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Confused and stuck. Really like her!!


TedB1985

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About 2 1/2 months ago, I started hanging out with/dating a girl I met online. I'm a 31-year-old man and she's a 24-year-old woman just to understand our ages. When we first started messaging each other online, we were both mutually very attracted to each other physically. We finally met up for a couple drinks at a local bar/restaurant near me at the beginning of August, hit it off and have been seeing each other now almost every weekend for the last 10 weeks. Some times even during the week on and off. We are very comfortable being together and things felt really good/natural. Fast forward 10 weeks to this past week/weekend. We spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday night together, she stayed over at my place, as she usually did on the weekends. Come Sunday morning, she left and I didn't hear much at all for the entire day/evening. That day I had plans to go out east for some pumpkin picking/wine tasting with my family. I asked if she would like to join, but once she realized it was along with my parents she said she didn't know how she felt about that. I called her briefly Sunday night when I returned home from the family outing, everything seemed OK. When she mentioned she had to call me back because her phone was about to die, I never received a call back. Come Monday morning I texted her around 10 AM because I never heard from her still. Didn't get a text back for hours, once again not much communication Monday. Later Monday afternoon, she tells me she had just not been in a talking mood and had not been feeling well. Later that evening she finally tells me after me asking what's the problem, if there was one, that she's just not sure if this is what she wants anymore and doesn't want to jump into anything so quickly. She proceeded to say she also just needs time to think. So I had asked her if she would like me to leave her alone, her only response once again was she just needs time to think. Very open-ended and vague. I said OK, so we did not speak/text at all Tuesday, and now today still nothing. The kicker to this whole story is that when we had originally started talking, nowhere on her profile was a mention that she had recently had a daughter. Even after finding out she did though, that did not bother me whatsoever. Supposedly the man she was with was cheating on her and has a bad alcohol/drug problem, so they separated. They are also married and she is currently going through divorce proceedings. I didn't expect to be feeling as much as an emotional attachment as I do so I just feel hurt, confused and just wanting closure if that's where it's headed. Please help.

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Unfortunately it sounds like too much too soon and she's applying the brakes. There are quite a few red flags here including a surprise child and still married.

 

It would be best to end it since she is not ready to date and you could get hurt pursuing this. Keep reminding yourself that he is not an "ex".

seeing each other now almost every weekend for the last 10 weeks. she stayed over at my place, as she usually did on the weekends. once she realized it was along with my parents she said she didn't know how she felt about that.

 

not sure if this is what she wants anymore and doesn't want to jump into anything so quickly. They are also married and she is currently going through divorce proceedings.

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A few things here.

 

She is still married and not finished getting the divorce.

She didn't tell you about her child.

She is just getting out of a bad relationship and hasn't had a chance to get her life straightened out and make it what she wants.

 

Call it bad timing or rebound but no matter what you call it she isn't in a good place to be in a solid relationship.

 

She may have met someone else as well. Is her profile still up? Was there any talk of exclusivity?

 

Lost

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You basically hit the nail on the head with everything you said. And everything you said, trust me I've thought about each many times over. I guess by me starting to catch feelings for her, I've tried to look past all of that but ultimately everything you said is correct. And potential problems for any kind of successful and happy relationship. And I have also thought about the fact maybe she is seeing someone else. She maintains she's not. And her profile is still up but so is mine. Because we never made anything official neither of us took them down. So I can't exactly get at her for that. But I have not pursued or slept with another person since starting to sleep with her. Exclusivity? No. not exactly. She had actually brought it up one time about 4 to 5 weeks into us seeing each other. She was wondering if we would ever be more than just hooking up/dating. But I did ask if she is seeing/sleeping with anyone else and she, once again, maintained the answer "no".

