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It happened!! Ex wants to get back together


Thebighere

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Hello ENA people,

 

I've been in NC for months.

 

So my ex calls me out of the blue because he wants to get back together. He heard from a friend about me travelling and leaving the country and it spurned him to call.

 

We chatted for about an hour. It was nice

 

He kept asking me if i was seeing anyone and if i had been dating anyone. Turns out in the 8 month we were apart he tried to date one person. It never became official. They did sleep together but it ended after a few months. He said he didn't feel the same etc

 

He wants to see me next week. He wants to move some things around and drive to me.

 

He sounded happy on the phone and so eager to meet and wants to try again. He said he was dreaming about me. Shed a few tears about how much he missed me. I told him i'd think about it.

 

I'm not sure how i feel.

 

Advice?

 

Much appreciated!

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Oh darling , but your plans ... oh I want to be excited and happy for you that he is back ..8 months is a fabulous amount of time to have healed and acknowledged issues

 

but ...and sorry for saying ...eek

 

Is he having some panic knee jerk reaction that you wont be there anymore , has his in between relationship made him realise he really does want you or is he panicking cos life isn't so sweet for him .

 

Would you still go on your travels ? imagine trying to reconcile while long distance .

 

Anyway I am interested to see what everyone else thinks .

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If you're interested in seeing him again, it can't hurt. That being said, are you leaving the country soon or have you already left and come back? What were your issues before? Would they come back if you were in a long distance relationship with him? It doesn't sound like you're very enthusiastic about the possibility of getting back together with him. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it or do what you will with it, but sometimes it's better to let the past stay in the past. It sounds like you're about to go on a great big adventure, do you really want to be tied down in a relationship? Regardless, I hope it all works out for you. Safe travels!

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If you're interested in seeing him again, it can't hurt. That being said, are you leaving the country soon or have you already left and come back? What were your issues before? Would they come back if you were in a long distance relationship with him? It doesn't sound like you're very enthusiastic about the possibility of getting back together with him. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it or do what you will with it, but sometimes it's better to let the past stay in the past. It sounds like you're about to go on a great big adventure, do you really want to be tied down in a relationship? Regardless, I hope it all works out for you. Safe travels!

 

yeah ...that is all how I view it ..giving up her wonderful plans ..hmmmm but ..haha we need to know more

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Thanks for the responses everyone!

 

We broke up because i became distant, and started to say things that showed i was not happy in the relationship. I guess i needed to do some things for me but i didn't know how to communicate (or i communicated them by pushing him away)

 

We are both in a great place it seems.

 

I am going on my travels NO MATTER WHAT!! My adventures are not going to change.

 

You all make some really great points. I don't want someone back just because their last relationship failed.

 

I guess i don't feel as happy as i thought i would if he did come back because i have healed and i am SO HAPPY! Its weird, i thought i would want this but now that it has happened it feels....different.

 

I haven't seen him in over 9 months....i really don't know how i feel.

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I would like to add that i think we both handled the break up well.

 

We were respectful of each-other.

 

We both took time to ourselves. Focused on things that made us happy.

 

From our conversation (which did feel electric) we have both done amazing things. Things i don't think we could do together.

 

Its just whether it would be worth it! Would the last goodbye be too hard.

 

I do feel great!!! I never thought this day would come. I changed my life around. My life now is amazing!!!

 

More opinions are welcome

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Ugggghhhhh, why does this hurt so much? Or is it just momentary confusion because i am connected to my logical mind whereas months ago it would all be emotion.

 

My mind has been flung into overtime.

 

I am keeping an open but cautious mind. I think i need to speak to him again to better gage the situation

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Be careful he's not on the rebound from ending this latest relationship and simply contacted you to see if you were still available. Make sure you are not just helping him get over her.

 

Running back to an ex is comfy and common but is it the best thing for you at this time? Are you seeing anyone? Proceed with caution so you are sure about what he wants and more importantly, what you want.

 

What does he mean move things around and drive to you? is this long distance? What were the reasons you two broke up?

Turns out in the 8 month we were apart he tried to date one person. They did sleep together but it ended after a few months. He wants to see me next week. He wants to move some things around and drive to me.

...same guy?...
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Be careful he's not on the rebound from ending this latest relationship and simply contacted you to see if you were still available. Make sure you are not just helping him get over her.

