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Atheists and Holidays


MoonRise

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Hello everyone! I'm facing a bit of an issue and I would really like to know if anyone has gone through something similar and has any advice.

 

First, some general information. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 5 months now. He's an atheist, and I'm a Wiccan (an odd combination, I know). He has his own apartment, and I spend a lot of time there. We were very good friends for about 3 years before we started dating, so we knew each other pretty well already. We both go to college and work. We really plan on being together for the long haul, but I'm sure every relationship starts out like that. Ok, I think that's all the important background information, but feel free to request more.

 

Now, I know it's way too early to be thinking about the holidays. But the topic came up between me and my boyfriend because I started looking around for Christmas presents the other day for my sisters. (While I'm a Wiccan and I celebrate Yule, the rest of my family is Christian and I have no issue combining the holidays. We all respect each others beliefs, and honestly I don't celebrate Yule much differently than my family celebrates Christmas.) Anyway, I mentioned to him that I already had a gift picked out for him. (It's an entertainment center, because right now his TV and game systems are on top of a coffee table, which we would both like to use for its intended purpose in the living room haha). But when I told him I had already picked out what I was going to get him, he said that he did not want me to buy him anything because he never exchanges presents on Christmas. Doesn't give them, doesn't like getting them.

 

I don't know how to feel about this. We had this conversation yesterday and I'm still just kind of mulling it over. I mean, logically, I should just accept this and say "Ok, if that's how you feel, we won't do anything for the holidays." But that's just a huge downer! I absolutely love the Yule season, I love baking, and giving presents to people, the music, the decorations, and all of that. And he doesn't want anything to do with it.

 

Am I being childish? Does anyone have any suggestions for a possible middle ground? I'm just sort of stumped here. When we got together, I understood that he wouldn't be into my religious elements. And that's perfectly fine, I won't ask him to change or anything like that. And I don't even care if he doesn't get me anything for the holidays, but am I being a hypocrite by insisting on getting him something anyway?

 

I just don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before. And please, I know that a lot of people think that an atheist and a religious person have no business being together, but that's not really an issue between us. We can make that work. I just feel like I'm coming off as really childish and immature, but I'm trying not to. Thanks for the help.

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Do what makes you happy. And let him be his own way. If you don't expect a gift what's the conflict? You can spend the holidays with your family. Is this about gifts/materialism or religion? Many religious people do not want to go overboard with material gifts either.

he said that he did not want me to buy him anything because he never exchanges presents on Christmas. Doesn't give them, doesn't like getting them. I don't even care if he doesn't get me anything for the holidays, but am I being a hypocrite by insisting on getting him something anyway?
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It has little to do with him being an atheist and just had to do with him as a person. I'm atheist and I like holidays because I get to cook/bake, watch holiday programs, see my family, drink wine and eat brie, etc. By all means, enjoy that. But respect his wishes too. Don't get him a gift and don't expect one and just go to your family on the holidays and enjoy the festivities and come back when they are done. He won't have to do anything he doesn't like and you will still get your holiday fix.

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I'm an atheist but I still celebrate Christmas if my family is around (I was raised Catholic, and Christmas is like my mom's favorite holiday). Nothing about the way my family celebrates Christmas is religious, it's very secularized. We'd decorate a tree, put a star on top instead of an angel, and casually exchange gifts on the morning of. My sister would come over with her husband and step-kids and we'd all proceed to get drunk and eat dinner and dessert. It was fun. I celebrate purely for the familial closeness.

 

I now live on the other side of the country from my entire family, so I don't actually celebrate Christmas anymore since I am alone, and traveling during the holidays is pretty expensive. I still buy my family gifts though and send them, usually via Amazon, and vice versa.

 

Anyways, what I'm saying is that even though I'm atheist, I still sort of celebrate Christmas for familial closeness. If your boyfriend is that weird about it (as a long-time atheist I'm pretty comfortable and set in my thought so a holiday like Christmas isn't threatening or uncomfortable to me) then I suggest spending the bulk of your holiday time with your family instead and he can sit alone in his house getting no presents and having no fun lol.

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I can take or leave Christmas tbh. I just love to have the time to spend time with family, cook, pig out, drink and generally relax, have fun and spend precious time with those I love. Has your BF said why he doesn't like Christmas? For a lot of people it is a cr@p time of year, harbouring sad memories and intense feelings of loneliness. Maybe you could come with some alternative Christmas.... One day with your family and another with him, doing something totally disassociated with Crimbo. .. A nice long walk in the country followed by a meal out or a DVD at home and a bottle of wine. Some "you" time. There's also a lot of expectation at Christmas for people to be happy and jolly. It's just not like that for some.

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For many many people it's not at all about religion, but the spirit of giving, tradition, family and friends and remembering to be grateful for what you have as well as generous to others.

 

My ex was a flaming atheist, but that never stopped him from celebrating the holiday spirit. Not in the religious sense but in the tradition sense. He was also always very generous with everyone in his life.

 

In my friend group, we are about as diverse as it can get, yet every single year we get together, have a party, exchange gifts. Again, it's not about religion or anything expensive, quite the opposite budget is $10 max, it's about the gesture, it's about remembering to appreciate having each other in our lives.

