Sad and confused about new marriage

I recently realized that the main reason I married my husband was because I subconsciously thought I had to--- that it was what we were "supposed to do" because we had had sex one time while dating. I had wanted to wait till marriage, since I'm from a really conservative religious background--- I had never even dated anyone before--- but he kept asking me to do things, and I wanted to make him happy.

I never felt complete joy in our engagement or marriage, and have literally cried every day since (I'm sorry that sounds so melodramatic) even though to all appearances everything should be nothing but rainbows (he is sweet and devoted and handsome and funny and a good provider). I'm cut up with shame and guilt out of fear that I might not truly love him. I am afraid I might not be ABLE to love him since deep down I resent him coercing me (for lack of a better word, though I gave into it) into sex while we were dating. I don't believe in the religious things anymore the same way, so I shouldn't feel guilt for what we did. But I did/do feel guilt and do feel great shame and I think maybe even some anger. I resent that he knew how I felt at the time and did things anyway and then never even checked with me to ask if I was ok... This has been weighing on me bc now he's been talking about us maybe having children, which I always thought I wanted, but now I'm realizing the thought terrifies me because of my unresolved feelings about us.

I don't know how to feel about my feelings and what happened. I want to be a good wife and I don't think harboring these feelings is healthy for me or fair to him, but I just don't know how to express them. Am I just being silly? I don't know what to do. We've been married a year and in most ways have a good relationship. Thanks for listening.

Was it an arranged marriage? Did your family know about it if not? (Not that it necessarily matters) but what do your friends/family think of him?

Is this an arranged marriage? You had sex willingly you can't keep blaming him for your own actions and guilt. It sounds like you hate him for other reasons?

I I'm from a really conservative religious background. I had never even dated anyone before. I am afraid I might not be ABLE to love him since deep down I resent him coercing me.This has been weighing on me bc now he's been talking about us maybe having children, which I always thought I wanted, but now I'm realizing the thought terrifies me because of my unresolved feelings about us. We've been married a year and in most ways have a good relationship.

Good question, no it wasn't an arranged marriage. It was all pretty normal, and my family and friends love him.

The best way to resolve all of this is to see a marriage counselor so there is an impartial person to help guide you both through this time.

If you don't feel deep love for him after only one year of marriage it certainly isn't going to just get better by itself.

I assume you haven't spoken to him about how you feel. Do you feel like you are in a relationship that is 50/50 where you are both equal?

Lost

It sounds like the extreme restriction you endured prior to dating anyone has you doubting things. It's not about him or your choice to have sex and resent him for your actions. It the fact that you never even dated anyone else.

It sounds like you are inexperienced in dating, feel like your severe religious beliefs forced that on you and now you are married stuck and he wants kids. How old are you and when were you forced to marry? Do you work or does your religion/culture frown upon that also?

Good question, no it wasn't an arranged marriage. It was all pretty normal, and my family and friends love him.

 

I assume you haven't spoken to him about how you feel. Do you feel like you are in a relationship that is 50/50 where you are both equal?

 

Lost

Thanks for your note. No, I haven't known quite how to talk to him about it. I do feel we are pretty equal in our relationship. We both work and take care of our home together. It's really mostly wonderful, except for how I'm feeling.

It sounds like the extreme restriction you endured prior to dating anyone has you doubting things. It's not about him or your choice to have sex and resent him for your actions. It the fact that you never even dated anyone else.

 

It sounds like you are inexperienced in dating, feel like your severe religious beliefs forced that on you and now you are married stuck and he wants kids. How old are you and when were you forced to marry? Do you work or does your religion/culture frown upon that also?

That's interesting, thanks for your thought. I hadn't considered it that way before. I was 25 when we got married, so it's not like I was completely young and naive. I do work and have a good job, and he supports me in this as does my family. (They've moved away from that stricter lifestyle as well.)

The more I "talk" about it out loud the stupider I feel for being bothered by this one thing in our history. I really do have so much to be grateful for.

I hate to say this, but I really do think that you would benefit from a few sessions talking with a counselor. This guilt/shame you are feeling isn't really about your marriage and your husband didn't force or coerce you into anything. The harsh reality is that your very strict religious upbringing did a number on your psyche and emotional well being and YOU need to deal with this and address it and reconcile within yourself and let it all go. Otherwise it will just keep snowballing and mutating. This stuff that you feel toward your husband is just your mind being tricky and displacing blame and guilt toward a tangible target. It's not a good idea to keep living like this. You need to get help, talk to someone professional who can walk you out of this and it might not be easy either because a lot of this guilt is deeply ingrained through your upbringing and the beliefs and ideas you were raised to abide by even if you have moved away from them to some extent now, they really haven't left you as such on a deeper level. Please don't try to shove it under a rug as "silly". What you are feeling isn't silly, but can be self destructive if not dealt with.

@mayflower86, as someone whom was always afraid to get married and commitment in the past. After I got married, I started finding ways to sabotage my marriage and having weird feelings like you.

With that being said, I think in your case, because you never dated anyone else before, you don't have anything else to compare the relationship with. It's just your curious mind getting the best out of you.

I started feeling that way because of my commitment issues. I saw a therapist and worked out my underlying issues and it sure helped a great deal.

Have you considered seeing a counselor? Not really a marriage one but maybe one just for yourself at first? Based on what I read from your post, it's not your marriage that has problems. I think you just need to talk this thru with a counselor and sort out all your doubts.

Don't feel stupid for feeling that way. I think it's pretty common within the first few years of a marriage. When you date, there's all these fireworks and you actually feel excited and all the good stuff. (honeymoon phase) When you get married you are building a life together and it's for the good and bad, very hard to get that giddy excitement again. Everyone has that part of their mind that is curious and wish that they could have that spark again. Anyway you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

With some counselling, I think you will be fine. Good luck!

The problem is not your husband or premarital sex. So blaming him is not the answer. Was this a cult that his family defected from?

I was 25 when we got married, so it's not like I was completely young and naive. I do work and have a good job, and he supports me in this as does my family. They've moved away from that stricter lifestyle as well.

its not about who loves him- it's whether you love him. It doesn't matter what your friends and family think of him because they aren't the ones who have to live with him; you do. Also, God or whoever didn't force you to marry this person either.

You have to take some accountability here. You need to speak up and seek help if there's a problem. You went along with the marriage knowing that you are unhappy with this person. You DECIDED on your own terms, just as you agreed to have sex with him. You should of been honest with your husband; He deserved it even if it hurt.

You sound like a typical "grass is greener on the other side" person. The problem is with you. Go get some professional help; otherwise, this will happen for the rest of your life, and you'll miss out on true happiness.

An attractive woman, a moonlit night, a car and testosterone have made for many first time let downs.

Maybe you're trying to warp what's normal and natural around your past fears and mistakes?

There's no perfect anything!

Thanks for all the comments and advice. I guess I do need to somehow sort through *my issues, maybe meet with someone, like several of you have said. It's deeper than something that can be sorted out here in a forum for sure— I think I headed in here in desperation. It’s nice to get a little reassurance of reality and a push in the right direction. Thnks.