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is it normal for women to ask married men to buy them underwear?


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Hey, new to this and kinda don't know how it works but here goes....

 

I'm married my husband works offshore, which means he spends a fortnight at home and a fortnight at work. Whilst he's at work him and his colleagues live on a ship at sea, the ship is his companies and it's only men on it with the exception of the cleaning and maitenance staff.

 

My husband called me a few weeks ago and told me something strange happened, that whilst he was was in the cafeteria one of the cleaning staff came in and they were having a general conversation about this and that and she out the blue asks him when he's going back home would he mind going and getting her some underwear from a particular shop that's not available outside the UK.

 

My husband was taken back and told her he would need to run it past me first and if I'm ok with it then yeah.

 

When he tells me this I flip out, I say to him he should of said downright NO! He is a married man and will only ever purchase lingerie for his wife. Now the lady knows my husband is married apparently.

 

I thought this was very unprofessional and asked him to report it right away and he refused, said he didn't want to get anyone into trouble. I was very uneasy with this as it made me feel very uncomfable, I explained this to him and he still wouldn't report it, we had a huge fall and didn't speak for several days. I rang him crying saying I felt so uncomfortable with it and he got frustrated and hung up. I sent him a message saying he is not okay to get someone he barely knows into trouble but is happy to hear me crying. He doesn't pay attention.

 

Then he gets in touch after a few days and we begin to talk he apologises and agrees he will report it. When I ask her name he tells me he doesn't know, I say to him how can he not know when she's comfortable enough with him to ask him to go lingerie shopping for her, he still insists he doesn't know her name. I think he's lying just in case I lodge a complaint against her.

 

Anyways it's all forgotten about and he comes home and doesn't mention how it went, if she got any kind of warning for acting unprofessional. So I know he hasn't reported it because of he did he would've told me about it.

 

So I ask him and he says yeah, I reported it but he starts to get all nervous and I tell him I know he's lying and didn't report it and he admits he's lying, says he didn't report it. I am a little upset and he says I shouldn't be uneasy as he's nothing to hide otherwise why would he of told me about the lingerie thing in the first place. Now I do agree with him but I am wary of her behaviour and his reason for not reporting it, even if that meant us being at loggerheads and I'm

Struggling to believe he didn't know her name, I mean they are on these ships for weeks at a time and see each other most days in the communal areas, so how would he not know her name.

 

(Oh and I must add...the lingerie shop in question delivers to Europe and the country the lady is from, I checked online)

I really could use some advise on this please, am I overreacting or am I right to have concerns?

 

Please help me out guys

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Hmmmm........ has she tried mailorder/internet shopping? Anyway, buying underwear, while it does sound a little strange, is not a date. A date would be bad. You may be making a mountain out of a molehill. If I were your husband, I might have asked you to buy it for her, lol! Hey, it's just a little cotton!

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Yes the idea of buying her lingerie is ridiculous. However your trying to force him to report this caused the problems.

 

He lied to get you off his back and because he does not want your jealousy/overreaction to possibly cost someone their livelihood and perhaps he knows how you would have gotten being the jealous wife and calling his boss about this person.

 

He would look like an idiot at work if he reported this as it was not some sort of sexual harassment just an inappropriate request. What you have accomplished however is that he will never ever tell you anything that goes on there if it involves a woman, no matter how innocuous.

I sent him a message saying he is not okay to get someone he barely knows into trouble but is happy to hear me crying. I ask her name he tells me he doesn't know.
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I agree with what you guys are saying but last year a colleague in my work acted inappropriately with me, and my husband was so uncomfortable with it that he came into my work and confronted my colleague.

 

So my problem is why is this situation any different? And this is someone who I think has intentions on my husband so him reporting it would insure nothing like this ever happens again and she gets the message.

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I gotta say, your insistence on him reporting her is a bit perplexing, even uncalled for IMO. He didn't take offense and thus didn't feel the need. You should be taking it up with him for even thinking to ask you if it was OK given that you were ultimately the one offended. The right thing for him to do was tell her no and not bother sharing such an awkward account with you.

 

Either your husband ain't too bright and couldn't think twice about sharing such a story or he thought he had a sneaky plan to buy another woman underwear he'd like to see her in... which really ain't too bright either. My kitten just licked a dangling mini-turd off my cat's butt and I think even that would be considered a more thought out idea than such a plan.