 

I don't think it has much to do with religion with your bf, rather than that's his character flaw and either you can accept it and leave him be and don't bother with gifts or festivities with him in particular or you are discovering an incompatibility and a difference in values that might be a problem for you in the long run.

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The reason he doesn't want to exchange gifts is because he thinks it's a waste of money. When he was younger he and his friends agreed that it was dumb to spend 50 dollars on something that the receiver might not even like. So why wouldn't you just buy yourself something and insist the other person do the same.

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The reason he doesn't want to exchange gifts is because he thinks it's a waste of money. When he was younger he and his friends agreed that it was dumb to spend 50 dollars on something that the receiver might not even like. So why wouldn't you just buy yourself something and insist the other person do the same.

 

Then this is not about religion but" stinginess."

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So enjoy the festivities and other things and relax about the gifts. Give each other the gift of no shopping.

 

For me, the all-time low point was reading about shoppers trampling someone to death to buy stuff on sale for the holidays.

 

What about non-material gifts?

The reason he doesn't want to exchange gifts is because he thinks it's a waste of money.
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The reason he doesn't want to exchange gifts is because he thinks it's a waste of money. When he was younger he and his friends agreed that it was dumb to spend 50 dollars on something that the receiver might not even like. So why wouldn't you just buy yourself something and insist the other person do the same.

 

Because you can buy yourself something at any time of year! Something that you see that you want rather than wasting money for the sake of it.

 

I don't think it's anything do with him being atheist as a few have already mentioned because let's face it, Xmas is nothing to do with religion anymore and personally I find the whole thing a massive chore and hypocritical.

 

I don't see why he can't help you with baking/decorating biscuits etc. I mean what kind of person wouldn't enjoy playfully dusting their lovers nose with icing sugar?

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Hello everyone! I'm facing a bit of an issue and I would really like to know if anyone has gone through something similar and has any advice.

 

First, some general information. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 5 months now. He's an atheist, and I'm a Wiccan (an odd combination, I know). He has his own apartment, and I spend a lot of time there. We were very good friends for about 3 years before we started dating, so we knew each other pretty well already. We both go to college and work. We really plan on being together for the long haul, but I'm sure every relationship starts out like that. Ok, I think that's all the important background information, but feel free to request more.

 

Now, I know it's way too early to be thinking about the holidays. But the topic came up between me and my boyfriend because I started looking around for Christmas presents the other day for my sisters. (While I'm a Wiccan and I celebrate Yule, the rest of my family is Christian and I have no issue combining the holidays. We all respect each others beliefs, and honestly I don't celebrate Yule much differently than my family celebrates Christmas.) Anyway, I mentioned to him that I already had a gift picked out for him. (It's an entertainment center, because right now his TV and game systems are on top of a coffee table, which we would both like to use for its intended purpose in the living room haha). But when I told him I had already picked out what I was going to get him, he said that he did not want me to buy him anything because he never exchanges presents on Christmas. Doesn't give them, doesn't like getting them.

 

I don't know how to feel about this. We had this conversation yesterday and I'm still just kind of mulling it over. I mean, logically, I should just accept this and say "Ok, if that's how you feel, we won't do anything for the holidays." But that's just a huge downer! I absolutely love the Yule season, I love baking, and giving presents to people, the music, the decorations, and all of that. And he doesn't want anything to do with it.

 

Am I being childish? Does anyone have any suggestions for a possible middle ground? I'm just sort of stumped here. When we got together, I understood that he wouldn't be into my religious elements. And that's perfectly fine, I won't ask him to change or anything like that. And I don't even care if he doesn't get me anything for the holidays, but am I being a hypocrite by insisting on getting him something anyway?

 

I just don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before. And please, I know that a lot of people think that an atheist and a religious person have no business being together, but that's not really an issue between us. We can make that work. I just feel like I'm coming off as really childish and immature, but I'm trying not to. Thanks for the help.

 

Just give it to him after the holidays. You can just enjoy it with people who also like the season. Wouldn't it be more fun with your family anyway?

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The reason he doesn't want to exchange gifts is because he thinks it's a waste of money. When he was younger he and his friends agreed that it was dumb to spend 50 dollars on something that the receiver might not even like. So why wouldn't you just buy yourself something and insist the other person do the same.

 

Literally laughing out loud at this. So stupid. What about birthdays or anything else you might exchange gifts for? For Christmas and birthdays, this is what I do with my family and close friends: I ask them WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, that is reasonably affordable, and I buy it for them, wrap it and send it. That way they get something they wanted (so not a waste of money) but you still get the pleasure of giving and receiving gifts. If you wanted an element of surprise still, tell the person to give you a list of like 4-5 things they want and you randomly pick one. I've been doing this for years with my family and it's worked quite well. Your boyfriend sounds like a Scrooge.

 

BAH HUMBUG

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Literally laughing out loud at this. So stupid. What about birthdays or anything else you might exchange gifts for? For Christmas and birthdays, this is what I do with my family: I ask them WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, that is reasonably affordable, and I buy it for them, wrap it and send it. That way they get something they wanted but you still get the pleasure of giving and receiving gifts. If you wanted an element of surprise still, tell the person to give you a list of like 4-5 things they want and you randomly pick one. I've been doing this for years with my family and it's worked quite well. Your boyfriend sounds like a Scrooge.

