Family Disowned me 12 years ago...

I am really upset and I need feedback right now.

My boyfriend and I met 12 years ago. I was 20 and he was 56. When I told my parents about our relationship my dad flipped out on me and told me it was either my bf or him. At the ripe old age of 20 I picked my bf because I wanted to be happy and I didn't want my dad to tell me who was going to make me happy. 12 years later I am 32 my bf is 68 and we are still happily together. I have not spoken to my dad or any of his family since. I tried to keep in contact with his family, but they refused to talk to me. I though "oh well, their loss, not mine." I recently got a text from my dad saying he wants to see me. The thing is, he's now dating a woman 20 years younger than him and he wants to make amends. I am so upset right now. I feel like he only wants to see me because of his own relationship. He said some really hurtful things 12 years ago that I am not over. I don't know if I can be in the same room as him without yelling at him. I also feel like everything is on his terms. He decided when to disown me and now he is deciding when to come back in. My bf says it's my decision and whatever I decide he will support me 100%. I know no one can make this decision for me, but I need some input.

Do you want a relationship with your dad or do you want the status quo ?

I'm not sure anymore. Part of me wants a relationship with my dad but part of me is fine the way things have been the past 12 years.

No one is perfect. Maybe your Dad has "seen the light" for your relationship in his relationship. Yes, you're upset, but hey... As Victoria stated... Do you want a relationship with your Dad?

You may never get an apology - some people just don't know how to admit mistakes - sad, but true. Sometimes you just have to throw up your hands and say: "_uck it."

Did you ask why?

I recently got a text from my dad saying he wants to see me.

Sometimes too when people experience more to life they have really big ha ha moments you know that lightbulb goes off in the head . But you might regret not getting to know your father again . My dad and I have been pretty estranged for about 25 years and now he doesn't have a long time left but he prefers not to be in touch with me . The sad thing is I would like to have some kind of relationship with him but he's impossible . I really hate to see people miss an opportunity to know their parents before it's too late .

I suggest you see your father, he's not getting any younger. You may well kick yourself if he dies and you never attempted to make amends.

You can read negative things into it, or you can go with the more likely factor that he simply got older, got more life experience under his belt and realized the error of his ways. Doesn't mean that you'll get an actual apology, but what you have is an olive branch. If I were you I'd take it even if you do end up yelling at him. Perhaps you need to so you two can release the hurts and mistakes of the past. You really have nothing to lose here but a lot of potential regrets if you don't. By hanging on to the pain, you are really only hurting yourself. Ironically, you and your father are alike, stubborn.

Hi Calina! I am in an age-gap relationship too (im 20 hes 55) and I have had nightmares about situations like this.

I think that you have every right to be really freaking angry. I think you have a right to yell and scream at your dad. What he did was awful. Don't forget that you should be angry and hurt and confused. He owes you a big fat apology. It would take immense strength to forgive him.

It kind of depends on what type of relationship you and your dad had before your bf, but I think that you should meet up with your dad and at least see what he has to say. I think you should bring your boyfriend for support, and tell him to get you outta there if you need him to. Hopefully, your dad will apologize. After he apologizes you can just leave, and think about it more, and then maybe meet up in the future again.

If he doesn't apologize then he's still a big jerk. Leave and let him realize that he owes you!

I hope this helps!

"When I told my parents about our relationship my dad flipped out on me and told me it was either my bf or him. "

Strange reaction... but anyway.

"I tried to keep in contact with his family, but they refused to talk to me"

Op you didn't disown your family (what had your mother to say at the time?), your family disowned you.

Never can understand parents who disown a child because they don't like the choice of spouse the child makes. It isn't as if you committed a murder....

IMO I would ask what he wishes to see you about. Be extremely calm and serene. Your father, aside from his initial OTT reaction twelve years ago, did not see fit to reach out over those years. You did try.

Every day I am reminded of that saying: "you can choose your friends but not your family".

We don't always get the answers we want and even then it's not necessarily what we want to hear. My motto is "life is too short". I'm very lucky - my parents are amazing yet the thought of falling out and never speaking again? I can't even bear to imagine it.

I would say speak to your dad and find out what he wants. He may apologise - he may not. But surely it's worth seeing get what he wants to see you about? Good luck X

I think you need to stop and ask yourself what you, not your dad, not anyone else, but what you would be okay with. And if you want to meet him and yell at him, well I actually think that's healthy. Or maybe just on the phone IF that's what you want. I certainly think you should completely voice to him all of the things you've said in this post. And to let him know he needs to work hard to earn back a spot as a family member and then you decide what those amends should be or what you would need to see him do and behave in order to un-disown him yourself.

