself in my laptop every day and decided not to do that anymore, just put it in our bedroom and barely touched it the last 2 days, I got my parents to take the kids for an afternoon and surprised her by taking her out for a meal which she really enjoyed and spent the rest of the afternoon cuddled up on the Sofa watching out favorite film.

Made plans for the whole family at the weekend going to a farm and she seems really happy with that, shes always enjoyed going to places like that, just gotta start putting in the effort and stop living in my head over something that passed years ago.

Gotta live in the here and now

Just curious, why were you on and off with your wife when dating? To be honest whenever someone tells me they have / had a on and off relationship, there are serious unresolved issues that's causing it.

Already started, i've bene burying myself in my laptop every day and decided not to do that anymore, just put it in our bedroom and barely touched it the last 2 days, I got my parents to take the kids for an afternoon and surprised her by taking her out for a meal which she really enjoyed and spent the rest of the afternoon cuddled up on the Sofa watching out favorite film.

 

Made plans for the whole family at the weekend going to a farm and she seems really happy with that, shes always enjoyed going to places like that, just gotta start putting in the effort and stop living in my head over something that passed years ago.

 

Gotta live in the here and now

Well done, first steps taken on concentrating on the important things...

However, if you start slipping back into the old routine and thoughts, don't discount talking to someone.

Keep up the good work!

Well done, first steps taken on concentrating on the important things...

However, if you start slipping back into the old routine and thoughts, don't discount talking to someone.

Keep up the good work!

I will always keep it in mind, I feel this is something I can sort out myself at the mo, but if it happens again I will seek outside help

Thanks for everyones replies