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Another part about this though that really bugs me is that she can't just give me a direct answer when I ask things like "would you like me to leave you alone?" Or "if you don't want this, what else is there to think about?" She responds with things like "I just need some time to think". And most recently responded "I don't know, I still need a little more time to think.", when I asked "if you don't want this, what else is there to think about?" Why keep someone on the hook when she knows ultimately how she feels and doesn't want anything further. Why not just be straight up and straightforward and say, "you are right I think we should go separate ways" or something along those lines. She can never say it.

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Unfortunately she's stringing you along while she sorts things out with her husband or dates other guys. Sorry, she's a mess and you'll have to pull the plug, not leave it to her nebulous responses..

she can't just give me a direct answer. She responds with things like "I just need some time to think".
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She can't answer you directly because she honestly doesn't know what she wants right now.

 

She asked about being exclusive and I didn't read where you said you wanted that so she probably took that as a NO so she may have started seeking someone else out.

 

Give it a week and then call her and talk. NO TEXTING!!! Keep the convo light and ask her to dinner so you two can talk. If she agrees then you have a chance to lay your cards on the table and see what she says. Other than that you have really no other options other than walking away and moving on.

 

Lost

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Lostandhurt,

 

It's true she might not know what she wants right now. But when she did bring that up, I did speak to her maturely about the fact how she is still technically married but I would like to continue to see her and yes that maybe one day I would like to be something more than just dating/hooking up. So I never told her no. I guess if she took that as a no, so be it but it was only about a month or so into us dating and we were still newly getting to know each other. As soon as I mentioned how I started feeling/wondering the same things she did about us being more, it's almost as if she got spooked because that was this past weekend. And communication has been minimal to none since. I took the bull by the horn's and ended it. I'm too good of a guy and can offer too much of a good thing to someone who actually wants it and someone who actually wants to treat me with mutual respect and care. I appreciate your insight but I feel that my approach was the most appropriate.

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Good for you. Take the high road though, she is going through a tough time in her life and probably shouldn't be dating at all. It is lonely and a sad time going through a divorce and she really enjoyed being with you I am sure but you are right, you don't need to wait for someone to get their life right when you can meet someone that is ready right now.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

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You're absolutely right, I don't. Because the truth is I really started to feel more than just a "like" for her but she does have way more to fix about/within herself before she concentrates on a partner in a relationship. I am absolutely taking the highroad and I wished nothing but the best for her and her daughter because I truly do wish that for her. She is a beautiful girl who has a beautiful daughter and they both deserve the best. I just tend to be the type of guy who is the "saver" and wants to always help/fix and save people from things, especially people I care about/love. And a lot of the times it's way beyond my help/advice or control.

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Supposedly the man she was with was cheating on her and has a bad alcohol/drug problem, so they separated. They are also married and she is currently going through divorce proceedings. I didn't expect to be feeling as much as an emotional attachment as I do so I just feel hurt, confused and just wanting closure if that's where it's headed. Please help.

 

"Going through a divorce" is still married. Don't date married women. They aren't emotionally available.

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Another part about this though that really bugs me is that she can't just give me a direct answer when I ask things like "would you like me to leave you alone?" Or "if you don't want this, what else is there to think about?" She responds with things like "I just need some time to think". And most recently responded "I don't know, I still need a little more time to think.", when I asked "if you don't want this, what else is there to think about?" Why keep someone on the hook when she knows ultimately how she feels and doesn't want anything further. Why not just be straight up and straightforward and say, "you are right I think we should go separate ways" or something along those lines. She can never say it.

 

I'm sorry, but you haven't used any common sense in this situation. And then you are upset that it's not working out as you want it.

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"Why not just be straight up and straightforward "

 

That is what she should have been on day one all those months ago. Make it clear she was still married, going through a divorce and all the rest.

 

Always, but always, Ted, dig for information at the outset.

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I did speak to her maturely about the fact how she is still technically married but I would like to continue to see her and yes that maybe one day I would like to be something more than just dating/hooking up.

 

No offense, but this is where you literally hung yourself. On the other hand, I'm guessing you were only fooling yourself into thinking that something could come from this, while knowing she was married.

