My Wife's Past

I'm not sure if im posting this in the right forum, but for some reason it feels like infidelity, like she's lying to me. Rationally i think it shouldnt bother me but sometimes when we talk about her explanation/answers dont make sense.

Before me and my wife met, she was cheated on by her ex (she was also cheated on by her ex before that)

After she found she said to herself that all guys were the same and she was tired of relationships and that she didnt want a boyfriend. So she would go out with her friends to bars and clubs and hook up with loser douchebags. Guys that she say's she knew she would or could never be serious with. She said for her this was all a distraction and she was being self destructive. She did this with 7 guys in a period of 8 months. Some just stayed as a one night stand while others she hooked up with a few times after.

She claims she would never have done this had she been rational and thinking sanely and that none of these guys were her type. Apparently they did nothing for her and she never saw them as long term potential.

So a few questions...

If they did nothing for her and she knew she wasnt going to be with them why did she continue to see some of them and continue to have sex with them?

She said towards the end of her being single she realized what she was doing was not healthy so she decided she wanted something more serious and put her profile on a dating site (where we met). Yet she still hooked up with a guy even after she said she realized what she was doing was bad.

And a week before we met she had posted on a friends wall that she thought the guy her friend met in Miami was hot and she couldnt wait to visit Miami herself.

When I look at her facebook page her and her friend would making passing inside jokes about these and eventhough they were inside jokes she was publicly posting them. She would make comments on how her like is a soap opera and refer too guys as food. Disturbing.

When we first met and she disclosed to me that she has ONS before we met, she almost defended it. Saying it's normal, lots of people do it, she's human and wanted human contact. Yet now (6 years later) she looks at it as a mistake and cant believe she did it. She used to claim that these guys were like friends and they were fun to be with at the time, now she claims they are douchebags and losers.

She also mentioned once at the beginning of our relationship how she only hooked up with the hottest guys at the club. This is a really weird thing to say I feel.

Out of all the times she hooked up with these guys she said she only put her mouth on a guys Penis once and never did it again. does that make sense?

In the beginning of our relationship she claimed how she couldnt wait until that part of her life was completely behind her. Yet she was facebook friends with one of these guys and had searched for another (this was in the beginning)

She claims she knew right away these guys were not long term partners. One of them she saw 5 or 6 times, stopped seeing him because she said she was fed up, yet when she saw him months later at a bar they started hooking up again. Another she said did nothing for her and she wasnt excited to see him yet she continued to see him a couple times.

She said she hooked up with the hottest guys at the club and they chose her and would call her back and this was good for her self esteem. How can she be so foolish to think that a guy who hooks up with you after meeting you at a club actually values you. How could she special about this, these guys just wanted sex.

I doubt if my wife was truly in love with me at the beginning of our relationship and if she was truly ready to be with me.

Ive seen how some of these guys look and they are not my style at all. Some of them are bulky, tall muscular, while others just look like a$$holes. Im good looking, but professional (business) and just under 6 feet. I just dont get it

How much of this makes sense and why the change in perspective and way of acting. I just feel like this doesnt add up.

How long have you been together?

Is this the girl you've been dating 6 mos? Either you accept her past or you don't.

She said for her this was all a distraction and she was being self destructive. She did this with 7 guys in a period of 8 months. Some just stayed as a one night stand while others she hooked up with a few times after.

How long have you been together?

Sorry.. I missed it - 6yrs.

Are you worried she'll do the same to you or that she doesn't have feelings for you? Or has she given you reason to not trust her?

How long have you been together?

6 years now

Sorry.. I missed it - 6yrs.

 

Are you worried she'll do the same to you or that she doesn't have feelings for you? Or has she given you reason to not trust her?

no to all. But i dont understand some of the inconsistencies of thinking at the beginning of our relationship and makes me question why she wanted to be with me.

Is this the girl you've been dating 6 mos? Either you accept her past or you don't...same girl you have been dating a few mos?... ]

 

The post you are referring to I copied from another forum I had posted on years ago. Sorry i should have included relevant time line on the thread you are referring too.

This sounds like more of your problem than hers.

You haven't done things in the past and then when you got older and wiser regretted them and even viewed them in a new light? I have that is for sure.

Why all this revisiting of the past? Did you think you were marrying a virgin? She has a sexual past before you just like you do.

Just for our clarity, just how many past sexual partners is acceptable to you? 5? 10? You see there is no way to change what has happened and agonizing and reliving it is not healthy. Why you want to spend so much emotional currency on this is beyond me.

If you cannot stand that she has a past then divorce her because continuing to ask about this stuff and punishing her for it will only lead you to the same result...Divorce.

Lost

If you've been married 6 yrs her past should not still be bothering you this much.

no to all. But i dont understand some of the inconsistencies of thinking at the beginning of our relationship and makes me question why she wanted to be with me.

Why is this coming up 6 years down the road and why are you suddenly so incredibly insecure about it? What else is going on in your marriage?

This sounds like more of your problem than hers.

 

You haven't done things in the past and then when you got older and wiser regretted them and even viewed them in a new light? I have that is for sure.

