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This is probably going to sound stupid but I don't know what to do


Charlotte24061

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Hi everyone, I'm new on here so I apologise if I miss anything or get something wrong. I was told this was a friendly but honest place to ask advice so here goes.

 

Me and my partner have been together for four years, I have a son that he is step dad to, he treats us well, works hard and is a lovely guy but there's an issue that I don't know how to go about handling.

 

My partner has always been a social butterfly but there's this one woman who's friendship I can't get my head around.

About a year and a half ago he started a new job and had to go away for a week on training, at the time the friendship with the woman was fairly recent and I wasn't happy about it anyway, she was getting too close for comfort. During his training a few days into it I had a horrible gut feeling that caused quite the row so he ended up coming home a day early. I couldn't shake this feeling and I did the terrible thing of going through his phone, I know, I'm am awful human being for invading his privacy. However on his phone were texts from this woman who was struggling with home life, she was laying it on really heavy and my partner offered to pick her up so she could stay in the hotel with him for a few nights, thankfully she declined. I of course went off my nut, in my head I had lost a considerable amount of trust in him, he asked for forgiveness and I gave it to him. He promised to cut all contact with the woman because out relationship was more important to him. I thought everything would be ok.

 

Fast forward to now and I had a third party approach me and tell me he is still in contact with this girl and was with her at the time. I rang him to "see how he was" and he straight up lied to me saying that he was with someone else and not doing much despite the fact the third party was also with him. It's not the first time he has hidden from me that he is with her. I get that he hasn't told me probably because he doesn't want me to go stir fry crazy but it's making me doubt him. Why lie to me? I just don't understand?!? How do I deal with or approach this situation? He promised me he would stop the friendship? After all the work we put in building the trust back its all just tumbling back down! What do I do? Am I overreacting? (Please tell me if I am). I'm so lost right now.

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Do you live together? Do you think he's cheating? How long have they worked together?

Me and my partner have been together for four years, I have a son that he is step dad to, he treats us well,

 

my partner offered to pick her up so she could stay in the hotel with him for a few nights, thankfully she declined.

Fast forward to now and I had a third party approach me and tell me he is still in contact with this girl and was with her at the time. I rang him to "see how he was" and he straight up lied to me saying that he was with someone else

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oh. .Sorry Hon. . but there is no way around this but to be straight up and honest.

I get right now you are trying to twist yourself around so you find some light in this but he's lying and lying for a reason.

 

You are not overreacting. I don't care if they were just playing domino's together.

He made you a promise based on your relationship and hasn't upheld it.

It was an attempt to win back your trust and instead he has been violating it all along.

How could you possibly trust him now?

 

It's just a matter of time before you tell him what you know.

In the meantime gather yourself up so you have some strength to handle what comes next.

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Welcome to ENA,

 

No matter the reason he is lying to you. How can a relationship stay strong when one person is lying to the other?

 

What to do?

Well you will have to confront him about staying friends with her and hanging out with her. Ask him if it would be okay if you had a very close guy friend and have him stay the night with you in a hotel and then stay friends with him behind his back.

 

Snooping aside you had a gut feeling and acted on it and you are not over reacting now. It may all be very innocent between the two of them but his actions make it look bad. In the end you cannot patrol his every move nor should you want to so if the trust cannot be sustained the relationship is doomed.

 

Sit down and calmly talk to him (not at him) about how you feel about his lying to you and how this interloper has made you feel.

 

Lost

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We do live together, I don't think he's cheating. What did he do? A woman that is obviously trying to get close to him that he knew I was uncomfortable about, he offered to let her stay with him on her own in a hotel and tried to hide it from me, that was the issue. I don't even know how to approach the situation, "hey hun so that girl you promised to not see again turns out you've been lying to me, do tell me more" I'm not one for confrontation and to be honest the whole circumstances makes me feel sick to my stomach

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It got me thinking about those relationships where I had that gut feeling that encouraged me to snoop.

It's an awful feeling to find things out and then feel so guilty for having done it at the same time.

 

At the same time I have had relationships where I never once felt inclined to look for anything. I didn't have the gnawing gut feeling.

 

It just goes to show that for most of us, there was a good reason to do look. I am not condoning it.

 

Just making a point that if you feel the urge to check on your partner because something feels amiss, it's very likely it's not a relationship you should be in in the first place.

 

Relationships do exist where you intuitively trust your partner. . . because they are worthy of your trust.

