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Feeling like a mess.. and I don't know why. Getting worse with each day.


FrozenMoon

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Okay, so I am at a loss for what to do at this point.. I'm not sure if I can explain what's going on, but I'll try.

 

So first of all, my current situation.. Well, it's actually great!

I am a first year student at university. I have some great friends, recently also met lots of new people, my days are full of productivity, I always have something to do, I have short AND long term life goals -- long story short, all is well.

.. Or it should be. But for some reason, it isn't.

 

And what is the problem? To be fair, I honestly don't know. All I know is the results I'm experiencing, and that it's making me sad to the point of crying day after day.

 

One thing I've been experiencing is a terrible case of longing for the past. Despite the fact my situation now is exactly the way I want it, I keep being reminded of how things were x years ago.. and then suddenly, I miss everything.

I miss the people I talked with. I miss the hobbies I had, the things I did. I miss the music I listened to, the places I've been, and heck, even the school I went to, the way my room looked, the way I was as a person! I miss every single bit about the past, and for some reason it hurts. A lot.

There have been moments I pushed it away, there have been moments I gave in to it and tried getting parts of that past back (like the music or the hobbies) but that would only serve to make me feel empty about it. Like I'd be desperately chasing a ghost of something long gone. Whenever I sat down with that same book, listened to that same music, I couldn't enjoy it. Not one bit.

All I got from it was the realisation that those times are gone, and this is now a different world. These good old times are now mere memories, mere imagination. Even the items I had back then, I feel like they're a solid part of that past and I just can't emotionally bring myself to even touch them anymore. But I miss them so incredibly much that I keep getting back to them, and it hurts more every time.

 

Secondly, all the good things that I have now -- they should make me happy, shouldn't they? Instead, they amplify that feeling of sadness.

It's like.. With all the positive things in the world, I feel bad for feeling bad, and whenever something nice happens I just realise how good the world is.. and then all I can think about is how "I will miss this when it's no longer there". I can't enjoy the nice little things anymore without tearing up about how they might one day no longer be here.

To name one example that's been following me for a while now, it's my parents. As I'm writing this, I already have tears welling up again because I love my parents -- but with every thing they do for me, every time I see them, I can only think about how one day they won't be here anymore and how it all would be so empty without them.. I have even been having nightmares about this recently, and I don't know why! It's not like they're THAT old yet, and they're perfectly healthy and all.. And this is the same with everything. With my dog. With fun activities, heck, even with the plants and flowers around the house. With everything that would normally make me smile.

 

I'm a mess and I don't understand why! My life is honestly good at this moment, I have not a single reason to miss the past, to fear losing what I have, to be sad at all! And yet it's here every time again. Yet it keeps breaking me up and I don't want to feel this way every single moment of every single day..

 

What can I do? What even IS this? I don't want to miss what's here now, now that it IS still here, only because I'm so caught up in these feelings..

I feel terrible bothering other people with this but.. in all honesty, all I really wish for is some help right now. I've been crying for about an hour now and this really needs to stop. If anybody could at least help me point out where it's coming from.. I'd be very grateful!

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This is going to sound a bit silly, but have you tried a bullet journal? For example, you write down three things that you are looking forward to in your day, three things that you are grateful for, and maybe write down three things that you miss about the past that day. Then go about your day. At the end of the day you can write down three ways your day was wonderful and three things you'd like to improve on tomorrow. Maybe try to make an appreciation for what you currently have a habit so that this new found anxiety doesn't push away the happiness you could/should be experiencing right now. I'm not an expert by any means, but this is an activity that I do for myself to help remind myself of how great I have it, even when I'm feeling down. Hope it helps!

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Change is good. We all dread the day something happens to our loved ones I dreaded for the longest time about my dog and his time came on Monday this week. The grief is consuming but now I just remember the happy memories & it's a comfort. That's what all good memories should be, a comfort and it should remind you of how far you've come in life. Some people don't get a tomorrow so you need to live in the moment and enjoy everything and everyone to the fullest.

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Have you considered being evaluated by a doctor or therapist to discuss these seemingly inexplicable feelings?

 

^This. Could be something very much physical - thyroid, hormones out of whack, etc. When you are aware that how you are feeling is completely off from your reality and there is no rational psychological reason for it, time to see a doctor and get a full physical on what else is going on with you. If you are on birth control, might be time to reevaluate what you are on because that can also make you feel off balance like that as it affects your hormonal balance and that in turn affects a lot of things in your body.

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Going away to Uni is the first transition to the real world from school and childhood, a rites of passage. It can be quite overwhelming in the sense that you're saying goodbye to childhood and hello to the wider world. The next big step is graduating, when most likely you'll step in to the real world in earnest. If you're startling year 1 you've only just left home for the first time, a momentous thing to do. Decades ago I also found it unsettling, but by Christmas I'd established my friends and social groups and was absolutely fine.

 

However, every University/College will have a campus councellor and it may be worth visiting them for a chat. They will have plenty of experience on this and will be able to offer you some support and advice. Personally, I think you'll be fine in a little while.

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Apologies for the late reaction -- my internet was down until a few hours ago.

 

So first of all, thank you all so much for the replies!! Even the simple fact that people took the time to read and react to my situation is something that offers me some comfort. It helps me feel like I'm not so alone with this.

Secondly, the bullet journal definitely sounds like a good idea! I will give that a try, and do my best to make it a part of my daily routine. Hopefully I'll be able to better realise how good my situation actually is if I have something to regularly remind myself of it.

Also, yes, I have actually considered visiting a doctor or a therapist about this issue before. However, I have the tendency to -- against my better judgement -- always keep telling myself "it will be gone tomorrow". Or that the problem "isn't serious enough" for it. That way I kept postponing my actual plans to go and visit one. But yes, it may be a good idea to actually take that step and go to one, though.. I figured by now that the feeling's not gonna disappear if I just sit here and wait.

The campus councellor also sounds like a good plan. Perhaps I should first see who I could approach here at uni, and if they can help me solve the problem.

Maybe some good local support could help me to create more of a 'home' feeling here, too.. If it's true that this problem is caused by living away from home for the first time, I'm hoping that may solve at least part of the issue on its own.

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