 

Running back to an ex is comfy and common but is it the best thing for you at this time? Are you seeing anyone? Proceed with caution so you are sure about what he wants and more importantly, what you want.

 

What does he mean move things around and drive to you? is this long distance? What were the reasons you two broke up?...same guy?... ]

 

It was barely a relationship with her. It never got off the ground. I know how that feels as i dated around too but never really connected. He never had strong feelings for her.

 

Not the same guy. He was a rebound.

 

This is a guy i was with for 1.5 years. We broke up because i got critical and pushed him away.

 

He was only with the last girl for 2 months..i think she would be seen as the rebound. I'm the one he never stopped loving.

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I think you should be super honest with the ex if you decide to entertain this (which you seem to want to do). Just say "I am doing really well on my own and I've healed quite a bit since our breakup. I'm ok with meeting up and seeing if a spark still exists, but please don't take me meeting up with you as any sign. If we do this, I want to take it slowly so I don't end up hurting myself again."

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I think you should be super honest with the ex if you decide to entertain this (which you seem to want to do). Just say "I am doing really well on my own and I've healed quite a bit since our breakup. I'm ok with meeting up and seeing if a spark still exists, but please don't take me meeting up with you as any sign. If we do this, I want to take it slowly so I don't end up hurting myself again."

 

Great advice!!! I'll take it.

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hahaha.

 

Yes, you are so right!!!

 

I am really genuinely happy with my life now.I worked hard. I moved on and healed.

 

Part of me thinks i should wish him the best and leave the past in the past!

 

It doesn't have to be either/or black/white. Search for a middle ground. Meet with him. You will likely get a better feel for how you really feel. You don't have to jump in where you left off. Set some boundaries. Tell him you need to take your time and get re-acquainted. Say you're interested, but not committed. Treat it as if you were dating someone new. Then decide.

 

And maybe he's back because the other one didn't work out. Is that so bad? He's only human. Maybe it took him that to really know what he is missing. Maybe he'll be even more fond of you, once he sees how happy you are. But you'll never know if you just walk away. And everything could blow up if you jump right back in. So don't do either.

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1) thanks for sharing. It gives all the broken hearted people hope.

 

2) congrats on you. You healed, improved your life and are better regardless of what happens. Fantastic.

 

3) I say, meet up with him and see what happens. I don't think you should just jump right into things again. With all this time of NC you have the opportunity to get to know each other again. Let him see the new you and take a thorough look at him yourself. If it feels right, you'll know. If after a couple of meet ups it doesn't, than you'll know you'll be fine without him.

 

Kudos to you

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Thank you all.

 

I am going to provide the full story today for those who are interested. Its been long enough that are am able to provide a full account of events because i was in victim mode for the first 3 months.

 

I want to give people an honest account as it may help others

 

I'll post later today.

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Hello ENA family,

 

Writing out my story has been very therapeutic. Thank you.

 

Here is my full story:

 

The relationship:

Both early 30s. Happy, confident, positive when we met. It felt like a dream!

We met while i was doing a nursing job in another city (his city) while i saved money to do my Masters in Neuroscience (to do 2017). Immediately, sparks flew. He was very direct and upfront. He pulled out all the stops to impress me. We fell in love hard and fast. The first year was lovely. I moved to his city after 7 months. He's doing his PHD part time and runs a swimming academy. I was caring, devoted, he meant the world to me. I supported him in every way i could. We travelled together and had the time of our lives. We were happy but i will admit in hindsight, he was enamoured with me to such an extent that he would make me a priority in almost every situation. This became our downfall. If i was ever sad or stressed my boyfriend would make it his mission, and responsibility to fix my sadness but this wasn't usually what i needed. I might need a hug or for him to listen but he would be anxious until i seemed alright again.

Together around 1.5 years

 

The beginning of the end

We returned back from 5 month travelling. I'd saved money for my masters but i had a private care job with nursing requirements to complete a week after we returned that i knew would be testing - live in carer for a lady who was dying of cancer (also diagnosed with schizophrenia, anorexia and had the early signs of Dementia). This was the hardest job my life. I was crying in the evenings. Constant broken sleep pattern. It broke me. I was stressed and exhausted all the time. My ex struggled with this badly. I took a lot out at him.

 

She died it hit me hard!