 

Don't make this about something wrong with you.

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We do live together, I don't think he's cheating. What did he do? A woman that is obviously trying to get close to him that he knew I was uncomfortable about, he offered to let her stay with him on her own in a hotel and tried to hide it from me, that was the issue. I don't even know how to approach the situation, "hey hun so that girl you promised to not see again turns out you've been lying to me, do tell me more" I'm not one for confrontation and to be honest the whole circumstances makes me feel sick to my stomach

 

So if he lies to you about sharing hotel rooms and still being her friend, where do you draw the line in order to believe his explanation now?

Trust doesn't work that way. He can't cherry pick what you should trust him about and what he can lie about and get away with.

It's an all or nothing situation.

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ok thanks for clarifying. Well as you know he is still lying to you. That's not good. I think its important to find out why he's lying. Is it because he has feelings for her and wants to spend time with her or is it because he simply likes her as a friend and feel you are being unfair in some way by not letting him talk to her. So I have to ask you, what's your gut telling you? Do you think he has feelings for her? I know people will tell you leave him and so on but you guys are a family so I think its really important to find out what actually is going on here.

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ok thanks for clarifying. Well as you know he is still lying to you. That's not good. I think its important to find out why he's lying. Is it because he has feelings for her and wants to spend time with her or is it because he simply likes her as a friend and feel you are being unfair in some way by not letting him talk to her. So I have to ask you, what's your gut telling you? Do you think he has feelings for her? I know people will tell you leave him and so on but you guys are a family so I think its really important to find out what actually is going on here.

 

I absolutely don't think he has feelings for her, at one point I did, he may well think I'm being unfair but I never asked him to stop talking to her. It was his idea, I have a massive complex about not wanting to be "the control freak" but it wasn't my suggestion it was his, he went back on his word and he has lied to me which is what hurting, I don't want to leave him, he's a wonderful step dad and apart from this he's never done bad by us which is why I'm struggling with it

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Unfortunately it sounds like he was hoping to have a tryst in the hotel while away on business. Sadly it's true most people having or contemplating affairs will always use the "just friends" excuse and not admit to anything.

he offered to let her stay with him on her own in a hotel and tried to hide it from me, that was the issue.
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I absolutely don't think he has feelings for her, at one point I did, he may well think I'm being unfair but I never asked him to stop talking to her. It was his idea, I have a massive complex about not wanting to be "the control freak" but it wasn't my suggestion it was his, he went back on his word and he has lied to me which is what hurting, I don't want to leave him, he's a wonderful step dad and apart from this he's never done bad by us which is why I'm struggling with it

 

Ok, so it seems he made a promise for your sake but one he didn't really believe in himself. The lies are more concerning then the woman in my opinion. If you really trust that he has no feelings for her then she is not a threat to the relationship. But his lies are.

Some choices:

You could leave him.

You could tell him you know he is lying and see what happens.

You could tell him you know he is lying, ask him the why's, (I'm assuming he would say its because he didn't want you to be hurt by something which he sees as nothing) and you guys could remove the 'ban' and see what happens. This would require a lot of trust on your part that I'm not sure you have (understandably)

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Just trying to maybe provide you some logical comfort. Was there anything redeeming about the initial text conversation where he invited her to the hotel? What exactly was wrong with the home life she was living? Was she in any way in danger? Subject to abuse? Still not saying it's anywhere near the best course of action for him to take, but if you're now convinced he doesn't have feelings for her, it may well be the case it didn't come from a bad place.

 

Romantic feelings behind it or not, he enjoys hanging out with this woman and she will remain in the picture. That's what you'll have to accept should you choose to forgive him for his lie. As for why he lied, it could be to facilitate infidelity, or he could have just taken what he thought would be the easy way out and pursue a "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" policy. What was the context of him hanging out with her? Just trying to get a picture in my head. Seems kinda awkward he'd break such a big relationship boundary with a mutual friend / acquaintance around.

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I'm not sure I understand, if you are sure he doesn't have feelings for then I'm not sure what the issue is. I know you said it was the lying but it isn't as black and white as that. It's not just the lies, it's the reason behind the lies. Your gut instinct is telling you something different than maybe what you want to believe and that is why you feel uncomfortable. If this was just a friendship there would be no need for lies whoever you feel is to blame for them.

