Well it's been some time now

Coming here to vent I suppose. I dunno. I'm just really struggling with things

This whole finding myself stuff after apparently "losing myself" (alot in life happened aside just my breakup), and I've come to find I have kind of picked up some traits of this person that are very problematic.

I had anxiety and depression in check for 3 years, and now my anxiety is at an all time high. My depression is pairing well with my meds, but aside that.... Anxiety is pretty brutal.

I find myself stuck in this mental loop of trying to figure out why something so stupid as a batch of cookies can make someone go from something so nice to some so fowl. And to think of all the accusations I've had thrown at me since the split proving themselves to be flat out projection from my ex.

It really sucks for me to have this sense of longing for a person who is very clearly toxic and insecure. But it leads to this stupid internal conflict where I have feelings for a person who has them as well, but has their ego above being humble.

It all adds up that she was very controlling, manipulative, and full of unhealthy boundaries in advent of insecurity.

It's just for me now, I heal in a isolated state. I don't really do rebounds or anything of that sort. I let my emotions sort themselves out to an extent, but with this one...... Holy hell is it confusing. Just how abrupt the change was is making it very hard to accept. I've observed subtleties in my retrospective thoughts that come about making me realize that she is far more toxic than I once imagined. But to see someone I care for and provided for running to people whe does, all in front of my face and acting as she does towards me is brutal.

It still makes no sense why I am seen as I am by her, or why she is acting as she is towards me. I understand it's not for me to make sense of, but to accept something so confusing frustrates my logical brain.

I've been focusing on myself and all that normal stuff you're supposed to do. But she just seems to like making it harder any chance she can find. And then I'll catch myself slipping up.....

Went to a concert the other week. Prior to, asked her if she wanted to talk before it so we can make it a less tense situation (i know she only went because of my favorite band, she disliked every single band on the bill)

She declines the offer to speak after asking to not do it outside of the show...... So I figure "okay, I'll give her her space then"

Go to the show, I'm having a great time. I assume she observes this because she starts her whole floating around me, staring at me, and walking past me crap that confuses me. I go to leave after my favorite band played, and see that she put all of the gifts I bought her on my car, and her gone with the dude she came with. (this guy was the guy she was hanging with the day I got upset and asked to break up and allow me to evaluate my emotions before getting back into things) as well..... It's been 3 months since the split. So for her to pull that was clearly deliberate.....

I take them back to her house, drop them off and leave. Send her an e-mail (only way of contact since she is playing victim on some crazy level stuff), and let her know that I understand she was spiting me with that action. She says "You were ignoring me"

............. This mixed signal and contradiction, mind playing, double standards..... All of this crap gets to me so damn bad and it's not even funny.

I had a slip up when I went to a concert the next week, and then she came with a different guy........ And pulls her ignoring me crap again (making it known she knows i'm there, but objectively keeping just enough distance to be dumb with it)

I put a box she gave me with all the things she loved about me on her car.... And approach her stupidly saying "Please, stop projecting" and leave because my emotions were getting out of hand and I knew that was a bad idea....

I dunno. This crap is so infuriating... Having feelings for someone who does as she does is the stupidest thing ever and upsets me far too much for my own good.

I know I'm healing still, but my patience is wearing so thin with it. And I really don't want to have to stop doing things I enjoy. But they aren't as enjoyable when I get stuck observing such things.........

Stop with the running and ditching items back and forth.

It's childish and keeps you from healing.

You need to detach and you do that by having zero interaction with her.

Do not respond to the things she does. It looks like a game of `tag, you're it'

Avoid places she frequents in the meantime.

Sorry to be blunt. . .

It's normal to miss being in a relationship...the concept of a relationship, even if the one with this girl was toxic. It sounds like you are processing things and there is a bit of aftershock?

Try to avoid her if she is still up to those kind of mind games. Don't react and more importantly don't respond/take the bait. Go no contact and block her.

I've observed subtleties in my retrospective thoughts that come about making me realize that she is far more toxic than I once imagined. see that she put all of the gifts I bought her on my car, and her gone with the dude she came with. I take them back to her house, drop them off and leave.

yeah it's the same girl.......

There has been no contact but she has very much still had a means of having a home in my head.

It's just frustrating for me still. But I'm getting there.

With the gifts, I gave them back and said what I said. She went with this contradictory crap and back to her games. So i told her flat out that the needs to stop since it's not good for my emotional well being. Then of course she made more accusations and "emotional abuse"

It's just so stupid. I'll never understand people like this. So many statements i think about that make her true personality come out and I just didn't process it at the time.

There is definitely an aftershock........ She painted a very pretty picture of herself, on top of having alot of things I hoped to find in a woman. But none of it makes up for what has been deemed by many as toxic/narcissistic/sociopathic and many other terms i try not to use.

But either way. All in due time I suppose. Just sucks being a musician and concert goer..... Makes avoiding someone such as herself a bit of a struggle. Since in spite her games, she can't deny what is obvious. Since no one does if they don't care. But at this point I have no intention of taking any more action than I already have.

Blocking happened a while ago. It was part of her motive. She made the mistake of telling people her intention for the past 3 months to friends of mine whom she thought she could trust.

It's all dumb. She's a fowl human being when she doesn't get things her way. All stupid. Whatever

Good you got rid of this crazy bird!

She's a fowl human being when she doesn't get things her way

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lol foul* pardon my phone's autocorrect