Long distance ex, in contact for last 6 years... why?

My ex and i have been in contact with each other for the last 6 years. We live on two different continents. Our first falling out, was because we were younger, and two different people. We had a great time, but it would always fall apart. He's a more withdrawn person, who isolates during difficult times - instead of communicating... a loner, drifter type... and also very non-commital. and I'm the type who lashes out, highly emotional, and more confrontational about everything. After we ended things (6 years ago) he just isolated, stopped talking to me, and withdrew completely..... we had such a great time together, and then he just totally cut me off. I was just totally devastated.

Months Later, after much confrontation on my end...he tells me that happened because he fell into a depression, etc. and also he was then leaving to go to his home country.....so we didn't get a chance to rekindle anything due to physical distance.

So we've spent the last *6 years* talking to eachother, off and on again.... he comes on very strong, telling me how amazing I am and all this stuff, I get hooked on it, then he ends up withdrawing again. ( he probably gets overwhelmed by me as I can be clingy and highly emotional,, haha) we try to setup to vacation together, or he comes to visit my town... and As things get closer to actually happening... I start to *really* freak out, (panic attacks and everything)and scared that he will just abandon me again. And things fall apart..(mostly because of me) the fear of getting hurt again, just breaks me down.

We've repeated this cycle atleast 5-6 times. And here we are again, I feel I'm ready to actually go forward in seeing him, as I've accepted things may not go the way I want them to go with us. he's asked me to go to vacation with him.......... he's been straightforward with me, telling me he doesn't think we'll be together As a family.... which I took acceptance for, but then it leaves me with more questions....

What is he getting from this? Its been six years? A vacation buddy? Sex? A friend? Is he bored? Lonely? Does he love me? Does he have feelings for me? He says his primary motive is fix things from the past, to "do better".. but then he tells me there won't be a future... so I just get lost. I just think six years is such a lonnnnnnng time, for there to be nothing beneath the surface.

Sometimes the conversation gets very sexual, as we did have a very strong sexual connection, but I did take that off the table recently.... to see if there was anything there without it,.. and we are still somewhat talking.... he says he's not abandoning me.... so... why are we still doing this if we are both so unsure about each other?

I know what iM getting out of it, a person who is Always there, who i do love, and care for deeply, but we haven't seen each other for 6 years! ....I am also 27.. I need to really start thinking about my future, and hAving children, and a husband who won't disappear on me... ha... all of this which I have told him. He's a non-commital type for sure, would be terrified if I had children with him because I don't think he'd bethere... due to his drifter nature... yet still I love him. it's like is there something here? Deeper? There is so much In him that i hAvnt found in others, he is the most patient man.... I am a really emotionally ALL over the place kind of person. (Working on it) and so far, in that arena he's been the most compatible for me....

I don't want to cut him off, because I don't feel the need to do so. He brings good things into my life, even from a distance. But I do get depressed not knowing where this is going, if it is even going, and what I mean to him... what will happen after we finally do see each other again.. will he just disappear?

It would be great to be friends! But there is love here.... on my end... it's just weird... even if he didn't feel the same for me, I would still love him. Even if he found happiness with another woman, I would still love him. It's like I don't expect him, or feel the need to have those feelings reciprocated... it's just the feeling I feel. It would be great for us to be on the same page and fall happily in love, but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. My feelings for him, Are not dependent on how he feels for me....... I think I just genuinely love the man! But I doubt he feels the same for me...

Yet we keep this going, I have asked him all of these questions, told him how I felt, but I don't really get many concrete answers...

What does anyone make of this situation? Can anyone help?

Any of combination of these are a possibility because he is very straight up about not wanting a relationship or future, etc.

So just enjoy the vacation on whatever level you feel is best for you.

Just curious...why you never dated locally and carried this on for so long?

he's asked me to go to vacation with him.......... he's been straightforward with me, telling me he doesn't think we'll be together As a family....What is he getting from this? A vacation buddy? Sex? A friend? Is he bored? Lonely?

This is all you need to know: he's been straightforward with me, telling me he doesn't think we'll be together As a family....

This guy is a complete waste of time. He told you that there is no future, and you should listen.

He enjoys the attention, and maybe the occasional meet up, but no more.

Block this guy and find someone you can have a relationship with. This is not a healthy situation.