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Just trying to maybe provide you some logical comfort. Was there anything redeeming about the initial text conversation where he invited her to the hotel? What exactly was wrong with the home life she was living? Was she in any way in danger? Subject to abuse? Still not saying it's anywhere near the best course of action for him to take, but if you're now convinced he doesn't have feelings for her, it may well be the case it didn't come from a bad place.

 

Romantic feelings behind it or not, he enjoys hanging out with this woman and she will remain in the picture. That's what you'll have to accept should you choose to forgive him for his lie. As for why he lied, it could be to facilitate infidelity, or he could have just taken what he thought would be the easy way out and pursue a "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" policy. What was the context of him hanging out with her? Just trying to get a picture in my head. Seems kinda awkward he'd break such a big relationship boundary with a mutual friend / acquaintance around.

 

She was living with her parents who she didn't get along with because they were arguing, she was in no danger just fed up.

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Is that a good enough reason to invite her to stay with him in his hotel room for the next few nights? An argument with parents? Wow!

 

Absolutely not, which is why I went a bit crazy and he promised to back off from her, i was in a really bad place when it happened I had massive depression and anxiety which sent me into over load. He stayed away for about 6 months (as far as I'm aware) but recently he's been going back and he's keeping it so secret. I'm not sure of im upset, angry, insecure or just being selfish. Either way the woman isn't so much the problem I trust him enough to know he wouldn't cheat on me , what's upsetting is I don't know the reason as to why he's lying, I don't want to leave him, I need to fix this, I just don't know how

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You are not an awful person for invading his privacy. You are just a normal person who felt emotionally threatened because she could sense that something was wrong, needed to find out truth for your emotion safety and had to resort to unpreferable methods because noone was being honest with you. If you had denied your gut and did nothing, you would be less of an "awful" person but more of a codependent in denial perhaps. And you would be more of a controlling, insecure person if nothing came up, but something did. Also, privacy does not necessarily mean our collection of dishonest acts we are conducting behind the back of our nearest and dearest and neither are you some unknown, anonymous person from the general "public" here. Come to think of it, you construct a big part of his privacy. Unless you are someone who habitually checks every partner's everything just to be sure because you have a deep-seated mistrust to people, please be kind to yourself in this, forgive yourself and don't feel guilted or distracted by the "it's my privacy" attack.

 

I would approach this situation directly, with zero guilt, not being distracted by anything else. I wouldn't ask for details or an explanation. I would make a statement that I know from third parties and elsewhere that he isn't keeping his promise to me, details are not particularly important at the moment. I wouldn't be sucked into an how much do you know argument. Then if I'm motivated to be with him, I would suggest counselling with the purpose of finding out what is missing in this relationship for both parties and hopefully repairing it. I would give him some time to think about this (3 days) and ask for some space where I'm not disturbed with this issue. I would simply mind my business in the meantime. If he isn't going to counselling, he isn't willing for indepth change and soul-searching at this stage and feels more confident controlling the situation at home.

 

He could try to deflect this by saying she has x,y,z problems and he was just offering to help. We all know what it means to help a vulnerable woman and we are not horrible people. When a man in a relationship wants to help a woman (who has become his "sister"), he can tell this to his partner and they can think of helping this person through connecting her with professional support sources (who don't suggest staying with her in a hotel) or the couple can host this woman in their house if they want to. Seriously. Hiding doesn't help anything.

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Absolutely not, which is why I went a bit crazy and he promised to back off from her, i was in a really bad place when it happened I had massive depression and anxiety which sent me into over load. He stayed away for about 6 months (as far as I'm aware) but recently he's been going back and he's keeping it so secret. I'm not sure of im upset, angry, insecure or just being selfish. Either way the woman isn't so much the problem I trust him enough to know he wouldn't cheat on me , what's upsetting is I don't know the reason as to why he's lying, I don't want to leave him, I need to fix this, I just don't know how

 

Well ask yourself. Is this the kind of behavior you would do with another man, while being with this one? If the answer is no, than neither should he.

 

You can't fix it. How? He's resorted to lying to you, just to keep seeing her.

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It just goes to show that for most of us, there was a good reason to do look. I am not condoning it.

 

I am.

 

This is your life and your time on this planet. Don't waste ONE SECOND of it. I say clean house. You're not going to go to jail for snooping. You're just watching your butt. Snoop away, I'm not going to judge you. I would be snooping like a mofo if I saw this happening in my relationship.

 

Lying is bad news. Do be aggressive here.

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