How should I deal with a Hot & Cold Ex?

I tried posting a thread earlier but apparently it didn't go through? I dunno, anyways I'm confused about my ex. We broke up 2 months ago after a 14 month relationship I had become depressed and distant and stopped communicating with her about my feelings, I was really upset with work so she ended it. About a month ago my ex contacted me saying she felt guilty and wanted to talk about getting back together. We talked for hours and I felt pretty good about the conversation. I gave it a couple of days and asked her if she wanted to meet up and discuss the previous conversation. She told me no and said that she didn't think it would work out and that she is seeing someone new and had been for a few weeks. Since then I haven't reached out to her, but she initiates contact i'd say once a week, I assume to keep tabs on me? She sends me things like I miss you and I miss being with you etc etc and then when I reciprocate saying I miss her she'll say something like "we should never talk again". A few days after she said that she starts texting me again saying she may have made a mistake breaking up with me. I sent her back a message saying that I still wanted to be together and that I didn't care that she was seeing someone and that I still cared for and loved her. She said I was full of it and that I never cared for her. Should I give her time to work herself out and go no contact and not respond to her anymore? Or should I ask her for a sit down and tell her exactly how I feel? I truly do love her and care for her. Since the breakup I have been accepted into grad school, I bought a new vehicle, I lost a good amount of weight and I have a sense of self worth that I haven't had in a long time, I did all of this to better myself so I could be better for her. If that's not proof that I love her I don't know what else I can do. She's messing with my head and I cant deal with her being indecisive. Thanks in advance for the feedback.

Unfortunately it sounds like after these conversations she changed her mind. Since she doesn't want reconciliation and is seeing someone. The best thing to do is ignore and block her contact and attempts to stay friends.

Continuing this post-breakup argument is nonsense and will hinder your healing and moving on. felt guilty and wanted to talk about getting back together. We talked for hours and I felt pretty good about the conversation.She told me no and said that she didn't think it would work out and that she is seeing someone new and had been for a few weeks.

Thanks, I made the mistake of saying that I wanted to be with her until my last breath in that conversation and she basically said she couldn't commit to that. I should have tried to go slow, that was my bad and I accept it. Like I said, I haven't initiated contact at all, shes the one that constantly messages me, it bums me out. Perhaps youre right though, I should block her. I shouldn't let her dictate my happiness anymore. I have a lot going for me now. But it's still tough.

Sense of self worth? Good.. keep it. Don't lose it all over her again, right now....

SHE is majorly messed up at this point in her life. She may miss you, etc. but it sounds like she has gone a run into a rebound relationship.. not good

I highly suggest you back off.. totally and let HER deal with all she has done.

Even if things with this other guy ends.. she then has TWO break ups to deal with.. even more mental/emotional anguish.

Threfore.. NOT even ready to try again with you.. for a while.

YOU want someone in your life who CAN give to you fully. Not someone who's going to go hot/cold.

Sadly, so often, after a BU... the second round doesn't work out either

And as for you.... look at getting some prof help? Or talking to your doctor about something like anti depressants, etc.

You mentioned.. how you shut down.. lack of communication, etc. That is something that is always required in a relationship.

So how about considering getting yourself some help. Deal with YOU right now.

Thanks, I'll definitely try letting go for a while and just not respond to her. I feel like every time I think i'm in a good spot emotionally with the break up she has a way of dragging me back in with thoughts of it potentially working out.

In May about 3 months prior break up I was passed over for a promotion I thought I deserved and that's when I closed down communication. I should have relied on her more for my emotional well being, but I just couldn't. I'm not sure why and that was deadly for our relationship. I've risen out of that state of depression by talking with family and friends and actually getting off my lazy butt and committing myself to getting back into school after 3+ years of dragging my feet.

I do want the relationship back and on some level I think she wants that too, shes just not ready to commit again long term. Time apart with no communication sounds like the best idea at this time.

You realize there's something really great about consistency in thought, action, and emotion and you tell her "This no longer works for me, you being half on and half on, goodbye."

THAT IS really truly, honestly, I have tried everything under the sun, moon and stars with people who blow hot and cold the only solution to someone who can't just either be nice or nasty to you.

I will take my worst enemy over a hot and cold person, at least with my enemies I know they don't like me, I don't have to second guess anything. If they're nice to me I know it's to plant a knife in my back, but those people who are nice to you one day and "on" so to speak then cut you dead and act like you robbed their house and shot their dog in the middle of the night when just the day before they told you that you are their best friend/lover/greatest worker/etc.

Yeah, those people just need to go. Sorry, I don't have anything else. I've become convinced there is something very wrong with people who play at hot and cold, like mentally and emotionally or they're using you and what you mistake for hot and cold is them simply being nice when they want something from you then going back to snubbing you when they have no use for you.

Best way to fix all that is to break contact and find people you can count on, period.

God she has you dangling like a puppet on a string doesn't she? Checks in to get her narcissistic ego boost then ghosts you with kiss off responses...block her and go meet someone who appreciates you and doesn't play games..there's a few billion gals on the planet..

God she has you dangling like a puppet on a string doesn't she? Checks in to get her narcissistic ego boost then ghosts you with kiss off responses...block her and go meet someone who appreciates you and doesn't play games..there's a few billion gals on the planet..

She really does dangle me along. I've been casually dating for the last month or so and trying to get myself back out there, but I still get drawn back to her, especially when she reaches out, but you're right I guess...theres 7.4 billion people on this planet, no sense in wasting time on the 1 who doesn’t return my feelings anymore.