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Wiseman2 how can you say I'm jealous, you don't even know me! I am not the jealous type, I'm a very confirdent woman. And I wasn't on his back, I acted how any wife would in that situation. If the tables were turned my husband would be livid. So don't assume I'm jealous and insecure because I'm neither.

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I agree with what you guys are saying but last year a colleague in my work acted inappropriately with me, and my husband was so uncomfortable with it that he came into my work and confronted my colleague.

 

So my problem is why is this situation any different? And this is someone who I think has intentions on my husband so him reporting it would insure nothing like this ever happens again and she gets the message.

 

ok darling I hear you ... yeah , he made you take it all the way ....so shame on him cos now he knows how it feels !! but still PLEASE ..don't make him do it for this reason .. she might lose her job ..

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A guy in my work is commenting on my ass and chest everyday and I can't bend down without some disgusting comment and no matter how many times I asked this guy to stop he didn't, it got to the point I dreaded going to work so my husband who was also uncomfortable with it decided he would put and end to it. That's not a silly game, that's just protecting your wife. I came here for advice not to be judged wiseman2!

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A guy in my work is commenting on my ass and chest everyday and I can't bend down without some disgusting comment and no matter how many times I asked this guy to stop he didn't, it got to the point I dreaded going to work so my husband who was also uncomfortable with it decided he would put and end to it. That's not a silly game, that's just protecting your wife. I came here for advice not to be judged wiseman2!

 

take no notice headspace ..ok ... this is the downfall of a public forum, you can't pick and choose who replies to you ... not everyone likes everyones responses ...that is forum life .

 

going back to it ... it does sound like your hubby had more reason to be concerned and sorry to side with him a bit , but your work guy went way way way further than the girl. And now I know more , I agree he should have been reported .

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I think you're over-reacting here. I can see the perspective of the cafeteria lady - perhaps she doesn't want to pay the $25 or whatever international shipping charges and she knows her coworker (your husband) will be on leave and wants to see if he can get her some and bring it back to the ship. If the cafeteria lady were the one on ENA asking for advice, I'd probably tell her that's not an appropriate request to make of a coworker. Maybe if she had asked him to bring back her favorite box of candy or a new DVD to watch and she'd pay him back, that might be more of an appropriate request. It's not clear to me how long she lives on the ship and how much free time she has off, I think she asked him more out of convenience rather than trying to seduce your husband, but that's just my perspective on it.

 

Anyway, the fact that your husband asked you indicates to me he doesn't have any bad intentions or intentions to cheat. But I understand why he didn't report this to HR (why bother getting this woman in trouble for a stupid request)? I think you should drop it. I also think your husband should not have gone to your work to confront your coworker. I don't know what happened in that situation, but it sounds like you two need to work staying out of each others' professional lives.

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Eh...if it wasn't for the fact that you checked and the store delivers to Europe, I would have said you are way over reacting and that you have zero reasons to do so.

I still think you are over reacting though, and I'll tell you why: shipping between US and Europe is a b#tch, and she probably just wanted to obtain that item as cheaply as possible by avoiding the shipping and duties costs.

 

I probably wouldn't like it either if a woman asked my husband to buy her lingerie, but it would be just my womanly jealousy speaking and me being territorial. The truth is that based on your post, your husband did the right thing by asking you first, many people wouldn't even do that, they would just tell her "sure no problem" and wouldn't even think to ask permission from their spouses. So, the fact that your husband thought of asking you first is very sweet and you should appreciate it, instead of giving him a hard time. You've got a keeper there!

 

Now on to the woman, I honestly don't think she was trying to hit on him with her request. I mean, there are many other ways, more direct, she could do so if she wanted. Having lived in a country that didn't have a certain lingerie store I liked, I can tell you that her request wasn't all that weird, heck I asked people to get me stuff from there too, when I had to and had a chance. It wasn't a man because it happened to be a woman going, but if it was a man...considering how much I needed that item...I probably would have asked him too! Yes it's a bit out there, but we all have different thresholds of what we consider "ok" or "too out there", and clearly this woman didn't feel she was going too far. Chances are though that the thought of her request being interpreted the way you did didn't even cross her mind!

I don't know, but in my opinion she didn't do anything too outrageous, and definitely not something that warranted your husband reporting her to HR. I can totally understand your husband's reaction, and why he refused to tell you her name. By reporting her yourself and making a big deal out of something so small, you could jeopardize his own job, her job and his relationships with his coworkers. I understand jealousy, and I'm sure his job is not making things easy for you, but I really, really don't think it's justified in this case. Did she overstep some boundaries? Yes, she did. But other than that, I don't think what happened is a good enough reason for you to react the way you did and give the poor man a hard time.