******* repost below

Any of combination of these are a possibility because he is very straight up about not wanting a relationship or future, etc.

 

So just enjoy the vacation on whatever level you feel is best for you.

 

Just curious...why you never dated locally and carried this on for so long?

We did date locally, off and on again for about a year and a half, when he was living locally.. he was actually my first, we went to school togetherr,but then he relocated outside of the USA.... and this has continued ever since.

It's like I don't want to go on vacation, because I will be devastated when it's time to leave. It happened before, and why things fell apart the first time. I'm in love with him if I go on vacation.......... I'm sure he will try to be sexual with me, and I don'think I could handle the feelings of attachement rhat would come with that. I have pretty much ruled out casual sex out of my life completely. So it's like I don't want to go, and disappoint him. It's pretty clear being platonic friends, might not work out for him...( what guy does this ever work with seriously? ) if we could actually be platonic friends I would love it! I do want to see him........ but I can't give him everything........

You cannot be friends with someone if you have feelings.

You know that there is no future and he brings out terrible anxiety in you. I think you stick with this because it's safe - meaning, there is NO FUTURE and you don't have to risk your heart.

You really need to honest with yourself. I would suggest therapy to deal with your trust issues, and tools to move on from this guy.

I see, agreeing with you. I know it's not healthy.... but I just want to understand why he's sticking with it as well. It's been the both of us.

I think I just want to believe he does love me, as I can't logically understand why he would keep this up as well... does this make sense? that's the part I'm struggling with... I talk to him because I love him, he talks to me.... because..... _____ ?

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I'm going crazy.,, but I can't be that crazy, because I'm asking questions at least..and trying to get to the bottom of it. He's an equal part in it all.

Everything I have asked here, I have asked him this morning. He has viewed my message, but no response.

He likes the attention. That's it. it good for his ego and it's entertaining.

Instead of focusing on him, you should focus on what you get out of this.

If he loved you, he would want a future with you. He does not love you. He does not even give you the courtesy of responding to your text.

Please seek some therapy.

He likes the attention. That's it. it good for his ego and it's entertaining.

 

Instead of focusing on him, you should focus on what you get out of this.

 

If he loved you, he would want a future with you. He does not love you.

 

Please seek some therapy.

Harsh, but probably everything I need to hear right now.

I am definitely in a dark place in my personal life, and in a pretty depressed state. And this situation sn't helping, just adding to it.

I've shared so much with him, he knows everything, every dark thing about my life, it's kinda scary and embarrassing now.

I probably do need some real therapy.

Please do.

You need to cut this guy off. Permanently.

Why haven't you moved on and dated local men in years since he left?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are stuck in the past hoping for a future but all he can offer and ever has offered is in-the-moment limbo.

We did date locally, off and on again for about a year and a half, when he was living locally.. he was actually my first

he is sticking with it because noone else would allow him to use 6 years of her emotional investment to fuel his need for a semblance of a relationship without a commitment. he is sticking with it because it enables him to remain non-commital.

he has suggested the vaca to get sex back on the table and because he sensed you are close to deciding you're done with this and actually considering building a proper life for yourself. that means he wouldv've lost this awesome arrangement that allows him to remain non-commital while still having someone who cares for him strongly. it's truly a rare thing to come about, the chance to do this to someone for 6 years. he doesn't want to lose it.

Why haven't you moved on and dated local men in years since he left?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you are stuck in the past hoping for a future but all he can offer and ever has offered is in-the-moment limbo.

refer to history.

Why haven't you moved on and dated local men in years since he left?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you are stuck in the past hoping for a future but all he can offer and ever has offered is in-the-moment limbo.

No i have, I've dated lots of guys in these years. Been in other relationships, (where communication between us stopped) but through it all he's always been there. I don't treat this situation as a relationship.... it's just we have been in contact with each other *this*long.

Yes. but you say you love this guy. That's a big problem.

he is sticking with it because noone else would allow him to use 6 years of her emotional investment to fuel his need for a semblance of a relationship without a commitment. he is sticking with it because it enables him to remain non-commital.

 

he has suggested the vaca to get sex back on the table and because he sensed you are close to deciding you're done with this and actually considering building a proper life for yourself. that means he wouldv've lost this awesome arrangement that allows him to remain non-commital while still having someone who cares for him strongly. it's truly a rare thing to come about, the chance to do this to someone for 6 years. he doesn't want to lose it.