 

During this stressful period, one of his friends died. I couldn't be there to comfort him because i was doing a stressful job long distance. This hurt me. We were both struggling. I said some hurtful and crappy things including the following:

 

"I am looking forward to finishing my placement at work, but not looking forward to seeing you"

"I am not happy"

"I don't want to do the plans we have together" (buy a house etc)

 

I admit that for months i was critical, moody, distant, and made him feel like he was failing as a boyfriend. At times i was cutting and harsh.

The Break up I was critical and argumentative. He became anxious. I started a fight. He ended it.

 

Related thread -

 

I seem shell shocked in that thread. I think the shock overshadowed my ability to remember how harsh i was to him

 

The aftermath Even after we broke up he contacted me and would tell me its not what he wants but he doesn't feel like i love him (he had good reason to say this. I took all my stress out of him). He starts therapy and throws himself into work. He moves me to a new city. As usual helping me in any way he could!

 

NC/Healing

 

If you read my past threads you will see my ex broke NC a lot! At one point he contacted me and said he wanted to meet me. At this point he had not dated anyone. He didn't want to let me go. I told him i was dating others and i was happy and he should do the same ( i was faking it at this point but hid my pain from him):

 

Reading my old threads was hard today. i forgot how much he reached out. I do remember he wanted to see me a lot in the beginning.

 

I broke NIC after around 4 months here This was very positive!!

 

This is the thread that changed me. You can read my progress with NC and how great i felt. This was the thread where i decided i was going to travel and live a life that made me happy

 

I worked really hard on bettering myself. I see where i went wrong. I have grown so much!!!

 

Thank you for the advice so far.

 

I will keep you guys up to date. I can say he was never cruel to me. He was loving and good to me. I messed up. He played his part but i can't paint him as the evil Dumper. He wasn't. He was much nicer to me than i deserved.

 

I dated a lot but i didn't have sex with anyone as it didn't feel right but i was open to start a new relationship but no-one came close to my ex. From our chat he told me he only dated one person. It didn't last long. They were never official. He loved me the whole time and had never stopped.

 

I will be seeing him next Saturday.

 

I'll update for those interested. Thank you all SO MUCH!!!

 

P.S I am still travelling. By no means am i saying we are getting back together. ONLY meeting. I just consider this a happy ending because we are both happy now and it will be nice to see him after everything that has happened.

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Excellent idea. How will you approach it?

 

Hi Wiseman,

 

I want to start off by saying, my ex coming back into my life really does feel different than i thought it would be. I imagined i would just want to grab the opportunity to be back into a relationship with him. I know him, i love him, what more do i need! But its not like that. If enough time has past, you should be seeing the relationship differently. And i do!

 

I used to hate hearing "its called a break up because its broken"

 

I have realised that if you cannot get to a point where you are happy on your own AND you can see that the relationship was broken, there is no point entertaining the idea of reconciling.

 

I am still pondering this in full. I will respond to your very good question today.

 

Thank you WIIIIIIIISSSEEEEEEEEman

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Hi Wiseman,

 

I want to start off by saying, my ex coming back into my life really does feel different than i thought it would be. I imagined i would just want to grab the opportunity to be back into a relationship with him. I know him, i love him, what more do i need! But its not like that. If enough time has past, you should be seeing the relationship differently. And i do!

 

I used to hate hearing "its called a break up because its broken"

 

I have realised that if you cannot get to a point where you are happy on your own AND you can see that the relationship was broken, there is no point entertaining the idea of reconciling.

 

I am still pondering this in full. I will respond to your very good question today.

 

Thank you WIIIIIIIISSSEEEEEEEEman

 

I like to read peoples relationship problems and have read everything in this thread, not any others on this site yet. Your last post made me register. Simply because i wanted to say that you claim to be very happy, but then your last post says if youre not happy then theres no point in going back to something broken. Now im no expert and maybe you made a typo. But isnt that kinda contradictory? Mind you im younger and less traveled, but from what you said this guy is a saint and you kinda ruined a good thing. If possible try to be good in return and i think you can grow a beautiful family that would be one of a kind in this world. Just my opinion, i dont believe in NC, its cold hearted abuse that shows lack of care, interest, commitment and inability to handle oneself by choosing a cheap escape route.

 

Goodluck!

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