 

BAH HUMBUG

 

Exactly. My thoughts too. He does sound like a Scrooge and why bother with any holiday then . That sounds like the kind of person he is . I would think about that .

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Although I am non-religious, secular, I do love the mid-Winter Festival. Originally a pagan festival to provide some cheer and fun in the depths of a long dark Winter. Hence the pagan custom of bringing greenery (holly and ivy) into the house.

 

Sadly the festival has become totally commercialized, with excessive and ridiculous spending, and the type of stampedes Wiseman just described.

 

In the 1600s in New England, the Puritans banned Christmas (lol) as they felt too much revelry was going on.

 

And Moonrise, it is no one's business who you are with, whether atheist, agnostic, holy roller or Martian.

 

Re the gift, maybe just give him the gift for his birthday.

 

 

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Agree with everyone else, this is not an atheist thing. I had an ex who was the most over-the-top lover of all things holiday you could ever find. He went all out for every single holiday, and when I asked him about why he did the religious ones (Christmas, Easter) he just laughed and said, "Right, like those aren't holidays whose origins started in non-Christian rituals and celebrations. Besides I loves me a chance to party and get and give goodies."

 

And this guy was one of those atheists who was just as heck-bent and intense in his non-belief as some people are with their religion. I mean, he would try to convert people on the street corner and was just generally pretty obnoxious about it all. I finally left, because I could not handle the "My way is The ONLY way" coming from him about his atheism.

 

And yet that man loved his holidays.

 

So fine, don't get this guy anything, don't expect anything. But tell him now if you two plan to have kids there sure as hella will be gifts and you don't want to hear a single word breathed from his mouth about that being wrong or bad or you.are.done. Because it's one thing for adults to choose that, but it should NOT be forced on kids. I'm dead serious in my take on that. You need to look at whether or not this is an issue that would or is going to spill into family matters.

 

Personally I think this is the first dissonance you're encountering in the relationship and you need to look at whether he's generous in other ways or if this is an indication of a selfish nature. Also, there is nothing preventing you from saying, "Fine, but this is important to me, so let's compromise. Instead of gifts we do something together for the holidays and we split the cost 0n a couples gift" and it's something like a dinner at a restaurant you'd never try, a mini-vacation, etc.

 

Don't lose sight of the fact you are half of this couple too and he does have to meet you halfway. If it's all "My way or the highway" you have problems with the entire relationship and that attitude will spill into other areas of life. So address this now and work it out and find out just what this really is about - and whether or not he's willing to participate in other activities or does he use this time to be miserable and make it miserable for everyone around him by being nasty about it.

 

Not gift giving I have no issue with, not gift giving and smugly denouncing anyone who does, refusing to go to Christmas dinner with the family, and being a total killjoy? Yeah, big problem there.

 

And that just would say something about his overall character and personality, not his belief system.

 

P.S. Has this man never heard of wish lists? I mean that's what everyone does right? That's what Amazon and other retailers are for or you get a list of what they might want. It's not rocket science. I am a horrible gift giver and if people tell me, "Surprise me," they are just going to get money at that point, because I am not going to go through the whole "I hated your gift/hate your gift routine." That's how you fix that.

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We all have encountered events we might not have wished to attent, but nonetheless we "turned up and shut up".

 

Yep. And I'm a Buddhist now, but still there is something about the holiday that I see past all of the commercialism. It's the one time of the year when people who might otherwise cut you off and curse you out will instead smile and wave you on or even stop to help you or family who won't talk to you will reach, etc. And I love that about Christmas, it's a time when we can set aside differences and at least for a little while humanity seems to have a softer, gentler edge. I love that plus snow! And Christmas specials. And kindness.

 

To me that's the real gift of that holiday, and OP that's what you have to keep in mind. It's not about goodies under the tree, it's about the goodness in everyone's hearts and does your boyfriend possess that or does he belittle it? That's the real importance of Christmas to me.

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Maybe he's a bad gift giver. I like the holidays but I've never liked gift giving/receiving as an adult. It was awesome as a kid but it's awkward as hell now. So yeah, I can understand not wanting to give/receive presents.

 

Not wanting to do ANYTHING remotely holiday-y with you, just with you, makes me wonder if the holidays make him sad for some reason. Maybe they do. They make a lot of people sad who have had loss or bad experiences.

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Fair enough, Moon.

 

I got it in one from your first post.

 

"because he never exchanges presents on Christmas. "

 

Doesn't mean someone does not like or wish to give presents on other occasions.

 

Honestly, the commercialism and "stampedes" of Christmas would put anyone off.

 

People have lost the run of themselves, as we say here.

 

Many people I know are Catholics, and I hear them complain about Christmas and all they have to do over the festive season. I get great mileage out of asking them: "I thought Christmas for you people is a celebration of the birth of a man called Jesus, so...."

They look at me as if I have just pronounced a heresy......

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