Lol that's actually funny and sad. He knows how much I care, and love him. He has told me he knows. Yet "we won't be together as a family"... I actually am terrified to have a family with him knowing how non commital he is, but the feelings are still there. I do not take the fact he says we won't have a "future" personally because I don't think he will have one with anyone..... at least not for a long time. He's never been a real long term relationship (he's 33 now) I think it's just in his nature, he really is a non-commital type in every aspect of his life. He's always living somewhere new.... every year..etc... it's just the person he is.

Hollyj says I have to cut him off, but alreast I will give him the chance to answer my question..... maybe he can say this himself?

Yes. but you say you love this guy. That's a big problem.

I do unfortunately. It's just that I accept there's no future, we won't have a family, but I still love him.

Deep down inside i kind of want those things from him, but I know the person he is... and it more than likely won't happen for me, or with anyone else.... so, it's just that I'm at this place of acceptance for the man he is, what he can and cannot offer, and yes i do love him. But I am smart enough to know I couldn't marry him, or have kids with him, but I still love him? It's just bizarre.

We are probably both enabling each other to be non-commital... though I do want the real thing, but it's like we are both doing this.... my initial thoughts are because of love? But he really is always there, when I need him.........

Hopefully he will respond with some answers on his point of view.

I don't want to paint him as some evil bad vampire of a guy, were both responsible

OP, he has told you, but you refuse to listen. He said that there is no future. His actions also show you.

You are delaying the inevitable. It's time to deal with your commitment and trust issues. I think this is why you hang on to this guy, as it is easier than dealing with with your own insecurities and patterns.

he is sticking with it because noone else would allow him to use 6 years of her emotional investment to fuel his need for a semblance of a relationship without a commitment. he is sticking with it because it enables him to remain non-commital.

 

he has suggested the vaca to get sex back on the table and because he sensed you are close to deciding you're done with this and actually considering building a proper life for yourself. that means he wouldv've lost this awesome arrangement that allows him to remain non-commital while still having someone who cares for him strongly. it's truly a rare thing to come about, the chance to do this to someone for 6 years. he doesn't want to lose it.

I'm such a loser

nope, you're not a loser! you just need to recognize the part you're invited to play, and you're right, i's not personal. any chick in your position would also not get his commitment. it's who he is. but you rely on him for some kind of need to be met, and you believe noone else would meet it quite so well. i believe that isn't true. i also believe he leaves you high and dry on some many other needs that it's a waste of time. but i speculate you have phases when you find yourself without a support system, and that's when he makes himself available, because there's something in it for him (the all benefits no responsibility type pseudo-relationship).

so during these six years he's been there for you- through what?

parent issues?

partner issues?

break-ups?

how did that look in practice, you'd text him, he'd text you with a heyyyy 'sup...?

so during these six years he's been there for you- through what?

 

parent issues?

partner issues?

break-ups?

 

how did that look in practice, you'd text him, he'd text you with a heyyyy 'sup...?

He'd be a little more kinder, and supportive actually... right now I'm going through the worst, and I'd say out of all the friends I have now... he's been

The most understanding...

Don't think he's ever used the words sup.

He actually did help me out with my last breakup that ended pretty traumatically, I opened up to him about it, and he's been very supportive about it. he knows things about me my own immediate family, and most close friends don't know...

Then you can move on and find real-life relationships locally and stop fantasizing and wasting years of your life analyzing him?

I don't treat this situation as a relationship.... it's just we have been in contact with each other *this*long.

Then you can move on and find real-life relationships locally and stop fantasizing and wasting years of your life analyzing him?

Isn't he just as guilty?

Who cares about him. Focus on your own issues.

i'm not telling you to cut him off because i'm hearing that you'll find yourself with noone to place an emotional investment into. i would however look for a trained transitional person. people factually can't just sail through hard times on their own while also feeling well. the need for support and mutual trust and shared self-disclosure is a normal and healthy one. but it hurts if one can only have it met if they feel like they've bartered their need for stability and a shared future for it.

this arrangement feeds on your fear that you'll find yourself in hard times without a strong other to rely on.