And I would fully tell him that. And if he doesn't want to do the hard work then at least you tried, and if he does it may pave the way to healing. I would definitely put the onus on your father to make it all right and not just expect to be welcomed back with open arms on his terms only with no effort.

And I say that, because I've had a fairly recent event that is in some ways similar. My youngest son's grandparents originally wanted nothing to do with him or me when I got pregnant with their son's child - who was killed a week before I even knew I was pregnant. They not only disowned their grandson, they told me they would take me to court if I even so much as dared put my son's father's name on the birth certificate and in general they were not nice about it.

Last year they showed up out of the blue wanting contact with my grandson. My initial impulse was a fiery tirade at them - my son was at school luckily or I'd probably have been more civil. But yes, I was angry and it poured out of me while this couple stood in my doorway silently letting me vent. When my son came home they got another earful since he knew the whole story about his birth, the family that had disowned him and so forth. I was never bitter about it, only matter of fact with details, but even to a teenager he knew it was a pretty crappy thing. There's a whole lot more to the story than what I'm saying here, but I'm leaving most of that out.

Anyways once the feelings were vented on both sides we all calmed down and decided to at least try. And in the end my son and I kind of decided to try, simply because neither of us want to look back some day and regret that we didn't at least explore this as an option. And surprisingly it's turning out to be okay, although there was a whole lot of anger and hurt on all sides to get through and the fact still remains some day I or my son may choose to end contact again since these are near total strangers and not exactly the sort of people we generally like.

So while I can't say what is best for you, you are probably wisest to look at the whole picture and decide whether or not this is something you would either regret or not regret trying either now or sometime in the future. And at the same time yes, I think you should tell your dad rationally and calmly exactly what you said here and if he turns out to continue to be irrational, if there still isn't acceptance of your boyfriend or there are other issues you can always go back to NC.

It's so weird that we are bound to people by nothing more than birth, but there it is and that's how the world is tied together. We don't choose the family we're born into, but if it was ever good with you all and he was not abusive or toxic beyond this one thing I think if he's made to do some work to prove himself and make amends then it might be a good thing. But in the end it is up to you. Like I say on my part I chose to at least try when I didn't have to do so, but they are still having to prove to me that they are people fit to be in my and my son's life. And that's just the fact that no, I don't think anyone should just get a pass to come and go in one's life only as they see fit and on their decision alone.

And this is where you have to find that middle ground and make sure both you and he are willing to meet there if you decide to accept him back into your life.

Thanks for the replies. I think I do need to meet with him. He told me he wanted to meet because he misses me and wants to see if we can rebuild a relationship. I am very skeptical of him though. Why wait now? Why not have done this 10 years ago? I guess that's something I need to ask him.

The relationship with my mom is really tricky. She's an alcoholic and it's hard having a relationship with her. When she's sober she's awesome. When she's not sober (like right now) I may not hear from her for months. I haven't spoken to her family in a while. I was never really close with them since they live in a different state.

I get you . My dad is severely mentally ill. I have been told I'm not his child anymore ,he doesn't need me he doesn't need a female child he only needs my brother .... Etc. He did his best to destroy our family extended members of family. He is just an all-around hateful person . So much of the time I avoid contact with him and most of the time he is so severely mentally ill he avoids contact with every human being .

However I would say if your dad wants to reach out to you at least hear what he has to say . Now as the parent of an almost 20-year-old I have to say parents do grow overtime . And I'm sure when he's 32 I will have grown much more . We grow just like everyone else .

Just ease in slow and only at your pace, perhaps sharing events and things in the lapsed time,etc. rather than any emotional conversation.

Also you can easily define what boundaries you want in your mind. Clearly something precipitated this but perhaps you will learn in time what that is.

He told me he wanted to meet because he misses me and wants to see if we can rebuild a relationship.Why not have done this 10 years ago?

My dad and I talked again today for a bit. It was pretty casual. I agreed to meet with him this weekend. I am so nervous, but I think it will be good.

I hope you get what you need out of it.

UPDATE:

I didn't post an update right away because I needed time to process and think. The meeting went well. The conversation was kept really light. There's so much I want to bring up and talk about. It did bring up feelings of anger and hurt. I really want to call him a hypocrite, but that's not very mature of me and I really want to take the high road. He did tell me he loved me. I hadn't heard that from him in 12 years. We are going to try to meet again in a few weeks. Maybe the more I see him the more normal it will get. Hopefully one day I can put the anger and hurt behind me and we can really build a relationship again.

That is really great, Calina!

I really hope this worked

Out for you