She really does dangle me along. I've been casually dating for the last month or so and trying to get myself back out there, but I still get drawn back to her, especially when she reaches out, but you're right I guess...theres 7.4 billion people on this planet, no sense in wasting time on the 1 who doesn’t return my feelings anymore.

Thats the spirit! I had a flakey girlfriend like that years ago...don't waste your time, she's just keeping all her options open, there's women out there like that but there's plenty out there who are loyal and would love a loyal boyfriend...PLENTY!

You should not give her the time of day.

Break all contact with her and move on, so you can heal.

Thanks, coming here has definitely helped me out. It is a daily struggle for me, but I've had enough restraint to not reach out to her unless she messages me. I just have to learn not to respond to her when she comes calling, because she FLIPS if I don't respond to her in a "timely manner". I've actually been wondering if shes bipolar in recent weeks.

That sounds more like just plain controlling, as if you are a friendzoned bf who has to still be at her beck and call. It's a shame you don't block her. Are you sure you've broken up?

I just have to learn not to respond to her when she comes calling, because she FLIPS if I don't respond to her in a "timely manner". I've actually been wondering if shes bipolar in recent weeks.

That sounds more like just plain controlling, as if you are a friendzoned bf who has to still be at her beck and call. It's a shame you don't block her. Are you sure you've broken up?

Ha! Yes, we're broken up. I've blocked her from everything I can think of.

She doesn't want you. But she doesn't want you to move on until her new relationship becomes settled.

I think you should block her. She's just playing games.

She doesn't want you. But she doesn't want you to move on until her new relationship becomes settled.

 

I think you should block her. She's just playing games.

Thanks. I actually met a really cool gal recently who is finishing up med school, I just kind of felt guilty talking to her because I haven't completely moved on and I don't want himself to go into a rebound relationship. My head is all messed up. I've broken up from relationships before but for some reason this one is a lot more difficult, trying though!

How should I deal with a Hot & Cold Ex?

I'd switch the question to 'should I deal with this ex?' and the answer is easy: No.

i know how you feel because i am going thru it myself. honestly bro its been a week since i last talked to her. she called me up last friday and cried for 30 minutes about how much she missed me and SHE asked ME to meet up. (shes with someone else already by the way) so we hang up. a couple hours later im off work and asking her if she wanted to still meet up and she used "i have too much homework" as an excuse to get out of hanging out with me. this is the second time she has done this to me. i get very furious and just asked the dumbest question i never wanted an answer to. i asked her if she had sex with the new guy shes with and she told me yes. i was hurt and disgusted at the same time and i just hung up the phone and havent spoke to her since. i feel really great i work full time and work out at the gym and im just starting to love myself again and feeling very motivated. in your case your ex is just making sure that youre the plan b if things dont work out with the new guy. so if you go no contact stay off social media shes gonna be like where did you go??? then shes gonna hit you up and yu just have to have the strength to ignore her when she does. at least for 30 days. i know its hard but it works. n my case i havent spoken to her in a week and i stayed off social media and she hasnt called me yet but i know she will. youve been with this person for a while and you created a bond and made memories together. she needs time away from you too bro. i know it must suck reading this but im on the same boat as you and things do get better. time heals all my man and soon when youre doing good and shes doing good your paths may cross again someday. you are the only person that knows your ex inside and out. i promise you whatever pain you feel right now, she feels it as well. shes trying to cover it up with this new guy but i promise you when shes alone she misses you and wants you back. thats why in the end, in our cases, we will end up on top with the power because we are not using someone else to get over our ex's. we are going thru the pain alone and they are not. just do you and keep occupied bro youre not alone, be strong my man!

i know how you feel because i am going thru it myself. honestly bro its been a week since i last talked to her. she called me up last friday and cried for 30 minutes about how much she missed me and SHE asked ME to meet up. (shes with someone else already by the way) so we hang up. a couple hours later im off work and asking her if she wanted to still meet up and she used "i have too much homework" as an excuse to get out of hanging out with me. this is the second time she has done this to me. i get very furious and just asked the dumbest question i never wanted an answer to. i asked her if she had sex with the new guy shes with and she told me yes. i was hurt and disgusted at the same time and i just hung up the phone and havent spoke to her since. i feel really great i work full time and work out at the gym and im just starting to love myself again and feeling very motivated. in your case your ex is just making sure that youre the plan b if things dont work out with the new guy. so if you go no contact stay off social media shes gonna be like where did you go??? then shes gonna hit you up and yu just have to have the strength to ignore her when she does. at least for 30 days. i know its hard but it works. n my case i havent spoken to her in a week and i stayed off social media and she hasnt called me yet but i know she will. youve been with this person for a while and you created a bond and made memories together. she needs time away from you too bro. i know it must suck reading this but im on the same boat as you and things do get better. time heals all my man and soon when youre doing good and shes doing good your paths may cross again someday. you are the only person that knows your ex inside and out. i promise you whatever pain you feel right now, she feels it as well. shes trying to cover it up with this new guy but i promise you when shes alone she misses you and wants you back. thats why in the end, in our cases, we will end up on top with the power because we are not using someone else to get over our ex's. we are going thru the pain alone and they are not. just do you and keep occupied bro youre not alone, be strong my man!

Thanks bud, I appreciate it. Everyday is a struggle but I try not to think about it. I'm staying strong and doing me for sure! Keep on being you as well!