 

Why all this revisiting of the past? Did you think you were marrying a virgin? She has a sexual past before you just like you do.

 

Just for our clarity, just how many past sexual partners is acceptable to you? 5? 10? You see there is no way to change what has happened and agonizing and reliving it is not healthy. Why you want to spend so much emotional currency on this is beyond me.

 

If you cannot stand that she has a past then divorce her because continuing to ask about this stuff and punishing her for it will only lead you to the same result...Divorce.

 

Lost

I have concerns about her true feelings towards me at the beginning of our relationship. How is it possible to be in one lifestyle (random hook ups and partying) and then so quickly move to a committed relationship and this "In the beginning of our relationship she claimed how she couldnt wait until that part of her life was completely behind her. Yet she was facebook friends with one of these guys and had searched for another (this was in the beginning)"

This sounds like more of your problem than hers.

 

You haven't done things in the past and then when you got older and wiser regretted them and even viewed them in a new light? I have that is for sure.

 

Why all this revisiting of the past? Did you think you were marrying a virgin? She has a sexual past before you just like you do.

 

Just for our clarity, just how many past sexual partners is acceptable to you? 5? 10? You see there is no way to change what has happened and agonizing and reliving it is not healthy. Why you want to spend so much emotional currency on this is beyond me.

 

If you cannot stand that she has a past then divorce her because continuing to ask about this stuff and punishing her for it will only lead you to the same result...Divorce.

 

Lost

I agree!!!!

Good grief! It's been six years! Let it go!!!!!!!!!!

I also suggest that you get some counseling for your insecurities and obsessing.

Why is this coming up 6 years down the road and why are you suddenly so incredibly insecure about it? What else is going on in your marriage?

It has always bothered me.

Everyone has a past, what matters is that she is with you now. Why she did it? Could have been because of a lot of reasons or something she didn't want to tell you about or maybe there aren't any reasons at all, she acted out of impulse.

She didn't have to tell you all that about her, but she decided to be honest and did. 6 years is a lot of time for someone to change. I don't think you have anything to worry about unless you guys are having problems and she has done something to break your trust.

I agree!!!!

 

Good grief! It's been six years! Let it go!!!!!!!!!!

 

I also suggest that you get some counseling for your insecurities and obsessing.

as mentioned above: I have concerns about her true feelings towards me at the beginning of our relationship. How is it possible to be in one lifestyle (random hook ups and partying) and then so quickly move to a committed relationship and this "In the beginning of our relationship she claimed how she couldnt wait until that part of her life was completely behind her. Yet she was facebook friends with one of these guys and had searched for another (this was in the beginning)"

It has always bothered me.

I knew that was going to be the answer.

Why did you marry her then?

as mentioned above: I have concerns about her true feelings towards me at the beginning of our relationship. How is it possible to be in one lifestyle (random hook ups and partying) and then so quickly move to a committed relationship and this "In the beginning of our relationship she claimed how she couldnt wait until that part of her life was completely behind her. Yet she was facebook friends with one of these guys and had searched for another (this was in the beginning)"

You have been together six years. Let it go. This is obsessive.

She had one night stands because she wanted sex. Sex feels good. Her conflicting answers are because she is trying to appease you and not hurt your feelings. Her sex life before you is not really any of your business. You are on some moral high horse that you have no right to be.

You have been together six years. Let it go. This is obsessive.

What does it matter. .... she's still with you. You trust her so why are you mithering about it 6 years later? If she considered you just a hookup then she would have gone ages ago.

Or is there more to this? Be happy - life is too short. She loves you X

You have been together six years. Let it go. This is obsessive.

So I should accept that she may have been confused and not been completely genuine at the beginning of our relationship. I should accept that I'm the guy she settled for after she had her fun. Don't they say that women settle for different traits (looks and personality) when looking for a long term partner? What does that mean for me?

So say for arguments sake your worst fear is correct and her feelings weren't true at the beginning of the relationship...what then?

So I should accept that she may have been confused and not been completely genuine at the beginning of our relationship. I should accept that I'm the guy she settled for after she had her fun. Don't they say that women settle for different traits (looks and personality) when looking for a long term partner? What does that mean for me?

It means that she loves you, has been/stayed with you for 6 years and "you're the one" - not some random-one-night-stand hookup X

She had one night stands because she wanted sex. Sex feels good. Her conflicting answers are because she is trying to appease you and not hurt your feelings. Her sex life before you is not really any of your business. You are on some moral high horse that you have no right to be.

what moral high horse? These are my opinions. When she told me awhile ago that when she looks back on it how dumb it was, she actually cried saying that she couldnt believe she did that, she said that as she matured she realized how destructive she was being. She didnt seem like she was appeasing me. SO what you are saying is that she lied to me?

Don't they say that women settle for different traits when looking for a long term partner? What does that mean for me?

]

So say for arguments sake your worst fear is correct and her feelings weren't true at the beginning of the relationship...what then?

then our relationship was founded on a lie and im the "Serious guy" she chose after she had her fun.