 

Lesson learned...

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To all the women who have recently responded/replied, you are all also exactly right. I set myself up for disappointment from the very start. She was never upfront or forthcoming from the beginning. And I knew what I was doing all along was a mistake. There was never any hope for a future but unfortunately I bought into a lot of things and didn't use my head and common sense.

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Ted,

 

Who knows what might happen in the future once her divorce is over. If you do ever run into her again you know the questions you need to ask right?

 

Are you single?

How has your life been going?

How is sharing custody going?

 

These 3 questions will tell you a lot if you can see past her beauty and look and listen.

 

Lost

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Yes those are definitely very important questions to ask. She doesn't live close to me so the chances of us running into each other are slim to none after this point. But if that ever does happen, I will be way more prepared and I will approach the situation with a way clearer mentality. If I'm even available at that point. But I do appreciate your positivity and your honesty To Lost, and to everyone else who has taken the time to give me a reality check today. It is much appreciated. More than you know.

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Ted,

 

Who knows what might happen in the future once her divorce is over. If you do ever run into her again you know the questions you need to ask right?

 

Are you single?

How has your life been going?

How is sharing custody going?

 

These 3 questions will tell you a lot if you can see past her beauty and look and listen.

 

Lost

 

Lol, Are you single?

 

So sad that you have to ask. But so true.

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Definitely is sad Ms Darcy. But unfortunately true. It can be a sad world we live in, in general. And people lie and people mislead and people deceive all the time. But as much as she was not forthcoming and upfront at all from the beginning, I'm still taking equal responsibility for being as much in denial as I was in regards to her situation and still choosing to continue anything with her. The first date with her should've been a last date. Bottom line.

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Yes those are definitely very important questions to ask. She doesn't live close to me so the chances of us running into each other are slim to none after this point. But if that ever does happen, I will be way more prepared and I will approach the situation with a way clearer mentality. If I'm even available at that point. But I do appreciate your positivity and your honesty To Lost, and to everyone else who has taken the time to give me a reality check today. It is much appreciated. More than you know.

 

Ted, that sounds good, but what does that really mean? You just went through a whirlwind romantic dating situation. You're now dealing with an "ex", "child", and an "untold marriage". Sort of the "Bermuda Triangle" in dating. These issues aren't going away anytime soon. What will you do if she pops back into your life, saying that her head is now clear?

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I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "Bermuda triangle" in dating. But the "untold marriage" and "child" I absolutely understand and out of those two it was the "untold marriage" that was more of the issue considering it took longer to discover and for her to be upfront with me that she was still married. At first she would consistently refer to him as her "ex", because I'm assuming that's what she really wanted to believe/for him to be? When in reality she is still someone's "wife" and she still has a "husband". The daughter I knew about almost right away and was OK with. Yes, there was no mention of her daughter on her profile and she should've absolutely been more upfront from the start(on her profile, etc..). But once again, for me, dating someone with a child was not the main issue. And in terms of an "ex", I'm assuming you are referring to what will be her ex-husband eventually?

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SoulTaker,

 

You are right, these "issues" are not going away anytime soon. Her daughter is never/would never be an "issue" to me though as I was already OK with/prepared to date someone with a child in general. But I was upfront about that from the start and on my profile. Her NOT being upfront about her "marriage" initially and her eventually having an "ex husband" are more of the issues at this point. And the one that will physically linger obviously, at least for a while until things are figured out through the courts, will be the ex-husband. Not knowing how custody will go, how child support will be figured out etc... who knows how long he'll be around and how much. Given he chooses to do the right thing by her and their daughter or not. He sounds like a scumbag as is. So to be totally honest with you I have not even thought that far ahead about what I would do/say or how I would feel if she ever popped back into my life claiming her head is now clear. I was not even thinking clearly, rationally and realistically from the start by even continuing to see her after the first date or so. When these issues were discovered.

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