 

I think you should apologize to your husband, and let him deal with this issue the way he sees fit, without forcing him to do anything. He sounds like a decent, smart man, I'm sure he'll handle it the best way he can.

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Hi pippy longstocking, I understand she may lose her job but that's not my concern, she made advances to my husband and if she looses her job maybe it will teach her not to act like this again. I have thought about her losing her job and I did feel bad but after a minute I thought "this b***h is trying to f*** my husband so to hell with her lol.

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Hi pippy longstocking, I understand she may lose her job but that's not my concern, she made advances to my husband and if she looses her job maybe it will teach her not to act like this again. I have thought about her losing her job and I did feel bad but after a minute I thought "this b***h is trying to f*** my husband so to hell with her lol.

 

well ...I walk away from this thread !!

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A guy in my work is commenting on my ass and chest everyday and I can't bend down without some disgusting comment and no matter how many times I asked this guy to stop he didn't, it got to the point I dreaded going to work so my husband who was also uncomfortable with it decided he would put and end to it. That's not a silly game, that's just protecting your wife. I came here for advice not to be judged wiseman2!

 

Yes, what you describe here IS sexual harassment, and while I think your husband going to your work to "fix" things was inappropriate and uncalled for, because this is something HR needs to handle, you just can't compare this with some coworker asking your husband for a favor, as inappropriate as it may have been. She didn't harass him.

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A guy in my work is commenting on my ass and chest everyday and I can't bend down without some disgusting comment and no matter how many times I asked this guy to stop he didn't, it got to the point I dreaded going to work so my husband who was also uncomfortable with it decided he would put and end to it. That's not a silly game, that's just protecting your wife. I came here for advice not to be judged wiseman2!

 

I don't see that as the same situation as this woman asking him to help buy her underwear. What this guy doing was sexual harassment, she was just asking for a favour, potentially just being thoughtless rather than being a sexual advance. Maybe she think of herself as one of the guys, maybe she's homosexual so didn't think it's inappropriate since it's not meant to be sexual, maybe she just lack the good sense of boundaries. It's way too harsh to report her and have her potentially lose her job over it. Your husband is right to refuse and yes I think you're overreacting majorly. Seriously, making mountain out of mole hill.

 

I've had people I don't even know (my cousin's colleague) ask me to bring them underwear from where I am, because she's big and this is the only brand of bra that she knows will fit her well and it's not available in her country. Why didn't she order it online? Probably just being cheap and because she knew I was going to visit my cousin in their country anyway so she thought why not. Of course I'm a girl so she didn't think it was inappropriate and I didn't mind doing it, but I can easily see someone with less sense of appropriateness to ask a man for the same favour.

 

On a side note, is she asking him to bring back just regular underwear or is it sexy lingerie? Did she know he was married?

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A guy in my work is commenting on my ass and chest everyday and I can't bend down without some disgusting comment and no matter how many times I asked this guy to stop he didn't, it got to the point I dreaded going to work so my husband who was also uncomfortable with it decided he would put and end to it. That's not a silly game, that's just protecting your wife. I came here for advice not to be judged wiseman2!

 

I think you should have told him to stop and taken it to your boss and HR, but it's inappropriate for your husband to get involved in it.

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Greta96 I don't live in the US, we are in the uk and the cost to deliver to her county was £3.99 not exactly a fortune.

 

I shouldn't have to apologise to my husband at all, Firstly because he should've as a married man know that going into a lingerie shop for another woman is a no go, and he should've told her so.

 

And secondly he lied about not knowing her name, I don't lie to him and thought he was the same with me.

 

It would not have affected my husbands job as he's in a managerial position and has been with the company for 11 years and is very highly regarded.

 

Gees, I don't even think the lady would of got sacked, just a bit of warming. It's a three strikes and your out type company.

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Eh...if it wasn't for the fact that you checked and the store delivers to Europe, I would have said you are way over reacting and that you have zero reasons to do so.

I still think you are over reacting though, and I'll tell you why: shipping between US and Europe is a b#tch, and she probably just wanted to obtain that item as cheaply as possible by avoiding the shipping and duties costs.

 

I know several Brazilian women who come to the US on vacation and fill up a suitcase with victoria's secret lingerie (especially during their big sales) and sell it back to their friends in Brazil because it is an expensive brand there.

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